What do you do when you're triggered?
 

My husband smells like BO. It's not the alcohol smell but it might as well be by the way I'm reacting to it. I keep telling myself to calm down but holy crap I'm trying so hard to not be rude and be all over his side of the street and not go into aggressive victim momma bear mode.

What do you do when you're triggered? This hasn't happened to me before and I'm feeling like I'm in no mans land here. When our kids are down for the night I'm going to very calmly ask him to shower and then gently suggest that he use an industrial strength deodorant for the rest of the summer.

Yeah, they can mess themselves up as far as their own physiology and able to digest / process food.

When AWtf came back from Rehab (eating disorder) they had her eating 5 meals a day . . . including a LOT of different beans . . . yunno where THIS is heading. :)

Fart City.

The kids would laugh about and some nights I would wake up with my eyes watering.

Kept those blankets down tight. :)

That is hilarious! I don't think I'm going to get Dutch Oven'd tonight but thanks for the tip and the laugh!

Buy him Mitchum deodorant. If that doesn't work, ask him to see his doctor.

Perhaps a calm conversation about it? "Honey, I don't think you are aware, but...."

I'm hoping he showers daily?

I remember my xabf wearing the same clothes and not showering for a week! Usually he would get cleaned up on Sunday to go to his weekly turkey shoot with his bar buddies. I guess he wanted to impress them? So glad I don't deal with that bs anymore. :)

This post is hysterical!! I wouldn't consider you being all on his side if the street though. Idk, I would expect for my loved one to tell me if I stink or let me know if I have a bat in the cave.
:lmao:lmao:lmao

after you talk to your husband, can you talk to my ABF? shewwwww

Man only showers when he goes to a poker game! He once bought a 3 pack of bars of soap....put the unopened box in his shower.
..."Hunny, I'm pretty sure that's not how that works...."

Too funny Blossom! Years ago, one of my pre-teen Little Sisters had a real reluctance to bathe and was teased at school because of her BO. Since she told me every time we visited how much she liked my perfume, I bought her a little bottle of it, along with the matching bar of soap. When I next saw her, she had sprayed the heck out of the perfume, but it was apparent she hadn't used the soap quite so liberally. So I asked her about it, and she told me she unwrapped the bar and put it in her underwear drawer so her panties would smell nice.

Are you sure it's BO? That was one of my major hints that my AH was drinking again. His body stopped metabolizing it and it smelled. A lot.

Also, greasy lank hair. Weirdly, that one became the dead giveaway.

Mine too. It was so bad that even his laundry was just rank from the stench & his BO was a problem whether he was drinking that day or not.

That's one thing I do NOT miss, so gross!

Stung - are you talking about being triggered by something because it is a trigger FOR YOU that isn't necessarily tripped as a result of his drinking even if it stems from that behavior originally?

Like - I used to freak out at the credit card bill every month because there would always be frivolous charges by then-AH because his impulse spending was out of control when he drank. So even after I had separated our finances, I still had a panic attack every month when the damn bill arrived. I started using a different card, switched to paperless, etc.... I changed the trigger.

When I am triggered by RAH I straight up tell him - hey, I'm triggering, I don't expect you to understand the reasons *why* but I'm being open & communicating it to you instead of acting like an jerk about it/getting a tone/etc.

With something like that, I would tell him like I would tell anyone else in my family.
I have a teen suffering from depression who in periods will not step into the shower unless told. I've been very blunt with her in the past; now all I have to say is "you need to take a shower" and she gets it.

I suck at dealing with being triggered. It's like I can't see it coming so I get blindsided every time. So the honest answer to your question is "Usually, I get an anxiety attack and cry hysterically" but I don't think that's particularly helpful? :lmao

There was a very acidic bitter metallic smell my ex had. I think it had to do w alcohol but i was never sure. It made me want to puke. Ex always showered but it was still there at times.

