A ring is on the way. What to do?
 

I have been with Recovering Alcoholic for 1 1/2 years and he is about to propose marriage. I'm wanted to get married but always have nagging feelings. He hasn't had a drink in a two and 1/2 years. He has made many changes/ improvements in his life. Has done a year long rehab program and has held a steady job for 1 1/2. I entered his life as a friend when he was still drinking and offered and ended up driving him to rehab. After the year of rehab was almost up we started dating. My issues are with his temper and victim mentality. It's always someone else's fault or he gets anger and says mean things or blames me. I grew up in a sheltered environment- type b men- calm and quiet. No swearing, yelling. I have told him that I won't stand for this and tried to end the relationship when he started this last again last week but he apologized and we quickly reconciled. He rarely spends time with his family or my family and whines and complains when he has to. Selfish behavior, which usually some how comes back to being my fault. Also I have payed for most everything since the moment we met. I have been blunt with him about how bad he is with money and told him debts need to be payed off before buying stuff. I have stopped giving him money and will only pay for meals if he always pays for some. I worry about combining our finances. He also gets his dad to pay for things in sneaky ways- hints oh I have no money cuz I'm saving up for her engagement ring. My question is should I marry this man? I just hear and see so many awful relationships and don't want that for myself. He does have a good heart and usually treats me kindly. He thinks he treats me like a queen;) Is this just how some men act?

dmsc- This advice would be the same if he was or wasn't a recovering A.

I have been married for 27 years, if you have any doubts, ANY doubts what-so-ever, please say no. The early months, or years of a marriage is the "honeymoon" phase, if you are having issues at a time when it should be all "rosey", just think what it will be like in 10 years. Granted most happy marriages get better with age, but rocky marriages usually get worse with age.

I am one of those people who believes that if you have even an ounce about doubt- about whether your partner's value system, ethics, or temperament is not compatible with your own, SAY NO. To me, those are in traits where the gap grows wide as the years go on, and ones that rarely change in either person.

Hi

whether or not to marry someone is highly personal and depends on many factors.
how do you view marriage?
what are your expectations?
religion?
children?
money?
love?

these are the items that i pick out from your post:
his temper and victim mentality
it's always someone else's fault
blames you
you tried to end the relationship
selfish behavior
you pay for everything
bad with money
worry about combining finances
gets dad to pay for things

yes, some men do act like that, but not all men act like that.

First - I am glad you posted here.

Nagging feelings have a reason behind them.

DRinking has stopped but no recovery as in anger and blaming others remain core issues that you are uncomfortable with.

Do you like spending time with your family or have strong feelings that family is important?

Do you want someone who you trust to manage money jointly? Or do you feel that it is important to share money and trust your partner to manage money responsiblty?

Does he really treat you like a queen? or is that something he does when we wants something from you or something that is inconsistent?

I ask these questions to encourage and support you in being clear about his behavior, your values vs his values as you obviously have questions about whether he is someone you want him to be.

Read the material here to add up your info with others.

I personally really got what I wanted some of the time from my exah. His behavior and reactions were mercurial. Drinking was a constant and when he stopped, relapses were often. He didn't like other relationships with others. Blamed me often undeservingly. He was selfish much of the time. There is much more to say but I just wanted to point out things you expressed as a starting point to
"think" Too many things dont add up to positive factors that will lead to a long happy relationship called marriage. Take your time to sort things out.

My rule of thumb is, if you have to say, "I love him, but..." or "I want to marry him, but..." then don't do it. There should be no "but," no "only if," no reservations whatsoever. If you don't accept that person, warts and all, you don't need to be marrying them. Someone gave me that advice before my first wedding, and I didn't listen. I walked down the aisle knowing I was going to end up divorced. And I did.

I agree with the above. There were probably a lot of warning signs that I missed during the 7 years that hubby and I were dating and subsequently engaged, but the majority of the time we were pretty damn happy. If you're not blissfully happy now, then this isn't the guy for you. If your relationship is entering this kind of territory then do yourself the favor of having a talk about your long term relationship potential now so you're not caught off guard or pressured because he has a ring in his hand. I never, NEVER for a second envisioned my charming, intelligent, funny and romantic boyfriend turning out to be such a selfish and toxic husband/father.

I agree with the other posters...if this is the best your relationship will ever be (and likely this is the best), are you/will you be happy with it? Personally, I'm reading way too many red flags.

