No Christmas Presents
 

I've decided that I'm not buying anything for AH for Christmas. He's been a jerk of monumental proportions this year. I love Christmas and gift giving but why would I give him a gift?! I love him yes, and I hope he helps himself so that our marriage has a chance. Am I the only grinch?

maybe. but only maybe. I would say an AA Big Book if he does not have one.

are you trying to punish him? what's your motivation?

Has it already. :) If I could figure out how to put a kick in the ass in his stocking, that's what he would get from me.

Motivation is acknowledging that he's a jerk to me. I'm not going to pretend that he's been nice to me and buy him gifts. I don't like the addict version of my husband. If he wants to be sober in 2014 then I'll buy him gifts next year.

The consequence of his behavior is that I don't feel compelled to do something special for him. He doesn't care about making me happy and my love and kindness for him isn't unconditional. I feel like I'm standing up for myself.

so, behavior modification. punishment for misdeeds.

i can't remember your situation, but if you usually give presents and he will be getting you one and you get him nothing, then expect negative feelings/resentments from him and possible negative consequences. i think you guys have a kid together, right? if you are celebrating christmas together with kiddo and not getting him a gift will obviously create a scene, i strongly question you to think about this.

if you are divorcing, splitting up, then i would not get him a gift.

No gift buying from me either. Why spend your energy and time on people that have managed to cause so much pain all year. Last year I felt differently and cant pretend its all good this year.

I was going to buy him gifts, like I normally do, but I'm trying to change my behaviors. Normally, I'd think that if I was nice enough to him things would be okay, or if I act like things are okay maybe he'll act like they're okay too. That doesn't work. Things aren't okay. I think pretending like things are okay is enabling him. I would rather focus my gift giving and thoughtfulness on my kids and family and friends who have been so wonderful to me this year, especially those who were so supportive when I had my baby in July and AH was completely selfish.

I'm not going to lie, punishing a drunk feels good. For awhile.

Ohhh. Okay. I get that one.

Used to be of that mindset, myself. And still slip back towards it.

Maybe for you, a "Let Go and Let God" poster in YOUR stocking?

Here is how I do my would-be ass-kicking, now --

============

Dear God,

Please kick Mrs. Hammer (and Mr. Stung) squarely in the ass towards getting well.

Thank you God.

(ps and maybe Me and Stung, too).

============

He handles His business just fine, and even better when you and I stay out of the way.

Now a little Sing Along?

DROP KICK ME JESUS by BOBBY BARE - YouTube

DROP KICK ME JESUS by BOBBY BARE

mkay. A cover for his AA book?

We (daughter and I) "won" a nice cover at our Big Annual AA/Alanon Party Raffle.

Mrs. Hammer stole it as her own before we got home. :)

Guess that means she like it.

The fancy covers have a double section to hold a 12 and 12 (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions) book, too, along with a "Chip Window" for putting your Sobriety Chip in.

Some sample pix:

http://images.search.*****.com/searc...big+book+cover

ahh yes. revenge and punishment to someone who hurt us can feel good in the short term. long term i am not sure that it helps that much and can sometimes can make matters worse.

i dont think you should get a gift for someone who you don't want to, but your issue really isn't about the gift, right? it is about his crappy behavior? you want him to be nice to you?

not getting a gift for your AH that hurt you will not change his behavior, make him seek sobriety, turn him nice or make him see the light.

if he is expecting something from you, do you think you should talk w him about not exchanging gifts prior to christmas day, so he is not surprised and a potential explosion occurs?

You guys are really making me think I sound bitter rather than fair or self serving in a good way. How about if I only buy him things that would serve to benefit our children AND him rather than just him. IE: annual membership to local aquarium and zoo?

hi stung,

i tried behavior modification incentives/punishments with my ex and they NEVER worked to do anything other than give him another reason to drink and blame me. i learned in alanon and therapy not to do behavior modification because it isn't healthy for you and doesn't work on them. someone who knows more about it can explain why, but that is something i learned the hard way years ago.

that sounds like a great idea to do something that benefits the kids and your family as a whole. very positive approach. you are way ahead of where i was back then.

