things i will miss and not miss
 

I will admit to you that I am having a crushingly hard time with no contact. Not because I want to jump back into the fire, but because I'm 35 and this was a plan for the rest of our lives, and it ended with a 3 minute phone conversation in which I told her she hit me, she hung up on me abruptly, and the texts, voicemails and emails asking for second chances started until I finally deleted every trace of myself digitally. I now have a handwritten letter saying the words I thought I'd never hear: "I'm seeking help." I stayed true to the advice I received and did not respond, to anything. She never received an explanation and now says she's seeking help supposedly. I have been radio silent. There is something in the ether that seems wrong about this, but I know you will say I must watch out for myself now. I have had a peace, a sad peace, that I haven't had for nearly a year. She has said her piece many times. I never got to say mine. maybe that's what SR is for. I wish she could hear my side. but I'm silent because it might ignite more things.

So please, tell me this is a codependent exercise, please point out the faults in my thinking. But this 'inventory' is something I need to get out.

I will miss:

The two or so weeks when she quit drinking and we bought plants for her new apartment, we made dinners together, we talked about the future and getting a place together
The weekends when she never drank
Our sacred starbucks outings
So many odd coincidences that convinced me it was kismet, for example we were born at the same exact time, or maybe this just added to our magical thinking
How she'd wake up super early before me when she didn't drink and get us donuts and coffee
Her compassion for animals
Her encyclopedic knowledge of music and her honest to god critiquing of my own music
Her kindness to strangers (well most of the time)
Her loyalty to her family (always)
Her core decency
Her artistic prowess
Her loyalty to me and how proud she was of my work (never had that. is that validation i sought?)
The beautifully arranged home she kept
The way she knew how to heal others, like she was meant to be a nurse, her actual profession. It just didn't translate for her personally.
Her meticulous attention to detail that translated into a fashion sense that was unique, expressive and impeccable
The promise of a life together

I cannot miss:

Being hit in the face when I said I love you
Being beaten repeatedly with her purse in public
That fear of being stabbed if she had too much wine
Talk of needing a gun
Helping her home because she couldn't walk
Her lying in a busy street crying
Her forgetting who I was, then trying to make love to me
Jumping for joy when she didn't drink a whole weekend
Racking up a list of restaurants in my neighborhood I'm no longer allowed to frequent
Her asking if I'm 'sure' I want to drive to her in the rain, or the dark, because I knew she just wanted to drink alone that night
Her telling me she's 'moving slowly' on weekend mornings when she was supposed to visit me, because she's trying to get her drinking in before seeing me
Her smuggling water bottles of white wine into my apartment with paper towels held onto them by rubber bands
Her calling my neighbor a 'stupid c word' through the air vent because my neighbor was talking loud
Her opening all my kitchen cabinets claiming I must be hiding some liquor somewhere
Her abruptly attempting to drive to liquor stores at midnight even though they closed long ago
Taking her keys from her when she had too much
Her talking about her exes in extreme detail when she got drunk
Her getting in verbal shouting matches with girls that looked at her, or me, 'wrong'
Being manipulated into walking on the train tracks near her apartment when she just wanted to go to the liquor store
The stranded feeling of watching movies alone for hours at her apartment while she slept till 8pm from all the nausea of drinking 2 boxes of wine
Being threatened to be punched when I tried to hug her
Worrying about whether her kidney stones were the first physical manifestation of her drinking I was actually witnessing
My consant diarrhea from the anxiety of wondering if she'll hit me or if tonight is a quiet night
Taking anxiety meds just to sleep next to her
Her obsession with female porn stars
Her heroin addicted cousin
The chain smoking

Missed One . . .

YOU SUCK!

ok. That should about fill it out.

Sorry, Man.

------------------------

Very odd quote that sort of fits things like this sometimes.

“[it is sometimes] like being a jackass caught in a hail storm.

You've got to just stand there and take it.”

―Lyndon B. Johnson

Blake, the more you uncover here on the forum, the more convinced I become that getting away from her and staying away from her is exactly what you need to do.

I'm glad you are clinging to no contact, it can be so difficult at times.

You have been through so much. She is very unstable, not your responsibility.

