my hubby is a high functioning alcoholic
 

Just came to the realization recently that my hubby is a HFA. I let all my stress about his drinking go cuz i know it doesnt matter what i say. On the couple days of the week that he doesnt drink, he nit picks everything i do. When he is drinking he goes from really nice to someone who is so miserable. I am so tired of seeing him drink all the time and dealing with the mood swings. I dont even know who my husband is anymore. I feel like i need to leave him but my family lives in another state 24 hours away an we have a son. I feel so alone in our marriage. I lost my rock, my best friend. I dont know what to do.

I tend to doubt there is such a thing as a "high functioning alcoholic"--that's usually a temporary stage on the way to "completely non-functioning." When I quit drinking I still had all the "stuff"--responsible job, own home, car, no jail, hospitalizations, duis, etc. But I was a complete mess inside and if I hadn't quit drinking the "stuff" would have eventually fallen apart, too.

I suggest you find an Al-Anon meeting. It will be very comforting to be with others who TOTALLY get how you feel, and it will help you to get centered so you can make good decisions about your life. Nobody will tell you to stay or to go--that's a decision only you can make. First thing, though, is to get your feet on the ground.

Welcome, glad you found us.

You're not alone. Your story sounds a lot like mine. From my experience, I agree with LexieCat...that "high functioning" period invariably leads to a chaotic downward spiral if drinking continues. It's up to you whether to stay or go. I stayed, but I nearly lost myself in the process, and I don't know if I would have stayed much longer if AH hadn't reached out for help.

First things first - take care of YOU. Whether it's going to Al-Anon or reaching out to family & friends, build yourself a support network. It's so easy to feel alone, especially when you're geographically isolated from family, but you are very much not alone.

As I have said many times, functional is not a type of alcoholism, it is a stage of alcoholism. Left untreated it will get much worse.

Welcome to the SR family!

I'm glad you are here, but sorry for the reason that brought you here. This is a wonderful resource of support, information and encouragement. We understand.

I understand feeling like I was alone in a relationship with an active alcoholic. I was also a single parent while living with an active alcoholic.

Stick around. Read, vent, and post as often as needed. You are not alone!

Some of our stories are in the permanent posts at the top of this main forum page. Those posts are called the Sticky Posts. Stickies are at the top of each section of this website. I always find wisdom in those sticky posts.

Here is one of my favorites. Following these steps helped me while living with active alcoholism:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

My definition of a highly functional alcoholic is an alcoholic who carries out normal activities and is in deep denial.
It will get worse if untreated so it will become dysfunctional.
You may need to take steps to focus on yourself so you are not so lonely.
You have a life to lead, you deserve it.
Hugs, its a horrible disease.
:ghug3

Hopes, being isolated with an alcoholic is so painful. Anyone who has not lived it would ever know how stressful and chaotic and emotionally damaging it is. People on the outside see the "functioning" alcoholic, but the people who live at home have to watch him metamorphose into an entirely different person who is generally hateful, bitter, and dangerous.

It is good you have found us and I hope we can offer you good support. As mentioned by others, you really do very much need to try Al-Anon meetings. They last an hour. No one has to know your last name or who your alcoholic husband is. You do not have to talk or explain why you are there. You can just listen. The meetings follow a structured outline which is the same the world over. Some people at the meetings are new. Others at the meetings have been attending perhaps 10 or 20 years. There are free pamphlets on alcoholism and the family. There are good books on recovery. If you attend a meeting or two each week, I promise you that for the hour you are there, you will feel peace. You will feel safe. And over time, your own answers to your situation will come, as you begin to reconnect with your inner voice which you have not been able to hear for so long.

Things can get better. But recovery is a choice and it takes some action on our part. I hope you will try some meetings, you can shop around until you find the group for you.

They say that recovery for the alcoholic almost always begins with recovery in the family. So you can take that first step and see what unfolds. Give your Higher Power several months to work with you.

Good luck and welcome to SR.

High functioning alcoholic today=Non functioning alcoholic tomorrow.

This is a progressive disease, if left untreated will get worse.

Takes some time to read the stickeys at the top of this forum and cynical one's blogs. Also, if you haven't done so, Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie.

Keep posting, it will help.

thank you everyone
 

wow, i never expected to get so many responses. i started to tear up because i feel like i finally have friends (you guys) who i can talk to and who understand exactly what i am going through. i know i need to work on myself and get me to be strong. i have to say that just as i told myself that i wasn't going to comment on his drinking anymore to him i immediately felt a weight lifted off my sholders. its like something clicked inside me and told me that i was not incontrol of his drinking so i should stop obsessing over it cuz it's causing me way to much stress. I wonder what my inner voice will tell me next. i will definitely keep coming back to this website. i feel like this is really gonna help me. thanks you guys and have a great day! by the way, should i tell my husband that i am part of this website now or just leave it to myself?

