What say you about this?
 

This morning, I read a comment that iamthird made on another thread---and, it hit me with some force.....because I think it contains a lot of truth and it resonates very much with my experience.

I made this thread because I wanted to avoid hijacking the other person's thread.

Basically, iamthird stated that she had read somewhere that "emotional people rarely get heard".

I believe that this is true--especially if one is talking about a female, and, if there are tears involved. I've had some bad experiences along this line.

dandylion

HELP!!!!!!! I tried to make my above post into a separate thread---but have been unsuccessful.

Is there someone that can do it for me??

Here you go, Miss Dandylion....carry on!

Don't you think it's a balance dandy? If you try to act tough, you can make people think you don't care, but if you're over-emotional people tend to ignore you after a while.

If you want to be heard, follow through on what you say.

+1

I think there's a difference between passionate and emotional. If you have passion that comes from within, people tend to be attracted to that. If you're purely emotional and reactive, and without giving due process to your emotions, people tend to pull away, and as FeelingGreat said, it becomes like the boy crying wolf after a while

dandylion, I think this is very true. Women and men are perceived very differently, and the label "emotional" has a negative connotation, especially for women.

In my experience, logic and rational decision-making have gotten me farther than emotional outbursts in most situations. But at the same time, my emotional outbursts have served important purposes: they've shown that I *do* care, that I *am* vulnerable and that I need help and support.

I agree with FeelingGreat: in my situation, I've had to balance logic and reason (and the "tough" attitude that goes with them) with honestly expressing my emotions. So many people have seen me cry over the past month...yet those same people praise me for my strength and courage when it comes to making hard decisions.

I feel there are several things involved.

* If you are telling people how you feel and are unsympathic to your situation this causes raw emotions to accelerate

* If you are known as a drama person, people can't take you serious

* How are you expressing yourself, are you open for feedback or is the conversation only one way.

I hope this makes sense and what you are talking about.

I do think it's true. I think women get a hard shake, that if we show our emoations it's, "The hormones are coming out, or, Are you about to start?"

I am a relatively high key person by nature. Short fuse, high strung. My boss and I are friends. Anytime I have a business meeting with our other partners or anything like that the positive feedback I get from my boss is when I keep my feelings out of it, carry myself in a professional and sensible manner.

It also happened at the hospital the other day. My dad had a surgery and my mom was pretty frustrated with a few things. I came in and in a very business like way told them the issues and how I wanted it solved. It happened immediately.

Definitely the way you act and carry yourself makes a huge difference no matter what environment you are in.

Actually, iamthird was referring to a courtroom situation, specifically. But I think that in situations of high conflict--it works against. The most emotional is the most discounted (often).

As a general statement, though--I think women are more tolerant of emotion in others than men are. (of course, there are exceptions).

dandylion

This is absolutely true for me, too. When my mother lay dying in a hospital in 2012, my ex-husband informed me (through his father...he didn't even have the guts to talk to me himself) that he believed I was lying about it to get out of a court date, and would not agree to a continuance. My former father-in-law said something like my ex-husband "wasn't doing this to be a jerk, but because 'I tend to be hysterical and emotional about things'." So this 37-year old (at the time) woman had to call my FATHER, and have him call my 45-year old (at the time) ex-husband's FATHER to "convince" them that my mother was indeed on her death bed. *sigh* Now, there was that added layer of ex-spouse animosity in there, too...it wasn't just a case of my feelings being discounted because I'm emotional. Just because I cry easily, and had been put through the wringer by those people for YEARS, I was accused of lying. But yeah...and I can assure everyone that my mother did indeed pass away the night before we were supposed to have that court hearing.

And of course my AH discounts my feelings all the time. Like all of us, I could write a thousand-page book about it. But it's that experience with my (non A) ex-husband that stands out most for me.

I think there's a cultural aspect to it, too.

My culture does not value emotional expression. In fact, if I start crying or raise my voice, it's a sign that I have run out of arguments, and the conclusion generally drawn is that I should go away and regain my composure before continuing any interaction with other humans. (I swear I don't have scales or a tail or black blood... although typed out, it sounds like I'm some kind of alien! :lmao)

I'm still heavily influenced by that. I don't see emotional arguments as being as valid as rational arguments. But I don't think that's necessarily always bad.

Example: AXH would be angry and furious and jealous and hurt and raging if I went out for coffee with my girlfriends. He thought the fact that his feelings were hurt ought to be enough for me to simply cease my hurtful behavior. My rational argument -- that he was responsible for his emotions, and that there was nothing objectively wrong in what I was doing -- feel on deaf ears with him. Because the fact that his feelings were hurt to him automatically meant that someone else must have done something wrong.