Hang in.

love to you Katie

phone conversation in which I told her she hit me

This fragment of a sentence is enough of an explanation. She knows what the problem is/was. Being an alcoholic and mentally ill doesn't make her a bad person. No one is all bad but she is very, very troubled. I'm so sorry Blake. :(

I'm sorry you are aching. Sending you big hugs. You can make it through.

You didn't deserve to be treated so poorly.

It really sucks, thinking about what "could have been", "if only...".

Peace.

Cons definintely outweigh the Pros. You are grieving, that's okay. I heard someone in Alanon say once, "It's okay to look back, just don't stare." In other words, we can't help but look back on old times when we leave these relationships. But don't get fixated, don't "stare". Move forward, keep your eye on the future. I respect that even though you're struggling, you're taking the wisdom offered here and remaining No Contact. You will look back in a year and thank yourself for finding the courage to do it.

"It's okay to look back, just don't stare."

This is awesome!

So here's what I think...

I went over a similar pros and cons list while still married to AXH. And... well, there's an old poem somewhere that talks about how, when you are about to make a big life-changing decision, you need to do it by coin toss: Not so that a silly game of chance will determine the outcome, but the second you toss that coin in the air, you will know what outcome you wish for.

The first time I made the list in my head, I for sure wanted the "pros" to outweigh the "cons"... the second time, my list looked similar to yours. But what I realized was that even if the "pros" list had been a mile long, the "cons" were serious enough that it didn't matter. It didn't even matter what my hopes were. What mattered was that I was in a relationship with a person who had the capacity to hurt me, even kill me. Not in that "we all have the capacity for violence, given the right circumstances" but someone who had already started making those capacities actual reality.

When your life is at stake, ain't a whole lot else that actually matters.
It hurts.
That means you're alive.
And let me tell you, 35 is no age on a good horse... :) My single girlfriends tell me that they're pretty happy that there are men out there who have been through a bad marriage/serious relationship and know what they don't want. I know you're far away from thinking of dating again (and if you're anything like me, you may even have sworn off relationships for FOREVER) -- but the hurt will lessen. You'll have scars. That means you've lived. And there will be people who will appreciate you and love you not DESPITE the scars, but because of them, and because of what they have taught you.

Take care of yourself.

I'm sorry. Good luck.

"I will admit to you that I am having a crushingly hard time with no contact. Not because I want to jump back into the fire, but because I'm 35 and this was a plan for the rest of our lives"
I can really relate to this because I'm 36 and really thought he was the one. But it's better to start over at 36 than at 46 with kids and a mortgage in tow. I miss him a lot too, it would hurt too much to type it all out. Remember it's ok to have a hard time moving on your human and don't have much support where you live. You have come a far way already, in his poem "on good and evil" Khalil Gibran wrote "even those who limp go not backward". He is talking about all of us here on SR limping towards sanity and self awareness. Please take care of yourself Blake we are all limping along with you.

Blake, have been reading your other thread on this situation, and am really happy to see this post, as things seem to be shifting, and it was so good to see your observation that it is you are who struggling with no contact. It is though the best possible, and most loving thing you can do for you, and for her.

Having a talent (ahem) for stating the obvious, I noticed that your 'will not miss' list, is so much longer than your 'will miss' list. Hmmmm....;-)

As another contributor posted above, your ex-girlfriend is not a well person, and is not, and most probably was not the whole time, able for a relationship of the kind both of you deserve. Genuinely, trying to do anything like a meaningful relationship is a really tough call with a drinking alcoholic, and the saying that it is a family illness (even if not blood) is true, because one form or illness sparks another. It's inevitable

Getting yourself in shape for that is a long road, in my experience, and what it takes is a willingness to look at myself, as that is the only person I can change, and really drill down into how my co-dependence manifests in relationships, and what I need to do differently. It's almost like your miss and won't miss list applied to my own behaviour in relationships!

Am sorry for your grief, and it is grief, because somehow loss of hoped for potential can be more painful than something concrete that actually was

Wish you well

I have nothing to add except that I'm sorry :(

I don't have any great words so let me say I am so sorry for your sadness and send warm hugs your way. You will heal.

blake....any ONE of the cons wipes out the pros. serious.

Her meticulous attention to detail that translated into a fashion sense that was unique, expressive and impeccable - great she could dress herself.

Being beaten repeatedly with her purse in public - great, was that a Couch or Gucci bag, part of her fashion sense????

