Back into a relationship with my ABF
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Location: Orange County, CA
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Back into a relationship with my ABF
Hi all,
First off, I want to express my sincere gratitude to this community and to everyone reading this post. I try to use this site as my compass...it seems when the compass tells me to go East and I go East, things are great. When the compass tells me to go East and I go South, I get myself into a big mess!
So I am here posting after being quiet for about 6 months. I am in a relationship with an alcoholic man for nearly 3 years. We are both in our 30s with 1 son each from our previous marriage. We split up briefly in February and March earlier this year - and after a lot of begging and promises, I allowed him to come back. He stopped drinking for about a month, then we agreed on rules around his drinking - that he limit his intake and keep in touch with me to communicate where he was and if he was coming home. That did not work at all and we ended up in our current situation.
Two weeks ago, he went out for "lunch", left me with his son and then came home 2 hours later buzzed. I told him how angry I was - that I felt he was choosing alcohol over me and his son. He didn't want to hear any of it. He left, took his son to his mother's house and was out for the rest of the night. When he came home, he was drunk, we got into a fight and he called me ugly, nasty names. The next day, he apologized and then left the house for 2 days straight without contacting me. When he returned he said he thought we should split because all he does is hurt me. I don't know why, but I asked him to stay. But the agreement was that he needed to stop drinking and start counseling. So as far as I can see, he has been sober for the past 1 1/2 weeks. He hasn't gone to AA nor to counseling as far as I am aware.
The problem here is that he wants to continue on as if everything is great. He bought me an engagement ring about 4 months ago but has not given it to me yet. And to be honest, I'm not sure what to say if he did give it to me.
The more I read here, the more I think that I should turn and run the other direction even though he has agreed to quit drinking. I am going to start going back to Alanon tonight - I know that will help me understand what I need to work on. Any other insights?
Thanks so much for listening/reading!
Karin
First off, I want to express my sincere gratitude to this community and to everyone reading this post. I try to use this site as my compass...it seems when the compass tells me to go East and I go East, things are great. When the compass tells me to go East and I go South, I get myself into a big mess!
So I am here posting after being quiet for about 6 months. I am in a relationship with an alcoholic man for nearly 3 years. We are both in our 30s with 1 son each from our previous marriage. We split up briefly in February and March earlier this year - and after a lot of begging and promises, I allowed him to come back. He stopped drinking for about a month, then we agreed on rules around his drinking - that he limit his intake and keep in touch with me to communicate where he was and if he was coming home. That did not work at all and we ended up in our current situation.
Two weeks ago, he went out for "lunch", left me with his son and then came home 2 hours later buzzed. I told him how angry I was - that I felt he was choosing alcohol over me and his son. He didn't want to hear any of it. He left, took his son to his mother's house and was out for the rest of the night. When he came home, he was drunk, we got into a fight and he called me ugly, nasty names. The next day, he apologized and then left the house for 2 days straight without contacting me. When he returned he said he thought we should split because all he does is hurt me. I don't know why, but I asked him to stay. But the agreement was that he needed to stop drinking and start counseling. So as far as I can see, he has been sober for the past 1 1/2 weeks. He hasn't gone to AA nor to counseling as far as I am aware.
The problem here is that he wants to continue on as if everything is great. He bought me an engagement ring about 4 months ago but has not given it to me yet. And to be honest, I'm not sure what to say if he did give it to me.
The more I read here, the more I think that I should turn and run the other direction even though he has agreed to quit drinking. I am going to start going back to Alanon tonight - I know that will help me understand what I need to work on. Any other insights?
Thanks so much for listening/reading!
Karin
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
Has he stumpped on YOUR boundaries...if so? what do you plan on doing about them....only YOU can let him walk all over you....
you know the score, you have been there before...so now what? how are you gonna deal with this ....yet again?....
you do have choices...
Melody Beattie has an awesome book called Codependent no more...have you read it yet?
you know the score, you have been there before...so now what? how are you gonna deal with this ....yet again?....
you do have choices...
Melody Beattie has an awesome book called Codependent no more...have you read it yet?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Orange County, CA
Posts: 42
Originally Posted by fourmaggie 
Has he stumpped on YOUR boundaries...if so? what do you plan on doing about them....only YOU can let him walk all over you....
you know the score, you have been there before...so now what? how are you gonna deal with this ....yet again?....
you do have choices...
you know the score, you have been there before...so now what? how are you gonna deal with this ....yet again?....
you do have choices...
My boundaries changed a lot over the past 6 months and I am still working to really understand what I want them to be.
