transformyself

It's been a loooong road for me with AH.

We're living together again, after a few months of AH sobriety and what appeared to be sanity, we decided to combine households again to save money and do things like buy a better car, be able to buy the kids clothes, take them on vacation. We agreed to a one year plan.

Now he's drinking again of course, raging at me -mostly through email. I am so disgusted by him. There's no love, no compassion from me. I clearly need to detach emotionally and feel like I do it sometimes but I'm immobilized by anxiety most of the time.

Of course there are no new cars. I was able to buy a very old Mercedes that I thought would be durable, and it is, but it's constantly breaking down. First the brakes, now the ignition, so we're sharing his car and still there is no money. He's angry with me for not bringing in more money and nothing I do is good enough. He wants to argue about it all the time and I just walk away, which makes things worse.

He says he doesn't want to support me anymore and i don't blame him but this is Michigan, there aren't jobs. I own a small business and it's suffering because I'm such a stress case.

This was the stupidest thing I have done in my life, seriously, after being separated for three years. I was free of him at least, free of this madness. At least when we weren' living together the kids and I could get away.
I think I've the reason I"ve created this mess is really about my ACOA stuff. I see that now. I'm baffled by it, and want more than anything for it to be healed.

I guess this is what I needed to do to be able to divorce him.

I can barely stand to be in the room with him. He's not violent, but has been very nasty to me recently while drunk about how I'm never home, I don't do anything around the house.

I told him yesterday that the next time he starts in on me while he's drunk I will call the police. And I will. I can't take it anymore.

I have a lawyer who will do my divorce FOR FREE I just need $150 to file the papers with the court.

I don't think I've ever been this jacked up. And I did it to myself--and my poor kids. The worst part is having no income. I make $1000 a month and my rent is $1100. It's why I justified having him move in to begin with, that and I actually believed he wouldn't drink. what an idiot I am. I can't figure out how to make more money either.

One of the things that surprises me the most is how living with him has eroded my self esteem. He says and emails the nastiest thing to me and I believe them on some level. Even when he twists things horribly, I am inclined to engage, defend myself. but that's where the trap lies.

But I do not engage. That much I've learned. And it makes him even more angry. I have found the lawyer. I am waiting until early february for some money to file.

I'm so worried about filing while he's living here and not sure of how to get him out of the house. he's going to be furious because he's already told me he's not giving me any money, but the lawyer said he'll have to. He's been paying most of the bills, and says this is his house and I should get out. He's on the lease. I'll talk to my attorney about it and see what he says but my anxiety and fear is through the ceiling. I've had diarhiaa for a good month. (sorry I know that's gross)

Please don't give me holy hell about putting my kids at risk, I know what I did and am working to fix it and have so much guilt already. What good is guilt over my actions? Why did I create this? I guess it doesn't matter now, just fixing it matters. I'm looking for counciling for the kids again, but there are no reduced rate services around here.

This **** is so insidous. I feel so guilty and ashamed. Maybe that's what I was looking for, to grind myself into the ground a bit more.

Pelican

Welcome back to the family forum T - we kept the light on for you.

Here's a brief refresher on the slogans to gently guide you through the journey:

This too shall pass

Patience, more will be revealed

One Day at a Time (sometimes 5 minutes at a time)

Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can, and the
Wisdom to know the difference.

transformyself

Oh Pelican. Thank you. I"m so ashamed. I don't think I"ve ever been this low.

suki44883

I think we all do what we think is right at the time. If this is what it took for you to finally realize that it is never going to work between the two of you, then it has served a purpose. Now, you can move ahead without feeling like you didn't try everything in your power.

We're with you in spirit and as always, are here to support you. You can do this.

Pelican

I understand.

I too needed to sink a little bit lower with my AXH to reach my bottom. I also believed the sobriety was authentic (we were long distance dating). I wanted to believe it would work out. I chose to believe and deny the red flags.

I got what I needed though, I needed to realize that some people can stay in my heart, but not in my life. That is where my AXH belongs.

