A boundary = Our relationship's start date is being determined on a One Day at a Time basis.

Thanks Titanic...This means that our relationship doesn't START until I say it does?

So last night was very interesting. Went home, purchased Codependent No More on my Kindle, argued with ABF, then attended Alanon and afterwards read for about an hour.

My BF finally realized that I need to do what I need to do. To be honest, I am kind of over the relationship. Last night after Alanon he begged me to go to counseling together (He has always been opposed to counseling in the past). But I really think it is his last ditch effort to keep us together.

I'm feeling so disconnected from him right now. I just want him to leave so that I can focus on what I need to focus on (me!).

Now it just comes down to communicating this to him. I know he will try do anything to make me change my mind...you know how those As are. :(

Karin

It may help you to read the first few chapters of the AA Big Book online: Big Book Online Fourth Edition. The description of alcoholism may help you really get that alcoholism is a mental craving beyond the control of the alcoholic which causes the alcoholic to drink against his will.

If you do not fully surrender to this cold, hard fact of his addiction, you will be shocked, surprised, devastated, and broken again and again in this relationship.

And you may be a person of enough backbone to clean yourself up after the wreckage he creates in your life and move on.

But as someone who once had a little seven year old boy in the house of an alcoholic man, I can tell you from the bottom of my heart that your child will NOT have the backbone and will NOT get over the damage an alcoholic does to his fragile, defenseless psyche.

Please listen to me. I do not usually urge people to take action they are not yet ready to take.

But when children are involved, we here cannot afford to mince words.

Your son is in grave danger.

Live separately from this man, date him if you wish, but AWAY from your son, all dates OUT OF THE HOUSE AND AWAY. You may say to yourself that if the man is drunk, that's when you'll bar the door. But alcoholics say vicious things to people whether apparently drunk or not because they are always in either one of two states: DRUNK or CRAVING. And it takes alcohol 48 hours to completely metabolize out of the body, and I very much doubt if the man ever goes that long without a drink. He is always drunk.

If you want to keep him, then do it away from your child.

Oh, I read your first post but not your last. It sounds as if you do not really need to hear my post, as you seem ready to walk away.

Maybe someone else will hear it.

I wish you safety and a peaceful home.

English Garden - THANK YOU!!! I am ready to walk away, but your words push me even farther in that direction. The last thing that I want to do is hurt my son, and truly I think he has already seen enough to hurt him. :(

I do want to give my ABF the benefit of the doubt, BUT I don't want him relapsing and causing any hurt/damage to my son. I will always make the decision to protect my son over giving someone another chance.

Thanks again for your rather honest words - I have taken them to heart. :)

Karin

Yes Karin!

We give the benefit of the doubt to the children as opposed to the A. If the A works the program of recovery, the A can be given a chance then. The A has to earn the chance. NOT the other way around: chance first then recovery, maybe, but at the childrens' risk.

Just keepin' it simple.

I'm feeling so relieved tonight. I told my (now) XABF that I was done and wanted him to move out. It went a lot more smoothly than I imagined...some resistance but he eventually said he understood and would start making plans to move out. Wow, huge sense of relief. I am a little scared, but also excited that I am making decisions and following through with them. So now, I am cuddling in bed with my young son, reading Codependent No More while he watches cartoons. Ahhhhhhh.... Thanks everyone for your kind words and support. I will continue to post here, but wanted everyone to hear the progress that I've made tonight! :-)

Karin

You did great and deserve a major sticky or award!!! Scored 99%. Would've been 100% had you put down the book and watched the cartoons!

:You_Rock_

for me? well, ..i did NOT make him my #1...I WAS #1..boy he hated that...my changes where slow...but fast...everyday was something new..I stopped asking about his recovery(realizing that was wrong of me to do) just enabling stuff, making his bed, making breakfast (later he would sneek out of the house b4 i got up...just to have that DRINK)

one thing that struck me was he was mad at my changes..the reaction, the behaviour, and the attitudes...all of it...he said "hun, this al anon is not working out for us, i think you should go back and talk to someone.":c029: what he meant was, i was not working out for HIM and not enabling HIM...and i was making me the important one...ooh ya, and he was a narcassist...

and more was to be revealed AFTER he left...and my gut told me so...

Four Maggie - our exes sounds like twin brothers! :-) So now that we are no longer a couple, more HAS been revealed. He rolled in this morning at 3am, drunk of course. Thankfully, he slept on the couch and didn't say a word to me. He told me via text that he is getting his own place and will stay at his friend's place from now on. It's interesting that once I am no longer in the picture, his sobriety is not a priority. It just validates my decision to walk away. Amen!!

Although I have moments where I feel a bit lonely, it is nothing compared to the pain that he has caused during his drinking bouts.

Good night all :-)
Karin

Oh, after our breakup, the x went on a drinking bender of epic proportions, wrote about it on Facebook and his friend posted pictures! I was so horrified and embarrassed for him but evidently they thought it was funny. These people are in their late 40's, it's really kind of weird that they are so immature. Glad I walked away too...