Are you kidding me?
 

I continue to be amazed at the power of this disease- extracting all rationale thought and logic out of its victims. My wife just left detox #6, rebuffing any notion of inpatient rehab or IOP (yes, major red flags). However, she was put on anti-craving medication this time, so I had some glimmer of hope. Well, not 24 hrs later, she restocked her hidden bottle stash, and has been quickly consuming.

Heartbreak, just continual heartbreak. I know that she's not "ready to quit" , and others have commented as such. But I truly wonder, what does that mean? Surely she's physically sober (as of the detox), and medication, going to AA (last night), and knows the physical and emotional toll its taking on her and the family. Yet, she still cannot help going to buy that next bottle? What the ****???? What is the trigger here? She has always been so incredibly strong of mind, that I just don't understand why she won't acknowledge her craving, and do SOMETHING... ANYTHING to fight it. In fact, i noticed the ATM cash withdrawal (her typical low dollar amount that's used solely for booze purchases) within hours of being home from detox- so she was already 'planning' it stepping in the door.

This time, I did not argue about going to rehab, or doing anything else. I am finally at peace with not trying to control her or make her get 'better'. But, it just reinforces the sadness that I am probably going to be forced to end this marriage, because I will not continue to live like this. And, somehow, she seems oblivious to this coming end point.

Peace all.

I'm so sorry. Praying for you.

Woodman, you must be disappointed to your soul. I am sorry.

Can you not limit her ability to access funds? At least put up some boundaries such as if you buy or consume booze, I'm gone. Is that not doable?

Well, not unless I confiscate all credit cards, bank card, checkbook, etc. Even then, it wouldnt stop her from finding extra change, taking from kids piggy banks, etc. Alcoholics can be pretty resourceful in getting what they want. the part about 'being gone' is already in the works. want to have my ducks lined up before pulling that card.

detox is what? 3, 4 days? just enough time to dry and start feeling "good" again...so why not drink? detox isn't a cure. rehab isn't a cure. she cannot or will not quit and stay quit. with all those detoxes under her belt, and the recommendations of rehab, meetings, support groups she KNOWS exactly what she needs to do. she just ain't doing it.

you'll never understand. you can only ACCEPT and then act from there.

I know the feeling Woodman that it just never ends. My XAH drank each time as soon as he got out of rehab. It was so sad.

My prayers are with you. Take care of yourself.

Yes they DO find whatever money is in the house. Just two months ago, my dh had some birthday money in her room, not much, just under $10 and she came home from school and flipped out because it was gone. AH was passed out on the couch. Hmm, guess I know what happen to her money..... I had taken all of his CC at the point and all of his money to "help" him with his cravings.

Today he is out of the house with his CC and drinking away. I won't try to control his drinking, I'm just trying to control my household. He can do whatever he wants, just not here.

Right you are Anvilhead! Just that, much like many of us here, 'accepting' is difficult after ~21 years of good, and now 4 years of bad.

I'm so sorry Woodman, that just sucks.

I wish I had some wise words or something to offer for comfort

You said it yourself, she is not ready, maybe she never will be.

The reality of alcoholism is a very dark hole. I hope you can manage to keep yourself out of it.

Sending love Katie

I'm so sorry W-Man, you must be just so disappointed. I hope you are able to take some time for yourself to detach from this for a while & think about how you want to proceed. It has got to be disheartening for it to be such a fast relapse after SIX detox attempts. (((HUGS)))

I'm so sorry you are going through this. My husband went to detox then refused rehab and relapsed very quickly too.

The best thing I did was separate from him at that point. I was convinced we would divorce and was using the separation to get things on my end in order. Having peace is priceless. He continued to stop and start with drinking but I was able to stay out of it. We are both in a better place now. I'm not sure how our story will go but I do know in our case separation was needed for both of us.

Good luck. It sounds like you are fully aware that you have no control over her drinking. Take care of yourself.

This is such helpful ES&H, Catherine. Thank you. And I hope you can take it to heart, Woodman. You have suffered enough with a "front row seat".

I agree that with distance comes peace, and everyone can sort out their own stuff. I forget, are there children involved?

So sorry for your anguish and disappointment. Wishing you strength.

So sorry Woodman. Englishgarden started a thread titled "the selfish brain". I cannot tell you just how much this post helped me in a very similar situation that you are in. My thoughts and prayers are with you as are many others.

I am so sorry. I really think detox (unless someone is on the brink of death) is sort of a waste if they refuse treatment. Just my thought.

How many roller coaster rides are you willing to take?

We are here with you.

it may be time to take her for a good long talk with a Pastor or Priest ??

Bill W of AA
was called into his doctors office and told to bring his wife this time
the doctor straight out told Bills wife
to buy a pine box so as to be ready for his death
this rocked Bill in a way that he had not been rocked before

what I'm saying
sounds like it's time for a yet bigger wake up call

you and her are in a battle -- step up and fight

get serious -- you love her -- nothing wrong with that

Mountainman

Well I suppose Mrs. Bill W already had to pay for the rest of Bill W's bills.

But since in this realm, it is often better to let the dead bury the dead, so she should have likely told Bill to buy his own?

With do-overs Mrs. Hammer (and our family) would have likely to have paid for her own Rehab, and Therapy, too.

I actually disagree with the notion that you are in a battle together with your wife. Addiction is HER battle, not yours. You choose to engage it, but her addiction is really not your problem to fix or be involved in. Perhaps, using that energy to help yourself feel better will yield a better result.

I am so distraught that my only apparent option is to leave... Sure, I know I can stay in the marriage, that is, if I am able to detach and carry on with my life. But, I am not wired that way. My whole sense of well being in a committed relationship is that there is... commitment, trust, honesty, reliability- from both sides. And, that's simply not the case now. So, again, the ONLY option I seem to have is to leave. And sadly, that seems like the only way to show her I am serious and give her the "keys" to her own life- however she chooses to drive it. But, the closer I seem to get to this reality, the more upset I get about the loss- never wanted to fail as a husband- this truly WAS the woman I wanted by my side late in life... never wanted to fail my kids in keeping a family together. This disease has already taken so much... sorry for the self-pity party. Thanks for all the wisdom shared by you all.

Woodman, you haven't failed your kids. I've had the same worry--failing them. What I've slowly figured out is that I fail them when I do nothing. I fail them when I teach them that it's ok for a parent/spouse to behave/be that way. I fail them when I don't show them how to take care of self when faced with living with an addict. I fail them when I don't learn how to deal in a healthy way. I fail when I don't open the door of communication with my children & I fail when I don't protect them. You have not failed or failed your children.

I'm so sorry you're in pain. I know it's so hard. I'm having to think if doing the same thing. This, all of it, was not in my life plan with my spouse either. Sending you big hugs.