Good morning, all.
 

Just wanted to check in and say hello......I'm doing well and have been busy with work and life. Trying really hard to take good care of myself. Eating well, doing yoga, and being more proactive about expressing my feelings when I need to.

My bf has found a biking group through AA, which is wonderful since the friends he used to bike with are just not good for him to be around. I am very happy for him because I know it can be hard to make new sober friends.

Winter's coming so I'm feeling a little bit down but seeing my therapist and staying active helps.

Hope all is well with everyone here. As always, thanks for an ear when I need one. I am so grateful for you all.

Thank you for reminding me to PAY ATTENTION. As the weather changes I can feel a little discombobulated. I have to include "grounding" activities with my morning meditation and sometimes ramp up my meeting attendance. I am lucky there are so many good meetings around me. Yoga helps as well, and I go to the more gentle practices rather than the ones full of movement and changes.

I look forward to the Fall; that is when my attitude usually changes for the better. I am also starting Yoga. A new studio just opened up in our town and I am looking forward to today's lesson.
I think that I must be making progress as well. My H made a comment yesterday, stating that I have somehow changed since buying my car. That I am somehow tougher and more aggressive; as if I have more testosterone. (Huh?)
He attributes it to me having a fast car, however, I would not have been able to buy the car that I wanted if I had not finally figured out how to be assertive.
I am thinking that finding your voice is a side effect of healing.

Ugh, I've been having a rough time the past couple of days. I hate, hate depression. The feelings of apathy, worthlessness and inadequacy are swirling through my brain. At least I don't turn to alcohol to quell them anymore. It doesn't work at this point anyway.

My bf is doing well and I am glad. He found a space for his art studio and is hoping to have a show this winter. He seems much happier and is working very hard on his recovery. I am truly happy for him. However, I am starting to have thoughts like, "He is so talented, when he is successful at his art and more mentally healthy he will drop me."

I am also thinking things like, "for my age I should be making more money, I'm a loser, I've squandered my talent and intelligence, etc......" I know these things aren't true. It's the bipolar/depression talking, and even if my BF decided to leave me I have no control over that. I feel so unmotivated and tired. I'm trying really hard to force myself not to sit and stare blankly at the wall or take to my bed. I absolutely hate my job right now. I have a freelance writing job I'm working on, and would love to make it my full-time career. I don't feel like putting the work in right now. It's pathetic.

Sorry to go on and on with this poor me sh*t. I need to vent and I appreciate the support I get here so much. I am currently in therapy, going to al anon, reading books on recovery, blah blah blah. I feel like no matter how hard I try I'll always be effed up. I could read self-help books and meditate till the cows come home but nothing will ever change the way my brain functions. I know feelings are not facts, and this will pass. I'm just having a bad couple of days.

Thanks so much for reading. I know I'm being overly negative and probably dramatic. Not really looking for advice, I needed to get it out. :react

Pardon my language.. but I call those voices.. the "Itty Bitty Sh*ty Committee" and I wish it was easier to tell them to take a flying leap! I feel ya.. I say all those same things to myself. Hugs.. It'll get better.. :ring

Thanks! That made me laugh. :)

Hi readerbaby, it sounds like you are doing good. It gets easier. Keep going dear. :ring