Do they have any emotion other than anger?
 

Part of me wonders if that's all he feels anymore. I brought up him saying that he hates me last night and he responded with "I hate when you bring that stuff up, it makes me feel like crap" he actually looked like he had a face of shame but it's so hard to tell what's real with him if anything other than anger and I know it's real because he spews it everywhere. Always wondering if he is just trying to manipulate and lie is exhausting, you shouldn't have to worry about that with a PARTNER but I forgot I don't have that.....

Are you tired yet? Very, very, tired?
Then take care of you...trying to climb into his brain and figure out his emotions will be an exhausting path for you for sure, and a very unsuccesful path too...you will never get there because you are not him, you are you.
He's human, he has other emotions for sure. He chooses which ones he shares with you.
What are you doing today to take care of your emotions? That's where your power is...find the path to your own peace of mind.

My A had anger and humor. I didn't see much else after a certain point.
I focused on this fact/perception for a long, long, time. Made of Glass, is spot on. Focus on your emotions. You'll tie yourself in knot's thinking of his.
Best,
MamaKit

I think they have a ton of emotions, but anger is the easiest, especially when there is someone there who always seems to be trying to draw out the other ones. So the answer is to drink more and try not to feel anything.

I think the questions aren't what are they feeling, or is it real -- but what are YOU feeling? You KNOW that's real. And if anger is as good as it gets, is that good enough for you? Has anything you've said or done made a difference? Are you getting what you want and need?

My Wife seems to be constantly angry anymore about everything. And especially angry that I taked to our priest about her drinking (oh yeah - she found that out by snooping my email account), angry at her job, angry because she's not boozing as much lately and I'm sure that's my fault too.

I think I'm going to post about how tiring it is.

I guess I am having a hard time deataching and focusing on me while still living with him. I don't know how to help myself get better while I am still dealing with him and his drinking. As much as I don't want his actions and attitude to effect me, it's does and I don't see how I can make it not as long as we live together. I am confused as to how to deal with my emotions, I know how I feel at any given moment but I'm not sure what to do with them. I kinda feel damned if I do and damned if I don't at this point.

Are we the same person?
 

Except I'm a guy and you're female. I just started a thread about how tired I am, and your post sounds like something I could have written to a "T". As much as I'm trying to detach and not get into the emotional aspect of things, it's hard when you are human and have feelings and emotions. I thought I was getting better - but today I'm not so sure.

I totally understand that. I tried to detach and stay together for way way to long. I never figured out how to make that work. He thought it was great because I ignored everything he did. No nagging, no complaining, no nothing. There were no arguments. I however was getting eaten alive by resentments and was utterly exhausted in every way imaginable just trying to keep all the balls in the air. I had all sorts of stress related health issues. I was very depressed. I had no joy - which meant there were four kids with an alcoholic father and a very very tired, very very stressed, and very very unhappy mother. I was completely out of touch with my feelings. I over reacted to inappropriate things and under-reacted to important things.

I read through your old posts. I want to gently suggest that you contact a Domestic Violence hotline to explore what kinds of support would be out there if you were to decide to separate for awhile.

Based on my experience I think you'll find you can really focus on yourself and your well being if you just have a home that is all yours full of freedoms, solitude, and peace.

Personally there was some immediate relief that was very important but it took 6 months to find some kind of equilibrium and start doing any real work on my well being.

This is exactly how I feel, if I detach he is on cloud 9 while I am doing everything alone and killing myself trying to keep all as it should be. I'm just tired. I need some peace, some time and space to just stop stressing and get away from the craziness. My head feels like is spinning in circles as fast as it possibly can at times and I get overwhelmed all while I have to sit and watch him live in ABF land without a care in the world. I just want to be alone, I already am in so many ways that being physically alone in my own place would be amazing. Unfortunetly I don't have te means to do that at this time so I am just trying to stay afloat the best I can.

CentralOhioDad, I am very sorry that you are unfortunate enough to be experiencing the same feelings I am. It isn't something I would wish on my worst enemy and I hope your day brightens up.

What do you feel is wrong with him saying "he responded with "I hate when you bring that stuff up, it makes me feel like crap" "? Shame is a huge part of the life of an addict.

