I left him and now he wants to change
 

4 days ago, I finally left my AH. It was a struggle but I stuck to my guns and got out of there. For 3 days he has blamed me and made excuses.....all the usual fare but I haven't given him an inch. Today I received a call from him during which he showed what seemed to be genuine remorse. He said that although he doesn't want to go to AA as he doesn't believe he is an alcoholic he will commit to going to addiction counselling as he believes that he has an addictive personality. He said that he has been relying on me too much and instead of doing things for himself he got used to asking/expecting me to do it. He says that as his friends are all hedonist he is going to stay away from them.
He apologised for his abusive treatment of me and for scaring our child. He says he wants to completely change his life and be a better father. He said that he will respect that I need time to myself and will wait until I'm ready to restart our relationship.
He said lots of positive stuff that he hasn't said before but says he needs to know that I will still be there if he gives me space. He wants to live on the driveway in our caravan. He says because he can't bear to be away from our son and because we live in such a peaceful place...he doesn't want to live on a campsite.
He's asked me to think about it and bottom line, I'm not sure about him being in such close proximity.
I don't want to dump all over his good intentions but I also don't want to find myself in a situation where I am pressured to move forward with the relationship before I'm ready.
If he does the work then I'm happy because I'm four months pregnant, we've been together for 20 years and I do really love him and would be happy to be with him if he's sober and in therapy.
Its been very hard work to get to this point and I want to make sure I make the right decision for me and our son.
Any experience to share...Please?

This is what we refer to as Quacking. Of course he doesn't want you to leave. He's has a nice, cushy life of drinking with no consequences. If you're not there, all of that goes to crap. No child should be in a home with an active alcoholic. Want to know what happens to those kids? Those of us who were raised in alcoholic homes can tell you the hell that is growing up with an A parent. Stick to your guns. If he really wants to get sober, he will do it for himself, whether you are there or not.

Sorry, I'm on my phone and typing sucks. Others can come along and expand on options, should hr be serious about this. But his denial of being an A is a huge red flag.

Thanks Grits....this is what I'm trying to do different this time.....not edit or lie to myself. Got 1.4 children to think of. My AH is an ACOA so I really get what it can do and I don't want that for my kids.

Oh, Yes, Java, I also agree with the above posters. The fact that he does no believe himself to be an alcoholic is a dead give-away. he is still in denial to himself and is making a promise to you that he will not be able to keep. The alcoholic can make the most sincere pleas when they think we might leave---but when the compulsions and craving hits--they can't think about anything else but the drink. Addiction counseling without a committment and desire to work an intense program and do total abstainence gives almost no chance of success.

If he were serious--he would do anything possible to get sober whether you were there or not!!!! I say: Have him demonstrate by action--not words. One year of uninterrupted sobriety is the usual recommendation for demonstrating a committment toward sobriety.

It sounds like he is "quacking"---manipulating the situation while still indenial.

Now would be the time to listen to your head rather than your heart.

dandylion

You made what you considered to be a wise move for the welfare of yourself and your kids. If he really wants to change, he can do that without living in your driveway and regardless of whether you "wait" for him. Tell him it's wonderful that he is planning to change and that you are sure your kids will benefit greatly from his sobriety. Tell him you really look forward to their having a sober dad someday.

And if it were me, that's all I would say. No to living in the driveway, no promises about what you will or won't do. He's trying to negotiate/manipulate what you do, rather than just going out and DOING what HE needs to do.

Quack is right.

My husband promised he wouldn't drink again. As far as I can figure, that promise lasted between a week and a half and three weeks. Nice try. It hasn't been awful, like it was, but it proves that he's an alcoholic. At least it does to me! To him, not so much.

People here and in RL told me not to go back so soon (3 days), and they were right. It hasn't been disastrous, but it's not a bad idea for you give it some more time. All I have to worry about is me and the cat; you've got the 1.4 kids.

Take care.

Oh boy. This happened to me. I left for over a month in which I guess he just felt secure knowing ide be back once it was established I was fed up and not tolerating it anymore he said hed quit and he did quit!! This lasted a month and a half. What happened????
He went to see old friends saying hed be fine and I believed him. Next thing I know hes dissapearing again and showing up drunk. I did believe him which is crazy since I have zero trust in him but he was gaining trust back. Slowly but surely and I knew at the time he was serious.
Now i allowed myself to be sucked back into it.
Honestly ide stay at a distance and not get your hopes up. I tried not doing it but boy did I let my guard down. This relapse has lasted so far about 2 months soooo ide be cautious to believe anything without seeing it and it lasting much longer than a month or two.
1 month and a hakf is nothing in the years this has been going on.
Also he should want ot enough that it comes first and what you do or dont do doesnt mean anything compared to recovery.

As I thought. Thanks for helping me to stay clear about this. I used to dread saying no to him but the more I do it the easier it becomes. :)

Javajoetoes, with the pregnancy and hormones and all, you need extra support and comfort now--more than ever. do you have any kind of support system to lean on? Family, friends, health care support?

Please, keep us posted about how things are going..o.k? This should be a time for you to enjoy!!

dandylion

Just remember wanting and doing are two different things.

