I met a lady in Al-Anon years ago whose abusive AH died when they were in their 50s.
She met the love of her life when she was 75. :)
So there's no hurry.

Summerpeach until you can find happiness and security within yourself, you won't find it in a relationship. I'm just wondering where you are going to meet such a person?

A Woman who loved too much
 

I have been in your shoes, and it is taking a lot of soul searching and self discovery to figure out why we choose these men. I read a really great book recently called " Woman Who Love To Much" by Robin Norwood

If you have not read it, run out and grab it,, If you read it then might be time to read it again,,but I worn you it's a tough one and you will need to be ready to face some hard facts about unhealthy choices.

The first time I read it, I sat and cried, because I found so much of myself in her words. Yes I was a woman who looked at a man for what he could be,, and not what he actually was. Good men I found boring and uninteresting. And I am still trying to discover how I will make a better choice for myself next time around. As for now, single is best for me until I am able to make a healthier choices.

I sure wish you luck the best of luck in your journey.

Hey Summer Welcome Back!

I have great news. You, myself and L2L are all part of the same club now. Here's how I didn't take my own advice and moved my AH BACK into my house. Can you believe it?

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...uch-worse.html

The best news though is that I'm starting to feel better about myself, forgive myself and start working the program again.

You're in good company Sister. Welcome Back
Transform

I had to laugh at this cuz It's me to a tee, if I bump into the "damsel in distress" type. Instantly attracted to them. My buddys have a running joke that if a skinny blond with big...lets say, eyes.. walks into a bar she'll catch my eye. If she's a train wreck she'll catch half my estate too.

Not to make light of this, cuz at least for me it's key. As long as I'm with a strong woman there's no wonky codie dynamic coming out of left field. I fight back the urge to rescue women I meet that are not the strong independent type and so far I've kept myself out of trouble. Still single.. but not in trouble with a train wreck.

My 13 year marriage had no wonky codie dynamic cuz S was the strong independent type. Maybe it's the same for you Peach?

Please don't be ashamed, Summerpeach. I just came from a therapy appointment where my therapist referred to guilt and shame as "the ****** sisters" and said they have no useful place in recovery. Feeling that way is part of the whole cycle of compulsive codependent behavior but once we're aware and can see what we're doing, we have the power to change it and break free.

Just a few weeks ago, I broke up with my ABF for the SIXTH time. That's right, I went back five times, even though I KNEW he was turning me into a crazy person. You want to talk guilt and shame? I can relate to what you said about your dad, because my 19-year-old daughter cried over what she saw me doing to myself with this person. She begged me to leave him. But like most of us here, I got sucked in during a very vulnerable time (I had just been suddenly widowed). Combine that with a little childhood dysfunction and a dash of low self-esteem and you've got a recipe for disaster. It helps to explain how we got into this mess, but now it's our responsibility to forgive ourselves and get out.

Once we know better, we can do better.

My therapist gave me homework--maybe it will help you?--to create a radical self-love bible, as described at galadarling.com. I think all of us here could use some radical self-love, to keep us strong and impervious to the siren songs of charming sociopaths.

Kudos for coming here and sharing your story with us. That was a huge step toward recovery!

I have to ask, if you were not into him, why did he even have your phone #, much less coming to your house?

I gave him my number before I knew much about him. And why he came to my house, simple, cause I'm a codie mess......

thanks everyone......I know I need to go easy on myself and accept that I screwed up, but I was like "really, again?"
I was doing so well after I left my ex 2 yrs ago, and this guy, I never saw potential (obviously) but I let my eyes and hormones do all the "thinking" for me.
Before my PTSD, I would have NEVER allowed a person like this near me. Verbal abuse or any sort of moral corruption was so out of my realm of thinking and being, I would have laughed at this guy, but as time wore me down and life got lonelier, it all just seemed ok!

Since I was 16, I've been single a total of 4 yr (on and off), I've also lived alone for 12 yrs since my ex of 11 yrs left.....so I thought living alone was a great step to finding me and leaving a yr in between relationships was good time, but I can honestly say, I hate being without a relationship.
I know my judgement with people and men are so off, My perception is skewed OBVIOUSLY, but I always think cause I turn down many other men that are just yucky or totally not my type, that I was doing ok.

My denial with this guy was thick. It's been 2 months since I've seen him, but really, up until 3 weeks ago, I would have taken him back. He didn't chase me and pretty much left me alone.....lucky me.

"I'm 46, but look younger so I have a few good years left yet to find a good man ;-)"

Good grief, that would be the last thing on my mind. Your picker is broke, until you get
yourself healthy, nothing will improve and if a women believes that she needs a man to complete her, there is something wrong.

That sounds like the root of the problem to me. And also a very good place to start with a therapist.

L

These people are very persistent. They know you better than you know yourself. No matter what you say, they keep trying to get you to be with them and they know what you crave. Sociopaths can be very charming. To them it is a game. We want excitement and fun and yes even danger. But everyday we need to wake up with the decision that we are going to include in our lives only healthy people. We need to have that resolve and we need to remind ourselves. We need to create and maintain and guard our own boundaries. I am also historically swayed. Don't beat yourself up Peach.

Right, my 11 yrs relationship was so calm, "normal" and no codie dynamics. He actually cheated on me though and left me for someone.

But yeah, like you, put me in a room with 100 men, I will fine the one who's the most damaged.

It's not the first thing on my mind, right now, my healing is on my mind.

Why so many judgements from some of you?
We do not need anyone to complete us, but we are pack animals and we do need companionship, so my comment was simply stating I have time to find a good partner.

brutha

I don't know about that. I'm also someone who really prefers to be in a relationship, but I don't think this is unusual or unhealthy. It's human nature to want to share our lives with a partner. We all want love. Yes, there's platonic love, and familial love, and self love, but let's face it: none of those are quite the same thing as having a life companion.

We should all be okay and relatively happy being single for reasonable amounts of time, but there's nothing wrong with wanting a relationship. It's pretty much the universal human desire. Life is just better when you have someone special to share it with.

It's not the root, but thx for your wisdom and judgement which I don't appreciate now or ever did in the past

thank L2L....you're so right and I needed to hear this.Thanks
Oddly, this guy was actually not even charming (cringing), it was like this odd bond we had because we had a lot in common and were related to each others pains.
What's odd is, I have so many healthy friends in my life, but the men, well I need them to be messed up so I don't feel so broken around healthier men

thanks again...hug

I agree and thank you......I do believe this post was about riding my a&ss since this is what this poster did with me in the past.

And again, I agree, it's human nature to want to be in a partnership.

No judgement, just something I learned about myself along the way. I agree wanting a relationship is natural and normal. What's not healthy is needing a relationship, hating being without one so much that we sacrifice our own well being just to have one. I had to learn to like my own company enough, love myself enough, that a romantic relationship became optional, not mandatory. And the paradox is, once I got to that point, I was able to be in a relationship with a healthy partner.

Just my experience. Take what you like and leave the rest.

L

Decisions made to cure lonliness usually do not have good outcomes.

An oldie but goodie book is "Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives" by Laura Schlessinger. While I do not agree with the authors subsequent politics, she knows relationships. You can pick up a used copy at Amazon for 1 cent + S/H.