Are you kidding me?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 129
Are you kidding me?
I continue to be amazed at the power of this disease- extracting all rationale thought and logic out of its victims. My wife just left detox #6, rebuffing any notion of inpatient rehab or IOP (yes, major red flags). However, she was put on anti-craving medication this time, so I had some glimmer of hope. Well, not 24 hrs later, she restocked her hidden bottle stash, and has been quickly consuming.
Heartbreak, just continual heartbreak. I know that she's not "ready to quit" , and others have commented as such. But I truly wonder, what does that mean? Surely she's physically sober (as of the detox), and medication, going to AA (last night), and knows the physical and emotional toll its taking on her and the family. Yet, she still cannot help going to buy that next bottle? What the ****???? What is the trigger here? She has always been so incredibly strong of mind, that I just don't understand why she won't acknowledge her craving, and do SOMETHING... ANYTHING to fight it. In fact, i noticed the ATM cash withdrawal (her typical low dollar amount that's used solely for booze purchases) within hours of being home from detox- so she was already 'planning' it stepping in the door.
This time, I did not argue about going to rehab, or doing anything else. I am finally at peace with not trying to control her or make her get 'better'. But, it just reinforces the sadness that I am probably going to be forced to end this marriage, because I will not continue to live like this. And, somehow, she seems oblivious to this coming end point.
Peace all.
Heartbreak, just continual heartbreak. I know that she's not "ready to quit" , and others have commented as such. But I truly wonder, what does that mean? Surely she's physically sober (as of the detox), and medication, going to AA (last night), and knows the physical and emotional toll its taking on her and the family. Yet, she still cannot help going to buy that next bottle? What the ****???? What is the trigger here? She has always been so incredibly strong of mind, that I just don't understand why she won't acknowledge her craving, and do SOMETHING... ANYTHING to fight it. In fact, i noticed the ATM cash withdrawal (her typical low dollar amount that's used solely for booze purchases) within hours of being home from detox- so she was already 'planning' it stepping in the door.
This time, I did not argue about going to rehab, or doing anything else. I am finally at peace with not trying to control her or make her get 'better'. But, it just reinforces the sadness that I am probably going to be forced to end this marriage, because I will not continue to live like this. And, somehow, she seems oblivious to this coming end point.
Peace all.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 129
Well, not unless I confiscate all credit cards, bank card, checkbook, etc. Even then, it wouldnt stop her from finding extra change, taking from kids piggy banks, etc. Alcoholics can be pretty resourceful in getting what they want. the part about 'being gone' is already in the works. want to have my ducks lined up before pulling that card.
detox is what? 3, 4 days? just enough time to dry and start feeling "good" again...so why not drink? detox isn't a cure. rehab isn't a cure. she cannot or will not quit and stay quit. with all those detoxes under her belt, and the recommendations of rehab, meetings, support groups she KNOWS exactly what she needs to do. she just ain't doing it.
you'll never understand. you can only ACCEPT and then act from there.
you'll never understand. you can only ACCEPT and then act from there.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 92
Well, not unless I confiscate all credit cards, bank card, checkbook, etc. Even then, it wouldnt stop her from finding extra change, taking from kids piggy banks, etc. Alcoholics can be pretty resourceful in getting what they want. the part about 'being gone' is already in the works. want to have my ducks lined up before pulling that card.
Today he is out of the house with his CC and drinking away. I won't try to control his drinking, I'm just trying to control my household. He can do whatever he wants, just not here.
I'm so sorry Woodman, that just sucks.
I wish I had some wise words or something to offer for comfort
You said it yourself, she is not ready, maybe she never will be.
The reality of alcoholism is a very dark hole. I hope you can manage to keep yourself out of it.
Sending love Katie
I wish I had some wise words or something to offer for comfort
You said it yourself, she is not ready, maybe she never will be.
The reality of alcoholism is a very dark hole. I hope you can manage to keep yourself out of it.
Sending love Katie
I'm so sorry W-Man, you must be just so disappointed. I hope you are able to take some time for yourself to detach from this for a while & think about how you want to proceed. It has got to be disheartening for it to be such a fast relapse after SIX detox attempts. (((HUGS)))
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 339
I'm so sorry you are going through this. My husband went to detox then refused rehab and relapsed very quickly too.
The best thing I did was separate from him at that point. I was convinced we would divorce and was using the separation to get things on my end in order. Having peace is priceless. He continued to stop and start with drinking but I was able to stay out of it. We are both in a better place now. I'm not sure how our story will go but I do know in our case separation was needed for both of us.
Good luck. It sounds like you are fully aware that you have no control over her drinking. Take care of yourself.
The best thing I did was separate from him at that point. I was convinced we would divorce and was using the separation to get things on my end in order. Having peace is priceless. He continued to stop and start with drinking but I was able to stay out of it. We are both in a better place now. I'm not sure how our story will go but I do know in our case separation was needed for both of us.
Good luck. It sounds like you are fully aware that you have no control over her drinking. Take care of yourself.