Do what feels authentic. God knows we lose that when we are enmeshed with an addict. Like you, I got tired of pretending.

I like the idea of a modest family gift. How about a membership to the new Exploratorium, or passes to Fairyland? Something fun to take the little ones to.

I don't believe in giving gifts for the sake of obligation. That being said, if you're doing it from the mindset of withholding a "reward", I don't think that's a good idea.

I didn't get the impression that you were trying to punish him, more that you're just so hurt that giving a gift would feel like a lie because your heart's not behind it. I could be wrong, that's just what I got from your posts.

I wouldn't buy a gift for someone unless I truly wanted to, I hate anything fake.

SoaringSpirits, I tried to take the family to the Exploratorium 2 weeks after I had DD2 and AH somehow got drunk before we left home (I was unaware that he was an alcoholic at this time, I thought he was a bi-polar schizo that was yet undiagnosed because he only drinks in secret) and he ended up jumping out of my car as we were rolling up to a stop light because I am such a "bad person" and he just couldn't "deal" with me anymore. I was shaking when I called my mom because I was worried about how he'd get back home. Stupid me.

I think the exploratorium will be an adventure for the girls and mommy only. SF zoo and Monterey aquarium he can be included in too, but I'd be lying if i said my feelings aren't still hurt about the exploratorium. I just wanted to get out of the house with my family and do something I knew our 2 year old would love and in turn I bawled my eyes out and took care of 2 kids by myself. 2 weeks post c section I wasn't even supposed to be lifting our 2 year old on my own.

Oh geez, what a nightmare. OK, well, forget the Exploratorium. If you haven't taken the kids to Fairyland yet, do, it's a sweet place for the little ones, and small and easy to go on your own.

I know what you mean about trying to plan family outings, and somehow our A's turn it sour. It's happier and easier to just go without them. For years, I almost regarded myself as a single mother because I wound up doing so much without my AH. He would go along and just take the fun out of things.

So maybe a sweater or tie would be in order, and then you can be done with it. ;-) So sorry you have to go through this when you should feel supported and loved as you are raising babies.

I vote for an ugly Christmas sweater. :D

My hubby is getting a red zipper hoody. He looks fabulous in red n I couldn't pass it up.

Hi Stung,bloody hell you have had a rough time! I wasnt going to comment but I just read the part where you said you,d had a c section and you had to cope alone with your children..that is appalling for you! I dont care that he is an alcoholic, that is despicable. ! I really feel for you and no,I wouldnt buy him a present! Oh my god no I wouldnt!! I have terrible problems with alcohol myself and I have done some awful things too..im sorry I dont sound sympathetic toward your AH but I am rarely sympathetic toward myself either..I really hope things improve for you,bless your heart..xx

I like the way you think. ;)

Too Funny I was just going to post this...

So this year I get the idea that for Christmas each person will get 2 presents. That's it. Getting back to the basics of Christmas and it's not about the gifts.

I got an email this morning that one of my son's presents is back ordered and won't be in until January. I then begin to go through the UPS and Fed Ex packages stacked in a corner only to discover that I have Chicago Bear's Flip Flops and apparently some woman in Hawaii has my son's Green Bay Packers Hoodie Sweat Shirt!

So this was totally unintentional and he has been nothing but a GREAT son but he also has no presents!

I'm usually the odd man out when it comes to this stuff. Gift giving is a sore spot for me because of the way I grew up. Anything I was ever gifted had strings attached from my AM. I always felt obligated to get her something and act happy because she's my mother, and well that's what you do at Christmas. Screw that. If you aren't feeling kindly towards him, don't get him anything. Just don't do that with the expectation that it's going to change anything. I got an earful on Mother's Day because I sent my aunt and my grandmother flowers, but AM didn't get any, and apparently she cried and cried. Guess what? Her little show wasn't followed up by any effort to quit drinking or change herself. I never expected that it would. I didn't send her flowers because of how she's treated me my entire life. She wished I'd never been born, called me a wh*re and countless other names during my lifetime, and then cried when she didn't get flowers? I really couldn't care less. I don't believe in obligated gift giving, but I definitely wouldn't let him know he's not getting anything in front of the kids. They don't yet understand the complexities of relationships with addiction, so you have to tread lightly there.

