lying
 

I'm really struggling with all the lies. He was really big on instilling the kids that honesty is the only way to go. That lying broke trust and once broken is hard to get back. He has been lying to me for the last few years. I thought we never kept anything from each other. I am struggling with the fact that the life I thought I had was not real. I really thought we had something special. For many years we did, but not now. I feel stupid.

Have you told him what you just typed here? Not saying it is going to get through to him. But he could certainly use to hear it, even though he won't want to hear it!

Giliji, the thing that was so eye opening for me about my AH's lying was that he actually seemed to believe his own lies. I think they become so adept at lying that it's difficult for even them to distinguish fact from fiction.

I told him that he was so big on being truthful but he lied to me. He didn't say anything. I didn't tell him how I felt about it. That is a good idea. Thanks!

JustAGirl so far he hasn't admitted to or denied anything. He couldn't answer me at all. We always said we would never have secrets from each other. He has his lies and I have a hidden savings account. :(

O honey...don't ever feel stupid. It's him doing the lying, not you....that is stupid. For myself, that is what just does me in. I could tolerate hearing, hey, I messed up today, I was weak but am working on it. Instead I hear lies that make ME feel like the crazy one. I have to say, I have put my foot down and I don't really think he lies to me anymore. However, it is because I don't allow it, not because he doesn't want to, which just defeats the purpose. QUACK.

Honesty is the only way to go. It is good he instilled that in your kids, and you know it too. The thing is, so does he, but it is hard to "walk the walk," so to speak.

I do understand how sad it makes you feel, the resentment, the anger, the anxiety...all of it, and I send you big tight hugs.

I know this one, all too well.

Sorry I do not recall the details ---

Is he "Dry" now, or still active on Alcohol, etc., addiction(s)?

Hi giliji,

My ex-husband lied and cheated on me toward the end our marriage. I did not trust him, and he did not understand that in order for me to trust him again, he had to earn it. He thought we could just move on without addressing any of the pain I felt, and that just wasn't possible for me. We talked a lot about the reasons he cheated, and he did have some valid complaints about me and our marriage--but he could never talk about what he did that hurt me, and there was no getting past that for me.

I, too, felt stupid. I felt as though my entire marriage and relationship with him was a lie. But is wasn't, not for me.

My feelings and intentions and actions may not have been perfect, but they were genuine and honorable. I did love him....in many ways, I still do (just not romantically). My part of the marriage was not a lie. Your part of your marriage has not been a lie, and for that, you should be proud.

Thanks for the hugs hopeful. He can't tell me he messed up because he doesn't think he has a problem. I don't ask him anymore if he is drinking because I'm tired of hearing lies. Although I'm tempted to ask him to honestly tell me if he was drinking while he was out of town last week. But I don't know what that will accomplish.

Hammer he is actively drinking but won't admit it and drinks secretly.

Seren while I know my part isn't a lie, it still hurts to my core that he lied/lies to me. I can't wrap my head around the fact that he's not my white knight and rock .

I'm so sorry, giliji. The hardest part, sometimes, is just accepting the simple truths.

I couldn't believe it when my ex told me about the affair....and that is was still going on. I thought he and I were a team, us and the rest of the world. But he broke that team, and I finally decided I couldn't wait around being one-half of something broken.

I wanted to move on and be whole again, with or without someone in my life. By far the hardest thing I've ever done.

I'm sorry you are hurting today...

Can you distract yourself getting ready for your first day on your new job?! What are you going to wear?!

Understand that. When you start hearing (or likely have, I suppose) his lies coming back from other folks who are trying to make sense of things -- it really gets weird. And More Tiresome.

Let me guess. More Lies? And then Lies About the Lies?

ahhhh. So you have a looonnnnggg road ahead. Well makes for Plenty of Time to Work on YOUR Side of things, I suppose. Which is really a Very Good thing.

Once you hit into the Steps, the lying is just background noise, like a passing car, or crickets chirping or something. Someone will say something about something like his lying and it sort of sounds like the weather -- Cold Day out today -- Yeah sure is -- and then move on to what actually interests you.

You only have to sit and deal on the misery side of this as long you have to or you need to.

Seren, being a team, us together against everyone else. That pretty much sums it up. That's what I thought. BTW I'm not the one starting a new job :)

Hammer I had started going to al-anon but things have changed and I haven't been able to get back. There are not many meetings here. The ones that are around are too late at night.

Oh, right.....forgive the old woman...it's been a long day :lmao

No problem. I totally understand. Lol

Is there a Celebrate Recovery near? It is alot the same but backed up with scripture, it has helped me immensely. Just a thought!

Yeah the lies. I think the best advice that worked for me was to stop even expecting the truth. Sad to say it's just part of their alcoholism. The lying is about him not you no matter how you express to him that it makes you feel. The very last time I comforted my AH about a bold faced lie it was met with total silence, he had no answer or even feigned remorse at all. The lies are all about protecting the alcohol, there is no rational thought as to how it affects anyone around them, and if there is, it's brief and often used as yet another excuse to drink more. Big hugs to you giliji, I know that kind of pain and I so hope you can come to terms with it and not let it eat at you while to continue working on your own healing.