The promise of a life together vs That fear of being stabbed if she had too much wine

blake, I think you built her up in your head...put her on a pedestal and gave her attributes she really did not posses. people who are good at their core do not DO any one single item on the con list, except maybe needing help navigating to home. the con list describes a dangerously unbalanced woman.

I'm really proud of you Blake. You're so strong with getting through this. You're doing what I can't seem to accomplish. I crumbled when he said he can't live like this and I panicked that he was going to hurt himself. I picked up the phone. I don't know how to do it, I don't know how to walk away. I refused to see him tonight, so all isn't lost, but I feel emotionally shredded right now. He's promised me everything I've ever wanted to hear (except that he'll get real help). I want to believe it, but I don't and I don't know what's worse at this point... fooling myself that he was really going to change all those times or knowing now that he really isn't.

I can't stay and I can't walk away. God, I don't know how to do this and I just want to stop crying and hurting. You're doing the best thing you can do for yourself Blake. Don't talk to her. Please trust me on this. It really does just make it all so much worse and so much harder. I'm drowning all over again from my very own damn stupidity. The worst thing I could have done to myself was read his last desperate text and pick up that phone when it rang.

You're saving yourself - don't ever forget that.

Just keep posting here Halo. We're here for you. I can tell that he has a pull on you like my ex has (working on had) on me. And Anvilhead's observations are not to be overlooked. It's so odd how I can say that yet still feel another thing. Geez I made those lists myself and anyone would see the insanity of it. Except me. Halo, my ex was in the hospital 3 times for gory suicide attempts many years ago. The fear that she'd hurt herself kept me from taking action for some time. It appears she's alive and well. Well enough to call me names on my voicemail, and send me everything, including nearly empty bottles of shampoo and 'we love our customers' hangers back to me, plus a note that she is seeking help.

When I was very new here, someone (maybe Hammer) replied to a thread of mine and said "it seems Blake has not had enough." I just wasn't 'getting it'. At that time, in my mind, I thought 'had enough? i can't get enough. why would i ever have enough?'. Months later I read it again and it made sense.

Halo, I only am doing this out of some spiritual navy seal survival mode I was driven to because it seems my body had enough. I was physically ill. I thought I might lose my job. I'm still waiting for my heart to catch up to all of it.

It is snowing outside. There is a fox behind my building in the snow.

That fox in the snow seems so much more beautiful than the horror I have watched in the past year.

Nah, she doesn't sound crazy at all......

:lmao

Oh God Blake, I'm so sorry to hear that she's done that to herself and I can only imagine how tough it must be for you to fight that urge knowing her history. My best friend killed himself one night when he was very drunk and depressed. I had just finished an almost 24 hour shift at the hospital because of a storm lock-down (nobody could get in, so those of us there had to stay) when I walked in my door and my sister said I needed to call him and that he sounded really off. He had a history of depression and drinking and I figured that was what was going on. I was so exhausted and knew my son, who was only 3 at the time, was going to be up within hours and I just wanted some sleep. I decided not to call because I just didn't have the energy to listen to it all that night and figured I'd call him in the morning when he was sober. That morning never came. He shot himself that night. I hold that guilt like a knife in my chest daily, still, after all of these years. My mind knows that it probably would have happened eventually since he was so set on it, but my heart says that he only did it because he was drunk and so depressed and that I could have - should have - helped him that night. He was like a brother to me since we were young. He had a horrible, brutal childhood with a drug addicted mother and an extremely abusive father. I can tell myself anything I want to, but I'll always blame his death on myself. My ex knows this and I think he knows that the minute he mentions anything having to do with suicide, I go into an instant full blown panic attack. Like that can't breathe, someone's sitting on my chest, my throat is closing and my heart is pounding panic. I keep telling myself that he uses that against me to get me to talk to him and he knows that tactic works. But what if it's not that, what if he did do something? I couldn't live through that again. I ended up doing a 7 day hospital stay over that and I went into the deepest depression I think anyone could go into and come out of still alive. I'm getting anxious just writing about it. 5 years later, my ex-boyfriend ( we'd been broken up for 2 years and he was engaged to someone else, but we still remained good friends - we grew up together and dated all through high school and quite a few years after) killed himself after a night of drugs and alcohol. It was Christmas Eve. I'll never forget that call. It was like someone drop kicked me in the stomach. So, this is why I panic the second someone even remotely mentions hurting themselves.