Candy, that's nothing. I have had an entire year filled with experiences just like that while I was either pregnant or adjusting to having two children and an, unbenownest to me, alcoholic husband.

If I wanted to punish him I would post on Facebook that living with an alcoholic is hard and publish the audio recording of him getting physical with me or the many text messages that I have of him admitting that he an alcoholic or the texts where he admitted he was lying or when he told me via text that he hates me because I'm so mean. I'm not punishing him. I just don't want to buy him any gifts. My gift to him is my patience and honoring our wedding vows even though he's stomped on them a hundred times over and has literally taken his wedding band off and thrown it at me in our front yard. My gift is loving him, as I promised to, for better or worse even though the same thing hasn't been given in return for the majority of our marraige. My gift is not treating him with resentment and anger every single time I speak to him because I am able to move past the hellish events he has put me through. In fact, I think I'll buy him a Christmas card and write in it how much I love him abd continue to believe in him and remind him that Christmas isn't about tangible gifts and that the gifts he's from me are priceless.

This seems like the perfect situation for fruitcake!

ok - so everyone according to your past posts, knows about all his bad points. You told all family and his friends and beyond.
You've called him every name in the book on SR. You've showed him yer recording him and thrown that in his face, whilst he's drunk.....which is quite dangerous to do.

btw - my girlfriend used to claim she had a video where "it is PROVED" how I abused her. She screeched it from a psych ward.
Her Mom explain that was what her daughter did....accused people. . Near 4 year later and she is dead.
So all the recording and crap, means nothing.

but back to the actually meaningful thing - NO XMAS gifts????
Bet the kids are gonna wonder about THAT.

Naughty or nice? Do you really play that game when yer all grown up? UNLESS yer divorcing or separating. Then, sure.

Cheers

I didn't realize Christmas gifts were such a big deal to everyone. My husband and I didn't get each other anything last year, and as far as I know there are no plans to this year either. We'd rather focus on the kids, especially since we're adults and buy things for ourselves all year long. Our kids never asked why, they didn't really notice because they were too excited about their own gifts.

Shame on you for judging me.

1st. No. I've told his best friends (3 men and their wives), one of his brothers and his parents. Not everyone and beyond. My mother is the only one on my side of the social world that knows. Not to mention that none of his professional contacts or college friends knows. I, the good wife, am keeping up appearances and standing by my man. Because that's what good little wives are supposed to do, right?

2nd. Messing with a hormonal new mother of 2 is a dangerous thing to do. I don't fear my husband or any other alcoholic. He's just a flawed person, as am I. I run marathons and am in great shape, if I felt the need to physically defend myself I have no doubts that I could. My only concern is my children and I'm with my husband still to insure that they don't have to be alone with their drunk dad every other weekend. All of my electronic files are in my Dropbox account and the audio file has been emailed to our marriage counselor and I CC'd my husband, shared it with my cop friend and my mom. He knows that I take snapshots and save his damning text messages and that I have made audio files of some of the drunk fights he tries to goad me into. I am not a stupid woman and I am not defenseless. I also have nothing to hide. Marriages don't thrive on secrets and lies. Do unto others as you would have then do to you.

3rd. My children are 2 years old and 4 months old. I assume that you don't have children yourself so you wouldn't know that daddy not getting presents doesn't effect anyone besides daddy at those ages. Please, no parenting advice from someone without children.

Lastly. I'm a direct person. My husband has been told explicitly how I feel. He knows that I'm unhappy, and I like to send a consistent message. One day of the year doesn't make him deserving of gifts. There is no game here. My feelings are valid and if they make him feel bad that's his burden to deal with.

When I said this seems like a perfect situation for fruitcake, I wasn't alluding to anyone person, only thinking that it's the perfect gift for alcoholics--booze soaked, nutty, and often unpopular.