I read Sasha4 post a little differently than you, I did not see it as you should look at yourself through your parents eyes.

There is a Buddhist meditation exercise, not that I am a Buddhist but you must give them they do have some insight in the human mind, where you try to find the feeling you have towards people you care for (easy for parents to do mostly) and then turn that attitude, feeling towards yourself.

Sometimes you will see your situation in a different light.

Would I wish that my son/daughter/whoever would behave this way.

You are not in an easy situation, and it is not easy to change – it is mostly painful and takes a lot of work.

I was to quick to comment first time, I am sorry about that Blake.

When you are suffering it is your body, instincts and emotions telling you that something is not right.

I am sure you have the strengths and wits to get on the other side – it is possible, but not easy.

Take care.

Thanks a million soberhawk. I appreciated all of your comments (and everyone's) and read them carefully. I am trying to take everything everyone is saying onboard. My mind has been on fire from anxiety and worry about someone I care so much about. It has become a cognitive challenge. My therapist told me that she believes I'm in so much pain that it could be causing physiological changes in the brain due to the fight or flight response. Thanks again.

I broke it off with my alcoholic girlfriend after 3 years. She wasn't exactly the same type of crazy but she was the type that if she started drinking she would drag you around and down and you would not have a good time.

I have only been broken up with her for a month but we have really been apart for almost a year. If I had to do it again I would break up with her sooner.

There really is no point in being in a committed relationship with someone who is an active addict in my opinion. Unless you are willing to accept them for who exactly they are right now and to let them be dysfunctional in their own right. If you try to change or control them you will be plagued with anxiety, stress, unhappiness and a downward emotional spiral of your mental health.

Anyone who is on the fence for being in a relationship with an addict should GET OUT NOW. At least that's how I feel having left a three year relationship of consistent heartbreak and disappointment. It does not get better because you want it to. It gets better if you recover and take care of yourself and that often involves giving yourself distance from someone who you may love very much.

There are other women who you can be with who aren't dysfunctional. Just my two cents. Good luck.

Blake,
Where's your bottom? She acts very, very bizarre. A candlelight dinner doesn't make up for telling the waiter she's a vampire and hiking up her skirt in public. Is this what you want? You don't deserve this!
Nancy

I have read over and over again that when you love an addict/alcoholic you are competing with the drug/bottle. In a romantic relationship the bottle almost always win.

I have no choice in the matter since the alcoholic in my life in my 21yo son? I can detach emotionally, even boot him out of the house, but he will always be in my life.

But you have a choice.

^^^THIS is what finally got me to let go.^^^^^^^

I had been working with the disease model, thinking "the poor guy is sick" (which he is, sicker than stink at this point). Who doesn't want to take care of a sick lover? It's so romantic, and also you feel needed. You have a purpose.

But after this last bender (three weeks long because it's progressing), hearing his drunken slur on the phone telling me I am the love of his life, I realized I couldn't share him with his other lover anymore.

I feel crappy, but also like I am ready for the "dance with life"! I hope things are getting better for you, too, Blake.
SQ

Me too, I felt like the lowest priority to her, I had started to compete against her drinking, which is crazy!

My X's benders weren't 3 weeks long and I think she hasn't progressed that far yet, but she is on the train that will lead her there. What really helped me is everyone's stories adding validity to the fact that's it progressively gets worse. So the way I thought about it back then was, "well tonight I'm dealing with her blackout, or she just got off the plane way drunk..." It's only going to get worse...I pulled the parachute before she really really screwed me over. In my eyes the 3 week benders, physical angry abuse, cheating on me, her passed out on the side of the street, etc were all coming. Which of course I started to see glimmers of. She had one violent outburst when she was blacking out. I stood up for myself, stopped her in her tracks and left.

And hey they are coming if she doesn't sort it. It's not IF, it's when. My uncle had to deal with his second wife going on benders and not being found for days My cousin, a recovered alcoholic told me to run, not to help her, but to run! From someone who has really been there...speaks volumes.

If all the information I had gained, my family, SR, etc wasn't enough to help me make this choice then I truly am lost. I would like to think I can learn from others and their wisdom without having to make my own mistakes. Although let's face it, I generally end up making my own mistakes haha.

Just another way I thought about it.

Hi Blake,

I hope you are doing OK.

When your therapist says that continuous flight/fight response could be causing physiological changes, you need to take that seriously. If your stress hormones are continuously high for a long period of time, that is not good, that is harmful for you.

I do not know your full story, but if this has been going on for many months – you need to find a solution so you can rest and recover.

I am not putting pressure on you, well I am kind of – and probably should not be adding to your worries.

Take care Blake.

You know people care about you here.

Soberhawk.