You ask such a good question - how to get yourself emotionally well. It's work. For me, it's been about reading many great books, going into therapy, looking at my own past and issues. Working on letting go of his problems, they're not my job to fix. Therapy helped me a lot, but you have to find a remarkable therapist. If you can't afford it - go to Alanon. It's free. And the focus is you. How to get you well. How to live a full life.

I think you're really asking the "right" question! Good for you!

I think possibly we are not understanding what the word "detachment" means - ? I don't think it means taking over and doing everything. Actually, I think it's pretty much means the opposite of that. Let the balls fall at his feet and let him pick up the balls (sorry for the pun) that are his. You take care of yours. Does that makes sense?

Many times we do need to physically leave. Whether for a short time or forever but . . . learning to detach is such a valuable way to live on every single area of life, might as well use this opportunity to learn it, right?

Have you read Melanie Beattie's book "Codependent No More"? That book as an incredible start on this road. A life changer, IMO!!

I really do understand that feeling :hug:

I was really fortunate because I was already working and so I had more options.

That is why I suggested you contact a Domestic Violence center in your area. They can help you with the logistics of becoming independent as well as being safe. Your guy is a little unpredictable. I think it would be smart to have their input.

One of the important things SR taught me was that I don't need all the answers from now until the end to do something. I just had to do the next right thing. That is all and that wasn't quite as scary. I do that - and then the next right thing after that will be revealed when it is time - and I will do that. ,etc. etc. If I keep going, I will end up in a better place.

Anger is a secondary emotion. There's always some other emotion behind it.

I don't feel that there is really anything wrong with his response. I just can't ever tell if it is a honest answer or just a tactic to manipulate and guilt me into shutting up and leaving him alone. He never wants to talk about it and I guess it makes me angry because he should have to deal with the conscience of his actions. I might be taking "detachment" the wrong way, I seem to be struggling with the concept and never really fully understood plus I have to be careful not to set him off and cause more chaos. He knows that I'm not going to let the house turn into a crazy disgusting mess, that I am always going to take care of our daughter and all the pets. I can't drop those balls and he knows it. I'm actually reading codependent no more right now.

As for the DV hotline, places like that scare me. I am alway terrified they will step in wih my daughter or something. I have trust issues.

Good. It may help you to think of detachment with love as being compassionate while taking care of yourself.

"I hate when you bring that stuff up, it makes me feel like crap!"

"I understand why it would make you feel that way. I don't want you to feel bad. I don't want to feel bad either. We both want changes, and that's okay."

I'm sorry you are going through this - so hard, I know! I hope her book helps you!

Someone here alluded to domestic violence support? If you have any fear of being hurt or your child, I so hope you go and get the help you need! You know, that takes this to a whole other place . . .

Sending you support!!!!

We all experience these feelings at one time or another, I do and Ihave someone in my life who has been sober 3 decades.Figure that one out,all this stuff doesn,t seem tochange in sobriety either unfortunately.

It's hard to help my wounds heal when he just keeps cutting new ones. How do you detach from someone who has no purpose or goal other than driving you crazy when he is drunk? I can ignore him all I want, I can pretend not to care, and I can really not care but the fact is I still have to listen to his crap, watch him act like an idiot, and try to protect my daughter from the tornado that he creates. I'm not sure detachment while staying together is for me. Maybe I jyst need to do more research on what it means and better ways to implement it.

There have been bouts of voilence from him. It's been about a month or so since the last episode but everytime we argue I know the chance is there for him to lose it and act out phyiscally. He has never so much as raised a finger or his voice to our daughter and anytime things have gotten that bad between us has been late at night after she is in bed. Needless to say he is never left alone with her or anyone other than me really. His anger is really out of control, I don't remember what the argument was about but about 6 months ago he got so mad that he gave himself a black eye. I asked him the next morning when he had sobered up why he did it and he said that was the only way he could keep himself from attacking me. He is very close to crazy IMO.

I do not want to keep belaboring this so I promise this will be my last post on the topic.

If you go to a domestic violence center they will not take your daughter. They help you get yourself and your daughter - together to a safe home of your own.

You have to take that first step and call for that to be set into motion though. It is a way out when you are ready. Keep reading and keep posting. It is scary to take steps into the unknown and to shine lights on reality. We find some sort of comfort in what we know and sometimes things slowly evolve and we don't have a sense of how far they have gone. From my point of view - your living room seems like a very scary place. He is very unstable. You and your daughter deserve safety and peace and relief and he is taking that away from you.