There is CR. However, the facilitator is someone have known for many years but we aren't as close as we used to be. It would not work for me. Also I have had problems with Christianity for several years now. We used to be very involved in the church.

Thanks HikerLady. I understand about the lies being from the alcohol, but what about in the beginning and he first started hiding it. The alcohol didn't have a hold of him yet. I used to think I could talk to him about anything. Its so sad that I don't trust him anymore.

I am sorry to hear that. I hope you continue to seek even a non-step based support group. Of course, we are always here for you too!
:ring

Thanks Hopeful. I'm sorry about it to. Christianity/church was a part of my life until 7 years ago.

If you ever need a buddy feel free to PM me anytime! I too have fallen out and back in with Christianity. I read a book the other day written by an H addict. She said when she went to rehab she was upset that they were forced to go to 12 step meetings, she did not have that sort of faith. Someone there told her that even to meditate and pray to want to pray would help her, and it did help her. It was not the only tool, but it gave her something to focus on, and helped her see she could not do it alone. I was inspired by that.

I know there are others who have posted online Alanon meetings too.

Have a peaceful evening!

Yess, it is very sad that you cannot trust him. Even in the beginning, it was always about the alcohol. It's irrational and there is no real understanding in it on our parts, it just is what it is. To stay with him w/o losing your mind you need to keep the focus on you despite what he's doing. Get you strong whatever it takes despite his faults. Work on your steps. One thing at a time. His lies are his and you will eventually be able to let that pain go and/or utilize it to gain more inner strength to change what you can change for you.

ahhh. This bed is too small, this one too big, this porridge is too cold/hot, etc.

All good. Not quite miserable enough, yet?

Not to worry, you will likely get there.

The present lying is just the warm-up band on the show ahead.

Really do get it. Been there, done that.

It was losing the house and the kids going homeless that did it for me. Just about a year and half ago, looking back.

I did not like any of the "nice" Alanon up here on the decent side of town, when we came up from the deep 'hood in Dallas. Down in the hood, it was "real." At least to me. Messed up folks -- you could "see" a lot of their problems on the surface. But even as now in the nice area, the problems go way deeper than the surface.

My "old" Alanon was in an abandoned grocery store, missing tiles on the ceiling and floor. Not a single chair matched another. Old couches, easy chairs, folding chairs, whatever. People mixed too. Black, white, brown, Asian, gay, straight, who-knows, kids, young, old, whatever. I loved them all.

Came up to the decent side of town, and all the chairs matched, the rooms nicely decorated, and the folks all sort of dressed the same, looked the same, mostly all white, and I just missed my old home group. So I did not want to go. So I would do all those BS excuses, too. That is all fine, we follow.

Like I say, I did my own best path and we wound up homeless. I went screaming crying to the local Alanon. Now we again have a nice house, still here in the same "good" area. But when God restored us, He put us in a house close enough to WALK to Alanon / AA. Same one I thought I was too "real" to go to. Lotta Crap in my head at times.

And there are another good 3 (or more) locations less than a half-hour away. Alateen for the kids. For me -- Formal Step Programs, and Men's Meetings. Women's Meetings and even Eating Disorder Meetings for Mrs Hammer. And I hit other meetings while traveling on business. So anymore -- the jeep, or next bus, or evac helicopter, or pedicab heading to or walking (yeah WALKING, did today) to ANY Alanon, (or maybe someday, CR) is good.

But like I say, you will likely get there, too.

The ox is slow, but the Earth is patient. :)

Thanks Hopeful I appreciate it and may take u up on ur offer. I miss having someone to talk to.

HikerLady thank you. I do need to try and focus on myself. Its hard when we have been a team

Lol Hammer. I am the master of excuses.

I think we've all been there, giliji. It really is a process that we have to figure out for ourselves. It starts with awareness, which you have. Acceptance, which you're working on :)

I'm still uncovering lies...and I don't even want to know anymore, but they just keep appearing. It's ok though. I won't ever have to hear another of his lies again. While it hurts me to the core that someone I loved could look me straight in the face, without flinching, and lie through his teeth, it was my own fault for giving my trust away to someone who so clearly didn't deserve it.

It's really sad when you have to be with someone and NOT expect to be told the truth. That's a horrible way to live and goes against everything a relationship should stand for. I truly understand your pain. It's such a betrayal. I honestly believe that they do believe their own lies and that's why it seems easy for them. I have to believe that for the time being.

But lies... yeah, our entire relationship seems to have been based on nothing but. It's appalling.

Your daughter did have surgery yesterday, if I'm remembering that part correctly. How did everything go? Is she OK?

Jeez Hammer, you're nailing them today! Loved this post too! I can sooo appreciate your approach. :)

Thanks for asking Seren. She is doing well. Surgery went better than expected. Recovery is going to be a bit rough. I will be spending more than a few nights over here since her husband works third shift.