Almost hoping he will relapse
 

I realise this makes me sound awful, and I really want ABF to stay sober (or dry...? I'm new to the lingo), and for us to have the happy life I once imagined we could have.

But I find myself really almost hoping he will relapse so I can leave him and finally get on with my life.

I left ABF on account of his drinking, and returned on the proviso he would never drink one sip of alcohol again. It's only been about three weeks but he has been seeing a therapist and is doing very well. I should say, that he has broken a million different promises in the past, including a million more about controlling his drinking, cutting down etc etc, which obviously never happened. However, he has never actually quit or sought help before. He is actually afraid of therapists.

But I am tired of this life of worry. Before, it was worry about what would happen when he drank. At least that was a sure thing. Now, I am in this limbo where I can't get on with my life or be comfortable as he could drink again. How much more of my life do I waste waiting?

Does it make me a bad person to feel like this? There are just no guarantees in this situation. And while I accept that there are no guarantees in life (my last partner died of cancer, and while it has been very sad I don't ever get angry about it or ask "why me"), I'm not sure I can accept this life where the fate of my, our, and our potential future children's lives rest in his hands only.

Why don't you just leave? If the outlook on your relationship looks like this, just do yourself and him a favor and call it quits. It's not fair to either one of you and if you hold on to these feelings, it sets the mood for a doomed relationship IMO.

Just leave. Cut your losses. Go. I'm sure he will survive without you. Don't wait for him to relapse...

Why don't all of us just leave? Because I love him.

Hi Audrey1,

I think I get it. I have felt like you before, but in a relationship with a non-alcoholic man. I felt like the relationship wasn't 'bad enough' for me to have a 'good enough' reason to end it. In a way, I was giving control of my life to someone else because I wouldn't take any action or make a decision for my own life unless prompted by something he did. I thought that if I did not have a clear-cut reason for ending it, then I was a bad person--so I stayed too long.

I can't and won't tell you to stay or go. Maybe just take each day as it comes and see what happens--see how you feel as time goes on. I don't think any decision has to be made right now, does it?

I hope things improve for you soon! HG

Hi Audrey, I think you know you're not a bad person. You're scared to let yourself hope because you love him and he's let you down in the past. If you allow yourself to hope the let-down will be even more devastating.
I hope putting the post out there has helped you clarify your thoughts. There's probably no easy answer except time. Can you talk to your BF? Or if he can't handle it yet, a counsellor or Alanon. All the best, I hope you hang in there and your BF stays sober. There are plenty of happy stories on this website.

You are not a bad person, speaking for myself, it just gets old. Waiting, watching, hoping, then having the rug pulled out from under you, over and over again.

If your boundry is "when/if" he drinks again, it's over, then that is what it should be, say what you mean and mean what you say.

Unfortunately, when one makes the choice to stay with someone who has addiction issues, the worry...never ends.

He's accomplishing his commitment to you up to this point. Your commitment was to stay as long as he didn't drink.

Maybe the lesson in this is to not give your word on things so easily.

I am sorry but just can't imagine wishing relapse on my AH.

Hi Audrey, I totally get where you are coming from. I don't really have any experience to share as the thoughts of leaving didn't happen until my AW had a major relapse.

If you were my daughter my advice would be you are allowed to put your own happiness first. Relationships are built on trust and I don't believe you trust him and I understand what it is like to be in a relationship where you are always waiting for the other shoe to drop. If you can find happiness with him then stay and if you can't then leave. It's not a decision you have to make now and to be honest it doesn't depend on his drinking or not drinking.

Your friend,

Thanks, Mike. I'm glad someone understands.

It's not just that I am tired of his promises. It's also not that I don't want to support him. But the last time he drank, I was pushed to the point of shaking through the night with a can of mace in hand wondering what he was going to do to me as he went on a rampage downstairs.

This is something that people with non-abusive alcoholic partners fail to understand. Trust is not something that can be achieved immediately once a promise for sobriety is made, as one slip and I face the same nightmarish situation again. Or worse. He insists on my trust, just as several of the people who have posted replies to this thread have insisted, but it's really not that easy.