I've been completely on my own since I was 16. I had a horribly depressed, emotionally abusive alcoholic mother and an physically abusive step-father. My real father was quite a piece of work as well. In the grand scheme of things, it takes a lot to knock me off my feet, but I can't get control of this situation for the life of me. How I'm keeping up with my studies is beyond me. I think it's my only escape at this point and I almost screwed that up Tuesday, but I won't. I wish I could just forget. Forget the great times, forget the closeness that we shared when he was sober, forget that he always told me that I was the only person he could trust, the only person he knew how to love. Yet, he verbally abused the hell out of me when he was drunk and angry, much like your ex. It's hard to make sense of it all, but I guess with them being alcoholics, we can't make sense of their logic. It's not the same as ours. There are glimpses of normal thinking, but they're only small rays of light here and there in so much darkness.

Fox are said to be the stealthy messengers of the gods in Celtic culture. Very appropriate and powerful that it showed up in your life tonight. Check this out....
The fox is a great guide when you are facing tricky situations. When the fox appears in you life, it encourages action and quick, swift moves. You may be called to take action in a way that shows your adaptability and ability to move quickly through obstacles and hard resistance.

Being inspired by a fox totem, you can work at developing the sharpness of your mental skills: Analytical intelligence, power of deduction, observation can come into play more powerfully in how you deal with emotional matters or bigger projects.

Stealthy messenger of the gods,
Cunning and wise, reliable friend,
Guide my steps through this maze of deception
And see this problem to its end.

Crazy, huh? Maybe you need to send him to visit me next. :)

I'm really proud of you - you're doing so good through this Blake, you really are. Your strength is inspiring. I hope you know that. I'm watching you get through this and hoping that somehow, soon, I find the path you're taking and start walking it too.

I'm still fighting... I'm trying so hard not to give in. I can't give in.

Wow, I did NOT realize that was so long!! :hide

The head and the heart have a hard time aligning when your emotions are invested sometimes. It is helpful to write things out and read them, asking yourself what you would think if someone else was explaining it to you as their own situation.

I've reread things too and had a different perspective.


One of my favorite animals. I think they are so beautiful. Just gorgeous.

Enjoy the peace.

Peace.

Edit: if the fox is still there, take a picture of it if you can, and look at it to remind yourself of the feeling of that moment. The peace of it.

Lol. No need to hide under a chair ;) That's what this forum is for. Talking and listening. And all of the wonderful things that happen within that communication.

Peace.