The bottom line is...He MUST be sober for us to be together
I need to figure out how long he needs to be sober for me to consider marrying him. I feel a little bad saying this, but I don't really feel his heart is in this. I don't think he'll stay sober for long. But in the meantime, I want to continue making plans and living MY life (with my son
).What other boundaries should I be thinking about?
Karin
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Hi,
I agree with Karin. If you made an agreement and he violated it, as long as you allow him to do these things he will keep walking all over you.
Case in point: I was with an alcoholic man for 3 years. About one year into our relationship we agreed that he was going to quit smoking, work on his anger issues and we would both moderate our drinking.
He was always drinking more than I thought he should but I didn't say a whole lot about it as long as it wasn't a problem.
Then he lost his job and was drinking a LOT, like all day when I was work and into the evenings. One night he told me he couldn't have dinner with me because he was too drunk from hanging out with his "friends" (the drinking buddies). I also figured out he was smoking again. Then I found an empty brandy bottle hidden in my apartment.
Yes I was angry and we had a big discussion about it all, ultimatums were issued. About a month after that I noticed a bunch of empty liquor bottles in the recycling and we had a huge blow out over something stupid that turned into him being verbally abusive and frightening. I told him I was not going to allow it and I have not seen him since. However, he did write a letter to me about all of my personality defects and why he was leaving ME (bleah). Supposedly I was not "supportive enough" of him while he was unemployed, meaning I wanted him to stop hanging out at bars all day and look for a job.
So I am still angry about all of this, especially after 3 years. I just wish I had walked a way a whole lot sooner. But the bottom line is, do you want to be in a relationship with someone you don't trust, who either can not or will not respect your feelings?
I tried to get my ex into AA or counseling too, he would never go to counseling citing financial reasons, but he sure had enough money to spend on alcohol.
If your guy is anything like mine, they will keep doing the same crap over and over again until you put your foot down. And after your foot is down, they will leave you to focus on their drinking again. You can't force someone into treatment, they have to want to go on their own and it doesn't sound like he will.
If you want to stay in the relationship in spite of all of this, I would suggest you do go to al-anon to protect your sanity. I never made it there but in some ways I wish I had.
I agree with Karin. If you made an agreement and he violated it, as long as you allow him to do these things he will keep walking all over you.
Case in point: I was with an alcoholic man for 3 years. About one year into our relationship we agreed that he was going to quit smoking, work on his anger issues and we would both moderate our drinking.
He was always drinking more than I thought he should but I didn't say a whole lot about it as long as it wasn't a problem.
Then he lost his job and was drinking a LOT, like all day when I was work and into the evenings. One night he told me he couldn't have dinner with me because he was too drunk from hanging out with his "friends" (the drinking buddies). I also figured out he was smoking again. Then I found an empty brandy bottle hidden in my apartment.
Yes I was angry and we had a big discussion about it all, ultimatums were issued. About a month after that I noticed a bunch of empty liquor bottles in the recycling and we had a huge blow out over something stupid that turned into him being verbally abusive and frightening. I told him I was not going to allow it and I have not seen him since. However, he did write a letter to me about all of my personality defects and why he was leaving ME (bleah). Supposedly I was not "supportive enough" of him while he was unemployed, meaning I wanted him to stop hanging out at bars all day and look for a job.
So I am still angry about all of this, especially after 3 years. I just wish I had walked a way a whole lot sooner. But the bottom line is, do you want to be in a relationship with someone you don't trust, who either can not or will not respect your feelings?
I tried to get my ex into AA or counseling too, he would never go to counseling citing financial reasons, but he sure had enough money to spend on alcohol.
If your guy is anything like mine, they will keep doing the same crap over and over again until you put your foot down. And after your foot is down, they will leave you to focus on their drinking again. You can't force someone into treatment, they have to want to go on their own and it doesn't sound like he will.
If you want to stay in the relationship in spite of all of this, I would suggest you do go to al-anon to protect your sanity. I never made it there but in some ways I wish I had.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
The bottom line is...He MUST be sober for us to be together
he is an alcoholic...alcoholics do what they do...they will not change for us, they need to change for themselves...(gosh my A never did admit he was an alcoholic, I decided i was not waiting for him...)
there are many boundaries...you have to define them for you ( eg..if he does get sober, how long do you think he should be sober before you DO get married?)
in the meantime, i got my 12 step program...AL ANON, this group has opened my eyes so much, I am much calmer and not waiting for the next lie, or the 'not coming home'...I do i have put alot of energy in that relationship..but it was toxic and tiring...i could not do it anymore...HE left me, Y? because i got al anon, and i stopped my enabling ways and stuck to them...i was not his doormat anymore....THANKS TO MY HP!!
he is an alcoholic...alcoholics do what they do...they will not change for us, they need to change for themselves...(gosh my A never did admit he was an alcoholic, I decided i was not waiting for him...)
there are many boundaries...you have to define them for you ( eg..if he does get sober, how long do you think he should be sober before you DO get married?)
in the meantime, i got my 12 step program...AL ANON, this group has opened my eyes so much, I am much calmer and not waiting for the next lie, or the 'not coming home'...I do i have put alot of energy in that relationship..but it was toxic and tiring...i could not do it anymore...HE left me, Y? because i got al anon, and i stopped my enabling ways and stuck to them...i was not his doormat anymore....THANKS TO MY HP!!