Codependent Biblical Job Trigger Reactions
1. Read SR/Write on SR F&F Section
2. Find Hammer's Posts: crack up or wonder what planet he is on when he's out there...
3. Read SR Alcoholic sections: Practice some Gratitude
4. Try to Talk to RAH openly and honestly
5. If that doesn't work, tease him mercilessly and send him weird text messages.
6. Try a sexual advance to practice rejection
7. Meditate
8. Text my sponsor or call her or go to a meeting or write down my feelings
9. Read
10. Try to fall asleep by meditating

I have to chase my 13 year old grandson around with a can of deodorant. They're awful at that age :) xc

Ha! Lil'Amy, that was pretty much how I felt at first, like I was going to melt down but I was gonna take him down with me.

His drinking smell is pungent and distinct. This wasn't the booze smell. Although he said he had a giant burrito at lunch with a bunch of jalapeños and I'm thinking that's where his stinky smell came from. This was like garlic, spicy, onion BO. A la big stinky man, not vodka soaked alcoholic.

It's a freak out trigger for me because I know that stinky man = recently drinking, mean, argumentative husband. I calmly told him that I know no one likes to be told that they smell bad but he was smelling ripe and I told him that it had my nerves on high alert and although he can't do anything about it and it's not a knock on him, I needed him to shower or sleep outside. :) He showered and the stinky was pretty much gone. With booze a shower doesn't even make a dent in the smell.

Ding, ding, ding! This was the winner for me!!

But I couldn't do this until my kids were down, house was straightened up, etc. Deepak has a sleep meditation album on iTunes and one of the tracks is a beach visualization and WOW!!! That puts me to sleep literally in seconds. I don't understand how it works but it never fails. Thank you sooooooooo very much for sharing that you use his meditations because that has been a sleep lifesaver for me!

I like Deepak's voice. I never hear much of what he says bc I crash out.

Ugh! My 13 year old DD is the same way! I told her - no deodorant means don't come in to breakfast!

Well, my AH doesn't understand that if you pee in your pants one day, they don't automatically smell better the next day, so you shouldn't just pick them off the floor and put them back on again.

I used to let it go, but I can't.. it's so gross. So I do tell him that maybe he should wash his shorts and put on a clean pair. He usually asks, "Why?" Or he'll get a bottle of febreze and spray the dirty ones. This is a man who used to yell if he white shirts weren't properly washed and starched. Very sad.

Hey Stung,

on review of this . . . you (or his sponsor would be better) probably need to get him to clean up.

Not saying this is your responsibility or your problem -- but even in the tech fields this is only tolerated so far.

I do recall back in the bubble, our offices smelling like a mix of curry, garlic, old beer cans from the white frat boys, dirty panties from some skanks . . . but really those days have faded and dysfunction has become to be recognized for what it is.

IF the folks he works with get down-wind of this, it may harm your family income and you and the girls. I suspect you have some enlightened self-interest in this one.

He's the boss, Hammer. No joke, he has a business partner that he's accountable to but he lives in Europe. I have zero doubts his employees noticed that my husband was recently on top of his game (because he's now bringing in more money as a result) and then went totally MIA and is stinky when he is around his offices.

I'm making decent money (projecting 6 figures at the end of the fiscal year) for myself. So I'm trying to not worry about that piece. I'm trying to not stress and just focus on me. Eye on the prize and all that jazz.

And SoloMio, ewwwwwwww! It's not so much a hygiene issue but more that he is just abusing the heck out of his own body and his body just really can't handle anything beyond healthy input at this point. Last night he was telling me that he thinks he has an ulcer, again (and asking me how to book an appt with his doctor.)

Just out of curiosity but could he have changed his DOC?

What do I do when I get triggered, I have a mantra that I start to say in my head. Mine is Buddhist but it could be anything. Really works as it brings the focus back on me and now. I've been using this for around 4 or 5 years now and sometimes I find that I'm saying the mantra before I realize that I'm being triggered.

Your friend,

He could have, but I don't think he's drinking, mainly because he's acting rational and nice. My husband can't even fake rationality when he's been drinking.

