The body doesn't lie.
 

I'm sitting here right now feeling the stress in my chest from dealing with Abf.

Lately, we are arguing constantly. Between his attitude and my reactions to it, it's been a constant battle. I feel the tension rise up inside me whenever I even think about talking with him on the phone (seems that's where most arguments happen).

I have a week vacation coming up and I haven't planned it yet. I want to go far away, be alone, center myself and enjoy some me time. I'm a full time single mom, dating an A...I need space.

He's giving me hell. I explained to him that the last few weekend trips we've taken he's spent drinking and partying and doesn't want to do anything else. It's not my idea of a vacation. Last year we broke up right before my vacation because he just wanted to sit at a campground and drink for 5 days. Nope, wasn't going to do it.

So, I've tried to look at it as spending the weekend with a friend and thought if I split it up to a few days with him and some time to myself that would work.

He put the major guilt trip on me today. Said this wasn't our vacation but my vacation and I was just fitting him whenever it was convenient for me.

I feel the tension over this building inside me. I look forward to finally getting a vacation and this year I wish I didn't even have one.

A part of me wants to go somewhere with him, but it's the one wearing the rose colored glasses. The one who thinks, maybe, just maybe, THIS time we will be able to have a good time. It's the one who sees past the drinking a**hole, beyond the anger and sees some form of a man that she wants to love.

But, the other side...the realistic one...knows what will happen. He'll pout over everything. He'll be miserable and blame me because he can't drink on MY vacation. I will want to enjoy moments of peace and tranquility and he will have to get high to enjoy it, then talk for an hour afterwards.

I feel myself wanting to make him happy. Then I tell myself, wtf! Make yourself happy. Go where you want to go and do what you want to do and if he doesn't like it, he will find someone else who can be the weak, wimpy little follower of his every command that he so desires.

Trying to de-stress. This relationship has taken such a toll on my mental and physical health why the hell can't I walk away from it???

I'm imagining some beach with you relaxing on a chair. Your eyes are closed. You are listening to the waves come in, and each one washes over you and relaxes you further. Each wave cleanses you. Each wave retreating takes with it your stress...you let it wash out to sea.
I bet the better part of that week alone would be good for you. Maybe not all alone--as you don't want to get lonely--but I think you might find some clarity in the peace of waves washing over your stress.
Or...if it's a vacation in the woods--same thing---the sound of the wind rustling in the trees can do the same thing.
Serenity...peace...doing what you can control and away from what you can't.
You may find there are a lot more choices you have when you look at what you can control, and how a relationship with an active addict is something you can never control.
Find that place in your mind where your chest isn't tensed up...and go live there.

Your final statement said it all. I walked away because I saw the toll stress and anxiety were taking on my physical health after only a very short period of time. My life with the drunk had made me a nervous wreck, seeing what the hell I had got myself into. My dreams and hopes of a normal relationship were out the window, as the drunk had not progressed as it told me it had initially. It had REGRESSED into this "Hyde" persona, that I neither knew, nor particularly liked, much less loved. We had reunited after 12 years and this sociopathic liar had told me how much it had changed, was ready to settle down into a real relationship with me, ect.

It was all lies. The drunk lived for its jail pals, it's "felon thinking" its booze and drugs, and its way of life, which included continual breaking of the law, disregard for anyone's feelings, and its need to continually and daily search for alcohol, and to consume it. This took over it's life, and it wanted to drag me with it, and basically have me pay for it's liquor, ect......After 4 weeks of tragically seeing that the person I had once had strong feelings for 12 years ago was gone, replaced with this horrid, "Hyde-like" addict, that my hopes and dreams were replaced with this facsimile of the person I really wanted....reminded me of a passage from the book Pet Semetary when Jud was speaking of Timmy Bateman, and how after his father had buried him in the Mic Mac burial ground, the thing that came back was only vaguely the same in physical appearance, it had changed into something ugly.

Part of what motivated me to make plans for leaving was exactly that -- that my body started breaking down. I was "doing everything right" -- eating uber-healthy, exercising six days a week -- and my doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong with me because all I did was work, work out, and sleep. I could sleep 13 hours and wake up feeling like I had just closed my eyes.

