Sending AS money
 

My son has been begging me to put money on his account for a small television for his cell. It is specially made and see through so it's very expensive. I told him I would put money on his account for snacks and that it all. I guess thats my boundary and I'm having a hard time already sticking to it.

JMHO- Making his stay in jail more comfortable by buying him an expensive TV seems like enabling. Stick by your guns and just send snack money. If he really wants the TV maybe he'll "save up" the snack money. Your boundaries are for your protection. Best wishes.

I don't know if this makes any sense to you, or if you're even capable of doing it -- but a friend of mine whose son spent some time in prison on drug charges decided to just not accept his calls anymore. She wrote him a letter explaining that she would love to talk to him, but she was not sending him any more money, and if he brought up the issue of money, she would hang up on him.

That was her boundary -- and it did make her son relent about the money and eventually just call to have a conversation.

It IS hard to stick to boundaries when we first set them. I recently had to make the decision to hold a boundary with my brother. It was really hard for me, made me feel crappy for a couple of days until I talked to my Sponsor and made peace with it. I know it was the healthy right thing to do. Maybe with your son, if you're not there to make prison any easier for him, he'll start to take a hard look at his choices.

You made the right decision. Hang in there.

liilmay, I don't think I could refuse his calls. I think he just needs some time to adjust to being re-incarcerated. He says most of the inmates have televisions so they must have family supporting them.

I think if you choose to do this you should order the TV for him but not just send money. How will you know that is what the money is spent on? Sorry if I sound suspicious--I don't mean to. I wish you and your son the best--

And that sounds to me like a way to try to play on your heartstrings. What he's saying is "... so if you DON'T send me money for a TV, that must mean you don't support me."

You'll figure out what is right for you here. Sticking by boundaries is hard when your heart hurts.

The last time he was in there many years ago he was spending the money on drugs. The assistant warden called me and told me the full story.

lilly, yes I realize that it is an attempt at sympathy. He acts like a little kids at times.

Check out the book Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children. I forget who the author is.

Ironically enough, my mom bought that book so she could learn to set boundaries with me.

Yeah, HE says. How do you know he's telling the truth?

I don't and thats the problem. He can work inside but they only earn like .25cents an hour and a portion of that would go to to a victims impact fund. He says only the newer, younger inmates work while inside and that the older guys more or less look down upon that.

Upset - I'm both a recovering addict (RA) and recovering codie with loved ones who are still addicts (A's).

A few years ago, I had a friend that I had been locked up with in a diversion center with for about 6 months. We both did well, then she got sent to prison. She kept asking me for money, telling me "you don't know how HARD it is in here!!!". I was working as much as possible, trying to keep my head above water and said "you don't know how hard it is out here!!!".

She was angry, sent me letters of the horrors of prison. I couldn't take care of me and her.

She got out of prison, I picked her up and got her a cheap motel room for a week, as I had done well in tips that month.

She actually got a job, waiting tables, but it wasn't 2 weeks and she sent me a message saying "OMG, you were right!!!! I had no idea how hard it was on the outside!!"

I guess my point is, she thought prison was horrific. She had no idea what life in recovery was like, trying to get out of the hole we'd dug ourselves into.

I have numerous loved ones who are A's, right now, though none of them are in prison....for now. I found recovery because I was forced to face my consequences, and they can do the same.

I admit, I've given in at times. However, there are very simple TV's that are cheap and he doesn't have to have the very expensive one. If we don't learn that there are consequences to our addictions, we will just keep on doing the same old thing.

It's not easy, but we have to take care of US first.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

impurrefect, you are right. He was only out a few months before he returned. I think he is more comfortable being in prison than in the free world. I took him to Walmart one day and he almost had a mental breakdown because of all the noise and different colors.

That sounds a little funny to me, like he might be lying about that.

Besides, why is he trying to "fit in" as if he were in middle school or something?

It sounds like he's trying to guilt trip you. i.e. other inmates will look down on him if he works. From what you have said so far he has told you that 'all the other inmates have one' and 'they will laugh/make fun of me if I do X'.

You obviously love him a great deal, but is it possible he is using that to manipulate you? Prison is an ideal time for him to focus on himself and to work through some issues. However, it is also a time when consequences play out. If you step in to provide him with distraction/entertainment and to get him out of having to work to achieve something, what will change? Surely he will only continue in his cycle of instant gratification - ask mum and get what he wants. Your boundaries are not only for you, but in this case, for his good too. If he wants a fancy state of the art t.v. then he should have to save up his snacks money and work and save that too.

Just my thoughts.

Begging? That would be a no, with an additional penalty for continuing, for children of all ages.