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Orange County, CA
Posts: 42
Originally Posted by ZiggyB
I tried to get my ex into AA or counseling too, he would never go to counseling citing financial reasons, but he sure had enough money to spend on alcohol.
If your guy is anything like mine, they will keep doing the same crap over and over again until you put your foot down. And after your foot is down, they will leave you to focus on their drinking again. You can't force someone into treatment, they have to want to go on their own and it doesn't sound like he will.
If you want to stay in the relationship in spite of all of this, I would suggest you do go to al-anon to protect your sanity. I never made it there but in some ways I wish I had.
If your guy is anything like mine, they will keep doing the same crap over and over again until you put your foot down. And after your foot is down, they will leave you to focus on their drinking again. You can't force someone into treatment, they have to want to go on their own and it doesn't sound like he will.
If you want to stay in the relationship in spite of all of this, I would suggest you do go to al-anon to protect your sanity. I never made it there but in some ways I wish I had.
It is an awful feeling. Maybe now is the time to walk away for my own sanity. I have gone to Alanon in the past and I intend to go, regardless of whether or not we stay together. Thanks again for your reply.Karin
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Location: Orange County, CA
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Originally Posted by fourmaggie
he is an alcoholic...alcoholics do what they do...they will not change for us, they need to change for themselves...(gosh my A never did admit he was an alcoholic, I decided i was not waiting for him...)
Originally Posted by fourmaggie
in the meantime, i got my 12 step program...AL ANON, this group has opened my eyes so much, I am much calmer and not waiting for the next lie, or the 'not coming home'...I do i have put alot of energy in that relationship..but it was toxic and tiring...i could not do it anymore...HE left me, Y? because i got al anon, and i stopped my enabling ways and stuck to them...i was not his doormat anymore....THANKS TO MY HP!!
I am heading to Alanon tonight - This is for my sanity and to help me set my own boundaries. Thanks again, fourmaggie!
Karin
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
What has changed in the last six months for you to allow him back into your life? In reading your post I do not see any effort or progress on his part.
He is off drinking and having fun, that does not sound like someone who is willing and ready to start a recovery program. He's just dragging you along AGAIN. and you know what they say around here; Let go or be dragged!
This is pure insanity, he is not ready to embrace recovery, in the manipulating, controlling mind of an alkie, He has won, you came back.
Pack your child/ kick him to the curb, and get yourself the hell away from the madness. This is not healthy. Please do not even entertain marrying this guy, your child and you deserve so much more than he can currently offer.
Oh, this is so very sad...............
He is off drinking and having fun, that does not sound like someone who is willing and ready to start a recovery program. He's just dragging you along AGAIN. and you know what they say around here; Let go or be dragged!
This is pure insanity, he is not ready to embrace recovery, in the manipulating, controlling mind of an alkie, He has won, you came back.
Pack your child/ kick him to the curb, and get yourself the hell away from the madness. This is not healthy. Please do not even entertain marrying this guy, your child and you deserve so much more than he can currently offer.
Oh, this is so very sad...............
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Originally Posted by marie1960
He is off drinking and having fun, that does not sound like someone who is willing and ready to start a recovery program. He's just dragging you along AGAIN. and you know what they say around here Let go or be dragged!
This is pure insanity, he is not going to change, in the manipulating, controlling mind of an alkie, He has won, you came back.
This is pure insanity, he is not going to change, in the manipulating, controlling mind of an alkie, He has won, you came back.
Are you of the opinion that he is not going to stay sober? And, believe me, after all that I have read on this board I do not intend to marry this guy currently. That would be nuts.
Karin
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Originally Posted by calblondie
Ziggy - Thanks so much for your post. The counseling thing has always been a big issue - he has said he was planning to go but would make excuse after excuse about why he wasn't going. I definitely have put my foot down about his drinking, but now I feel as if I am waiting for him to mess up. 
It is an awful feeling. Maybe now is the time to walk away for my own sanity. I have gone to Alanon in the past and I intend to go, regardless of whether or not we stay together. Thanks again for your reply.