Before you make a decision, I would strongly suggest that you learn about alcoholism. It's great that he is not drinking now, but it sounds like he is a "dry drunk" as he continues to exhibit many of the alcoholic behaviors even though he is no longer drinking. Something that I did not know when I married my RAH is that this disease will always be a part of his life, and in turn, always a part of my life. Learn about the disease, attend AlAnon meetings, read & post here at SR. You will be better off if you know what you are really dealing with.

Well, the only piece of advice I can offer is this. My general rule of thumb is, if I find myself trying to talk myself into marrying someone---it's probably not a good idea for me at that time.

Thank you all for your words of wisdom. I'm not going into marriage with blinders on. I want to anticipate where we have issues and discuss them or worry about them now. I have been to some alanon meetings and have a friend married to an ah who has given insight. The 'dry drunk' behavior I am aware of....is he. I'm not sure. In the lady year his behavior has improved and is way if dealing with people and is temper continues to improve. I knew from the get go this was a changing situation to get into. Is it true that you should have no doubts when marrying someone? Especially an alcoholic? Doesn't that come with the territory?

Is it true that you should have no doubts when marrying someone? Especially an alcoholic? Doesn't that come with the territory?

he hasn't HAD a drink in 2.5 years. you aren't dealing with drunken behaviors, this is him SOBER.

if nothing else, the fact that YOU pay for everything, he can't manage money, he has an enabling father who kicks him cash is a big red flag.....marriage is a legally binding contract - like a business. you would thoroughly vet any partner to make sure that they are sound and are bringing something to the table. he can't even pay for the damn ring.

what's the rush? why now?

I had zero doubts when I married my husband. Hindsight, the ideal partner has no familial baggage and zero issues with self confidence and independence and no addictive qualities. I knew that alcoholism was prominent in AH's family and while I would never wish away my children with him, I do wish I hadn't married him. I think you have somewhat of a crystal ball here in so much that you already know what your BF's tendencies are.

I think it's safe to say that stopping drinking isn't necessarily the end of the issues. If you're unsure of this man, then say, No. Take some more time to think things over and see how the relationship works.

Marriage = a legal contract where ALL of his debts become yours, and 1/2 of your assets become his.

P.S. even under ideal circumstances, marriages and subsequently parenthood take a lot of work. A lot of thoughtful, graceful, constant work and a huge helping of humor. If your relationship isn't 50/50 right now, then I'd say you're better off waking away.

If he stayed like this for the duration of your marriage, could you live exactly like this and be happy for the next thirty years?

You're anticipating improvement in his attitude and behavior, because... Based on what? What is he doing to mitigate his selfishness and bad attitude? How is he working toward improving his finances? Is he consistent and steadfast or are you having to bug him every step of the way?

I always ask what it is about us that sees selfish addicts as ideal partners in the first place. Why is this guy the one? And especially, why is he the one when you can still see him manipulating people (including you) for money and you're the dumping ground for his emotions?

It's good that you are questioning these things now.

If one of your best girlfriends came to you with this list of concerns, what in your objective view of the situation would you advise???

As has been mentioned here already, this is his "sober" self. Should (god forbid) a relapse occur down the road, (which can happen) these things that are of concern to you now in his sobriety can and likely will magnify ten-fold...

I don't think it is time yet for you to commit to all that marriage and family entails until you are much more certain than you are right now...

I wish you the best. It isn't an easy decision to make, but I am glad you are reaching out for answers now!

K

I guess there are two sides to this just as there are two of you thinking about getting married. For me it would boil down to this:

Is he working a strong program (whatever that looks like for him)? Has he been open, transparent, and humble about his past use? Have there been any recent signs of a slip?

Could I leave him alone to work his program his way? Would I constantly be hounding him and pestering him with questions about his recovery? Could I allow myself to relax and be happy knowing that there is always a chance of relapse for any alcoholic or addict?

I do wish you and your possible, soon-to-be fiance much happiness!

dmsc---Anything that is a problem in a relationship before marriage---becomes a GIANT honkin problem after the marriage. You cannot change him.

Lady Diana had misgivings before her marriage---and ignored them because their towels for the palace had already been monogramed. Wow--did she ever make a mistake!!!
And she was marrying a prince--and he isn't even an alcoholic!

It is easy to get married---but, if you read some of the stories, here on the forum---it is He** to get out of it. The most important thing of all---if you have children it turns a bad situation into a Catastrophy for the innocent.

dandylion

I can tell you that I had lots of doubts. Matter of fact, when AXH proposed to me, part of the reason I said yes was that I was afraid of how he would react if I said no.

I said yes. Married him against my doubts. That was the beginning of 20 years of increasing hell, isolation, and abuse.

Your situation could be different.
But if your life really something you want to gamble with?

