OT - My parents have no boundaries
 

I am really upset with my dad right now. It's my parents' 36th anniversary next weekend and they are taking a week-long trip (from Southern CA to Northern CA), leaving today. They asked me a couple of weeks ago if my 6-year-old son could go and I said no. It's too far away, too many days, and I don't know why they would want to take him on their anniversary anyway. They are going to see some of my other relatives and they all like to drink, as well. Besides, with the recent changes in our family (AH and I separating), I want to be together as much as we can.

Well last night my dad called and asked again if my son could go. He said it would be the best present for my mom. He then offered me CASH to let him go. Wtf??? I said no. He has been texting/calling me ALL MORNING. He says he promised my mom he would make it happen. He says he will shorten the trip if he needs to. He is begging me. I am disgusted. I have said no several times now and he won't stop.

Is it just me or is this crazy?? My sister wouldn't let my niece go and they are ok with it. I should add, my parents lost their only son (my brother) when he was a baby. Sometimes I feel like my son is used as an emotional crutch for my mother, who has depression.

while i'm sorry you are in this uncomfortable position, i'm really encouraged by how clearly you SEE this boundary thing! and how firmly you are standing your ground! :c011:

Um, yeah... that's overboard into CrazyLand.

Great job holding your boundary - how horribly offensive of them to be so aggressive about it & to treat your son like a tangible item that can be traded materially for cash. That alone would disgust me, personally.

He just texted me this:

$500.00? :)

How gross.

:GrossL: :thumbsdow

EmmyG---Perhaps a compromise of some sort...? Like, maybe, coming back 2 or 3 days earlier and having a special time locally. Perhaps letting them know that a major trip like that will be o.k. when he is an older child.

grandparents are important for the child (unless they are dangerous).

Sometimes, compromise promotes more flexibility and cooperation in family relationships.

When I was six I spent the entire summer vacations with my grandmother on the farm--best times of my young life!! I went entire trip on the greyhound bus with my name, address, and telephone number and destination on a piece of paper in my pocket. My parents put me on the bus and my grandmother was waiting on the other end.

That might seem extreme in today's world--but, a 6yr. is capable of a lot.

dandylion

Yeah my friend, this is way off in crazy land. I wouldn't send my child with a grandparent who is bargaining with money like that. He's a child. He's not a piece of furniture.

And the fact that your father is trampling all over your boundaries makes every red flag in my mind go up like a rocket.

I'm very sorry that they cannot see why you are saying no but offering you money is downright strange. He is your SON not some commodity that can be bought and sold.

At this point maybe you should just start ignoring his text's and call's and let them go on their trip. Maybe things will improve after they return.

Nothing is more important than family but this behavior is out of line.....

He has a very codependent relationship with my mother, which may explain his desperation.

Wellll,.....my take on this is that he (they) are disappointed and hurt...and are expressing anger in a (admittedly) passive aggressive way. I am willing to bet that he does not even expect that you would take money....so, doesn't even plan to give it. I seriously doubt that consider their grandson as only an object. They probably just want to have fun with him...like most every grandparent does.

You could say no to this and sympathize with their disappointment...and offer a palatable alternative.

I learned that in union negotiations (my husband did that professionally, at one time..LOL) that if both sides experience some "give"....there is a better chance of reaching agreement and peace.

(Yes, I KNOW that this is not a union negotiation..but, some principles may apply)

dandylion

I am in total agreement that grandparents are important. However my parents have always pushed the boundaries with my son. Never with my younger son or with my niece. But with my 6-year-old, they always push and push. Even when he was a baby, they would push me to take him longer than I felt comfortable with. My sister will flat-out day no when she is not comfortable with something, but with me they use guilt and pressure. I feel sometimes like my mom thinks she is his mother. If this was healthy, I wouldn't feel sick from the manipulation I feel coming from my dad.

I have a kind of painful question Emmy--
You saying no absolutely doesn't have anything to do with your AH's violent disapproval of kids being with grandparents, does it?

If it does, you are trading one manipulator for another.
If it doesn't, I applaud your progress and standing your ground :)

I honestly can't comprehend the reasoning behind taking a 6-yr old to celebrate their anniversary anyway. And they see the boys all the time, so it's not like it's a matter of including him because they're combining a visit with their trip because they never get together.

I think the bigger insult is that this was all discussed & debated weeks (months?) ago & Emmy clearly stated her reasons to her mom for keeping the boys together & home. This sounds a lot more like Mom/Grandma wanting her way/to win/to control the situation & willfully trampling on Emmy's boundaries than anything else. If I remember correctly, this is an ongoing issue in THEIR relationship that even Emmy is only seeing clearly since separating from her AH & embracing her own recovery & learning about boundary setting.

Emmy's been able to see this bleeding over onto the grandkids & has been trying to create realistic boundaries for herself & them.... but the more she sticks to her boundaries, the more her mom pushes back against them.

(Apologies if I've gotten your story confused with another poster!)

My issue isn't that they asked if he could go. If it was a 2-3 day trip I'd say yes. It's an 8-day trip. I don't want him to go. They asked my sister if my niece could go (she is the same age as my son), and my sister said no. My problem is with my dad not taking no for an answer and texting/calling me dozens of times when I've already said no. I don't think that's normal behavior. My son spent last weekend with them.
AH has only had issues when my parents have overstepped boundaries or for example, said they would have him home one day and not sticking to it. Even if AH hated my parents, I would never let him keep my kids from them.

Exactly.

Another thing is my mother's sister is going, who is an alcoholic. My mother also drinks heavily when she is around her. My father takes prescription pills daily (has a problem). Just another reason I don't like the idea. My dad keeps saying "but this is the best anniversary gift I could give your mom" which is kind of disturbing to me.

I was very close to my grandparents and loved them dearly.

However: Just being a grandparent does not entitle you to anything. If grandparents are whacky and they request the presence of a grandchild to cater to the needs of a mentally ill grandparent, that's not a healthy burden to put on a child.

And your son is not a gift that belongs to your father. It's not something that is "his" to give.

I know I'm exaggerating here, but the words "child trafficking" come to mind...

Emmyg---not having all of the particulars....my posts were geared more to a healthier family environment. One always takes a risk when assuming.......

dandylion

Emmy, stick by your guns. Whatever your reasons, it is your right to decide what is right for your children. My parents have horrid boundaries, too, and won't take no for an answer. Just like with alcoholics, if you give in to their childlike, spoiled antics, they will know that your boundaries aren't solid and they will do this all over again.