Being in love with an alcoholic is like having a beautiful, red, racecar- with no engine in it.

Well, exactly. You hit the nail on the head there. It isn't your responsibility to fix him or be his therapist or his mother, worry about him or see that he doesn't get himself into trouble. Both yours and mine were adult men who need to grow up and be responsible for their own emotions and actions. I know how much it sucks to hold out hope that he will eventually come around and turn back into Price Charming, but when mine got so drunk one day by 6 pm and couldn't have dinner with me, I knew the end was coming. Oh well! Live and learn, my friend... you will be fine.

no, no, not sick at all! laundry makes sense, clothes get clean, I can use bleach to get things white. and all those lovely smelling dryer softeners. yes, lovely laundry.

shawty,
do some laundry, you will be cleansed in the water of the Machine! Cycle from dirty and smelly to clean and soft and sweet smelling laundry. don't let him take the glory of laundry from you. That is yours to enjoy, on your own, with no help from any crazy drunk!

something else to add to my wish list for a house, laundry on the same floor as me.
my knees friggin hate the walk up and down the steps. but i will do it, cause laundry must be done, or there is no order in the world.

I have been reading on a site chock full of good stuff called Personal Excellence. One thing I was reading on was becoming inner centered instead of outer centered.
What you do, you do because it please you, no one else. When you are outer centered, you never feel safe or honored because the other/outer influence can change at any time. You must become reliant only on yourself.
sometimes, i admit, i become outer centered because that is my default setting.
I am working on becoming inner centered to make my life perfect for me.

Beth

The entire first year of dating and a good 8 months into living together and being engaged...my husband was awesome!! And then he wasn't. For a long time I said "I don't understand..." and the thing is, I actually do understand. I just don't like it. I still don't like it. But it is how addicts act.

Everything you describe above...it is how addicts act. My husband still blames me. As a matter of fact, he insists on holding onto this version of events regarding me that is simply not true at all, regardless of what I have to say about it. He is still determining how I think, regardless of what I say. I don't like it. It grates on my nerves to be told how I feel and what I think by someone else.

But it is his reality. And he does have a right to live in it. And I have a right to say no thanks. And he did file the divorce papers; I didn't want a divorce. So yes, technically he walked out on me. For reasons he made up.

I just refuse to allow it to be about me. That's what I mean by changing your perspective. It isn't about you. It's about him. Beating yourself up is him winning. Why let him continue to have this effect on you when he is gone?

There is a big wide world with lots of new adventures waiting out there for me. So what if this one guy comes up with stupid reasons for walking away from his marriage (and family - he had two stepdaughters here) and wants to blame me for it? In the end, so what? It doesn't change who I am as a person, and I like me, so there. He can kiss my big fat white butt.

Onward and upward...I am not beating myself up over any of this. It simply isn't worth my time.

Any guy who walks out on you was not meant to be there in the first place.

I can't climb out of this. I am truly scared.

road trip to Texas!
I think that is a sign! I got a Texas State Travel Guide in the mail last week.
I call navigator!
I do not know why I got this travel guide, it is quite informative, and makes Texas look pretty dang cool.
"It's like a whole other country." <<<<That is clever.

Have you talked with your health care provider for some ideas to help? I did - am just now cycling down off of one of two antidepressants. I also read a ton of books on addictions. Had a counselor for a while. And of course, here and Al-Anon.

It has not been an easy road, but the one thing I refused to do was carry his sh!t on my back. I was a good wife - did the best I could and more! What I have struggled with is the loss and sadness of not realizing my dreams of a healthy, successful relationship and marriage. That still gets me sometimes. On occasion, the thought creeps up that I won't ever meet anyone else (the "all the good men are gay or married" thinking). I have moments where I look in the mirror and think "I'm FAT" or damn where did those wrinkles come from? But I let it pass on by - I refuse to internalize this situation that way. But it has been a battle between me and my own stinkin thinkin to get to where I am today. I have been at war with those voices in my head. And I am winning! ; )

You are a smart lady...you have your stuff together. Go read your responses to others here - obviously you've "got it" in your head...its just not channeling to your heart yet.

