Do they return?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Albuquerque, NM
Posts: 29
Do they return?
Does the AB or spouse return? Do they return to the person you met sober and love? Do they return to the unselfish human they once were? Does the rejection and distance and lack of engagement go away? Is that part of becoming sober? Will they like/love you again, the way you love them? Has the return of the sober lover, BFF and companion ever happened for any of you?
Stoic
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Wash D.C.
Posts: 321
I think that if it's going to work again between two people after going through this, the relationship would have to have new standards and definitions.
Trying to have what one used to have before the addiction took over, and comparing the new situation to what it used to be, only dooms the non-A to constant disappointment and resentment.
Trying to have what one used to have before the addiction took over, and comparing the new situation to what it used to be, only dooms the non-A to constant disappointment and resentment.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 431
They might they might not. But I decided I didn't want to wait my life away either way. Life is just once and "waiting" for it to get better as time ticked is a recipe for resentment IMHO.
For my XAH when he was in recovery briefly once he did return to his old self for about 7 months. Then he drank and I was resentful. It was shortly after that I had my first awakening of sorts and decided not to wait my life away.
For my XAH when he was in recovery briefly once he did return to his old self for about 7 months. Then he drank and I was resentful. It was shortly after that I had my first awakening of sorts and decided not to wait my life away.
I don't believe they come back, no. I am sorry to say that.
I think it takes alot of them working on them after rehab (at least a year) and you working on you independently. Then if you are still interested to go to therapy, see who you are now and if you still want to pursue a relationship with each other. That goes both ways. It's important to say I am not the same either. I have become suspicious and bitter about alot of things. Unfortunately I don't know if I can get away from that behavior and be with him, it's just too much. Only when I am not around him do I feel as though I am my real self. I do know I cannot live with that bad behavior from myself for the rest of my life, it is not who I want to be. I guess I am soul searching a bit right now.
I thought rehab was going to "cure" my husband. Hahaha. The only one that can cure him is him with the help of God and a support system. This is being said 3.5 years later. He is not the same person he was before, he is not the same person he was during. He is still a binge drinker. I still react.
All people are different. I don't think you truly ever get to know an addict until they are not one anymore, to me that changes their entire personality. They lie, cheat, all sorts of bad behavior that does change them.
I hope you are taking the time to work on you, that is the one person you are in control of.
Blessings. Keep posting, you are not alone!
I think it takes alot of them working on them after rehab (at least a year) and you working on you independently. Then if you are still interested to go to therapy, see who you are now and if you still want to pursue a relationship with each other. That goes both ways. It's important to say I am not the same either. I have become suspicious and bitter about alot of things. Unfortunately I don't know if I can get away from that behavior and be with him, it's just too much. Only when I am not around him do I feel as though I am my real self. I do know I cannot live with that bad behavior from myself for the rest of my life, it is not who I want to be. I guess I am soul searching a bit right now.
I thought rehab was going to "cure" my husband. Hahaha. The only one that can cure him is him with the help of God and a support system. This is being said 3.5 years later. He is not the same person he was before, he is not the same person he was during. He is still a binge drinker. I still react.
All people are different. I don't think you truly ever get to know an addict until they are not one anymore, to me that changes their entire personality. They lie, cheat, all sorts of bad behavior that does change them.
I hope you are taking the time to work on you, that is the one person you are in control of.
Blessings. Keep posting, you are not alone!
I'm sorry you're hurting, IFC. It totally sucks. This is an ugly, mean disease. It ruins so much. If it makes you feel any better, just blame it on the disease. You won't always hurt this bad unless you keep trying to get that same guy back into your life.
My
I miss my sweetheart who was so considerate and supportive and affectionate and fun and smart and funny, etc. He is just a dream now. What gives me hope is that MY life will be just great without him and after I get past this acute phase of my disease, I will be able to attract an even better partner.
((((Hugs))))
My
I miss my sweetheart who was so considerate and supportive and affectionate and fun and smart and funny, etc. He is just a dream now. What gives me hope is that MY life will be just great without him and after I get past this acute phase of my disease, I will be able to attract an even better partner.
((((Hugs))))
Someone related a story here once that might sort of make sense to you in regards to the effect alcohol has long-term. Say people are all cucumbers. Well, alcoholics become pickles due to the alcohol. A pickle can never return to just being a cucumber. Alcohol literally pickles the brain, and the longer it's abused, the worse that effect is going to be. You're never going to get back exactly what went before the addiction.
Sometimes the fantasy over shadows reality.
We often separate them into two different people. The sober ones and the addicts, they are and will always be the same person.
So when we sit and hope for the return of Dr. Jekyll we have to realize he comes along with Mr. Hyde and that will never change.
You need to look at his whole history not just the 1 year that was good. What was his history prior to that one year? How many years did he spend in addiction vs being sober.
History doesn't repeat itself - people repeat history.
We often separate them into two different people. The sober ones and the addicts, they are and will always be the same person.
So when we sit and hope for the return of Dr. Jekyll we have to realize he comes along with Mr. Hyde and that will never change.
You need to look at his whole history not just the 1 year that was good. What was his history prior to that one year? How many years did he spend in addiction vs being sober.
History doesn't repeat itself - people repeat history.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 42
It's important to say I am not the same either. I have become suspicious and bitter about alot of things. Unfortunately I don't know if I can get away from that behavior and be with him, it's just too much. Only when I am not around him do I feel as though I am my real self. I do know I cannot live with that bad behavior from myself for the rest of my life, it is not who I want to be. I guess I am soul searching a bit right now.
Does the AB or spouse return? Do they return to the person you met sober and love? Do they return to the unselfish human they once were? Does the rejection and distance and lack of engagement go away? Is that part of becoming sober? Will they like/love you again, the way you love them? Has the return of the sober lover, BFF and companion ever happened for any of you?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Albuquerque, NM
Posts: 29
It is Day 31 sobriety. He is more rational and more empathetic. Cutting comments have stopped too. I feel better, my stress level is less and I am sleeping a little more too. Only time can tell. thanks all
Someone related a story here once that might sort of make sense to you in regards to the effect alcohol has long-term. Say people are all cucumbers. Well, alcoholics become pickles due to the alcohol. A pickle can never return to just being a cucumber. Alcohol literally pickles the brain, and the longer it's abused, the worse that effect is going to be. You're never going to get back exactly what went before the addiction.
Yep... that was how someone who doesn't post here anymore described it to me when I first came and I relayed it in the thread with his motorcycle accident. It's a shame I lost her number when I smashed my Droid during one of hub'z drunkin rages.
But anyways... After living through something like alcoholism... it changes everyone including the non alcoholic. My husband made me realize that once he sobered up and I told him, I wish things were the way they used to be and he said, They'll never be that way. We'll never be the same. We can only be better. And he was so right. It all takes time though.
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