Being honest with myself
 

I am going to my first Al-Anon meeting today. Nervous-happy-scared-hopeful.

I have done a lot of reading on what I am going through & the role I played. I did turn in to a codependent in most ways. Yes, he did ask for my help & I was naive at first but I should never have let it spiral the way it did.
One of the things I am doing to prepare for the meeting as well as heal me is being HONEST with myself.

I can recall a number of times I thought to myself or said to my AH "I feel like I'm playing the role of the victim & I never have been a victim". I can recall a number of times thinking to myself that I deserve better but felt stuck financially & legally & stayed. I recall a number of times feeling like I wish I'd never met him & he would just disappear.
But I didn't end it... I kept trying to FIX it. Don't get me wrong, I was/am very in love with my husband but what I realize is- that person isn't around any more.

I recall after each return from the "vanishing husband" routine that he would cry & tell me he didn't deserve me. Is this true? I don't think so but I think it's his way of understanding he can't be anything for anyone as the only time he is happy is after a few drinks...which turn in to a lot of drinks...which turns in to self hate & taking it out on me. It's all very heart breaking & HE deserves better. I hope he finds his smile again someday...

So... I have high hopes that today will be a good day. I plan on learning/listening to as much as I can absorb at the meeting, hopeful to hear from that job today & spending time on the finishing touches of my apartment. Another thing(s) I enjoy & have stopped doing because I've been so wrapped up in fixing & depression is taking random pictures while walking around the city & working on art. Being depressed & consumed with my AH has made my creative side completely disappear. I miss it! So today I also plan on trying to do something creative. So far each time I do try I just stare, waiting to have some inspiration & never do. I know I can get it back, it's something I love & will keep staring until something happens. :)

It WILL be a good day for you! Glad to read this Rainee :grouphug: You're making amazing progress! Life's got lots of great surprises for you to discover as you navigate this new path with your head held up.
One of the best things I did in my codie recovery was to get completely honest with myself. It wasn't a walk in the park but facing myself & my own past was one of the necessary catalysts for my new fantastic life :a122:

Good for you rainiee!!! You're getting it so well and so early. :)

Just remember these Al-Anon slogans for your meeting and recovery program:
Also check out the readings in Courage to Change, pages 71 & 292.

Attend at least six meetings and try different groups.

Peace. :)

Well crap!! The meeting is in 10 minutes and my friend taking me isn't coming (had to call & see if she was on the way) now. I don't have a car & can't make it in time now.

My instant reaction was wanting to cry out of frustration & disappointment. I do feel like she gave me a song & dance. However... I feel that this gut reaction feelings I'm having is based on my emotions running FAR to high right now & the fact that I am emotionally unhealthy right now. I'm going to use this as a learning tool of "If I want something it's up to ME to do it & don't be disappointed in others for letting you down". Who knows why she blew me off after she offered to do this. I have no idea what is going on in her life & have no control over it.

So, there is another meeting tomorrow within walking distance of me & I will go to that tomorrow, on my own, as I am in control of MY reality. Right now I crave if I'm going to feel disappointment it is not because of any other reason than I let myself down.

I do truly hate every minute of what is happening as does anyone else in my shoes or similar & look forward to looking back on all this in a healthy way some day. GRR!

Sorry to hear that rainiee but, on the bright side, you have a great recovery attitude! :)

You can hear Al-Anon step or topical podcasts online anytime. You also can download them to your smartphone or iPod so you have them on-the-go whenever you need them. The iTunes Store has step podcasts free as well.

Online. Just press the Play arrow and then "Listen and Learn" here:

Using Al-Anon's Steps in Our Personal Lives

&

First Steps to Al-Anon Recovery

Way to take the unexpected cancellation in stride!