I was served papers for separation today
 

I was served papers 3 minutes before my 14 yr daughter was to arrive home from school today.
RAH transferred $5K out of our joint account last night and I just happened to be looking at the banking as saw it - asked him about it. RAH told me he was xfering $ to Schwab.
I called an attorney today to ask a couple questions and mentioned the transfer of $. She thought it was suspicious and looked up to see if he had filed. Sure enough he filed today! She called RAH's attorney and found out they were on their way to serve me. I reatained my attorney right then and there.
RAH picked up DD14 from school (he nevers does that) and took her out to hang out. RAH texted me less than 10 minutes after I was served and tells me he picked up DD and they are going to hang out. I text him back and say thanks for letting me know, have fun! He texts me later asking if I received the papers and if I was okay - he thought I'd be upset (who woulnd't be? - right) I'm certain, by the looks on their faces when they came home, that he told her what he had done.
So, I receive papers for a legal separation. My attorney says to stay calm and don't act upset - just go on with my day/weekend. So I try to do that. DD comes home and shuts her bedroom door and watches a movie in her room - laptops!
RAH asks me if I want anything for dinner -he was going to go to the store - we start talking and I guess I didn't get all the paperwork I was suppose to get. Get this .... RAH doesn't want a regular separation, he wants to stay in the house, but only separate our finances. I'm responsible for whatever I spend. I have been a stay at home mom for almost 11 years. I don't have an income!
We had talked in January and I told him I would look for a part time job to help out. He tells me I refuse to work. I told him that's a flat out lie - he knows I've been looking - I talk to him about what kind of responses I"m getting, networking, etc.
Anyway, it feels like he wants a live in girlfriend who has her own job. Are we going to pay our own way for vacations? This is crazy!! This is not a marriage!!!! It feels very controlling.
RAH has manipulated DD so much to think I'm the bad buy!!! This kills me!! She wouldn't talk to me when she got home other than to say hi and she wanted to be alone. I get that - she probably needs some time to process. But now she is watching tv with him and spending time with RAH.
I'm just doing my own thing. Trying to trust God's path for me and trust He will take care of me. My biggest concern is DD because at 14 this is such a tough age - she has alot of friend stuff going on. Getting ready to tryout for high school sport in 2 weeks and promotes/graduates 8th grade in less than 2 months. I'm angry for him at his timing!!! But I understand alcholism is a selfish disease.
It seems RAH has opened Pandora's box and I don't feel this can be repaired/fixed/reconciled, etc. Looking for E S H and lots of prayers that I will have the strength to get through this and prayers for my DD.
Thank you!

file for divorce.. since u dont work u will get spousal support and get half of everything
move on
this is insulting.. he wants his cake and to eat it too..

I'm so sorry or what you're going through. I agree that this feels very controlling; very much a 'you're not doing what I told you to, so I'll find a way to make you.' I'm glad you're able to retain an attorney to help you through the legal process. I guess I knew that that type of separation could be filed, but.... I'm at a loss for words. Sending hugs.

I hope for your daughter's sake that he doesn't drag her through the mud and pit her against you. That is a very bad man and I've been through it with my ex husband. It is not an easy thing to get through, especially with a teenager! I lost everything in that divorce and for him to do that, he's a POS! That my friend is unforgivable!

I would watch what he buys her in the next few weeks or so. He may be buying her off to stay with him. It doesn't take much to buy a teenager off. I could not compete with my ex and his spending sprees on them. I also had rules. Needless to say, I'm also going to be a very, very young grandmother in a couple weeks!

im not sure what to say in that matter....it sounds like hes a bit confused. i agree with the first post but to me it sounds like (and this is just my thoughts) that he is trying to bully you into getting a job.

I'm no expert and really have no similar experience to draw from, but it really does not sound quite right somehow.

If it were me, I would make an early as possible appointment with my newly retained attorney and do what I wanted to do instead of waiting to respond to his shenanigans.

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this!

I was served divorce papers the other day also. It was also a surprise. It's my fault as I hesitated and thought I could take my time. Do not trust an alcoholic! They are only out for themselves. Mine also thinks he can live in the house until the divorce is final. It's been hell. Don't procrastinate .....my husband of 37 years does not have a dime to his name. By the time he gets half of my retirement and I buy him out of the house, I will have nothing left! I will need to forget my dreams of retirement as it's not going to happen..take care of you. They're not ever going to think of you! I just had that reality slapped in my face.

So sorry you are going through this. I definitely would meet asap with your attorney and immediately file the correct motions to stop the financial manipulations... the courts will freeze all assets and moneys until an agreement is reached and should order him to take care of the bills and the money you need to continue to live in the same manner you did during your marriage.

Sounds like this A may need to become an XA.... when these things happen it is very revealing what their core character really is!

Yup, ditto on the appointment with the attorney. The court can order pendent lite support (support while the matter is pending) and also decide who stays in the house.

I would also have a chat with your daughter to reassure her that everything will work out. Don't get into who did what to whom. Just say that her dad has his perspective and you have yours, but that you both love her and will take care of her. Tell her it will take some time for everything to work out, but that it will, and that all of you will be OK. You may get a sense from that conversation whether he has been manipulating her, and you can tell your lawyer what she says. The court can also order no discussions about the issues surrounding separation/divorce with her.

Hugs, keep breathing.

I don't have any experience or advice to offer, just wants to send you some hugs. So sorry you're going through this. :hug:

Meet with your lawyer and file for divorce ASAP. He is wishing to separate finances to show/create a history that you are not financially connected. He also may be trying to wait until you have a job to show you aren't financially dependent etc.