He views himself as a convict while inside and they have their own little world it seems. He complains that the younger inmates always cause problems and are very quick to snitch to the guards. Plus, a portion of his earnings would be garnished for a victims impact fund.

And rightly so.

Given his past history with allot of money on his account I would be extremely hesitant to send more.

Its hard to imagine that allot of incarcerated people with him come from wealthy enough families who can afford to put allot of money on their accounts so they can afford to purchase expensive TV's.

Does the prison NOT offer TV privileges except in cells with their own expensive TVs?
Have you contacted the prison to inquire about this request?

Hello Upset,

We have had to say no to my stepson on several occasions. I understand how guilty that can make you feel. Whatever your decision, it will be your decision and the right one for you.

He is locked in his cell 22 hours a day. Basically only comes out for meals and 1 hour of yard time depending on weather. They do this so they can cut staff i believe. There are a lot of misconceptions of what prisons are really like. It's not a resort and it seems to have done a lot of mental damage to my son from his previous 8year sentence. The televisions all very small and made for prisons.

Tv's in prison are not purchased....they are rented.

My daughter had one and the rent was $12/month

Everytime he tells you something....call his counselor at the prison and ask.
When he gets tired of the counselor bringing it up constantly...he'll stop calling you.

You are being manipulated and duped.....sorry to say...but I have been there too.

If he went back on a parole violation (ie: not new charges, which it doesn't sound like he did...since he was just arrested last week and is back in prison already) then, depending on how long he is in there this time...will depend on whether or not he can get a job.

If he can get mom and others to send money....he can run scams on the inside with drugs and contraband.

You never know who else is sending money. There are alot of lady friends that correspond with inmates as "pen pals" and they are constantly scammed for money.

And yet these conditions didn't keep him from drug dealing.

No, his original charge was robbery. He never would sell drugs. He did have quite a few "pen pals" the last time he was locked up but they were mainly people he played chess against through the mail. He was even ranked through the chess federation.

Upsetneedhelp, your name indicates that you need help based on your relationship with your addicted son. You are here looking for someone who understands you. When someone points out flaws in his or your logic and suggests things other than what you're thinking, you are quick to defend him and tell us we don't understand.

I will challenge you to consider that we do understand, and that we also think that you're being duped by your son, who is telling you what you want to hear because he knows you will cave because you feel sorry for him and are susceptible to his manipulation -- for reasons good and bad, whatever, but still susceptible to being played by him. Perhaps you don't know your son. Perhaps he's telling you what you want to hear. Perhaps you don't have the whole story.

He would never sell drugs, but he will rob and steal. Okay. Po-tay-to, po-tah-to.

When you are rushing to defend him and tell us we're all wrong about him, pay attention to that. That's where your anxiety lives. That's independent of us and what we think.

Florence, I have yet to hear a parent or spouse have their loved one come out of a long term prison sentence. I hear about dui's, probation and 30 day jail sentences. I attended the family reintegration program on long term offenders through the departmart of corrections. They concluded that inmates released with little to no family support are doomed to failure. Kind of the opposite of Alanon and SR suggestions. So I am a bit confused.

Every prison is different but repeated offenders are usually the ones locked down for those kind of hours and it has nothing to do with saving money on staff. County jails tend to be more like resorts but state prisons are not kidding around.

You posted because you are struggling with a boundary YOU set and were afraid you'd not follow through. No doubt you love your son very much and want to do all you can with what little you can based on the situation.

If you want him to have a TV then put money on the account but if you really have that gut wrenching feeling its not on the up and up then don't do it.

As suggested, contact the prison or his counselor and find out all the facts for yourself regarding the money and the TV. Maybe you can just rent it montly, look into all your options but always trust your gut instincts.

Send an AA Big Book?

I think maybe your confusion is the about the difference between "support" and "enabling?"

Not dogging you on that.

Mrs. Hammer's mom has the same confusion.

Back to basics. Quit getting distracted. You gave your terms. Stick to them. Do what you say, say what you do. Basic rules for living well, regardless of circumstances.

Sounds like he's guilt tripping you, saying that most of the inmates have tv's so they must have family supporting them (even if you assessed in that last post about family supporting them as your own assumption, that's probably exactly where he wanted your mind to go).

I don't have children but I imagine it must be hard in a different kind of way to set boundaries with one's own children versus, say, a partner. I imagine that protective maternal instinct, that nurturing instinct, the instinct to soothe must be hard to battle with.

Maybe he needs time to adjust to being re-incarcerated like you said. He also needs time to think about what put him there to begin with.

Do you feel guilt? It sounds like you do.

If so, why, specifically?

I'm sorry you are dealing with such an upsetting thing...I wish you peace and strength.

Take care of yourself. Hugs!