Yeah, I don't know what I would've done without my sister. I'm not certain I'd still be around, to be truthful. AXH had me that beat down and depressed. The last time I left him, the idea that I HAD to leave was made when I realized I'd been sitting on the edge of the tub for god-knows-how-long contemplating the best way to commit suicide. It took quite a while from that point to get to where I could leave him on a financial front. I had to save enough for an apartment for DS (dear son) and I, utilities and deposits for those, and believe it or not, enough to pay some of AXH's bills after I'd left. (I realize now that last was not necessary.) And the first few months of continued contact with him after I filed for the divorce got me close to suicide again. That's when I turned emails over to my sister. So no, it wasn't easy. Not at all.

The thing to keep in mind about the common law husband, and any other of her enablers, is that just like you can't control her, you can't control what they do, either. They'll keep on buying for her, they'll keep on taking her back until they decide not to. You can't change their behavior. AXH's sister continues to 'help' him out, or least she was last I heard, but it's been a while. His dad let him move back in when his GF kicked him out and got a restraining order against him. So, yeah, I can't stop them from helping.

And your friend.... there are just some things that people who haven't had to deal with directly just don't understand. Dealing with an addict is one of them, I think. If you truly believe no contact is what you need to get to an emotionally stronger place, but you also feel you have to listen to his advice, smile, nod where appropriate, and maybe tell him 'That'd be one way to go about it.' and promptly forget anything he says that remotely sounds like taking her back, bailing her out financially, or otherwise doing something requiring contact with her.

Do I think AXH could fight for custody of DS? No, I don't think so. But that's because he's abusive as well as an alcoholic / addict. (BTW, those are two entirely separate issues. Similarly, if your AGF stopped using drugs, it doesnt mean she'd suddenly be model relationship material and ready to stop seeking the attention of BFs, old or new.) Part of the requirement the court put on him was to seek counseling for his abuse. He doesn't see that his treatment of me was wrong, so he will never do that part. For whatever reason, he doesn't know how to be a partner in a relationship; it's all about control for him. And making himself feel better about himself at his partner's expense. Though I'm not sure how he sees it. That's just how it feels from this side of the relationship.

Do I think that if he stopped drinking/using he could be an involved and supportive dad to DS? I think, as he is right now, minus the drinking, he'd not be able to parent DS unless DS was compliant all the time. Again, its back to his abuse: AXH was proud of saying he'd never hit a 'lady' (in his definition: a woman who behaved as he thought she should). Well, DS is not a girl, so I'm afraid the restraint wouldn't hold him back from physically 'correcting' a boy.

I can also tell you that had AXH pursued his tactic of trying to prove I was an unfit parent, I'd have been jumping through each and every one of the hoops the court may have set. There is nothing they could have ordered me to do that I wouldn't have done. Weekly drug testing? Done. I'll prove to you I don't use. Parenting classes? Front and center of the class. I'll show that I want to learn what I need to be a good parent. Supervised visits for x long? As long as I can see him! AXH is not willing to do any of that.

And no contact gets easier. But that doesn't mean it's always easy.

Hi uncertainty. Thanks. Sounds like you've been thru the mill.

Just a couple observations for my scene, I'll paste your quotes then write:
1- "The thing to keep in mind about the common law husband, and any other of her enablers, is that just like you can't control her, you can't control what they do, either"

This is absolutely spot on, and IF there's part of me, that lingers for the pre-feb times when we were having at least alot of fun, or im fearful someone else, will have the heavy does of attention I got for a good while,,,(even though it would be broken by episodes) IF there's part of me that worrys "someone else will have her". ITS HIGHLY UNLIKELY.
ITS EXTREMELY likely she will do to them the EXACT SAME THING (like your husband did to his gf that has a restraining order) and yes they can't control her too absolutely.
SHE DOESNT discriminate>>>>she burns all her men the same way. It's gotta be sex appeal, or what my therapist says is the seductive skills of the addict (emotional and physical). SHE BURNS them all, YET they keep coming back>>>>later as phone buddies.

One of her routines is well, she basically other than working sometimes, does nothing, except her kid..SO she's quite happy having phone buddies, like i was, its why it didnt matter im back home SINCE JUNE, and the same level of intensity remains, intensity to argue, or to attempt to plan the next hang of her coming here SINCE i REFUSE TO GO BACK THERE.
Allegedly, the therapy I got her into which led to her dealing with traumas, turned off her sex engine, I believe it, i was there in april may and part june. So ALL ya go left is MIND and head trips for HER and HER replacements>>>of me.