You could get royally screwed financially if you don't file now. He's an ass and, you're right, living under the same roof but financially separated is BS. He wants the benefits of certain things but be able to keep what he considers HIS money.

I can't stress enough that this is NOT good and to be PRO-active on moving forward with a divorce. He's already building up to it anyway and, if you file now, you will show how the financial records are now--not to mention to maintain your dignity in the face of this asinine behaviour.

Dear CAgirl, I endorse listening to RevivingOphelia--I have a very suspicious feeling about his motives. I don't think passivity or foot-dragging is in your best interest, right n ow. (not saying that you are doing that). Just agreeing wholeheartedly with RevivingOphelia.

***There is just something so icecold about his conduct, right now--I think I smell danger in the air****

sincerely, dandylion

AL anon and AL ateen sounds good rite now....

sorry i dont know what else to say either...
but offer you support and a HUG

Thank you everyone. I do have an appt with my attorney on Tuesday am. She is a bulldog from what I hear. I plan to respond with requesting a divorce - I'm not doing any if this separation stuff.
RAH has involved dd by picking her up from school yesterday and talking to her. I'm sure he told her I spend too much and he cant afford my spending habits. That is what he's told me. I'm not this crazy out of control person spending $ all the time. He keeps trying to portray me like that so I guess he can control me and the $ which he reminds me is his as well as the house since "he" pays for it. I was working full time when "we" bought the house. It's all just SO crazy - I want to get off this ride!!!
RAH emailed me what I was suppose to receive from his attorney. The fact that she didn't send me the right stuff shows me her incompetence. And for a lawyer to agree to this type of "separation" is unbelievable. Anyway, he is willing to pay for most everything, do the food shopping (very controlling) and I have to pay 1/2 of just a few things - my dr visit co-pays, RX's, hair cuts. He will pay for the majority of DD's cheer activities.
His cover letter from attorney - which was suppose to be included when I was served yesterday states his concern is what's best for DD. it's all a bunch of crap - he's trying to look like the good guy. And I'm sure when my lawyer respo sz with divorce RAH is going to play the poor me .... And say to DD "I didn't want this your mom wants a divorce - not me"
Oh, he wants to live under the same roof during this arrangement provided the environment is acceptable!! How is any of what he's proposing acceptable ?
He added this "A family calendar will be kept up to date and Both parties will inform the other of time spent away from home, away from DD or when having 1on1 time away from home with DD.". He included this whole spreadsheet with $$, rules, home environment, etc.
I'm SO done with him!! Thank you so much for all the support, advise, etc. and thanks for letting me vent!!

Beyoooond ABSURD. I don't think he has any real respect for you...or his daughter.

The word that comes to my mind is NARCISSISM.

Glad that you are seeing lawyer ASAP.

dandylion

Dandelion - YES .. Narcissism!!!
I had made a decision prior to all this to suck it up and try to make things work for 4 more years - until DD graduates high school. But I guess God (my HP) has different plans for me. Trying to trust in God.
Oh, to add another fun twist to my crazy story - RAH just went through the process to become baptized-confirmed. I'm catholic and he just went through the process and is now Catholic like three weeks ago! And then he turns around and serves me with separation papers? He obviously has not embraced being Christian.
And he's waiting for the church to grant him an annulement from his previous marriage (25 years ago). This year would be our 17th anniversary. We met right after his divorce 20 years ago.
Thanks for confirming this is not right, that something sounds wrong, RAH is selfish, an a$$. I know these things and its good to hear from others. I have some friends that know what I've been going through and think I should have left a long time ago. There has been lots of verbal/emotional abuse - especially when RAH was drinking.
Just trying to trust in God and saying lots of prayers.
Lexie- thanks for the tip about orders to not talk to DD about situation. I'm going to ask my attorney about that.

I have been going to al anon and its been very helpful. DD is not interested in alateen - I did give DD a daily reader but she refused it.
RAH and I have had no physical intimacy for about 17 months. I have some trust issues (big surprise) by his actions - I've posted in previous threads about a his DUI and calling other women. RAH stopped drinking 15 months ago. I had hoped things would improve and he'd embrace recovery but looks like that is not happening. I suppose my situation will improve once I get through this. Thank goodness I have this forum, al anon and an incredible group of friends. I am truly blessed!!

My experience was expect the unexpected. My XAW said one thing while doing completely different things, ran up a bunch of credit cards and a bunch of financial surprises. Don't trust him, he is definitely not looking out for the best interest of the two of you, took awhile for my codie mind to wrap around that one! Best thing I did was hire an aggressive lawyer who kept my codie tendencies in check! She lets me know when I'm being too "accommodating". Now is the time to really let it sink in that you need to protect YOURSELF AND YOUR DAUGHTER and not worry about what he is doing, but keep track of what he is doing. Sending ESH to you!

Just one other thing. Don't ASSUME what he has said to your daughter, or what he has said to his attorney. You don't know, so just deal with the facts in front of you, keeping in mind that he may have been less than truthful with both of them.

You will find out more when you meet with your lawyer. Try not to catastrophize in the meantime. You've had a long marriage, and should make out decently.

I think of separation as kind of a trial divorce period. It feels like: I don't think I want to have a relationship with you any more, IDK, and I know I don't want to share. He throws in the added loop of, but I want to keep living with you. It's rather mixed messages.

The main area I'd heard of this type of legal separation was in situations where neither party could afford to live on their own. That doesn't sound like the case w Mr. CA.

IMHO, it really does sound like he's trying to force CAgirl into doing as he wants (getting a job) and doesn't like how long its taking to line up a job, which may take time in the current economic climate.