Karin
It is an awful feeling. Maybe now is the time to walk away for my own sanity. I have gone to Alanon in the past and I intend to go, regardless of whether or not we stay together. Thanks again for your reply.Karin
If you think things are bad now, I wonder what would happen if you did marry this guy. I would think he needs to be sober for at least a year before you would even consider it. Luckily I never married or even moved in with mine, I had a feeling that would have been a bad idea.
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I have no personal experience with recovery as the XA in my life, was very self absorbed in his life of intoxication. But everything I have read about recovery, they say a recovering addict should wait the minimum of a year before entering into a relationship.
Ten days without alcohol is a drop in the bucket in the big picture of the rest of his life. He has to reach out and save himself.
And I am so relieved to hear that you are NOT entertaining marrying this guy.
Big hugs))))
Ten days without alcohol is a drop in the bucket in the big picture of the rest of his life. He has to reach out and save himself.
And I am so relieved to hear that you are NOT entertaining marrying this guy.
Big hugs))))
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Originally Posted by ZiggyB
I hate to say this, but he sounds just like my ex. They say you can't change anyone else and as soon as your back is turned they will revert back to their natural behavior, I believe it. I just got finished reading "Codependent No More" myself recently and I wonder why I wasted so much time in this useless endeavor. I thought he would change because he loved me, but it does not work that way. I kept coming back like a fool, putting up with broken promises, lies and verbal abuse until it all blew up in my face.
If you think things are bad now, I wonder what would happen if you did marry this guy. I would think he needs to be sober for at least a year before you would even consider it. Luckily I never married or even moved in with mine, I had a feeling that would have been a bad idea.
If you think things are bad now, I wonder what would happen if you did marry this guy. I would think he needs to be sober for at least a year before you would even consider it. Luckily I never married or even moved in with mine, I had a feeling that would have been a bad idea.
Karin
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Originally Posted by marie1960
I have no personal experience with recovery as the XA in my life, was very self absorbed in his life of intoxication. But everything I have read about recovery, they say a recovering addict should wait the minimum of a year before entering into a relationship.
And I am so relieved to hear that you are NOT entertaining marrying this guy.
Big hugs))))
And I am so relieved to hear that you are NOT entertaining marrying this guy.
Big hugs))))
Yes, that 1 year seems to be a good start...thanks again for your kind words
Karin
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
I'm so sorry for your stuggles.
Work your program, do some reading, post here often????
You're smart, you know what your dealing with, the codie you is over riding reason maybe.
Mine sure did .... for far to long.
Katie xo
Work your program, do some reading, post here often????
You're smart, you know what your dealing with, the codie you is over riding reason maybe.
Mine sure did .... for far to long.
Katie xo
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
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Originally Posted by calblondie
Thanks Ziggy...I wonder about how bad it would get too. I hate that I love this guy so much. It would be much easier to walk away if he wasn't so likable when he was sober.
Karin
Karin
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Ha! I think I just got a clear indication of how my ABF feels about me going back to Alanon. Just spoke with my him over the phone - he asked my plans tonight because he wanted to go to dinner. I told him that I had plans - an Alanon meeting. He was so upset - said that he thought it would put a wedge between us because it did before (when I went in Feb/March). I reasoned that it probably did because he wasn't really done drinking and now he is sober. He thought that was condescending and proceeded to hang up the phone.
fourmaggie - Is this what happened to you? Gosh, I didn't realize it would be such an issue since he wants to be sober.
He feels threatened by me attending meetings because I want to stand up for what I NEED??!! Yikes, what a piece of work. It should be an interesting evening, everyone! Wish me luck
Karin
fourmaggie - Is this what happened to you? Gosh, I didn't realize it would be such an issue since he wants to be sober.
He feels threatened by me attending meetings because I want to stand up for what I NEED??!! Yikes, what a piece of work. It should be an interesting evening, everyone! Wish me luck
Karin
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Columbus, Oh
Posts: 71
Thank you, Karin, for sharing honey! Sounds like you handled and mentally processed that call well. My AH recently said, for the first time, that he would go to counseling. I had a hard time telling him I still want a divorce but, I love ME more. No one cares about or has control over my happiness but me. It was hard to be selfish!! Also, to realize my leaving him still won't make him not go into recovery, if he really didn't want recovery in the first place. To be legally bound to these people is insanity, glad I know now at such a young age. There are so many fish in the sea!! (no pun intended)
Marie1960, wow, LET GO OR BE DRAGGED! That is so powerful to me right now. Haven't heard it before, thank you a million times!
Marie1960, wow, LET GO OR BE DRAGGED! That is so powerful to me right now. Haven't heard it before, thank you a million times!
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