Once again I agree with you. You didn't hear from them after your husband walked out, but the first phone call is to ask you to bake for the family.

It's not the biggest issue out there, but it says a lot about how women are expected to support their family without receiving the same consideration in return. If you're angry, apply some of that anger to your husband as well. He's hanging on around you, but still living exactly as he pleases.

My anger towards him is building more and more he rang me last night very drunk distraught over his uncles death. I spoke to him for over 2 hours he told me he missed me as his best friend and to me that's says he just wants to keep me around but without any commitment to me or the kids. I will support him through the funeral but after that he needs to learn the reality of life on his own. He wants to be on his own so he can drink well he's got it!!!!

Oh what a terrible situation, I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. You had separated well before his uncle's passing, right? And the family has shown zero interest in you or the kids' well-being since then, until this request to help with the desserts. I'd be offended too - it IS offensive (& selfish) behavior on their parts.

I wonder if you have reflected that maybe this is your HP's way of showing you exactly how disposable your AH sees you & your relationship while he is still actively drinking. I mean, "keep you around without any commitment to you OR the kids"???? That is the absolute height of self-centered behavior isn't it? And he obviously has no desire to change it.

As they say here at SR - he's showing you who he really is... believe him.

He wants me around when he wants me but still do what he wants and actively drink. I know he's very confused and all over the place with his uncle dying and he doesn't know how he feels except he wants to drink! I told him today that I will support him and his family at the funeral tomorrow make desserts and organise the food after the funeral so his mum doesn't need to worry but after tomorrow there will be no more contact except about the kids until he has figured things out. I will give him time to sort himself out but I will focus on myself and my kids.

Last night and today was a wake up call as I realised just how disposable my AH sees me and how unimportant I am to him. I have been so focused on whether he's in love with me and wants his future with me as I thought that gave me hope he would sort himself out but he has told me today he doesn't know how he feels about me if he was in love with me how could he hurt me this way! I realised it doesn't matter how he feels he's not here and his actions show me alcohol is more important to him. Only he can sort himself out I need to focus on me and my kids they are my priority.

Yes he walked out in march

Ah calls to use you as his counselor and you give him 2 hours? Next time say this at minute 9 and wrap it up by minute 11. You need this time focusing on your own mind and feelings!

"Oh I need to run I've got biscuits about to burn for a funeral luncheon."

You were kind. You are busy being kind to others... I believe your situation is a bit typical of "the A wants to have their cake and eat it too?"

As for MIL being brilliant or cheeky? Who knows? You can't read her mind. Chances are high she will side with her DS. You have EVERY right to be hurt and devastated by your mate. But this is not the scene for marital drama.

Thinking about you and the situation. Sending you strength and hope Confused! Hugs!

No I know it's not. His sister called today she's home for the funeral and we have always gotten on well she was very supportive having had addiction with alcohol herself but she sought counselling as she didn't want to lose her family!! She has told me aswell to focus on myself and let him get on with it!! She informed me that MIL is very angry with her son but doesn't want to appear to be taking sides while I understand that a phone call wouldn't have hurt after all she has on other occasions he has walked out!!

I will support him and his family tomorrow but I have told him that once the funeral is over he's on his own until he has figured this out. For my own sanity I need to focus on me but here's the thing I don't even know how I true.y feel and don't know how to figure me out!!!

Hi Confused I can see you developing independence and beginning to take the focus off your husband and on to things you can control. It's a long painful process.
Thinking of you at the funeral; I hope it's not too upsetting for you.

It was more upsetting being around him. I sobbed my heart out but I don't know if it was because I was with him as I find it hard to be with him and usually cry or for the death of my husbands uncle. Or it could have been because I knew after today I would be going no contact. He asked me if he could take me for lunch later on this week and although I really wanted to I knew I couldn't. He then said oh that's right you don't want to see me. I reminded him that I would see him when he was willing to talk and sort himself out!!

Wow! Just that.

To an active alcoholic, alcohol is the solution - not the problem. This unfortunate family milestone has very little to do with how much he drinks, it just provides cover for what he would have done in any event. Until he wants to quit more than he wants to drink, nothing will change.

I am so sorry that is was such a draining day, confused. I'm sorry for the loss of your husband's uncle.

Just sending hugs! Vent away here all you want and need in the days to come.

Hi Confused,

You are on the right path. I wish you peace and insight. Invest time in you. You will get much more out of it. Either outcome with your AH, you will come out ahead. Hugs!

Boundaries are for us; to be ; safe, serene, and secure.......

Hi Confused

I'm so sorry for your loss and the difficult time you are going through.

I think many of us have tortured ourselves with trying to work out why an A needed alcohol more than they needed us. For me, going over and over and over this question was really about trying to find that 'magic solution' where I would be able to make my ABF understand that our relationship was so worthwhile that he would give up alcohol and become the man I wanted. Sadly, it was never going to happen. It's easier when you can accept that.

He probably does love you to the best of his ability and that's what makes it hard to accept that he isn't good for you. You and your lovely children are entitled to a life that is happy and healthy and free of the constant drama of trying to make an alcoholic be sober when he doesn't want to be. Grieve for the loss of those dreams and then make a better life for yourself and your children.