Do you mind sharing your mantra? This morning I kept telling myself "the harder I work, the luckier I get. The harder I work, the luckier I get." I think its a sports quote but it motivated me enough to do something.

I went for a 5 mile run alone this morning. Anxiety is gone. :) When in doubt I need to exercise. Runner's high is pretty tough to beat.

It's Namu Amida Buddha. It can translate as I take refuge in the Amida Buddha. Very much like let go and let God. It is my anchor to stop runaway thoughts and emotions.

It comes from Pure Land Buddhism.

Your friend,

I'm so frustrated right now.

I bickered with RAH. Asked him to leave because he was just being a jerk. He was refusing to leave and telling me that I would need to file for a legal separation to make him leave "his" home. Told him no, that I could call the police and make him leave if he was going to keep digging his heels in. He kept putting it on me, "why do you want me to leave? Why do I have to leave?" Because I asked you to, because I don't like your attitude and your tone and your words and you're making me uncomfortable. Why stay when I've asked you to leave?

Finally, he gets his stuff and is making a big show about taking his house key off of his key ring. Really?! Why does this have to be so dramatic. Just go dude. I tell him to stop being so dramatic and he asks if he may keep his keys. Good grief, it's like he can't stop once he's started and he's just waiting for me to tell him what to do and how he can make me happy but I don't want to play that game anymore. Either figure it out on your own or be on your way.

While I can feel all of this brewing I'm asking myself what my expectations are. I know he's in early recovery, he went on a walk with the dog in an attempt to soothe whatever is going on with him and that didn't work but then he's in my space acting so entitled and arrogant and then literally calling me arrogant and I just cannot stop myself from speaking up. And he has the nerve to tell me that he's sticking up for himself.

Then I asked him what his expectations are of me. After a smart ass comment he tells me that he just expects me to be nice because I'm his wife. Well, sure but what does he expect when he's not being nice to me? Blank stare and silence until he starts in with a "well you started it" retort. Like it even matters. I don't like him right now and he doesn't like me right now and obviously it makes sense that we have some space right now and he just wants to fight me on it. Then he was telling me to calm down (there was no yelling, just me insisting that he leave or stop being such a jerk) and our 2 year old started mimicking him. Ugh…. All I wanted was some space from him. I'm not telling him what he needs to do besides just be away from me. So tired of this drama. What the heck is so hard about my request that he just leave? I wasn't asking him to go away forever, I didn't even say that he couldn't stay here tonight, just that he needed to leave now and he won't even try to talk about what's going on because he's instantly so dang defensive. It is exhausting!

And all of this is after we had an afternoon date together today that was a pretty nice time.

Oh Stung, these twisted days are long. I am thankful you two do have space.

I hope tomorrow is better.

IDK Stung, this is the grey area that's so hard (IMO) when we stay & are trying to recover separately but together.

All I can say is that this is the reaction I tend to see in RAH when he isn't working his program ~not REALLY~. By that I mean that he may be doing meetings & going through motions, but he's either struggling internally against whatever all that is bringing up or he isn't actually working it, he's white-knuckling it & not truly applying the tools he knows. I don't know exactly of course, & if I've wandered this far to his side of the street, I've probably gone too far so I backtrack asap.

The defensive reaction for my RAH can STILL be one of the hardest issues for both of us. He handles stuff noticeably different when he's had enough sleep, attending meetings regularly, eating well, etc. vs. the opposite. But again, not my monkey ya know? He needs to figure that out & own it. The trick for me is to not get drawn into it. Those are the times I have to drop the rope even if it means I leave the situation to get the distance he won't give me because I NEVER get through to him anyway when he's in that mindset.

We get farther by coming back to the incident to discuss it rationally after we've had time to cool down on both sides. Especially, especially during early recovery. I definitely did not "get" that early enough on - it felt like a concession or free pass to drop the rope when I had a defendable point, ya know?