A counselor I fired (because I wasn't ready for what he had to say) told me that "a lot of wives of alcoholics wait and hope for the alcoholic to die. I have to tell you that in many, many cases, the body and soul of the wife wears out long before that of the alcoholic. So if that's what you're betting on, you may be spending the rest of your life in this prison you've chosen and die before he does."

Same here, minus a few details. I don't recognize AXBF anymore.

I became so sick living with AXBF, I began to get pulled muscles in my back that I had never had before, and the doctor could not explain to me why this kept happening. I was tired and lethargic all the time, had no motivation to do anything. My spinal problems became exacerbated and I was in pain all the time. I got a foot problem, not from an injury but it just appeared, and it was so painful I could not walk for 6 months (I did go to work though). I felt like I was a prisoner in my own home. I would get sick all the time, with colds and flus. I'd have bad reactions to the medications the doctors would give me. All that stress wears down your immune system and wears down your body.

My nerves were shot, my blood pressure was probably off the charts, my mind was continually racing, and the sweats. Day and night, my palms were clammy, and sweat would literally pour off of my forehead......there was all kinds of pressure, dealing with her kid and mine, not getting along, her kid being intrusive, my parents and her hating each other, and me playing "referee" financial stress (she was unemployed and as a felon, not exactly super-employable.....so my meager wages had to support me, her and her alcoholism....a 12-18 pack a DAY plus vodka adds up), the stress of living in a small apt built for one, and a lack of privacy, and add to this, watching her get $hitfaced nightly, starting the drinking since 10am....seeing the tremors and knowing what that meant, and seeing that she had not changed at all, but had regressed and knowing now that it just flat out WASNT going to work???...

The joy had went out of life, after about a 14 day period where she "played the part"....then I saw what it had turned into, and all of a sudden, all was grey. No happiness. Only stress. Now that it has gone (mutual agreement) I feel physically better.

MOG..your imagery is exactly what I feel right now. In fact, last year things were so bad that I flew to the West coast and did nothing for a week but travel up the coast and hit every beach I could. The sunshine, the peacefulness of it all, the water...I never wanted to come back home.

What my soul is telling me it needs right now is a similar place. Only, I envision sitting on a mountain overlooking just the glorious beauty of nature. I want to feel the connection to things bigger than me. Like the Grand Canyon or the mountains of Colorado.

I made the realization the other day that I'm having to find more tranquility than usual in order to make up for the angst I feel from Abf.

There are times I think I'm wrong. When he says to me do I know that I have a man who loves me, I think why would I throw that away? When he says how lucky I am to have someone who does what he does for me, I think am I really? Sometimes I see him as a salesman. Saying what I want to hear. Saying what he thinks I'll believe. Then I see myself doubting what he says and wondering if I should be believing him instead.

Just writing that has me seeing what a crazy cycle this is and why it is taking a mental and physical toll.

itsmylife,

I recently left my XA with whom I have a child with. I have been physically and mentally sick for years due to the drinking. It has taken such a toll on my soul that I just feel run down and depressed and am trying to remain upbeat for my child. I will get my old spunk back but I can feel my body recovering from all the stress and anxiety I have been dealing with for years. I have gotten several colds over the last year. Now, I think I know why. One that I got in April held on for several weeks and it really scared me because my body was not healing like it used to.

Although, I feel some anxiety about the custody thing with my XA, because his mom is a relentless, psycho, I know in my heart that I will retain custody. I have his mom and his brother trying to get me to break my restraining order through guilt manipulation, but am not responding to them anymore. Not only does the alcoholic just beat me down, but so does his enabling family. Maybe even more so than he does. If they'd let him, he'd go drink himself to death, but alas, they can't let him suffer his own consequences.

I know it will take awhile after being so enmeshed with this kind of person for so long, to finally be free of him. I wish you peace and health. It was so hard, in my case, to walk away because I always pictured my A 'finally getting it' and realizing how good I was for him. But the actions said, he is going to keep drinking, and drinking and drinking.

He' right about one thing, "It is your vacation" you earned it, and you can spend it anyway you damn well please.

I have a hunch he is afraid of you going off without him, and realizing life is amazing when not consumed by an active alkies unacceptable behavior.

When I need time alone, I take it.

If I don't , it reaks havoc with the rest of my life.

My ex and I always argued over the phone, always, and of course I always started it LOL.

