The bottom line.
 

The bottom line is I have to be comfortable. I will keep saying it, and acting on it, one million times if I have to!

I reconnected after a very short time with my xab. Seeing him and hanging out with him was good. I love when he's doing well. But it never lasts long and I knew he would show up drunk this evening.

In order to deal with what I knew would be coming I took myself to an al-anon meeting. I needed authentic courage to deal with him. Even before I went to the meeting I started chanting, out loud, "I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, and I can't control it!" Soooo POWERFUL!

He had me meet him at a restaurant up the street from my apt. He sounded okay on the phone but that doesn't mean anything. I arrived and quickly realized how drunk he was. I gave him a few minutes to see if he was going to be obnoxious and it started coming out. He was also forgetting things that had happened just five minutes earlier.

I asked for the check and got the hell outta there. I asked for his keys and we went to my apt. I told him as soon as we got there that we were going to hang out so he could sober up but then he would have to leave. I knew he wanted to be intimate but I was not going to let that happen.

He pulled a beer out of his bag and I asked him not to drink because I wanted him to be able to get himself home. Thankfully, he listened.

I sent him on his way about a half hour ago. I'm happy to have not felt any pressure to keep him here. I deserve to have peace in my home and in my heart.

I don't know when I will be able to completely cut communication with him, but this feels like a step in the right direction. Making sure I was taking care of myself was more important than his drinking.

Of course my mind wanders to whether he went to another woman's place or a bar, but that is his decision to make.

I'm, again, grateful for seeking help, for going to meeting, and for making the right choices for myself.

Good night,

Goodstitch