It isn't about what he does or doesn't do now. It's about you and your values. One person could live with the situation; another couldn't. Your plan to seek outside support and perspective, self-education and awareness, to help you sort out what's important to YOU is a good one.

Neagrm, thanks for reinforcing that it's not a black and white situation w/one right answer. I really need to work at keeping that in mind. I'm someone who likes a clear-cut, no-doubt, RIGHT answer w/an action that can be executed promptly, and as so many here have said, this is not a situation like that.

I guess what they have told me is that mostly LIFE is not like that....? Time to work on "just sitting there" rather than "doing something."

Oh yes, the "Don't just do something, stand there!" approach is actually perfectly fine! You don't have to do something for the sake of doing something. If you're not sure of the right decision, deciding to not do anything is actually a decision. You will know what feels right for you.

Went to an open meeting last night and the Alanon speaker there touched repeatedly on letting people make their own decisions (and mistakes, if that's what they turn out to be) and how she had eventually learned to wait to make a decision if she wasn't sure. It certainly seems that's the main thing I'm being told, here and elsewhere, to wait, to look for guidance, to decide what's important to me, to work on myself and meanwhile listen to hear what's right and WHEN it's right.

I did reasonably well yesterday and so far today (well, it's early, I can still go crazy if I want to....!) and have a meeting this evening. Will keep on listening.

OK, A is home from his meeting and announced that he bought a bottle on the way home. He says he has to "satisfy his curiosity regarding whether or not he is an alcoholic." Seems there are some pretty good clues in front of his face, but I guess we see what we want to see.

He told me this AM that he was only in AA years ago before we met b/c at that time (mid 80s?) his problem was cocaine and the CA/NA groups were fairly new and not that good. A friend told him to try an AA group, as they were far more established and stronger, and rather than talking specifically about drinking or doing cocaine, to just use the term "using" but apply everything else. There is absolutely nothing to make me believe he has ever gone back to any drug use, but I feel that the addictive tendency or whatever you want to call it is there and whether alcohol was a problem then or not, it has become one now.

I don't have a lot of hope for things working out at this point (but am trying to detach and keep an open mind, as you all counseled) simply due to the fact that his view of what has been going on is so distorted. He told me several times this AM that "I have not lied to you since all of this started", with "all of this" being my finding a $200 withdrawal from savings in late January for nothing that I knew about. I mentioned, very clearly, I thought, the specific occasions he had been obviously drunk and had made claims regarding "I threw out the rest of the bottle", then being equally and obviously just as drunk the next night or 2 nights later and and stating "no, I didn't throw out the bottle, I lied", the most recent of which was 11 days ago. A little later in the conversation (which HE initiated), he again stated that he hadn't lied "since all this started." I AGAIN told him, yes, you have, the most recent being less than 2 weeks ago. So clearly we are on 2 different pages--he thinks he has been completely honest for over 6 weeks, and what is MY problem?, while I'm absolutely clear on the fact that he has only been not lying (maybe) for 11 days.

I am very UNserene and UNdetached right now. Breathing, breathing. I have to concentrate on getting back to work. "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change..."

And I am NOT going to cry, enough feeling sorry for myself! Life goes on and this too shall pass. So many others have it so much worse.