This is your vacation, he can drink very nicely , and will, without you, we are all about taking care of ourselves, please take care of you, the alcoholic will be there when you get back.

Beach sounds awesome :c014:

Anvil, no confusion...I wrote the post I bumped when we weren't going out. We are back together and I needed a reminder of all those things I said I didn't like before. :)

Thank you so much, i NEEEDED to hear this.

If it is your life as your name states, then live it!

This statement really threw me for you.

How many times is your life on hold for his drinking or using? Yes you have a role in that choice, but that is really what stuck out for me in your post.

To add to the body stuff. I do a type of body work called Rolfing. My Rolfer did not know my hubby was an alcoholic, but I signed an agreement with my therapist that they could talk. She called up my therapist to ask about my husband when I had only known her a little bit because my body was so out of wack, especially when I talked about him (I was saying one thing verbally and another with my body)....and she could not figure out why. It all made sense when my therapist let her know about my situation.

Lucky to have someone that causes tension and misery? His words and actions dont line up. Just because he states something doesn't mean it must be believed or even entertained.

Put it on the scales. Does he ever say how lucky he is to have a wonderful woman who loves him and does what she does for him?

Mine never did. It was all about him. Not so long ago, he told my mother that "She's lucky to have me, no one else would have her." I should have punched him and/or immediately dumped him off at his uncle's house to find his own way 600 miles home from Florida. I haven't always graciously let people walk all over me. I'm struggling with the guilt of doing so with him, plus desperately seeking to understand how and where I fell into that trap. Is it the crumbs they throw out and how they come shining through just as you're ready to call it quits?

From the time I started seeing AXBF, I developed a dreadful abscess in my gum. Antibiotics had no effect on it. Sometimes it would get so irritated that I looked as if I had the mumps. About 3.5 years into the relationship, I booted the BF out and changed my locks because I'd caught him smoking pot on my property after multiple written warnings that I would not tolerate that behavior. Within a couple of weeks, my abscess went away.

Of course, I let him creep back in again. Every other weekend at first, when his (unbearable) son went away on visitation with his mother. Then he found a friend to send his son to on the alternating weekends. Suddenly I was slipping back into the abyss again. I finally wrote him to say that I was unwilling to plan my life and future around the limitations of his alcoholism. He quit and therein lay the hook. He couldn't possibly quit without my full support! His son went away for half summer visitation with his mother and I was saddled with the dry alcoholic 24/7.

Even though he was dry, nothing had really changed other than I was NEVER to have a single moment that he didn't dictate and control. I almost wished he'd go back to his 12+ pack/day beer obsession because I had replaced the beer as his sole obsession. At least he would slip away to hide his beer drinking. My gum abscess didn't come back, but I developed a persistent pain in my neck/shoulder and am also struggling with painful trigger thumbs. He's gone for good this time, so hopefully the pains will fade too as time passes.

With all due respect, I am having a tough time imaging someone dating someone else who makes them feel physically sick. Are there children involved? Financial reasons? I didn't know the man I married was an alcoholic until we were a few months into the marriage and the counselor he insisted I see explained it all to me. I am ok with saying I was naive and overly trusting, while ignoring my intuition, but when I started feeling physically sick, I moved out. And I have two children involved in this mess. I viewed it as survival...there is no way I am going down for anyone else.

Why would you continue to date someone who treats you like this and makes you feel lousy? And I ask this in kindness.

~T

Before AXBF came into my life, I had pretty much everything the way I wanted, my life was full enough for me, I loved my life, I was happy, I took my vacations alone and loved it. Then, he moved in. Even though I had told him many times I did not want to live together. As soon as he moved in, he started changing things. Moving things. Not putting things back where they go. Taking over things. Everything became about him, his needs, his life, and everything had to be his way. My house became HIS house. I no longer took my vacations. We went on a vacation last year and he ignored me the entire time. He ignored me ever since. It sucks to live your life completely alone but with someone living in your house for free, controlling you and your life.

It is just not worth it. What are you getting out of this relationship? Being with a drunk or stoned person is not a relationship. Having to bend to them and their will all the time is not a relationship. It's being held hostage.

Were it all lousy. There are always crumbs that aren't lousy. Just enough to keep someone who cares hanging on. As noted, "alcoholics don't have relationships, they take hostages."

