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Nope we are total losers. DH called the place, they won't take him. We're not paying another cent or making any other plans for him. Already owe a lot of $$ to the last place. DH let him back in after him standing on the front porch for 3 hours in the cold. He did not want to call the police and make a scene. I couldn't fight - we are so close to our breaking points. My daughter is very upset that he is back in the house. And, I don't blame her. I do not want him here either. And, we got the worst news possible about him and his girlfriend. I think you can read between the lines. I hate my life and am disgusted with my son. He swears he's getting a sponsor tonight, AA 7 days a week, testing, etc. He's a liar- we'll see. We're going to try and come up with a plan to get him out of here. I know ... we are not doing what we are supposed to be doing. I know. :- ( |
Salvation Army adult rehab is a great program...and it's free! |
Originally Posted by HopefulmomtoD
(Post 3731717)
He just called me again (always me not his Dad). Almost crying, begging me to please help him. He doesn't know what to do. He "got my point". He knows he is an alcoholic and won't drink again. I told him we've done all we can do. That we've supported him, paid for expensive rehabs, and he chose to drink again knowing he would be kicked out if he did. Told him to call the AA hotline and tell them he needed help. He also has health insurance and can get help if he wants it. If he is telling the truth, the rehab/treatment facility called an ambulance and sent him to the the ER yesterday. He was discharged at ten pm last night and called me to tell me was cold and had no where to go. He is an extremely poor communicator- so I doubt he told them he wanted treatment or that he had no where to go. He spent the night as far as I can tell in the waiting room of the emergency room. He has no car. He had $3.00 on his debit card last time I looked. He does have a paycheck here in our mailbox. He probably has not eaten in 24 hours. He desperately wants his anti depressant meds. Please reinforce we are doing the right thing ... I know if we brought him back then nothing would change. You answered your own question. He has insurance. Bad communicator could have asked for help. Multiple rehabs you paid for. He chose to drink. Now he is doing what addicts do. They manipulate. He knows what he must do ......but is it what he wants to do? Keep your calm. He has to fall before he can want to pick himself up |
Originally Posted by HopefulmomtoD
(Post 3732252)
Nope we are total losers. DH called the place, they won't take him. We're not paying another cent or making any other plans for him. Already owe a lot of $$ to the last place. DH let him back in after him standing on the front porch for 3 hours in the cold. He did not want to call the police and make a scene. I couldn't fight - we are so close to our breaking points. My daughter is very upset that he is back in the house. And, I don't blame her. I do not want him here either. And, we got the worst news possible about him and his girlfriend. I think you can read between the lines. I hate my life and am disgusted with my son. He swears he's getting a sponsor tonight, AA 7 days a week, testing, etc. He's a liar- we'll see. We're going to try and come up with a plan to get him out of here. I know ... we are not doing what we are supposed to be doing. I know. :- ( How far along us the girlfriend? Does she use too? Hang in there |
Hydrogirl is correct. Theres his salvation... lol he has to want it though and sorry about what is going on in your life. Him having a baby is more reason to keep your boundaries strong. Not to enable. Let him fail. |
You're not losers. You're loving parents in a terrible situation. No one can truly tell you what to do, but you can gain insight from the wisdom on these pages. Your son seems to be able to get around when he needs to. He stayed out all night the other night. Managed to get to your house from the hospital. Addicts are the world's best manipulators. They can be very resourceful when they want to be. Just remember: You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Focus on what is best for your health and the health of your family. The answers will come. Prayers to you this Christmas. |
Originally Posted by PohsFriend
(Post 3732287)
Knock off the loser talk, you are doing the very best that you can. Look up the term "double bind" - its the psych term for a no win situation. How far along us the girlfriend? Does she use too? Hang in there I can barely breathe. |
Originally Posted by HopefulmomtoD
(Post 3732328)
Thanks, PohsFriend. I am just so disgusted with myself for caving, but mostly with the situation. I can not believe either one of them got themselves in this situation. For God's sake he's only been home from rehab for 5 weeks! As far as I know, she does not use. He was scared to death to let her know that he was drinking again. However, she's very young and works a minimum wage job. His job ends after this week. Neither one has a place to live or a car. What the ****???? And, he is an ALCOHOLIC!! I can barely breathe. Baby boy is wrapped around my neck sleeping while my recovering wife gets some sleep. Parenthood has been transformational for her. I've caved some too here and there... Progress, not perfection. Just a thought - might be a good time to embrace the GF, like it or not she is family and better if she is shoulder to shoulder with you delivering the "you must get help or get out! " message. She needs help right now too and you can do that without torturing yourself for enabling. Hang in there. Baby may have poor timing but it's a baby, not a disaster. Laying here with him and both dogs pinning me down is my happy place. My wife drank 4 days out of the last year after 4 hospitalizations the prior year. Parenthood has a ...,sobering effect on people. Congratulations nana! May as well celebrate the little angel. Try not to catastrophise, he relapsed. He's going back into some form of treatment ASAP... I get the frantic urge to take action... But lately a phrase I learned here is helping me: "don't just do something, Stand There!". You won't solve it all today |
