It was a trigger for me.... ooops...
 

I have to remember that I am new to this and have so much to learn, and to continue to grow strong. I also have to remind myself that people that come here that are new (like me) are all at different stages. I have to remember... and I have to be mindful... as I remember those denial stages... I was concerned... but not my guy... he is sweet and loveable, and has had so many hurts in life... and not my guy.... just relieving his stress... it is like a denial for us as well. Not is the person that has an addiction sick, but we are as well with the denial to fuel the sickness It is so sad. Think of it... it is so sad. When I was told I had cancer... I couldn't hide it.... I went in for treatment, immediately... I was going to get help immediately as it was my life, my kids life.... I was sick.

Just like cancer, things that are not treated... sickness not treated... it gets worse... it deteriorates us. It eats away slowly but aggressively.

I am typing this with tears... out of nowhere... I felt somewhat strong today... then something triggered me. And I sit here in awwww of .... and get this... this is what is what is making me cry.... (other than being the biggest crier of the entire planet)

Stereo types of addiction just make me cringe. If we, people that do not have an addiction to drugs/ alcohol... have this stereo type of what a typical addict is, and it is unfavorable... how do we put ourselves in their shoes. They know what the stereo type is and I am sure that is hard for them as they do not want to be seen as that person.... that stereotypical addict.

Addiction, there are many behaviors that mirror each other in many cases.... however, it is not a cookie cutter like track housing. Each person has a story. Each person has genetics. Each person is just as lovable as we are... (and this is why we are here... we love them... the behaviors are what hurt us).

I know my best friend... my very best friend, my axbf is an addict. He is a hard working man. He is a father that loves his son very much. He is wrapped up in a sickness in which I pray he decides to get real help and counseling for. He is so smart, and so handsome, and so kind, and a good neighbor... he laughs and his face lights up... he has charm and wit. His sickness has taken over many of the things I love so dearly about him... but he is a wonderful man.

I think that we as a nation, as a world, turn a blind eye to this disease. I for one, will not judge a man or woman in this stereo type, ever. I will see similar behaviors... that is a given. But when we do this, we make it harder for them to also seek help. It is just like the poor stigma on mental health... people don't want that label due to the stereo types. It is so sad to me.

Am I going to run to him and let my boundary down... no, as I have to stay strong and take care of me. But I am going to send him a really special vibe and prayer right now... for him to ignore the stereotypes and grasp for help. To save himself so much heart ache.

Thanks Wendy. I get so hurt and angry, and forget all this. Thank you.

So do I... so do I.... anger, hurt, and betrayal... but, I also know the man's soul, and he is a good person. When I think of him fighting this fight, or more like not fighting this fight, such as ignoring it.... I also remember his guilt he would feel and the confusion of his conversations, and some of the immature things he said or acted out.... and I try to visualize in my head of a scared little boy who doesn't know what to do but is trying to be independent and won't ask for advise (from professionals). My heart hurts knowing the fight he fights with himself each and every day, in his own head, in his own heart, in his soul. That is painful to know.

I have been angry at my RAH for a long, long time. Just recently I've begun to see that he is a damaged human w/a lonely, empty, longing spot that is his gift from his dysfunctional A family of origin. And the amazing thing to me is that I am now able to see this and feel compassion for him w/o feeling it's up to me to come riding in like the cavalry and fix everything.

I have my own lonely, empty, longing spot from my own dysfunctional family. And it's up to me to heal mine, just as it's up to him to heal his.

I recently re-read a poem called "The Invitation" by Oriah Mountain Dreamer. This part particularly spoke to me:

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shriveled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

This is what I'm trying to learn.

(link to the poem if anyone wants to read it in its entirety http://glauxnest.blogspot.com/2012/0...nvitation.html)

Beautiful post, Wendy. Thank you.

What a great post Wendy! Thanks for sharing that.

Thank you for sharing this, Wendy. It left me in tears. You put into words, so beautifully, the thoughts and feelings that have been floating around in my head and heart for so long.

Powerful, thank you - very moving