2- promptly forget anything he says that remotely sounds like taking her back, bailing her out financially, or otherwise doing something requiring contact with her.

Good point, yes he still though LESS since i asked him to back off, but he still does try to implant wishful thinking on me, like "well ya never know if she gets recovery, it can all change, bla bla bla".... LUCKY ME, her HUB makes a good $$$$ she's never had to ask me for money, SHE SENDS (and controls) her FLA guy money or did for a while.
I'd bet, she found a way to control her buddies/slops AXBF in san diego, too, like sending them money.
35 year ago, BF's, dont just invite 35 year ago XGFs to visit them with their wife and kids.
DOES anybody know anybody WHO VISITS EX's from 35 yrs ago? I THINK ITS INSANE.

3- Yea, what you said makes sense, I think HER HUB, figured out how to control her, keep her home taking care of the kid, because he can easily run circles around her in court with her history. She stopped using drugs 5 yrs ago, and just drinks at night, SO INSTEAD of a woman hiding in her room, smoking crack and using heroin, HE now had a straight woman (who's paranoid), home. So it was easy to spook her i guess.

I dont know if I made it clear here, I did in some PM's, but the No contact was making me nuts by Sunday night, so i unblocked it. Hopefully with the therapist, and the switch up in meetings, including Naranon, I can get to an "emotional place", where i do not WANT contact.

Forcing myself to do it, and making myself all confuses, is manipulating myself and not healthy for me. Its healthier for me, if i can "CHOOSE" to not call, and CHOOSE to ignor her WITH GOOD SUPPORT.
IT is possible, i did it years ago, with a non addict GF, I just got to a point where I lost the need to call her back, or engage her or beg her back.

One thing Im stuck on as i've shared here is waiting for an apology from AGF, ITS NOT GONNA HAPPEN, AND HIGHLY UNLIKELY TO HAPPEN.
My therapist made a point addicts are "arrogan". I never thought of that but found a great article about that last night on the web.

Dangers of Arrogance in Recovery

thanks for sharing and listening,

Ps. I was pointing out to him, how she is "NICE", speaks nice, all the time, YET passive agressive, .....he said a person can be nice but arrogant. never thought of that.

AXH can be oh-so-charming. All-American Good Ole Boy, self-deprecating, humble. 'Shucks, sweetheart. What can I do to help?' The other side of that same coin, though, is controlling, passive-aggressive, strong sense of entitlement... Its the same guy, there's no getting the one without getting the other. But, I get the 'people see her as a nice girl.' People say similar about AXH as well.

If going no contact all at once is a daunting task, and it was for me, just take a a day at a time, an hour at a time, a minute at a time. Don't face it as a "I will not contact her EVER again." All you need to go is get through *this* particular instance of wanting to contact her or respond to her.

What helped me get through those times where I really wanted to respond or wanted to contact him was a list I made up of all the cr-ppy things he'd done. By the time I'd get through reading part of the list, I didn't want to hear his name, much less his voice. Or, I'd make myself wait 5 minutes before I'd pick up the phone or turn on the computer and distract myself with a chore.

All you're doing is concentrating on HER! What she's doing, what she did, what her husband and cousin did and said, where she went on her trips and what she did on them etc.

What about YOU? How much longer do you want to live in this torment and give her so much space in your head? She sounds like the consummate user, vain, manipulative and self absorbed.

Run for the hills.

No Contact Rule, that is the bottom line...you are lucky to get out w your sanity intact.

have you considered that she's borderline PD, with addictions? I had one of those...i could never figure out what was going on, crazymaking up down sideways, i didn't know which way was up and weirdly, his breakups were sudden and unexpected after really great times, awesome talks, and punctuated by the holidays.....he pulled every heart string i have. there is co-morbidity correlation with substance abuse and PD's.

there's some good blogs on this.

what i learned from it, a lot!!! don't ever give your power away, ever. you won't like it.

i also learned that all the back and forth w so much emotional damage was done, that i could never have lived with that relationship...all the trust was shot. there was no going backward, there was only healing for me to do, and to quit re-injuring myself by going over history.

You can do this! NO CONTACT!

my favorite blog on borderline PD is:

gettinbetter.com

exactly as typed...if you read some of her articles, you will feel incredibly validated and congratulated on having escaped from her.