So that's sort of the "other side" of "emotional people don't get heard" -- sometimes, there's a good reason for it.

And, as we all know, sometimes, there's not.

I find this very interesting.

I used to think of myself as an "emotional" somewhat "sensitive" person.

However, when I was married to abusive XH, I found his outbursts of ANGER to be the ultimate sign of the loss of self control.

Crying, being "emotive" not an issue in my mind. Just means you care.

That angry crap to me means you are OUT OF CONTROL.

L

Here's the thing about anger...it is a total legitimate emotion, of course. But like any emotion, it needs to be expressed in a way that minimizes unnecessary harm to other peoples (and to oneself). That's true for all feelings, in my opinion, but it is just more obvious with anger because anger can turn so quickly into abuse for many of us.

So my feelings aren't that anger = out of control. It's more like anger expressed in deliberately hurtful or abusive ways = out of control.

How horrible I am sorry for your loss and what a Jerk. I will be emotional for you.

I agree with that statement. I didn't know the difference until I started learning more of who I am. I cry in an argument and never could understand why. I wanted to be tuff girl but was a crying baby instead. Now I am learning and applying my tools I have and can see a difference.

when we say emotional - do we mean sobbing, snot running down the face crying jag - OR - do we mean one FULL of emotions on a wide spectrum.

very different.

Anvilhead---I am more specifically referring to the situation that iamthird was referring to--advising someone who had to go to court to remain "calm" and not show emotionality.

I can identify with her comments because I have felt like that, before. Especially, in situations where a lot was at stake (for me)....and trying to present my "case", or point of view, or just defend my rights. Sometimes, the intense internal emotions at play will trigger tears or emotions in the voice. Depending on the severity of the situation or the hostility of the other parties involved--yes, there might be tears with the snot running down, a shakiness of voice or raise in the voice volume or tone or voice might change. The total picture is one of a person with a LOT of emotion behind them.
I believe that a person who has their emotions spilling over in this way is often judged in a negative way--no matter how much in the right they might be. Perhaps others are inclined to judge that a person capable of this emotion, somehow, has a weakness or character or does not possess sound judgement.......or might be given to female hysteria associated with hormonal cycles...etc......

dandylion

I think in courtroom situations you have to stay calm and level headed. I have been going to court for almost three years over custody issues and yes, staying calm is the hardest part. (Check my lawyer kicking me under the table!) The only time I felt they were appropriate were when we all had to listen to a recording of my XAH belittling my son on the phone. I could not help silently crying during the audio. I know the judge noticed me and it affected him and may have worked to my advantage. Especially since I had not been very emotional any other the other times I had been in his court, and we discussed terrible things.

They need to look at the facts in court. Not all the hurt. The laws are the laws and unfortunately emotions shouldn't play into that. While I sit and watch others while I am waiting, I don't like watching others that get extremely overemotional in court, and I really should be relating because of my situation. Strange actually.

It is funny, as I have gotten more control over my own life again, I am not anywhere near as emotional. In a great way.

This is going to get me in trouble......I think it is like judging someone for being overweight. You are assuming they don't have control of themselves in life. Not usually a correct assumption but one that is ingrained in us because of society, upbringing etc. Doesn't mean I agree with it in any way......

4MyBoys

I have been thinking about this a lot the last few days. I tend to think a lot. I was actually going to post a thread about the "f" word. "f" meaning feelings, feelings meaning emotions.

I already got through dealing with hiding my feelings, (emotions) when married.

Had to go to court, and do the same thing. After all, what judge wants to hear this? You have feelings, express emotions, you look crazier then the crazy person. Why? I don't know? I can't say they don't have feelings, (emotions), but they have had practice hiding them. This was something new to me. It wasn't new to me to have feelings, or emotions, it was new to me that I had to hide them to survive.

Maybe I am not getting what you are asking, maybe I am, I just needed to write this down today.

I like having the "f" word. FEELINGS. I like having the "e" word, EMOTIONS, I think that is what makes me be who I am. Sometimes we can still have feelings, but just keep our emotions in check.

I think "emotional" people (I envision someone who is easily made sad or cries frequently) can't control their emotions, in the same regard as those with road rage can't control their anger/agitation. Both need to put their emotions into check. There is a time and place to cry and there is a time and place to be angry.