Then again, giving up completely and leaving someone you love and who claims his happiness depends on you staying isn't either. Therein lies the problem.

I know exactly what you are talking about. You can search some of my first posts to read the replies that I found so supportive.

Give yourself permission to honor yourself, your truths, your history with this man, and for being human. It is OK to make mistakes. It is OK to change your mind. Give yourself permission to make choices that bring you peace, safety, and security. No one else can do that for you. It is your responsibility. Base these decisions on what you need and what you know, not on what someone else promises or wants.

We do not have to keep every promise that we make if those promises came from fear, dysfunction, guilt, or obligation.

It is ok to walk away forever. It is ok to live apart and wait and see. It is ok to stay. There are other options. Maybe you could see a counselor on your own to help you untangle them?

Audrey, Are you working on you? Seeing a therapist, Alanon, or maybe even reading about codependency??

I wouldn't ever wish a relapse on my husband or anyone else but I wont stay just because he is clean and sober either. When I finally accepted his recovery is his to deal with and that I am powerless, it let go of much of my anxiety.

For me, I have decided I will make a decision when I am healthy, so I can make a healthy decision...otherwise I will just continue the cycle of unhealthy relationships in my life.

Stay focused on you and you fill much better...no matter what you decide!!

I think a lot of us focus on the question of "Is it bad enough to leave?" rather than "Is it good enough to stay?" I know I didn't leave until it was "bad enough" and sometimes I really regret that lost time... But it's a part of me, now, and where I came from is a large part of the wonderful person I am today.

That said, the decision really is up to you, and you are not a bad person for hoping he'll just do something to make the decision easy. That's what I waited for before I left, and I do believe that I am not in the minority on that point. It's easier to say we left because of someone else, it's their fault... But there is nothing wrong with saying it was your decision.

If you choose to stay, make sure you have your boundaries in place to keep you safe. Trust once lost needs to be earned, and he needs to understand that it's not going to be simple or fast.
If you choose to leave, make sure you recognize that his choices are his alone and you are not to blame for any choices he makes, even if he says you are.

Either way, you can change your mind at any point. You don't have to justify your decisions, and you don't have to stick to the same one for the rest of your life either. Whatever you decide is not set in stone unless you decide it is. :-)

Thanks, guys.

Just to clarify, as I think some people have the wrong idea, I do not "wish" relapse on ABF. I would never wish something like that. I just said I am "almost hoping". Maybe this doesn't really get my thoughts across well. It's almost like when he was drinking I "almost hoped" he would beat me up so I could leave.

I am in a very difficult position as I am a foreigner in his country, where few people speak English. Obviously I am trying to learn his language, but this is slow-going. I also live in a remote village, where no one speaks English. So even if there were English-language Al Anon meetings, or an English-speaking counsellor I could see, it would be too difficult to get there. His family are all big drinkers too (and don't speak English), and some are alcoholics themselves. It is considered normal. So there is no support from them either.

So Sober Recovery is basically it for me.

Only you can answer that question.

Life isn't a dress rehearsal; we get one shot at it.

When I stopped living my life for others and started living for me, life did get better.

Sending you hugs of support! :hug:

Lol. Easier said than done isn't it?

So we each find our own answer to the what-if question Audrey.

I read your last thread ad there is a lot to get over isn't there? A couple thoughts for you:

1. I have spent enough time here and at AA and alanon meetings to see certain patterns. The alcoholism does not EXCUSE bad behavior but when you see it in twenty different stories here you can EXPLAIN which behavior is alcoholism related and which is the underlying person. I pretty much forgive all the illness related stuff.

