ZenMe

Hi all,

I have learned a lot about myself these past 2 weeks and wanted to share. This post stems from having seen my parents a few days recently (traveled back home), having seen my cousin again (the RA who told me to RUN from my XAGF) and a friend who has a history of borderline people in her life.

For as long as I can remember my dad has had a serious anger problem. When things don't go his way he throws a huge adult temper tantrum where he goes into a crazy rage and spews extremely hurtful things. The things he says are usually the same things over and over

"why cant you kids be like so and so's kids"
"you (mom, bro, me) are extremely disrespectful, spoiled, selfish, uncaring, etc"
"i do everything and you do nothing"

now add every swear word in the dictionary, repeat the screaming for about 2 hours till he runs out of steam and there you have. He generally did this (when I was growing up) at least once every 2 weeks.

His temper tantrums would be triggered by ANYTHING, his soup was too cold, his soup was too hot. I closed the door to hard, anything and everything. I realize this is a HUGE manipulation tactic on his part, by becoming the victim and degrading everyone he tried to get his way. Is there a term for this neurotic crazy behavior?

My part in all this, because I was a kid, was I would sit on the couch and just take his tirade, say things like "ok, yep, uh huh" till he ran out of steam. When I was younger he would apologize 2-3 hours later while I faked being asleep to not have to deal with him. As I became a teenager he no longer apologized. In retrospect I should have gone to live with my grandmother, uncle or something. It's no surprise I would fantasize of running away. Sure enough nowadays I live very far from home.

I internalized all his quacking, hurtful words and emotional abuse. Around the age of 6 when I could start to feel hurt by his words and actions, I started gaining weight, feeling miserable and wanting to die.

My mom made a comment while I was back home when I told her about my xagf's abuse and she said "that probably hits close to home for you because of your father".

I really hadn't made the connection until my friend who is currently in a relationship with an abusive borderline bf said I may be experiencing some sort of PTSD. In her case her father, her XH, her son AND her bf all have the same sort of thing my dad has, except in her case her BF has like 3 really bad days every week where he is mean and abusive. She is staying in this relationship because her BF has admitted he has a problem and is getting help, making advances supposedly... I draw the line at abuse regardless of if the person is getting help. She is holding on to hope.. anyhow.

My mom told me my dad has been getting better, however, of course like always when I visit he has at least 1 blow up. He blew up at my brother for being curt with him while he was trying to get some work done. My brother has clearly repressed my dad's abuse and my dad usually took it out on me. He took it quite hard.

I talked to other people and it's clear that my dad has no gotten better, he continues to have his weekly or so blowouts. Even the dogs were shaking after his blow out.

While I was home after my dad's tirade I opened up the fridge. 3 bottles of wine almost empty, so my guess is about 1 bottle a day. He may not be a slobbering, passing out alcoholic, and my mom vehemently denies he's an alcoholic, but guess what...ding ding I think we have an alcoholic on our hands. If he's not and has some other sort of condition it's definitely amplified by alcohol.

So tying it to my XAGF. When drinking she would say all sorts of things like "we shouldn't be together, you don't love me, etc" not direct mean nasty things like my dad but things that nonetheless hurt. So what would I do? weather the storm, say thing like "ok , uh huh, whatever, time for bed, etc" till she would run out of steam. Of course she didn't remember anything, or would give me an empty apology.

So I would react, default back to the same mode that I had learned while living at home with my dad. I would just take it, sweep it under the rug and move on. In December when my x had a really bad episode and took it physical I broke it off. Weeks later she had met a new guy and was already being intimate. I gave it a shot again, nothing changed and broke it off in June, 2 weeks later she is now with that same guy. Still telling friends that I didn't want her and that she wished she were with me. Never really tried to stop drinking, lied a ton and isn't ready to quit drinking.

Either way I draw the line at abuse, but I didn't draw it at emotional abuse! I had started gaining weight with my xagf JUST like I had when my dad's abuse started affecting me. So if I start to gain weight that's a huge red flag for me. I'm losing weight now.

Ok so I was programmed to internalize the abuse. I see that now, and I am NEVER going to take that again. This time the universe tested me with a really nice wrapped present, with a big bow (my xagf was very pretty to me). I say to the universe, OK I have learned my lesson, no matter how hot, how attracted I am to this woman, how good the physical part is, and the "good" days (intellectual talks and more), no way, no hell I am not going back.

So how does this tie back in? Well I will not be spending my thanksgiving with my parents, or Christmas. Why? because things start to get better, I travel 12 hours to see my parents and all I get from visiting is getting "beat up". If they want to see me they can visit me. If I ever do go back I will be staying with my brother instead. Unfortunately my mom doesn't get to see me but it's her choice to be with my dad. I don't have to put up with that. I don't care it's my family or to hear my dad whining "you should come back and be with your people" crap. I don't have to come back and spend time with people that affect me negatively.

I do recognize that in my relationship with the xagf and my dad I haven't been able to communicate as well, for obvious reasons. So that's something I could work on, not that it would solve anything.

