Thanks 53500...Ive been trying that....it does help I know.

Very sorry for what your family is going through Jarp. Prayers going up tonight for your husband, you and your kids.

The anxiety and fear is something I know well. I would call up hospitals, jails, hotels--anywhere in an attempt to track my A down. I couldn't sleep, eat, breathe. And I felt like I couldn't turn to my friends because things had gotten so bad that they were tired of picking up my pieces.

The very best thing you can do is be with your daughter and spend quality time. I don't know how old she is, but I'm sure she has noticed your A is missing. As grim as it is, this provides you with an opportunity to maybe allow her to express what she is feeling over the absence. Sharing that your concerned about your loved one (vaguely, not unloading completely) opens up a pathway for communication. Or, just hang out, laugh, and distract. Both are better than isolating yourself.

How are you holding up Jarp? Hope you're okay.

Thanks you for asking hopefulinFLA - that is really kind.

I veer between thinking "I really can't cope with this", to feeling tired and numb. All along just getting on with things and putting one foot in front of the other. It occurred to me this afternoon that I think that this must be very much what withdrawal feels like. Maybe I am having withdrawal symptoms from my addiction to him.

I eventually heard from AH who sent a text saying "alive".

Today he rang sobbing, begging to come home again, and I asked him what his plans were and what he was thinking....and he asked 'about what'? When I said "about getting treatment"... He asked......'for what'?

A bit of quacking then occurred and he ended up sobbing and hanging up on me again.

So I am repeating to myself over and over 'actions not words, actions not words', but I'm finding it devastating to hear this man I loved/ love sobbing is heart out. I've learned through this las few weeks how he does this to manipulate, maybe not in a conscious or planned way, but manipulative nevertheless. So I suppose the fog of my own denial is lifting.

So sometimes ok, sometimes not. It's my daughters bday party tonight and I had been looking forward to that, so I am just trying to let go of the sadness and really enjoy her night with her.

Thanks so much x

I'm glad to hear he's okay.

It's really good to that you are aware of his manipulation, and it takes a lot of strength to resist that kind of thing. Good for you!

It's so emotionally taxing and exhausting to deal with an active A. Please take good care of yourself.

Hope your DD's birthday party is a smash!

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. The mind of an A is simplistic - find a way to drink and remain status quo and that is what I see is going on. Its not just A's that do this but manipulative people who when faced with consequences "dial a reaction" until they hit the right hot "button". Screaming work? How about apologizing? How about begging? How about guilting? Hmmmm that's not working. Ok, I think I will threaten suicide, then disappear. Let's see if that works………

Get the picture?

Because the answer as been laid out for him. I think you have been very clear - seek treatment and we may be able to move forward.

No one can tell you whether or not he will eventually do something to harm himself. He may, because he might get so desperate that he is willing to go that route perhaps without actual intention to accomplish it and does anyway.

He knew you would be up all night worrying. Every text he sent was with complete manipulation to scare the sh!t out of you and he did. I wonder where he really was…..I don't feel that he was sleeping under a bridge somewhere or in a ditch.

I hope he is on a path to his bottom but who knows. Kudos for staying strong - I know its awfully hard. My thoughts are with you and I hope you have a really good time tonight with your daughter.

That is so dramatic and manipulative. He's a diva. I had one of those.


An exercise I found useful is to imagine the shoe on the other foot. What would it take for me to disappear in dramatic fashion, make cryptic I'll-end-it-all statements to my worried family, and then after several days had passed during which they (hopefully) were thinking of nothing but me-me-me, get back in touch with a one-word text: "alive."

The chutzpah is breathtaking.