2. What about the future? Well, I wrestled hard with whether to stick it out or not a year ago. When I left the house this morning she was holding the baby against her and they were sleeping soundly and sober - I'm glad I hung in. My wife was never mean as a drinker, she was incomprehensible sad and scared. ...but it was crazy and chaotic. So over the past year we've had two 'minor' relapses. One of one day, one of three days and neither was a binge and she was not out of control - in fact it was right in front of my nose and I never saw it. The drunken behavior stopped on 12/26 last year and never started again. I am constantly reminded that she may relapse any day, everything could go wrong, etcetera. So ...how to live with that?
I set expectations, maybe a boundary maybe an ultimatum but my boundimatum works for me. I won't live with an active addict in the house with my kids, nor would I for long of I did not have kids. I adore my wife and would kill for her or die for her but I will not sit there and watch her die because she decides to kill herself with alcohol. If she drinks it is her choice, rehab or somewhere else but she will leave and the baby will not as long as she is drinking. A million things COULD happen but I can control what I can and can't worry about the things I can't control. Let's say she is fine for the next X years then has a terrible relapse. If I'm optimistic I enjoy every day until then and I'd I am pessimistic I will be miserable the whole time. I'm optimistic.

3. Do you want this life? Sobriety takes hard work. I believe that our mutual and individual paths through recovery are making us better human beings and happier ones. I am at peace with my choice and not resentful of her because I can't drink at home, I don't have wine when we go out which I used to enjoy and a lot of our social life evolves around AA. Its fine with me but may not be with you.

So I think the first part is whether or not the sober (sober means not using and not freaking out, dry usually refers to not drinking but not getting help - gutting through it or 'white knuckling') person is someone you respect and admire and love. If not, the rest is way too hard and anyone would be wise to find an easier life. In my case my wife is worth it. I am helping her by working on being better myself and being supportive without enabling (tightrope!) as best I can.

We are very happy, I am hopeful. She could blow it all up I. The future but she may not and tomorrow is never promised to any of us. I have to live here I. The present. The present is wonderful. Easy? No, year one onion recovery has been hell at times but we each decide what the goal is worth. My wife and I spent a few years falling in lov before we were able to start dating and we had drama of the future. When reality intrudes on that fantasy world of ideal love it kinda sucked but we are building a real foundation of a healthy relationship one day at a time.

Today is a good day. Wife is sober and has been 93 days and all but 4 days since 12/26/11. Our son is her pride and joy and she is a great mom. I'm realistic and happy - life is good and gettin better.

Hope that helps a little from someone a year ahead of you..

Audrey-I can totally understand how you feel. With my abf just getting out of rehab last night I am a bit crazed at the moment. Thank goodness for my fave al anon meetin being tonight. I have a lot of fear of relapse, but I don't think that will change until he has at least a month or two under his belt. I am sticking it out for now but taking one day at a time. The bigger issue I see for you (I believe the other thread I read was yours) is te physical abuse. My abf was never a mean drunk
Or an abusive drunk. He just got goofy as then felt sick the next day so he drank to make the pain go away. That said he has pancreatitis so If he doesn't stop drinking he will kill himself. I have told him I will not bury him. If I find out he is drinking again I am gone. I am ok with a one or two day slip as long as he is honest with me and gets right back on track. So at this time-I have to just live one day at a time and see what happens and continue to hope for his recovery. However-if he is abusing you and that doesn't stop with sobriety then you need to leave. Please take care of yourself.

At the same time-pohs friend, your advice is very helpful. Can you go into the first year "hells" a bit? What can I expect?

Audrey, PohsFriend has a good point there about the underlying person.

Is there too much damage to go back to the way things once were when you were happy with him?
If you are afraid you might need a can of mace at some point in your future, that is no way to live. I would exit the relationship at that point. Should the relationship repair itself while living apart, fine. But living with a can of mace is no way for you to live, in that kind of fear. There may simply be too much damage, Audrey. Some things can't be undone, even with good future behavior. If you fear for your safety, then that line has been crossed.

Thanks, Bamboo.

I am also really appreciating yout advice, Pohs friend, and would also be very interested to know more about your first year with as much detail as possible.

As I said, it's really early days now at less than a month of sobriety. But with Christmas coming up the tension is definitely building. I'm guessing you're feeling that too, Bamboo.