Hahahahahahahahahah!

Yeah, he's outdone himself this time. But the lobster trap story is epic, JOIE!

OK I admit...some of these have me laughing so hard it makes me almost cry.

I thought the lobster trap was the best.....then.....I'm blind!!!!!

OMG you can't make this stuff up in the best movie!!!!!!!!!!!

Heck mine was the lame old....I have a friend at work dying of cancer. And a workmate was upset so I had to stay and comfort them....til 2AM. Or it was a funeral for a baby that died....and well I was so upset that when he came to comfort me I couldn't help myself.......None of these very funny at all.

OMG Lobster Trap....ROFL!!!!!

But they think we actually believe this crap?!!?

He probably woke up with his head so far into the toilet bowl that when he opened his eyes all he saw was white and thought he'd gone blind!

And yes, he believes that I SHOULD believe him. He gets so upset when I start laughing (or quacking) that he'll only text his quackery now. Which allows me to not respond AND get a good laugh.

OMG!!! Fresh water Lake Lobster.... and in a trap to boot!!! That sounds like a Steven King movie where he is trying to write a comedic script!!

Lobsters and Blindness....gets better all the time!!!!

Sounds like there's a country song in there somewhere....

Or an 'Attack of the Killer Tomatoes"-esq B-movie in the making!

So, according to my parents, as told to me over 24 hours after my alcoholic mother was admitted to the hospital: At a very exclusive hotel/resort, my alcoholic mother and my heaving drinking codependent father, after only two drinks, tripped down some slippery stairs and my father was completely unscathed but my mother broke her heel (a bone that is typically only broken after falling off of scaffolding or major car accidents). Now, these two are the queen and king of getting freebies for the smallest of "slights" and have already threatened to sue the hospital for not quick enough service, but the events of the evening in question are very hush/hush. There doesn't seem to be a loss prevention team involved even though this is a world class resort and my mother can't remember if they were going to drive home or walk home or where my father parked his car. In fact, she can't remember if she threw up or not after breaking a major bone in her body. Crazy how these things happen! After two drinks . . . .

Has anyone else's A "practicing lying down"? Cos mine does (I asked him what he was doing while he was drunk in bed).

I cannot stop giggling now.

He drinks so I can sleep.
“Last weekend I didn’t drink and so I was up until 1am watching tv. That kept you awake. So I’m drinking tonight so I fall asleep earlier so you can sleep.”

So thoughtful!

Over the last few days my mom's new story is that she fell because of her bunions. Her physical therapist told her that older people fall a lot because of bunions, so that is why she has been falling so much. Bumpy Quack!! So interesting how traumatic past events morph into different stories on a daily basis.

Bumping for daydreamer.

my AX " you don't have a life, stop focusing on me and get a life"

I have a house, a job, a drivers license, a car,and I am raising 2 kids on my own.

he has no job, no place to live, does not pay child support. he is 45 yrs old. has no license, has no car. and wears an anklet to monitor if he drinks

who needs to get a life?

"I cut my finger taking out the trash (lots of beer cans) and I didn't know it was so bad." She woke up to a pillow case covered in blood. 'Who knew that could happen"

i love these. thank you all for sharing. i have some to share, i have forgotten MOST of them over the years.

1. After we had a talk about how i need him to start pulling his weight and help with everything. and he agreed, apologized and promised to help out more

Me: "i think the oil in the truck needs to be changed, would you please change it today"
Him: "no, i wont do it"
Me: "what do you mean no?" (thinking he already had something planned even thou he was unemployed at the time, and was already thinking of another "good" time for him)
Him: "why should i change your oil. i dont drive that truck."
Me: "seriously? WoW" (he did not drive that truck, but his wife did and most of the time i had his children with me)

2. before filing for divorce. he was already living with his hood rat but i did not know about her yet. so i called him so we could talk.

me: how are you doing
him: fine, just a little tired
me: why are you so tired, did you stay up drinking?
him: no i didnt, my cousins kids never go to bed. they stay up all night, yelling and scream. i cant get any sleep.

a few minutes later
me: well hopefully you can sleep and the kids wont bother you
him: what kids? i was working on my truck all night, i told you already, you never listen.

3. after the divorce was filed and i was telling him not to claim the kids on income tax. he tells me that he already filed and claimed the kids and that he was just waiting for the check to come in. he usually claimed the 2 youngest kids on his tax returns but he was hardly home in 2013 and was not giving me any money for bills, food, or kids needs. come to find out a month later he got an estimate.

him: i am about to lose my truck. the repo man has already went to my work.
me: well cant you pay it off when your income tax comes in
him: i havent even filed yet. i told you i needed my w2 forms. and since they are going to your address and you wont give them to me.
me: why wont i give them to you? what makes you think that i wouldnt give them to you? what have i ever done or said to give you that impression?
him: crickets (i am sure this came from his hood rat)

4. after his w2 came in, i made sure that i filed my income tax and claimed the 2 boys before he could, right after the last conversation. i gave him his w2 with a note that i already file and claimed the boys.

