Do they return?
 

Does the AB or spouse return? Do they return to the person you met sober and love? Do they return to the unselfish human they once were? Does the rejection and distance and lack of engagement go away? Is that part of becoming sober? Will they like/love you again, the way you love them? Has the return of the sober lover, BFF and companion ever happened for any of you?

I think that if it's going to work again between two people after going through this, the relationship would have to have new standards and definitions.
Trying to have what one used to have before the addiction took over, and comparing the new situation to what it used to be, only dooms the non-A to constant disappointment and resentment.

Extremely well said.

They might they might not. But I decided I didn't want to wait my life away either way. Life is just once and "waiting" for it to get better as time ticked is a recipe for resentment IMHO.

For my XAH when he was in recovery briefly once he did return to his old self for about 7 months. Then he drank and I was resentful. It was shortly after that I had my first awakening of sorts and decided not to wait my life away.

I don't believe they come back, no. I am sorry to say that.

I think it takes alot of them working on them after rehab (at least a year) and you working on you independently. Then if you are still interested to go to therapy, see who you are now and if you still want to pursue a relationship with each other. That goes both ways. It's important to say I am not the same either. I have become suspicious and bitter about alot of things. Unfortunately I don't know if I can get away from that behavior and be with him, it's just too much. Only when I am not around him do I feel as though I am my real self. I do know I cannot live with that bad behavior from myself for the rest of my life, it is not who I want to be. I guess I am soul searching a bit right now.

I thought rehab was going to "cure" my husband. Hahaha. The only one that can cure him is him with the help of God and a support system. This is being said 3.5 years later. He is not the same person he was before, he is not the same person he was during. He is still a binge drinker. I still react.

All people are different. I don't think you truly ever get to know an addict until they are not one anymore, to me that changes their entire personality. They lie, cheat, all sorts of bad behavior that does change them.

I hope you are taking the time to work on you, that is the one person you are in control of.

Blessings. Keep posting, you are not alone!

Thanks, we were so good together until a year ago. so good. I miss my bff, love and partner. I want how we were back before he decided to go down this path. My heart hurts.

I'm sorry you're hurting, IFC. It totally sucks. This is an ugly, mean disease. It ruins so much. If it makes you feel any better, just blame it on the disease. You won't always hurt this bad unless you keep trying to get that same guy back into your life.
My
I miss my sweetheart who was so considerate and supportive and affectionate and fun and smart and funny, etc. He is just a dream now. What gives me hope is that MY life will be just great without him and after I get past this acute phase of my disease, I will be able to attract an even better partner.

((((Hugs))))

Someone related a story here once that might sort of make sense to you in regards to the effect alcohol has long-term. Say people are all cucumbers. Well, alcoholics become pickles due to the alcohol. A pickle can never return to just being a cucumber. Alcohol literally pickles the brain, and the longer it's abused, the worse that effect is going to be. You're never going to get back exactly what went before the addiction.

Sometimes the fantasy over shadows reality.

We often separate them into two different people. The sober ones and the addicts, they are and will always be the same person.

So when we sit and hope for the return of Dr. Jekyll we have to realize he comes along with Mr. Hyde and that will never change.

You need to look at his whole history not just the 1 year that was good. What was his history prior to that one year? How many years did he spend in addiction vs being sober.

History doesn't repeat itself - people repeat history.

I can definitely relate to this. After years of trying to fix marriage I finally realized it was never going to work. He is unlikely ever to go back to the person I fell in love with. And I don't think I can ever be the person I used to be either. I used to be a very forgiving and optimistic person. Now I am full of resentment over what my life has become since his addiction took over. I tried to fix him and in the process lost me. I lost friends who could no longer stand the angry and bitter person I have become. Since we have been separated I am slowly working on bringing back the person I was and want to be but I know I could never trust him again and at this point I don't know if I could ever trust any man. I hate that I am like that now but I don't how to change that.

It sounds like you're in a painful place and I'm sorry about it. Not all alcoholics are alike and it's impossible to predict outcomes. Nobody can. I hope you can stop obsessing about ex and start working on your own issues. Read through this area, there is excellent advice. I strongly recommend Alanon, a program that taught me to take responsibility for my choices, words and actions. I learned to let go of toxic people and to understand I can't have a relationship with someone I don't trust and respect.

It is Day 31 sobriety. He is more rational and more empathetic. Cutting comments have stopped too. I feel better, my stress level is less and I am sleeping a little more too. Only time can tell. thanks all

Yep... that was how someone who doesn't post here anymore described it to me when I first came and I relayed it in the thread with his motorcycle accident. It's a shame I lost her number when I smashed my Droid during one of hub'z drunkin rages.

But anyways... After living through something like alcoholism... it changes everyone including the non alcoholic. My husband made me realize that once he sobered up and I told him, I wish things were the way they used to be and he said, They'll never be that way. We'll never be the same. We can only be better. And he was so right. It all takes time though.