The point of no return
 

I think this might be our last argument, and it got very ugly. Oh, the insults that came out of his mouth. He told me that our marriage is not even valid in this country. He called me a stupid ******* bitch. And yes, I did slap him after that. I failed miserably. And I do not even care if the cops take me away. I hate myself for lowering myself and giving him that pleasure. I just hate the things that come out of me.

I told him that we will be getting a divorce tomorrow. I found a law firm that provides consulting, $35 for half an hour.

I pray the Lord to give me courage to dial the number. I just cannot take it anymore.

It is midnight now. He is sleeping, like a baby. I am up. Have you ever reached point when you think that if they arrest you, the nightmare will be over?

I spent long nights thinking of ways to kill him and not get caught. Do you have a place to go?

Not really. Maybe a motel to remove myself for a few days, but nothing long-term.

It is quiet now. As I said, he is snoring. I wish my skin were as thick as his.

Try to remove yourself from situation tonight. Can you go somewhere else?

Understood. Mine would wake the next day (sometime in the afternoon) and have no memory of any of it. I would always be expected to sympathize with all his phantom health problems (hangover) and if I dared utter a word about his behavior I was exaggerating or making things up.
Do you have a long term plan in the works?

I'll probably be up all night, and he goes to work early. So we will not see each other till 3 or 4 pm. And I will be avoiding him. Things usually go "back to normal" by that time. Although, I do not want another honeymoon phase.

My family is 1000 miles away and I have no friends. We live in his hometown, and his family was never eager to meet us (I think I know why), so I am not close to them either. I could handle things financially as I am self-employed (again I have no colleagues). But he always wants to save his reputation, so he does not want things to go public.

Well, this past evening was a huge shocker to me. I was going one step at the time, not expecting much avoiding trouble, and it really was not that bad. We have not argued for months.

And of course we are legally married in this country (5 years of tax returns filling jointly... hellloooo). But how he aims for your heart, my jaw dropped after hearing this.

I secured myself financially and would be able to remove myself fast if really really required (as in get my own place).

I was in a similar situation, though I did not have the advantage of financial independence.
Sounds like the ball is really in your court here. He has no real desire or motivation to change anything. The more you put up with and stuff down and hide from the world, the more crap he will throw at you.
What do you feel is keeping you stuck?

I really really thought I loved him and that there was hope for us. And I've been trying to untangle the financial and other strings that marriage usually brings, but there was no hurry. And I do feel sorry for him, because he will get screwed more than me if we divorce.

Do what is right for you when it is right for you do it. Don't let guilt or fear or misguided obligation keep you stuck, but don't let anger and frustration rush you. Take care and keep posting.
Maybe tomorrow you can take one small step toward where you see your ideal future leading, wherever that may be.

Thank you! And I should come here more often, but I was on a honeymoon I guess, so I was not posting. It is scary how things go from one extreme to another, in a minute. For now, I'll just stay away from him. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Healthyagain I totally get where you are coming from with the extremes. It is extremely frustrating and confusing to say the least. All I can offer is what I am trying to do which is have a back up plan in the works if things go south and keep on working towards making yourself happy and your goals.

I actually never wanted a divorce. And I am still so against it. But this is unbearable.

And you know what actually made him so mad? I only suggested that we go out and have a sandwich (because he was hungry, and the taco meat from the night before was not good). And I say suggested as in walking-on-the-egg-shells suggested.

We talked this morning and I mentioned the slap and said that he can call the cops. And he laughed! He said that was nothing! Seriously?

It is progressing. Nothing changes if nothing changes. You are in a situation that you are being emoationally abused. Understand, it is abuse. How much can you tolerate. Do you really consider this a marriage? Go for the consult, you will be glad you did later on.

My .02

I get why you slapped him, I understand that rage. In the heat of the moment I also understand not caring about going to jail. I PROMISE you, you do not want to be charged with Domestic Violence. That charge could f**k your life up so bad you will wonder why you didn't care. Nevermind the thousands for your attorney, the possible protective order that will leave you out on the street, the hours of classes you will have to attend and the sentence you will be given - the label and arrest stay forever.

You got lucky last night that your husband didn't back hand you into the next state and that you have all your teeth this morning.

Its just not worth it. If this is where you are at mentally please get out of this situation. you don't deserve the verbal abuse and I get the slap, I really do. You poke the bear long enough eventually the bear is going to roar.

Prayers for you, I hope you find the strength you need to find your happiness!

I am really really not proud of the slap and I've been crying whole morning and slept for 3 hours, and I know I fell for it. The feeling is horrible. I just did not recognize baiting because the words were unbelievable. I have no excuses, I should have walked away, or just removed myself, just something, anything but not be around him.

Maybe I am lucky, maybe I am not. It is like when you invest your whole life into something to work, and when that fails, you just do not care what happens to you. Unfortunately, noone else heard when he told me to go and f*** the neighbor next door, that I am a stupid f*** bitch, that we are not even married (and this one killed me, because if you only knew what we had to go through) . . . noone hears door slamming, banging, cuss words . . . And all that because of a sandwich?????

He paints this perfect picture of us as a couple. He would not want the world to know that we ever argue. In conversations, it is always "my wife is so great", "my wife knows this and she does that," " oh we so perfect, we're best buddies." This is why I said that coming out in public, even if that meant me being screwed for life, would not be such a bad idea.

I have a plan for this evening. I will not be around my so-called husband.

On paper or not, being treated that way is not a marriage. I don't talk that way to my worst enemies.

Being caught up in a toxic relationship is a very strange thing. Its like you are in a world all your own, secretive, and hopelessly tangled.

I wonder if like me , you grew up in a family that was totally dysfunctional, and compared to that, your life now is not so different, or maybe not as bad?

sometimes you have to learn what healthy love really is - what boundaries are, and why we need them. Maybe like me, you have to learn what a human being actually needs, to be truly happy and functioning properly? We put our needs so far down inside of ourselves, we don't even acknowledge that they are really there, but they are.

There is much more to life than to live in a tangled mess, just because you don't know anything else. Things can be better for you-being alone is better than being with the wrong person.