No contact feels horrible, it feels wrong for a million reasons. I hate it, it goes against everything inside me...I want to call him, beg him, drive out there and try to find him, email, text, whatever I could do, I have considered it. I hate myself right now for that. But then, then I sort of sit and think, wtf would I do if he actually showed up at the house? I sure as hell would not let him in and I think I might be strong enough to not run outside and talk to him. Because then my kids would give me those looks of utter betrayal, that I put us all in danger's way. Because how would I manage to get him back out of the house and my life if I let him in, without getting hurt, if things turned ugly, as I know they would. As I said once before, though, while no contact is super duper terribly awfully unbearably hard...ugly hard... it IS EASIER than contact. Contact with them sets you back, even if its onesided and you don't respond, any form of contact is bad...in my experience anyway. Its hard, but pulling yourself back up out of the chaos when you get pulled down by her again and nearly drowned by her insanity is harder. My mess of an Ex fiance sounds much like yours, and the whole fear of being stabbed, I get that. It seriously put goosebumps up the back of my neck to think you have been put through that. And hit for hugging or kissing or whatever it was on your list. I got a chair thrown at me for kissing him while he watched tv...because I was interrupting. Strange how that looks in black and white when I read that about myself, that I ever accepted that in my life. Yes, it is a sad peace you are living right now, I am right there with you. Its lonely, and dark in this peace. That time you are supposed to be taking to focus on you does something else at the same time. It gives you time to live normally. My, How we forget what that feels like, when we live with alcoholics. Or at least to creep towards normal. Space to give you some perspective and clarity. My example for clarity: My ex husband's (not the alcoholic ex fiance) grandfather developed alzheimers (from drinking a bottle of vodka a day) and it became quite severe as he aged into his upper 80s. His tiny little spitfire of a wife, also in her 80s, refused to put her husband in a nursing home where he should have been (thinking it was her DUTY to take care of him, in sickness and in health, etc), and ended up spending every waking moment taking care of him, day and night, for he would think he was lighting a cigarette, but was setting a napkin on fire and dropping it on the floor, would think he was in the bathroom, but would crap on the living room couch. Would walk into the garage, not turning on the light, because his mind was living another place and time, and fall and bash up his head or become combative and go after her. He was no longer in there, his mind had completely failed. At some point, it became too much for her, he fell down some stairs, was hospitalized and soon died. Though she grieved deeply for his passing, she soon found she had time to play bridge again with friends, read books she had been wanting to read, etc, things she enjoyed but had forgotten. And soon enough, it came clear to her that SO MUCH of her life had been taking care of him, and looking out for him, that it consumed her entire being and she had not spent any time actually LIVING for herself. I am saying this badly I think, but I hope I get my point across and don't look like I am bashing a poor sweet old couple, because I am not. It took some time for her to actually see how much of her life she had given up, so many of her golden years, spent futilely trying to play nurse and caretaker when it was an illness that she was not capable of handling on her own. She didn't see it, until she was out of the situation and got some clarity and distance from it. She couldn't see it clearly, she was too close and wrapped up in it. She spent over a decade trying to handle his illness, and lost so many of her golden years. Time wasted, because she was not the person who should have been his caretaker, and he would have wanted her to be enjoying her golden years, as she put it later, a few months before she died.
This is what we do, we give so much of ourselves trying to fix them or take care of them, or whatever, we lose our entire identity, though we really are not equipped to "fix" them. And we don't even realize its happening til our entire being is just centered around their sickness and drama. Distance and time will give you clarity. I hope. I think that is what no contact is for. It still feels horrible though. I keep repeating that to myself in the hopes that it actually happens. At this point, no contact is hurting badly, but my fear and dread over what contact will feel like when he rears his ugly head in person instead of email (since I am not responding) is growing...making "no contact" seem not so awful after all. Little by little I am finding I don't want to hear from him, because I like my peace better. I wonder...is the peace and calm addictive? I hope so. So while no contact is hard, it gives you time to grow stronger and gain some of yourself back and maybe before you know it, you will be saying to yourself WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING, like Madea said in Hammer's video that was posted earlier. Sorry to everyone if my post is all rambling and nonsensical. I am fighting norovirus, on top of stress and am just super tired, but my heart went out to you and I wanted to add my two cents because I am living what you are going through.

Thank you for that post Ofelie. You're so right. Not hearing from him felt like the hardest thing ever... until I did hear from him again. It made not hearing from him seem a whole lot easier. I feel like I'm starting all over with everything again because I caved and talked to him. I shouldn't have. It's changed nothing, but it certainly did make the hurt a little deeper and set me back a few steps. He begged, pleaded, cried... but never once said he'd get the help he needs. I can't fix him. I can't fix him. He doesn't want to be fixed. He wants an emotional punching bag, a mommy and someone to clean up the messes he makes. I've helped him to be unaccountable for his actions. I let him treat me horribly and felt bad because he felt bad for doing it, so always said it was fine. I wasn't fine. It's not fine. You don't treat another human being like that. Especially one that you're supposed to love and care about.

When you love someone, you try to protect them from being hurt. If they do get hurt, you're there to help them through it. You don't cause it and then manipulate them enough so that in the end, they're apologizing for the hurt you've caused them.

Ok... feeling a bit stronger today. I needed to read what you wrote today Ofelie. You are so, so right. No contact is hard, but not nearly as hard as contact.

I keep wondering if No Contact should be two part. No Contact, meaning we don't reach out, and No Response, meaning we don't respond to their ********. Its two different things, really, isn't it? I got derailed from receiving a nasty email from him, that everyone pointed out that I should NOT have read, that I had the capability of just deleting, therefore protecting myself from the harm it could...and did do. It set me back, though not nearly as bad as if he showed up would. It feels wrong, so so wrong, to block them out, but its so so necessary. I am under the impression that mine is gone for good and won't be popping back up in my life, which brings a form of relief, and a bigger sense of heart tearing despair. No Contact, No Response, love yourself enough to protect yourself any way you can while you are so completely fragile.