I have identified things I want to work on, communication, boundaries, etc. I forgive myself for having put myself in these situations for longer than I should have. I let it go.

I'm working on my own issues, working on acceptance. My dad won't change and my x (all indications are) won't change either.

All this hasn't been easy for me, I have bad days, so so days and good days. The good days are starting to outshine the bad days. When I have started to feel sad the tears no longer come. I know I'm on the right path, it's not going to be easy but that's just part of life.

I'm happy that I have identified something for me that has been a bad cycle of abuse in my life and that I will never do it again. It may come again next time, wrapped in a bigger bow, sparkly like, but I know better and will keep working at it.

SR has been a huge part at grounding me and giving me strength to move on to something better, something I know will be wonderful and worth every bit.

Thanks for letting me share.

PS. I have been going out, meeting new people and enjoying myself. Whenever I feel like not going somewhere because I'm in a dark place I say to myself "I'm good enough, regardless of what's going on", and I ask myself daily "what do I need to do today to take care of myself?" and do that as best I can.

trixie56

Reading your post reminded me of many of the same things I've been thinking about lately. I grew up with a father much like yours and had a childhood of walking on eggshells and bracing myself for his next reaction. I also didn't object, and I never stood up for myself. I was raised to just sit and take it and believe it was normal. Even though I now know it isn't, I've had to struggle with the inability to trust my own instincts and speak up for myself. I've also recently made a connection between these experiences of my childhood and my time with my XABF and how he made me feel about myself. He never yelled at me or threatened me, but he did treat me with hostility and carelessness. My concerns were not valid, and I was (to him) naive and a baby. He made me feel small and ugly on the inside. I hadn't felt this way since I was little.

It's wonderful you're doing all this thinking and self reflection. I think that's the best way to grow and move towards healthy, happy relationships and life, in general.
Way to go 😊

readerbaby71

Thanks for telling your story. I recently realized that a lot of my issues still stem from my childhood, and a lot of them have to do with my mom, who is a food addict and severely depressed. Her father was an alcoholic. She's an unbelievably kind person, but incredibly emotionally fragile. I have gone to therapy for a long time and thought I had dealt with a lot of the anger and abandonment I felt when she was emotionally unavailable.

When I met my BF part of the reason I liked him is because he reminded me a lot of my mom...in good ways. They are both artists, very sensitive, insightful and talented. I now realize that I've taken on the role of his caretaker just like I did with my mom when I was a child.

I have worked really hard on becoming emotionally and mentally healthy and am shocked that I fell into this pattern so easily. I guess we always have to be vigilant in making sure we're taking care of ourselves.

Good for you for deciding not to see your family for the holidays. You will enjoy yourself more and although you may miss them you won't miss the abuse.

Thanks for your comments on my other thread. Your insight is much appreciated.

ZenMe

I was beating myself up a bit because how could I fall for something abusive again. But it was this experience with my XAGF that has made me change my relationship with my dad. That's huge for me and wouldn't have happened if not for this experience.

trixie56

That's a great way to look at it. And, I understand the whole "how could I fall for that again" thing. But when I start thinking that I remind myself that I didn't really fall for it. You didn't either. Yes, we believed in our XA's, but we also knew we deserved much better treatment and weren't content to let things play out like that forever. I think even just being able to recognize the abuse and know you deserve better is huge. This is where I think trusting our instincts is super important. I've learned that lesson too for sure!

NWGRITS

This is a great breakthrough for you, zenme! I'm really happy to see that you're making connections and seeing where the roots of your codependency lie. I can relate to a lot of what you posted. Broken childhood and even getting confused between physical attraction and real, honest to goodness love in relationships. For most of my teens and 20s, I figured that anything could be made right if you just said you were sorry and then had makeup sex. I can laugh about it now, but I was so desperate for real love. I just didn't know what it was yet.

wiscsober

I would like to hear that you are taking care of yourself. Peace, love, and understanding.

FeelingGreat

ZenMe, I was very interested in your post. Just wondering, does avoiding him (which is a perfectly healthy thing to do) constitute changing your relationship with him? If he called and asked when you were coming to see him, would you say straight out that you are staying away because of his behaviour? Has he had that sort of feedback from anyone in the family, or are they just avoiding him as much as possible?

ZenMe

At different points he has had feedback. For example when my mom kicked him out for a little bit (I could breathe again!) my mom had promised to talk to me before she let him return... Which she didn't. Trust broken and it hit me harder. I descended deeper...

My dad squashed us whenever anyone tried to speak their minds so communication was seriously lacking in my house. My dad blew up on the phone once, I told him off and hung up. LaterI emailed him explaining it but never how bad it has affected me. He gave me an empty apology.

We didn't know how to create and enforce boundaries. I'm going to write him an email at some point before thanksgiving so it's spelled out and clear. If he called today I would flat out tell him.

He will use manipulation tactics and every trick in the book. I wil maintain my stance.