XAGF's kids - What to do if anything?
 

So I have been doing FOO work and I realize how negatively my childhood has affected my life.

Quick recap: my XAGF has 2 boys, 7 and 9. Similar to me and my brother. I'm not looking to get involved in her life. We have friends in common and looks like she is taking them to a sloshball / chilli cookoff event. Basically a bunch of adults playing kickball and getting wasted. She is going to keep them in an adjacent fenced off playground so they aren't near the drinking...

Anyhow, she has a new bf blah blah. Is there anything I can do for these kids? I'm not looking to reconnect with my X. Just wondering if there's something i should do. They have a dad who is also an alcoholic, she used to always complain he wasn't stepping up as a dad, she won't admit it but she looks for a dad/family replacement in a man.

Thoughts? Thanks!

I'm an ACoA, so I'm usually super protective of children in A families. However, I'm not sure if there's anything you could do for these boys without becoming enmeshed with your XAGF again. Do you ever see them just around town? If so, be sure to be kind to them. Treat them with respect, but don't become Creepy Uncle ZenMe. As they get a bit older, they will probably gravitate toward you if you are able to maintain some sort of contact. This is just one of those tricky situations where those kids deserve so much better, but you can't really be meddling in that family's business.

I'm still in NC with XAGF. Last time I saw them at a house concert with my X I was of course cordial. They bottled up so no doubt she told them something...

They live about 30 minutes away, so I don't really run into them. I run into them more when she brings them to town for an event such as this.

I might go canyoneering the day of that event so I may not see them. My boundary is, once she's sober for a year we can be friends or something.

Well then, that just leaves a whole pile of "these kids are gonna need a LOT of therapy", and not a whole lot of room for you to quietly infiltrate and try to be there for them. My mother used to always try to get us to turn on people who cared about us. If the focus wasn't on HER, then the situation had to change. Creating drama that placed her as the "neutral" third party was her specialty. I think I was 13 or so when I finally caught on. *sigh* I feel for those kids and for you.

This is just my personal opinion, but I think you need to leave the kids alone. You weren't a significant part of their lives while you two were dating--you said you (wisely) kept your distance. Why now try to be invoved with them when you need to remain NC with her for your own mental health?

It isn't that I don't feel badly for the kids but I just think you are powerless to help them, and might confuse them even more. If you want to save kids, volunteer to be a big brother or help with reading in schools. There are plenty of kids who need help that don't have your exagf as a mother.

Why is this even going through your head? I'm worried it is your AV. I don't say that in judgement; it feels like something I would do myself. Our AV gives us excuses disguised as altruism to contact our exes. Stay strong, Zen!

Dreams is right on.

Any continuing connection will do no one any good, and it might blow up in your face (or the kids' faces) big-time. Suppose she were to find out you were in touch with them and take it out on them or resent them for it?

I love the idea of reaching out to help other kids who need a stable male figure in their lives (once you're sufficiently stable, that is :) ).

Maintain distance, unless you have reason to believe they are being abused or living in a legally neglectful situation (laws vary by state). If so, call CPS.

AV?

Why now? Because I realize how much my relationship with my dad has affected me.

Yes there is nothing I can do, and my mental health is important. I had to ask though. This is in no way shape or form an attempt to reconnect with the X.

This stems from my rather long post here.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rrelation.html

Thanks for your thoughts!

Addict Voice.. :)

Maybe you have a desire to act in a loving capacity towards some CoA to heal the part of you hurt by your dad?

Not for it to heal scars from my upbringing. Kind if like when we try to help here on SR. Trying to spare them additional pain, time, etc. Of course it's an issue close to me.