What is your point in telling him? What are your expectations if you do tell him?

I don't know that telling him would do anything positive. I eventually told my AH that I was frequenting a support site - mainly because as we talked about things, he'd say that it sounded like I knew what I was talking about and he was curious how that had come to be. I don't recall ever specifically telling him that I was on this site, but I think I did suggest that he find an online support group as part of his healing.

Also...if he's in denial, and/or if he gets belligerent when he's drunk, then telling him almost certainly will result in conflict. The choice is yours, but I say follow your gut. If he's in a mood, back off - nothing good will come of divulging that you're seeking support; if you feel like he's in a good place, then maybe it can be the start of a good conversation.

I remember telling myself the same thing, even the therapist told him that he didn't drink to get drunk anymore, he drank to be sober... He could still get up and do things but never sober. What started off as a way to take the edge off eventually became his every waking thought. He to could be nice, until you set him off... hoped and prayed he wouldn't black out. That demon is one I pray I never meet again.

I found that telling my RAH anything when he was actively drinking only led to fights, a lot of harsh words, things being twisted and thrown back in my face. I realized that he didn't care, even when the nicer of his demons were out.... I had held out hope that somewhere inside there was a sober part of him, the man I knew was hiding in there, listening and taking down notes for him to go over later but in the end I found out I was fooling myself.

Surround yourself with your loved ones, fill yourself with knowledge. You have to take care of yourself. If your AH is anything like mine and most others, you are pretty far down on the totem pole, make yourself and the baby a priority to you.

There was a helpful thread about this very thing recently which helped me make the decision not to tell my partner about this forum -
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...und-forum.html

Like I imagine you feel, I thought that by telling him he would have a similar sense of support from the alcoholics section, and hopefully gain insight into my situation by reading the threads of others in this section.

But, I realise now that this is the only support I have so I am going to hang onto it. If I thought he read my posts, it would limit what I say, and therefore limit my support. On top of that, he would inevitably get angry by the truths coming out. They're not so easy to ignore when they're out there in cyberspace and people comment on them. I also don't think he is likely to use the alcholics forum. If he gets to a place where he really wants to find this sort of support, he will find this forum just as I have.

Glad you have joined us. There is a lot of information in these threads and I literally learn something new from them every day. Best of luck.

Hopes,
You are definetly not alone. We are here for you and we get it.
It's just my two cents, but I would wait a while before you even consider whether or not to tell him. Give yourself a little time to talk things out here and get some feedback before you involve him. Let yourself have something that is for you. That's what this is really about.
Telling him won't change him and his drinking. You will learn a lot from reading here (I sure have). In particular, the three Cs:
You didn't cause it
You can't cure it and
You can't control it

You say your AH is "high functioning" - in what way? How is he functioning as your life partner? Is your family life functional?
I used to believe in that term "high functioning" - but now I agree that it is just a stage of the disease.

Keep posting, we care about you.
Take good care of yourself.
Hugs,
MamaKit

If you tell him......?

We have a practice called Play the Tape Forward.

If you told him you were getting support from an internet support site, his reactions may be _____________________.

Some common reactions: angry, threatened, blame-shift the problem to you, and use this as another reason to get drunk.

Some magical thinking ideas of what might happen: he will suddenly reazile he has a problem, he will suddenly begin to see how his drinking is uppsetting you, he will beg your forgiveness, he will magically become the man you want him to be.

Because the common reactions are the experience most of us have when our Alcoholics find out we are getting support for ourselves, I recommend you lock your computer with a password and always log off when you walk away from the computer.

Alcoholics don't respond well to finding out that their status quo of *whatever I feel like doing, whenever I want, and your feelings don't matter* begins to change.

The 3 C's:

You did not CAUSE this
You can not CONTROL this
You will not CURE this.

Alanon, SR reading/posting, and self-improvement books are actions you take to help yourself. You are worth the effort!

"should i tell my husband that i am part of this website now or just leave it to myself? "

I have always considered this forum my safe haven, so I keep it to myself. I am here for me, not the "A" in my life.

Blasted magical thinking!

GREAT feedback on the "should I tell him I'm getting support" question.

It always helps me when I'm tempted to say something (sometimes even to consider it when I post here): what are my motives? And they aren't always as altruistic as I'd like to think they are.

I've learned that when my motives are suspect, I'm often better off just keeping my mouth shut.

I wont tell him about this website. I just didnt know whether or not you all have told your A that you are starting to get help for yourself. I guess the outcome would not be in my favor.

If you are going to meetings and he asks where you are going, you don't have to lie about it (again, unless he would have a violent reaction). I just wouldn't make a big announcement about it. It's your deal, not something he needs to understand or agree with.