I understand the pull of intermittent reinforcement, but not it working for long.

No one can make us a hostage in a relationship unless we let them. These alcoholics have not locked us up in a windowless room with machine guns to our heads. We do have the power to walk away.

Does it hurt to end relationships...hell yes. But in the end, it is very empowering to say no more. And mean it.

Why? Good question. I didn't start with going back. It happened little by little over time and eventually we were right back where we started from. A part of me felt I was different and whenever he would do something that bothered me, I approached it differently. I maintained my life as best I could (which he hated) and learned to let things go.

He still drinks, still gets high. After an incident last week he is back in the cutting back mode to prove he doesn't need alcohol, yet open his fridge and there is a nice fresh case of beer.

Codiebird: "Put it on the scales. Does he ever say how lucky he is to have a wonderful woman who loves him and does what she does for him?"

Haha...my answer is the same as yours. NEVER. Because in his opinion, I am not a very loving person. I am standoffish and come across harsh and people we know are saying this about me. Just yesterday he said I wasn't feminine and was like a man. Because a woman is supposed to follow their man and be a partner and support their man and some more horse crap.

And, I know that I am not loving to HIM...I just don't feel it. Oh, I've tried. I've attempted to be all soft and sweet and loving, but it has no effect on him. The sad thing is he has NO idea how loving I can really be. He doesn't deserve it. What he wants is someone who wants to spend every waking moment with him, doing what he wants, when he wants, appreciating every little thing he does for them and constant reassurance and comforting. He needs a mother...not a girlfriend.

My experience with both ex-husbands was the same. My second ex called me "ma" one time, <shudder>. Yes, they hated and did not trust their mothers, so I was supposed to take their place and be the perfect partner, while they hated and mistrusted me.
Yeah, I guess I thought I needed the punishment (being a drunk).

Neither one of them knew me at all. How I felt or that I craved love and attention and would be very happy to give it back. But, by that time, I hated and mistrusted them.
So it was always over before it began, you know what I mean?

Thank you for sharing, it has helped me clear my head.

Beth

I remember reading a definition of stress that is pretty accurate: "Stress is what occurs when the mind overrides the body's impulse to strangle someone who desperately needs it."

Stress is what happens when we try to impose our will on a situation, knowing that it likely will fail.

I would venture that a significant portion of your stress is not specifically about your vacation, but rather that your vacation is pushing the flaws in your relationship front and center. Your vacation will not play out how you want work because your ABF cannot be the person you want him to be. He is an active alcoholic, and until that changes there is no possibility of him being what you need, your vacations being what you need, or your life together being what you need.

If a vacation alone is far more attractive than one with him, what does that say about the rest of your life so long as he continues to drink?

I would suggest you go alone, and don't apologize for it. He has every right to choose to drink, and you have every right to go or stay and watch this train wreck continue.

This is what I love about this group...so many insights that hit the nail right on the head.

I don't think I recognized the stress coming from the light shining on what our relationship really is. I see it in the arguments we have and the anticipation of arguments to come, but not from the fact this relationship is hitting bottom yet again.

I should have seen this as lately I've felt the feeling in the pit of my stomach thinking this could be over soon, yet again.

It is amazing though how it does build up inside you and comes out in such a physical way. I am supposed to see him in about an hour with a group of friends and I already feel the tension wondering what buttons he's going to push and what's going to trigger me.

This is an unbelievable pattern it's hard for me to fathom I have yet to get off of it. What the hell does it take? me being committed?

Stress, tension and anxiety were my constant companions for the 4 weeks I lasted with the drunk.....and of course, the surreal sense of impending doom I always felt around the drunk. This was after the initial 14 day period where all was bliss, though there were signs that my infatuated mind was blind to. But inevitably the signs overrode the infatuation.

I'll never forget the daily and nighty sweating, the bad feelings of coming home from work to watch the drunk sit on a couch and guzzle beer and vodka until 3am, the lack of intimacy, the realization that the drunk had regressed from 12 years ago and the shock of seeing how much the drunk had changed into a person I didnt know or particularly liked.

I dont know what is going to happen to the drunk, it is 4th stage alcoholic syndrome, there are all kinds of physical and mental ailments, and no signs of slowing down. But this drunk is not my problem any longer. But I do fear checking the obits section of the paper.