Yup it blows. I'm finding it very hard to detach living with AH. I am goin to take a page out of your book and try my hardest to keep my expectations to none. Thank you at least I know I'm not alone.

You deserve the partner and life you want. I wish you the strength to see that and achieve it.

Hugs

Well I can't have what I want right now. I want AH to work his program again and stay working it because I love him. I want to have normal needs. I want to joke and have light talks and not worry about what he's doing. In normal relationships there is a seamless ebb and flow of give and take. I'm miss that dearly. My husband gives me money. In return I take care of our family. We're at basics right now and trying to learn how to routinely do these basic things together.

If a day comes that I don't want AH anymore (and it's not just an angry outburst but a sustained decision that I don't want him) then I'll move along. I do love AH, I hate alcoholism, I strongly dislike AH when he's drinking. The rest of the time he's actually pretty enjoyable to be around and I love our little family of 4 when he's trying to live life on life's terms. Our daughters love him when he's here and sober and I love soaking up all of that love.

I have a lot of work to do on myself to be deserving of the life and partner that I want. I see what I need to do and I clearly see it. The challenge for me is realizing that AH's work isn't mine and not expecting him to jump and accommodate me so I can do my work. I've been with AH since I was 18 and we've been stuck together like glue since then. I have a little ungluing that I need to do so that I can be at a normal, healthy place with him.

I loved my ex very much too. We got along very well and he was always encouraging of me (until he wasn't and grew resentful). My allowance of less and less of a healthy partner was very subtle and gradual. I didn't see it when it was happening, but I can see it in hindsight. Each time I compromised myself, my values and wants in order to stay with the man I loved, I lost bits of me. I never realized when it was happening. I always said that I would leave when things got too bad. I set boundaries and gave ridiculous ultimatums, until I realized the ultimatums were pointless and I needed to find I new way where I wasn't controlling him. I backed off and let him do his thing and believed that he was "getting better/ working recovery." He got better at hiding things from me and did things I never thought he would. I was not prepared to split as quickly as we did because it was him that moved on with another, who wasn't a healthy concerned nurturer like myself, she fed his disease.

It never occurred to me that as long as I was in a relationship where the balance was so off and one partner was so sick (even he had many good days), the relationship itself was unhealthy regardless of how much I loved him and the good times we did have. I wish that I had been more objective and brave. I wish that I saw how much more was out there and that waiting for the other shoe to drop or not being in charge of your own life was never a healthy or safe place to be. No matter how much I loved him or wanted us to be together.

I don't wish that the past would change. I don't wish that I would have done anything differently in my own past. I don't wish for myself to do things faster or braver or stronger than I am doing them now. I am present and that is the very best thing I can do right now. I'm forming a relationship with myself and respecting myself and loving myself. That is the very best thing I can do for myself at the moment and it's the very best thing I can model for my children. If my husband is doing the same thing then maybe our relationship will last longer, maybe it won't. I'm only 50% of this thing and regardless, I will need to have a relationship with him for the foreseeable future because we have very small children together. If I was an unmarried woman with no children I would definitely do things differently than I am now, but I am not.

As per Courage To Change for this morning "I am not a rocket scientist, a philosopher or a wizard…" I'm just a freaking person and I'm doing the very best that I can for today. I know there is a world of possibilities out there for me to do ANYTHING, not just in matters of romance or partnership, whether I'm with an alcoholic or not. Truth be told, even if AH and I do split, meeting anyone else would be so far down my list of priorities that this truly is a moot point.

I'd like to surf more, sail more, travel more, I'm greatly looking forward to the holidays this year without extended family drama and expectations and OMG my kids are at such a fun age for holidays, older DD is already pumped about Halloween, back to school is coming up, I already have big green oranges growing on my orange tree and I cannot wait to take my girls to pick apples at a local U Pick this weekend. None of that is hanging on the action or inaction of AH. I also don't need to be in a nurturing romantic relationship for life to be enjoyable or fun. Today I choose to stay with him. That's my choice. I get more out of being in a relationship with him than I would by not being in a relationship with him at the current moment. Ditto for my kids.

And I think this is spot on.

Stung yeah you!!! Loving all the strength I see in those words. The point for those of us who do decide to stay is that we STOP "waiting for the other shoe to drop" and get out of our A spouses way if and when it does. We rediscover ourselves independently from the A's thoughts and find value and happiness within ourselves.