him: Thank you.
me: thank you for what
him: for f8cking me over.
me: ok. how did i f*ck you over.
him: you claimed the boys. now i am not going to get anything back. (he gets 3000 back without boys, 6000 with boys) you really messed me over
me: i dont see how i messed you over. you didnt pay a dime to help support the boys last year. i dont see why you should claim them. i paid for everything.
him: i was going to give you half!! i told you that. you know i was going to give you half. (umm no you didnt and he NEVER gave me half of his income tax return in like 4 years, i never knew what he spent 6000 dollars on either. and i HATE that 'was going to") i am sure his hood rat was pissed.

same conversation
me: i paid for all the bills, school clothes and everything. you were not giving me money. you know my paycheck does not cover the monthly bills.
him: maybe you should work harder or get a second job
me: you made more then i did and i should get a second job?
him: i dont believe you
me: you dont believe me? what?
him: i dont believe you that i made more then you. (he was working 50-55 hours a week. he was telling me all of 2013 that he only made 200 a week. come to find out he was getting 500-600 a WEEK)
me: why would i lie about how much i made last year. i could show the w2 if you want. but you made 30K and i made 22k. plus i am getting garnished for not paying my school loan because i was busy paying everything else.
him: laughing, well maybe you need to get another job. you are so perfect arent you. you got your college degree and i made more money then you. you really are dumb huh? so much for you college degree
me: what the ****
(again, i am sure most of that came from his hood rat. i never threw my college degree in his face. the years that i made more then him, i never threw it in his face. i was always trying to get him to educate himself on things so he could get a better paying job.. but now it is MY fault that he made more then me?

oh and another one

i was trying to get him to go to school since he was complaining about working groundkeeper.

me: you could go to a trade school
him: for what
me: for anything you are interested in
him: like what
me: i dont know, like a mechanic school. or paint shop. they train you and then you can work where you want for better pay
him: i dont want to be a mechanic!! you only want me to be a mechanic. i have NO INTEREST in working on car engines for the rest of my life and being a grease monkey.
me: ok, it was only a suggestion (must have tapped into some FOO issues about being a mechanic. but i was only trying to help)

5 years later he is working on everybody and their brothers car on his days off. except mine of course. now working at the dairy plant and hates it of course. i was begging him to NOT work on cars on the weekends so we can do something as a family. but he continues to do it because we need the money. no we didnt but i believe he liked to work on the cars and it was a extra bonus that those people thought he was super wonderful for fixing the car at half the price the mechanic charges.

him: i am thinking of going to a trade school
me: oh really? that is great!! what are you thinking
him: i think i will go to a mechanic school so i can work on cars and get paid more.
me: wow what a great idea (in my head, thinking wtf!! i practically BEGGED him to go and it was a bad idea and i was trying to hold him down?)

these are very therapeutic

Haha - I know, I think the laugh / cry bouncing when I read these is like going to a hot springs and jumping back and forth between the and cold pools. It is supposed to be good for you....and I feel better after it.

OMG MrsVain, the college degree!

That was actually my husband quacking!

My XAH would go for a dog walk... for 5 hours!!!!

Also, it always amazed me how many petrol stations in our area could be closed at one time!

It actually feels better to laugh about this than cry doesn't it!

Oh, and also 'the dog' was sick on the floor apparently! Hmmmm.

Bump for more!!!!

"I wouldn't be drunk right now if I'd had known you were going to come home early!"

Hehe, man, it just makes you want to pat them on the head, and give their hair a little ruffle.

My ex once blamed the dog for crapping in his pants. That he was wearing at the time. And of course all the vomit and urine always belonged to one of the animals.

POOR PETS! They probably just look at him and go "Dude... WE wouldn't even do THAT!" lol.

OMG. I come back to this thread just to crack some laughs. OK I admit I had some quacking stuff from my ex. But this stuff....makes me howl.

At some level, they have one thing in common. They actually talk themselves into thinking we will believe it.

You people could go on tour or do a Comedy Central show like TRU TV does.

Guys. Guys, guys.

My exAH disappeared for an entire week and a half, so I reported him as a Missing Person to local police.

When he finally resurfaced, I called the officer in charge of his case, who told me...
True story...

The only person who can cancel a Missing Persons bulletin besides the cops is the missing person themselves.

So exAH had to CALL THE POLICE DISPATCH LINE AND REPORT HIMSELF AS "FOUND".


BAAHHHAAAAAAAAAAAHA.

Oooo boy, I have a new one. We live in a side-by-side duplex in a not-so-great area. Many of the people in the neighborhood cause a lot of trouble, but the family who lives in the other half of our duplex are wonderful, lovely folks. I have become very good friends with the wife, friends with the husband, and their four boys (ages 19, 17, 11 and 7) are delights.

We do a lot of favors for each other, and give each other appreciative "thank you" cards and notes. There is an ongoing joke about how her husband works as many hours, if not more, than my husband, but her husband does all the grass cutting, all the snow shoveling, etc. Not surprisingly, AH comes home from work and sits on the couch, drinking.

They brought over a card and some homemade fudge for me tonight. AH answered the door because I was upstairs. He brought it up to me and grumbled "I don't know why I never get anything from them!"

Uh...because you put no effort into maintaining a friendship with them, you do nothing to help them, and they have seen you behave like a total a$$ on multiple occasions.

QUACK QUACK QUACK