Why do you feel this one is so much worse L2L?
What are you afraid of?
this one seems to have knocked you back more, but as long as you are alive, you win!
Can you speak about what it is here?
Please, please do not give up on yourself, at least give yourself half of what you gave to those who (in my opinion) did not deserve your attention?

You might feel dead, but you are not dead. You have shut down because this is so painful.
What happened that a wonderful, loving and supportive person such as yourself does not want to feel the pain and get through it?

I can tell you and this board the worse fear I had was the shame.
The shame of driving my kids when I was so drunk I could not remember driving home.
The shame of letting a terrible man that was my friendly happy funny husband, bring me down to the depths of despair and blame it on me.
The shame of not taking care of my own problems.
Shame sucks, it has burned a spot near my heart.
When I hear a certain song, or smell a certain odor, it all rushes back. It is only through recovery I am still standing when that freight train comes roaring through.
I still have that burning spot, but I do not drink over it.
I hope that has helped you in some small way. You can get your life back L2L. You will.
I have no doubts about that.

:ghug3

Beth

Thanks Tuffgirl, thanks Beth. I'm better now. I called a friend. I'm going to be OK.

How wonderful you have a friend to call!
I am so glad you feel better.
Sometimes, just hearing a friendly voice brings it out.
My daughter called last Friday, crying about a fight with her boyfriend.
Normally, I am "Ma" or "Mom" when I said hello, she said "Mommmmmy!"
Of course it all worked out, but she heard my voice and all the hurt came out.
I am safe. And she is only 19, and still stumbling a little (choices in men). who would know?

Beth

PS There are times I wish I could call my Mommy. :cries3:

texas is pretty dang cool. except during the summer, of course. it's hot as blazes right now! ;) and we WERE an independent republic for almost a decade, so that "whole other country" slogan is accurate. :) y'all come on to the friendly state! i promise you lots of snow-cones, water parks, amazing air conditioning, a little laundry folding, and good southern hospitality. :)

l2l, i'm glad you had someone to call to help you out of your funk. you're stronger than you feel right now. big hugs!!

Hi there Learn2Live. Sorry to hear you are hurting so much.

Some of what you shared is exactly how I have felt.

You got here the same way all the rest of us got here. Dazed and confused. When a tornado rips thru your life there is no other way to be. Have you ever heard the story of the frog in the pot? That describes me perfectly. My ex didn't just pop out of a hat in a complete state of insanity. She snuck up on it very slowly, little by little, one day at a time. That's why I didn't notice until the lid blew off the pressure cooker I was in.

Me :)

After my divorce I could not take off my wedding ring. Seriously. Months went by and I was so _ashamed_ of _me_ that I could not bare anybody looking at me and knowing that I had lost my marriage. Here is the crazy part. I had moved to a different _state_ and not a single soul had a clue who I was, never mind cared that I was divorced. If I had taken off the ring not a person in this city of millions would have known the difference.

I was ashamed because somewhere in my childhood I thought that bad people, like my parents, had bad marriages and divorces. Therefore good people were married and _not_ divorced. Makes sense to a battered 8 year old. My problem was that I forgot to discard those old feelings of my ACA childhood. Marriage has nothing to do with good people or bad people. Just like the rising of the sun has nothing to do with good or bad.

Yes, that is exactly how I felt. Took me the better part of a year but I got myself out and went dating. Whadya know, I fell in love again. Wonderful, charming, adorable young lady.

Who turned out to be addicted to anorexia. Who turned out to be yet another tornado thru my life. And thru the lives of a lot of people that loved her around these places. So my heart was broken again.

Except this time I got out sooner. 5 years instead of 20. This time it did not hurt anywhere near as long, and I did not blame myself anywhere near as much.