You're probably right ... but, oh gosh, I'm so not there yet. I do not think this girl is good for him, but too late now. You have a way to support your child. These two have nothing and he can not even come close to taking care of himself. I pray this makes him grow up, but, honestly, I doubt it. And, who will suffer? The innocent baby. This is such a sore spot with me. Babies deserve to be raised by two loving mature people. |
Hello Hopeful....I'm so sorry that there is so much drama going on this evening. Try to breathe, and slow down, and realize that Rome was not built in a day. Perhaps after everyone has had a good night's rest, then you can all sit down and draw up in writing a firm set of boundaries. This can include where you will take him if he is found with alcohol again--homeless shelter, Salvation Army, hospital, wherever you mutually decide. You might decide that he does indeed have to leave tomorrow, but none of this has to be decided right now--tonight. Perhaps another plan can be discussed tomorrow about what he intends to do to support his child. If it were me, I would make it very clear that I would not provide financial support or free daycare because he and his girlfriend are perfectly capable of doing so themselves. I'm so sorry for your evening, and I hope that rest comes for you all tonight! Please do take care!! |
Hopefulmom. I know exactly how you feel right now about this baby. Not very long ago, I found out that my 15 year old is pregnant! AUGH!!!!!!!! I was so p!ssed because I tried to get her dad to stop being a douche and he couldn't pull his head out of his ass and see this coming! I'm going to be 35 and a grandma very soon! I swore if anyone congratulated me, I'd kick them in the knee caps! That anger and sadness has left me now. I have to accept this baby just as much as my daughter does because guess what?! I, my husband, her father and both grandmothers to my daughter (great grandmothers now) are going to be supporting this baby and her. The doner has split. He says it isn't his. It's not fawking shocking. She's not the first and certainly won't be the last. Hey, I'm sorry. But you are not a loser. Your son needs to pull his head out of his ass and be a MAN! (That's what I tell my AH... Pull your damn head out of your ass and stop being a fool! Grow the fawk up! Ghesh!) |
Oh and ya know what.... This baby is gonna chin check my daughter with a whooping dose of reality and I'm gonna sit back and watch. I will be there for her but she's gonna toe the line. |
Life is Wierd ... congrats on ten years clean and sober. And, lol, about your Mom still checking up on you. |
BoxinRotz ... Okay, you get my stress level! Fifteen? Oh my. My youngest is that age and still plays with toys (well you know what I mean .....) How old is the father? |
He's 16. If you want something to totally blow your mind about what his mom said to me over the phone before she got pregnant, PM me. |
HopefulmomtoD - I have a 21yo (trying to recover) AS. I am pretty new to this so I have a bit of a different take on this. As I type this my son is sitting on the sofa beside me watching The Grinch with the family. My son doesn't live here now but because of the holidays he feels to vulnerable to stay at his place in fear of slipping up which he did a few days ago and called me to come get him. I have always told him I will not live with an active alcoholic and I won't. But I am his mother and as long as he is truly trying and working his program and attending AA and counseling I will always be his soft place to land. I don't know your whole story and how much you have gone through with your son so I can only tell you from my perspective with my son. I would allow him home over the holidays and give him a warm meal and a bed. This is what I did with my son a few months back. I would set up a meeting time for tomorrow and have a list of what you expect and how long he can stay. We wrote a contract with my son and it has about 10 points on it. When he chose to leave we let him know that he was making that choice that we weren't kicking him out. I must say that my son wants help and truly wants to get sober and stay sober. It is a process and even though I felt like he should just stop the disease tells him otherwise. I know that what I am saying is pretty much against the advice from the long timers on this site but if you believe your son is trying then be his soft place to land. Set strong and firm boundaries and once you say it follow through (make sure it is in writing) but let him know that you are his mother and the love you have for him is impossible for him to understand until his little one is born. I'll be saying a prayer for your entire family tonight. |
Each person has to determine for themselves what is the best path for them in their relationship with their loved one who is using alcohol or drugs. It is never cookie cutter, 1,2,3... Educating yourself about addiction, codependency and working your own recovery give you a leg up on wise decision making. There is nothing wrong with setting up rigid, strong boundaries and standards for recovery for a loved one but it does put extra stresses on the family and forcing recovery has much lower success rates than self motivated recovery efforts. But... getting an addicts head full of recovery and AA does have an impact and it makes getting high a lot less fun... my XA told me that AA and recovery ruined his addiction :) |
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