Dandylion, I agree with you. I do need extra support and do you know what I'm so used to doing everything on my own or worse against the odds that I feel like I can do this on my own too. However, I am going to go visit my family in Ireland next week and let them know what is going on for me. I haven't spoken to them about any of this for years. Time to break the silence. Its all about making my life and therefore my childrens lives healthier. I am not allowed to take my son out of the country for more than 28 days without my husbands permission so there is no chance of taking my son and moving back there. I have some friends who are really supportive but they all have their own families so aren't always available. My midwife is great so I'll call her next week too. There is a Sunday morning al anon group that I can bring my son to so I plan to start going to that instead of my usual Monday evening one. I'll figure it out, I've become pretty resourceful over the years.
Got one further question though.
I shouted at my mother in law the other day which goes against my values. The circumstances were that I had explained everything to her, the drinking the abusive behaviour, him frightening his son, cheating on me , smashing my furniture and house up more than once. She saw him shout and swear in front of our son more than once. Told me she'd support me and that I should put me and my child 1st.He comes round to her house where I went to when I left because we were staying in a caravan in another part of the country from where we live and her home was the nearest place for me to go when I left. He gets upset. I keep trying to walk away from him as I didn't want to fight in front of our son, he follows me, with our son in his arms, I go upstairs, he follows me, takes my phone, my car keys and prevents me from leaving the room. Then lets me out of the room so I can go make a call to the police, he locks the front door of the house behind me. She opens the door when I come back hes telling me how I need to give him another chance now hes seen the light and she chimes in with an exasperated "why do you just give him another chance"...I literally couldn't believe it.
I shouted at them both to f off and told her that she didn't know what she was talking about and that I don't find it acceptable to be called a c*nt by her son and neither should she.
Anyway, I don't normally behave like that so I feel kind of bad. I don't know what to do cos I still feel really pissed off with her so if I call to apologise it could go wrong .....help?

If you need to apologize, that can wait. First things first. You need to protect yourself--from both of them, at the moment, it seems.

If I were you, I'd consider getting a restraining order against him (not letting you leave the room is considered domestic violence), and avoiding contact with her for the time being. Let things settle down before you talk to her again. Parents are in a tough spot with alcoholic children--not that that is an excuse, but she is suffering in her own way, too.

Hugs,

Javajoetoes, you are only human---so, I think you should go easy on yourself on this one.
You are pregnant and in an incredibly stressful situation---it seems that you were trying to defend yourself.

I have lost my cool and said or done things that I was ashamed of--that were outside of my usual character. Sometimes, I have sincerely apologized--IF I felt that it was the right thing to do. Other times, I have just forgiven myself for loosing my cool---and vowed to myself to try to do better in the future (LOL).

Perhaps you could let the dust settle on this one for a bit--then decide h ow you want to handle it. Just don't beat yourself up over it--like I said, you are only human.

dandylion

Oh Lexie,
I was in touch with the UK national centre for domestic violence who told me that nothing he has done qualifies for a non molestation order. I swear I nearly cried. I have been keeping a diary solidly since May and he has done some disgusting things. They told me to ring social services......I've told him he can't park on the driveway and he sent me a long self pitying text to say what a great guy he is and nobody's perfect...including me.
I said exactly what you said you'd say/ Gald your going to get sober , your children will benefit. No answer....he's probably crying on the phone to his mother. He just gave her £1500 to buy a new car after she crashed her car with our son in it on the day I was discussing earlier. Honestly I kept my temper through so much that day...no apologies yet x

Ps thanks Dandylion, I needed to hear that xxx

Hi JavaJoeToes,

I'm so sorry you are going through this while you're pregnant. You sound like a tough lady and I wish you all the extra strength you need to get through this.

IMO, I think a lot can happen within a years time. Maybe he goes to addiction therapy and realizes he has a problem, maybe he doesn't. Maybe he decides he wants AA and sobriety. Spending a year away from his family might make him do some soul searching, and honestly decide he wants to be better. I wouldn't count on any of these things happening, but sometimes a drastic measure, like you moving out, is the knock on the head someone needs to wake the heck up. I would stay right where you are, AWAY, for now. Maybe reassess the situation, his progress, and your feelings in a year.

And as far as him living in the driveway.....no way! That is NOT respecting your need for space. That is him trying to manipulate you. I can't even list the problems I fore see happening as a result. Eeeesh!

Best of luck to you, and keep us all posted. We're rooting for you!

Wow, that's pretty hard to believe, that destroying your property, calling you names, and trapping you in your room don't qualify as DV. Have you talked with a lawyer? Might be worth another try...

It all has to have happened in the last 10 days and he has to have either been violent or made a direct threat of violence towards me,such as I'm going to kill you, I'm going to burn your house down etc. I could have cried.

Wow. That's so WRONG. Lots of women don't feel safe enough to go for a restraining order until they are, well, SAFE.

Let's hope he doesn't do anything else to qualify for one, but if he does, you will know to act quickly. I'm so sorry your system is set up this way, and VERY sorry all that happened to you.

Hugs,