The best thing I did was separate from him at that point. I was convinced we would divorce and was using the separation to get things on my end in order. Having peace is priceless. He continued to stop and start with drinking but I was able to stay out of it. We are both in a better place now. I'm not sure how our story will go but I do know in our case separation was needed for both of us.
I agree that with distance comes peace, and everyone can sort out their own stuff. I forget, are there children involved?
So sorry for your anguish and disappointment. Wishing you strength.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Southern USA
Posts: 93
So sorry Woodman. Englishgarden started a thread titled "the selfish brain". I cannot tell you just how much this post helped me in a very similar situation that you are in. My thoughts and prayers are with you as are many others.
I am so sorry. I really think detox (unless someone is on the brink of death) is sort of a waste if they refuse treatment. Just my thought.
How many roller coaster rides are you willing to take?
We are here with you.
How many roller coaster rides are you willing to take?
We are here with you.
Heartbreak, just continual heartbreak. I know that she's not "ready to quit" , and others have commented as such. But I truly wonder, what does that mean? Surely she's physically sober (as of the detox), and medication, going to AA (last night), and knows the physical and emotional toll its taking on her and the family.
Bill W of AA
was called into his doctors office and told to bring his wife this time
the doctor straight out told Bills wife
to buy a pine box so as to be ready for his death
this rocked Bill in a way that he had not been rocked before
what I'm saying
sounds like it's time for a yet bigger wake up call
you and her are in a battle -- step up and fight
get serious -- you love her -- nothing wrong with that
Mountainman
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
it may be time to take her for a good long talk with a Pastor or Priest ??
Bill W of AA
was called into his doctors office and told to bring his wife this time
the doctor straight out told Bills wife
to buy a pine box so as to be ready for his death
this rocked Bill in a way that he had not been rocked before
what I'm saying
sounds like it's time for a yet bigger wake up call
you and her are in a battle -- step up and fight
get serious -- you love her -- nothing wrong with that
Mountainman
Bill W of AA
was called into his doctors office and told to bring his wife this time
the doctor straight out told Bills wife
to buy a pine box so as to be ready for his death
this rocked Bill in a way that he had not been rocked before
what I'm saying
sounds like it's time for a yet bigger wake up call
you and her are in a battle -- step up and fight
get serious -- you love her -- nothing wrong with that
Mountainman
But since in this realm, it is often better to let the dead bury the dead, so she should have likely told Bill to buy his own?
With do-overs Mrs. Hammer (and our family) would have likely to have paid for her own Rehab, and Therapy, too.
it may be time to take her for a good long talk with a Pastor or Priest ??
Bill W of AA
was called into his doctors office and told to bring his wife this time
the doctor straight out told Bills wife
to buy a pine box so as to be ready for his death
this rocked Bill in a way that he had not been rocked before
what I'm saying
sounds like it's time for a yet bigger wake up call
you and her are in a battle -- step up and fight
get serious -- you love her -- nothing wrong with that
Mountainman
Bill W of AA
was called into his doctors office and told to bring his wife this time
the doctor straight out told Bills wife
to buy a pine box so as to be ready for his death
this rocked Bill in a way that he had not been rocked before
what I'm saying
sounds like it's time for a yet bigger wake up call
you and her are in a battle -- step up and fight
get serious -- you love her -- nothing wrong with that
Mountainman
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 129
I am so distraught that my only apparent option is to leave... Sure, I know I can stay in the marriage, that is, if I am able to detach and carry on with my life. But, I am not wired that way. My whole sense of well being in a committed relationship is that there is... commitment, trust, honesty, reliability- from both sides. And, that's simply not the case now. So, again, the ONLY option I seem to have is to leave. And sadly, that seems like the only way to show her I am serious and give her the "keys" to her own life- however she chooses to drive it. But, the closer I seem to get to this reality, the more upset I get about the loss- never wanted to fail as a husband- this truly WAS the woman I wanted by my side late in life... never wanted to fail my kids in keeping a family together. This disease has already taken so much... sorry for the self-pity party. Thanks for all the wisdom shared by you all.
I am so distraught that my only apparent option is to leave... Sure, I know I can stay in the marriage, that is, if I am able to detach and carry on with my life. But, I am not wired that way. My whole sense of well being in a committed relationship is that there is... commitment, trust, honesty, reliability- from both sides. And, that's simply not the case now. So, again, the ONLY option I seem to have is to leave. And sadly, that seems like the only way to show her I am serious and give her the "keys" to her own life- however she chooses to drive it. But, the closer I seem to get to this reality, the more upset I get about the loss- never wanted to fail as a husband- this truly WAS the woman I wanted by my side late in life... never wanted to fail my kids in keeping a family together. This disease has already taken so much... sorry for the self-pity party. Thanks for all the wisdom shared by you all.
I'm so sorry you're in pain. I know it's so hard. I'm having to think if doing the same thing. This, all of it, was not in my life plan with my spouse either. Sending you big hugs.
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