I have learned that pain is evidence of weakness leaving the body. A broken heart is evidence of a stronger heart being built. I am doing much, much better this time around. In fact, her ex before me met me for coffee and we had a great talk. Both of us feeling like idiots for not seeing what we could not see.

You will get over this, just like all the rest of us "alanoids" survive and overcome. Not all in one day, but little by little. Me? My heart is all full of super glue and duct tape in the broken parts, it's ready for another round ;)

So what do I do? I start chatting with a charming blue-eyed red-head at a meeting. Lovely lady, very nice. Then she tells me she just joined Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous a few weeks ago. I have got _some_ radar for picking unavailable people. Ok, so my heart is ready, but my head is not. Maybe I'll go join CODA.

Hang in there L2L. We're all going to get out of this mess together, little by little.

Mike :)

you know, I might be visiting some time, i am looking for a warmer place and a lot less snow. I could handle north carolina, when school was called off for snow blowing across the road. But here in Michigan, get in that car and drive! IN a foot of over night snow.

I am going to get to reading that Texas book. Pretty cool stuff. Maybe I have a secret admirer who wants to entice me there. Yeah, and maybe I have an over active imagination! Whatever works. LOL (wait, with the exception of substances, they never work!)
Next will come a paid for moving truck. :rotfxko

Beth

Thank you Mike.
Yes, I found another one, not addicted, but emotionally unavailable. completely.
I couldn't understand why he would not call or text for a month or two, the signs were there, I refused to see.
I am 53, and I am not giving up. I have learned a lot of things, I am a good person, and I deserve a good partner. Gotta be a good one though, no more foolishness.

Beth

Goodness, you're just a young-un. My Mom had out-lived _3_ husbands at age 87. Mind you she is not a widow, she is _single_ and has _two_ boyfriends to prove it. Couple months ago she made 99. Still loves to watch football, still has two boyfriends. Refuses to date anybody younger than 90, she says those young boys don't know nothing ;)

oops, sorry for the hijack :(

Mike :)

I think, for a while, quite a while, maybe forever, I am going to be my own best partner.

That would make me very happy, just now. Just to BE.

BothSidesNow

I do not trust myself enough to be "serious" with anyone at this point.
I know I got a lot to heal in my soul.

L2L you can heal. Somewhere, I read that when there is some trauma or huge loss, the psyche discerns the impact. You either go crazy OR mourn & have your sanity restored. Your loss is very fresh, but it will get better, this is the power of the human mind.

Yoga? I have done slightly more yoga lately. Priceless.
Hugs and you are not alone! I also learn a huge deal from your posts, and thanks to your sharing about your last cohabitation experience, I was convinced not to move again with a loser and risk losing myself again.

Thank you DesertEyes, BothSidesNow, and TC.

I keep searching for the lesson in this break-up but I don't seem to be able to find it. I am so emotionally exhausted, and have been obsessively thinking about him for weeks on end, that I cannot think straight. I know I am not taking care of myself. Everybody says it's going to take months.

He obviously was unhappy about something but I wish he would have talked to me about it. And I wish I could have talked to him about what was making me unhappy. What a mess.

for me, the more i search, the less i understand. give yourself time to process. it may take months for you, and you may not even recognize the lesson for what it is until later. but, eventually, you will know what it is you were to learn. and you will be a stronger woman for it.

i wish for so many things to have gone differently in my relationship but, in the end, i don't think it would have mattered. my xabf was pretty good about talking to me about things that bothered him, but tended to get very frustrated with the things that bothered me, so i finally learned to clam up and respond with the passive aggressive, "i'm fine." i know that i could have done everything the way he *wanted* and it still would not have been enough.

you're going through the muck and mire now, but you will come out free and clean. you will regain your confidence and find your serenity. be kind to your bleeding heart and quiet your mind. you can do this!!!

:ghug3