Hi Blake,

I hope this isn't off topic, but what I see in your lists is a lot of hope. There is some nice woman out there, and eventually, when you are ready, you will be able to build a list of Pros with her.

There will be happy times at restaurants, calm walks, whatever. But there will be positive experiences you build together, and not a list of Cons that are horrifying.

I know that all you can see right now is what could have been, and what you've lost. But I'm betting that when you heal there are wonderful things in store for you.

Absolutely agree.... it should be two part. Reading/listening to what they have to say is just as damaging (in my book) as contacting them. If I didn't read his text, I wouldn't have gone into panic mode over the "I can't live without you, I WON'T live without you" followed by the baby I love yous and the pleading desperation. It was all for him, not me. He wants what he wants and wants it more now because he thinks it's being taken away. If I gave it back, he'd throw me away again. I know this. I don't want to believe it, but it's true and I need to face it.

I have a feeling I'll be experiencing the heart tearing despair very soon (not that I haven't been feeling it already), but I truly believe that as soon as he realizes his tactics aren't working, he'll be gone and off to a new victim. This is part of the reason why I've always gone back. I hate what I go through with him, but God, the thought of him being completely gone from my life hurts. I guess we need to figure out why that is considering they've caused us a lot more pain than good. Still, until I figure it out, it kind of feels like someone is tearing off a limb. Like he's a part of my body and soul and for him to be completely gone, it sort of feels like tearing away a part of my body.

This has been the most awful roller coaster ride of emotions I've ever been on. Maybe this was the lesson I needed. I will NEVER get involved with anyone with addiction issues ever again in my life. The pain is just beyond comprehension - the pain of being together and the pain of tearing yourself away from the pain of being together.

Just a whole lot of pain.... enough for a lifetime in my book.

Okay Blake, "I'm seeking help",does not equate, I'm getting help,I'm in a recovery program to deal with my issues which are blah,blah,blah and I realize that I owe you an amends for blah,blah,blah.

Until she actively is getting help all of these words are just words and manipulation.

JMHO

I made a list like this just recently myself.

It's amazing to me that all these "won't miss" items would all be gone in one felt swoop if my xabf would just stop drinking.

Then, he'd be the perfect person for me.

That's the part that sucks. A substance is changing the potential of who someone could really be...and I think we see that in them...and we have hope and faith and more hope that they will realize it and do what they need to in order to get better.

But, they don't.

And, we are stuck with a list of all these unacceptable behaviors that we've put up with for so long. And, they don't balance out against the good stuff.

I imagine this as putting the list of all the good things on one side of a scale and a big bottle of booze on the other side. I could add more good stuff to the other side, but it won't matter. That bottle of booze is as heavy as it can be...nothing's going to make the good stuff outweigh it. It's a heck of a visual for me.

So sorry you're going through this, but glad to see you're making some progress sorting it out. :)

This seemed like a timely 'stickie' topic to share - potential

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...potential.html

Thank you for everything Ofelie. It has been a tough few days. Your thoughts on no contact really got through to me, and I wanted to thank you.

Yes, it is a weird simultaneous relief and heart tearing despair. That's exactly what it is. I showed my therapist the letter today. I told her it feels so dishonorable not to respond. Here is a person in pain saying she doesn't understand why I left, that she lost her best friend, and that now she's getting help. it's not that I have tons of hope for that, or I want to make another go of it. There's just no closure. My therapist asked me after reading the letter, "do you believe in exceptions?" I said yes of course. "Then this is an exception, this is extraordinary." She said she has a feeling nothing would ever be enough, no matter how I responded. When I was trying to navigate leaving that is also what was said on this forum. Honestly I'm eating for once and I no longer carry a packed bag in the trunk of my car in case the night turns ugly and I have to drive off into night, then the texts 'please come back', and I'd give in, turn around on the highway...yet we never really resolved anything. And the texts the next day 'i'm sorry for how i treated you. i'll get better'.

I guess one thing to notice is how this single missive, this single handwritten page, did to me. It destroyed me all over again. It was designed to make me feel terrible and to feel for her, because of course I do. I'm still working on feeling for myself.