Sending AS money
 

My son has been begging me to put money on his account for a small television for his cell. It is specially made and see through so it's very expensive. I told him I would put money on his account for snacks and that it all. I guess thats my boundary and I'm having a hard time already sticking to it.

JMHO- Making his stay in jail more comfortable by buying him an expensive TV seems like enabling. Stick by your guns and just send snack money. If he really wants the TV maybe he'll "save up" the snack money. Your boundaries are for your protection. Best wishes.

I don't know if this makes any sense to you, or if you're even capable of doing it -- but a friend of mine whose son spent some time in prison on drug charges decided to just not accept his calls anymore. She wrote him a letter explaining that she would love to talk to him, but she was not sending him any more money, and if he brought up the issue of money, she would hang up on him.

That was her boundary -- and it did make her son relent about the money and eventually just call to have a conversation.

It IS hard to stick to boundaries when we first set them. I recently had to make the decision to hold a boundary with my brother. It was really hard for me, made me feel crappy for a couple of days until I talked to my Sponsor and made peace with it. I know it was the healthy right thing to do. Maybe with your son, if you're not there to make prison any easier for him, he'll start to take a hard look at his choices.

You made the right decision. Hang in there.

liilmay, I don't think I could refuse his calls. I think he just needs some time to adjust to being re-incarcerated. He says most of the inmates have televisions so they must have family supporting them.

I think if you choose to do this you should order the TV for him but not just send money. How will you know that is what the money is spent on? Sorry if I sound suspicious--I don't mean to. I wish you and your son the best--

And that sounds to me like a way to try to play on your heartstrings. What he's saying is "... so if you DON'T send me money for a TV, that must mean you don't support me."

You'll figure out what is right for you here. Sticking by boundaries is hard when your heart hurts.

The last time he was in there many years ago he was spending the money on drugs. The assistant warden called me and told me the full story.

lilly, yes I realize that it is an attempt at sympathy. He acts like a little kids at times.

Check out the book Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children. I forget who the author is.

Ironically enough, my mom bought that book so she could learn to set boundaries with me.

Yeah, HE says. How do you know he's telling the truth?

I don't and thats the problem. He can work inside but they only earn like .25cents an hour and a portion of that would go to to a victims impact fund. He says only the newer, younger inmates work while inside and that the older guys more or less look down upon that.

Upset - I'm both a recovering addict (RA) and recovering codie with loved ones who are still addicts (A's).

A few years ago, I had a friend that I had been locked up with in a diversion center with for about 6 months. We both did well, then she got sent to prison. She kept asking me for money, telling me "you don't know how HARD it is in here!!!". I was working as much as possible, trying to keep my head above water and said "you don't know how hard it is out here!!!".

She was angry, sent me letters of the horrors of prison. I couldn't take care of me and her.

She got out of prison, I picked her up and got her a cheap motel room for a week, as I had done well in tips that month.

She actually got a job, waiting tables, but it wasn't 2 weeks and she sent me a message saying "OMG, you were right!!!! I had no idea how hard it was on the outside!!"

I guess my point is, she thought prison was horrific. She had no idea what life in recovery was like, trying to get out of the hole we'd dug ourselves into.

I have numerous loved ones who are A's, right now, though none of them are in prison....for now. I found recovery because I was forced to face my consequences, and they can do the same.

I admit, I've given in at times. However, there are very simple TV's that are cheap and he doesn't have to have the very expensive one. If we don't learn that there are consequences to our addictions, we will just keep on doing the same old thing.

It's not easy, but we have to take care of US first.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

impurrefect, you are right. He was only out a few months before he returned. I think he is more comfortable being in prison than in the free world. I took him to Walmart one day and he almost had a mental breakdown because of all the noise and different colors.

That sounds a little funny to me, like he might be lying about that.

Besides, why is he trying to "fit in" as if he were in middle school or something?

It sounds like he's trying to guilt trip you. i.e. other inmates will look down on him if he works. From what you have said so far he has told you that 'all the other inmates have one' and 'they will laugh/make fun of me if I do X'.

You obviously love him a great deal, but is it possible he is using that to manipulate you? Prison is an ideal time for him to focus on himself and to work through some issues. However, it is also a time when consequences play out. If you step in to provide him with distraction/entertainment and to get him out of having to work to achieve something, what will change? Surely he will only continue in his cycle of instant gratification - ask mum and get what he wants. Your boundaries are not only for you, but in this case, for his good too. If he wants a fancy state of the art t.v. then he should have to save up his snacks money and work and save that too.

Just my thoughts.

Begging? That would be a no, with an additional penalty for continuing, for children of all ages.

He views himself as a convict while inside and they have their own little world it seems. He complains that the younger inmates always cause problems and are very quick to snitch to the guards. Plus, a portion of his earnings would be garnished for a victims impact fund.

And rightly so.

Given his past history with allot of money on his account I would be extremely hesitant to send more.

Its hard to imagine that allot of incarcerated people with him come from wealthy enough families who can afford to put allot of money on their accounts so they can afford to purchase expensive TV's.

Does the prison NOT offer TV privileges except in cells with their own expensive TVs?
Have you contacted the prison to inquire about this request?

Hello Upset,

We have had to say no to my stepson on several occasions. I understand how guilty that can make you feel. Whatever your decision, it will be your decision and the right one for you.