I will tell my children: if you have even the slightest doubt, don't do it.

I had to reread your post three times,


so he's selfish, quick tempered, mismanages money, you pay for everything, and he is cheap, ...........AND he "thinks" he treats you like a queen.

my two cents.............

A big hell NO !

On the positive side, it sounds like he's really doing well with staying sober. No drinking, a job, and active in the program. You can't argue with those stats.

However, it sounds like perhaps he still hasn't "figured himself out", for lack of a better term. Often times, for people like this, marriage seems like a good idea. If a man still is having problems with his life, he might think that a wife will automatically fill those holes. Sometimes women get married for the exact same reasons (heck, maybe more often). Things not going perfectly in life? Get married, and all of your prayers will be answered!

In my case, when my alcoholism was at its worst and things were taking a downturn....I went and got a ring for my girlfriend! I wasn't happy in life, and thought perhaps this type of commitment would set me straight. Now, luckily I never proposed (I had a little common sense left). I definitely saw marriage as a "life raft" for my situation and I knew that wasn't right.

Alas, it sounds like maybe he's planning on asking you for the wrong reasons. The right time for a man to ask is when he is feeling strong, secure, and interested in adding someone to help him grow. But if he is still struggling, he might be asking you because he feels that putting a ring on your finger might solve some of his problems. If that's the case, you might be best off saying "no".

I was on my phone earlier, but I wanted to come back and post a bit more now that I'm on a computer. You've gotten some great insight here. And as another person said, even without him being an A, I'd say run. Sure, some guys are "just like that." And they're losers. They don't have to be addicts to be crappy guys. And crappy guys make crappy husbands. He isn't going to magically change because you get married. If anything, those cracks in your relationship are going to be magnified.

Also, creditors will start coming after YOU to make good on HIS debts. That's fun, lemme tell ya. I didn't know until I married my ex-husband, that he owed the government $40,000 from a contract bonus he received and then failed to fulfill the contract. I had earmarked our tax refund for other things that needed taking care of, and it all got eaten by his debts. I was LIVID. Then the whole thing started unraveling. He was so in debt and I was on the hook for all of it because I was his wife. Are you ready for that?

Thank you for your thoughts.
When you said he should be asking because he's interested in adding someone to help him grow and he feels strong, secure. I believe that is how he feels.
It's just if I feel the same way

Right now, it sounds like its as good as its going to get with him.

Add all the requirements of good marriage: commitment, sacrifice, communication, honesty, disclosure, patience, consideration, finance, shared goals, children, etc and to someone who is not ready, this all spells PRESSURE.

Do you really think he can fullfill just this sticky note 'to do' list? And this is only a sampling of what will be expected of him by you.

Don't go half baked into your vows of 'till death do us part' with this guy. It cheapens your word for someone that you will find that you can make it happen with.

Why are you even still dating him, let alone thinking about marrying him?!
Get out now while the getting is good I'd say.
But keep coming & reading here ... the fact you're dating him & are thinking about marrying him means you need to be working really hard on you. And this is a great place to do that :)

This. Please read through the list and ask yourself if this is what you want. If it was me, with the experience I have now, I would run. Fast and far away.

I echo others re only say yes if you have NO doubts whatsoever. And I am saying this having now been married twice and having been let down both times. I wish you the absolute best. :)

If it bothers you now, multiply by 10 after a year of marriage.

Hi DMSC. Plenty of red flags in your post, however this one really stood out. This is the #1 thing that us alcoholics are known for. Never our fault and if pointed out to us that it is, we turn it around and make it seem like it is your fault!

We are notorious for finding people that will look after us and do things for us.

Money issues are also a bad sign and what is worse is that now he is blaming it on getting you an engagement ring. See the blame pattern starting here?

As an alcoholic I can tell you that I will always be one drink away from the dark side. Being with me isn't for the faint of heart I like to say! I have many issues I am still dealing with.

Are you prepared for any relapses he might have? Recovery takes pretty well the rest of your life when you are us. We didn't get this way overnight and we certainly don't get better mentally overnight. It isn't something that just goes away and never returns. There is no cure for it and no guarantees.

I would certainly give it lots of time and thought before you make a lifetime commitment with this person. Deep down your gut is telling you something or you wouldn't be posting here.

Find someone who is your equal in life, not someone who may be expecting you to carry the whole load. This is just my honest opinion.

My ex-husband had a temper and a victim mentality, too. Notice he is my ex....

The man I am married to now is nothing like my ex. The difference to me is maturity. My husband is an adult, my ex is a teenager in a man's body.