I needed to discover more about myself in the process.

The good news:

I forgave myself.
I forgave my AXH, again, for not being what I wanted him to be.
I love myself for where I am today and who I am.

I believe you will find your way, and you will be okay!

transformyself

Thank you Suki and Pelican

Well coming here was hard, to swallow my pride that is, but it's making it even more clear how amazingly screwed up I am. How I believe the things he says about me. While he's saying them I just feel angry, but now, here with you guys, I realize I think it's all true.

I know I have a long way to go. Good news? weight loss.

laurie6781

Good to see you back T, I have been wondering where you were, and praying for you and the children also.

Please don't be hard on yourself. I think you needed to see this one last time to really 'get it'. I guess your HP did too.

Now is the time to conjure up the BIG WHITE AFLAC DUCK and keep that picture firmly in the front of your mind when he starts his rants. And think what the AFLAC DUCK does.


QUACK, QUACK, QUACK, QUACK, QUACK

As that is all it is ................................. QUACKING.


Also, every time he starts up, just picture, where ever you are, the room is FILLED with ALL of us here. That can be a VERY POWERFUL image and can help you to NOT engage, and to realize that he is QUACKING and we are ALL LAUGHING AT HIM.

J M H O

We are here for you, and you know we walk with you in spirit.

Love and hugs,

MsPINKAcres

((T))

Oh Sweetie - please close the door on the guilt and shame ~

I had to walk that path too ~ I had to go back one last time many years ago - I had to know for sure that I had done everything I could to try to make it work ~

YOU have kept your side of the street clean - you have exhausted all of your efforts ~ Now you know it has nothing to do with you ~ Sweetie, please give yourself a break ~

This disease BEATS us up enough - please please please stop adding to it ~

Look in your mirror every morning and Repeat "Dear Higher Power, I know we got thru yesterday, please help us get thru today!"

Breathe, Just Breathe ~

Remember the steps to protect you and the kids when you decide to tell your ah about the break up ~
just some suggestions. . .
have the kids be somewhere else (they really don't need to see or hear all the drama)
do it during the DAY ~ nite seems to make it worse
have your phone and keys with you and have an EXIT plan in case things get out of hand
have a trusted friend check on you & be prepared to call the authorities if you don't answer the phone!

I know this may seem a little over the top ~ but as you have seen posted on our SR site - we are often surprised about what the alcoholics/addicts do when face with this type of situation - my thoughts are it is always better to be safe than sorry!

Prayers for the very best for you!!

PINK HUGS,
Rita

catlovermi

(((Nothing but a warm hug, from me.)))

We're here for you.

CLMI

Seren

Hi T! I'm happy to see you!

So sorry to hear about everything, but the good news is that you have the tools you need to make this better for yourself and your children.....

And, if I'm remember the old saying "pride goes before the fall". Don't let you pride keep you stuck, keep you from living a better life!

Hugs, HG

transformyself

Laurie I can't believe I FORGOT about all of this. The quacking ducks will really help I hope. What is that? What is the dynamic that made me forget all the simple phrases that used to keep me sane and offer me comfort?

He email me this two weeks ago, so I can't believe he would be surprised by me filing.


See how he does that? He knows my pain over not being present with my older son and pulls it out to hurt me. I wanted to shoot him when i got this, but instead called a friend who is a lawyer and asked for help.

He's a recovering A, the friend, and said he has been waiting for me to make this decision and he will represent me for free, i just need the filing fees.

Rita thank you none of that seems over the top. I am scared really. I don't understand it.

He's off today, sleeping on the couch after spending the night texting me how horrible I am and drinking. Of course he totally cleaned the house during his all night bender and that somehow equals I'm a ****** mother because he had to do laundry and clean- I'm a poor excuse for a mother as you can see in the email above.

Both kids are home too. One has no school today and the other is sick. I'm suppose to be working, so I can look forward to trying to avoid him all day while trying to work from home. That's one of his pet peeves, when I have my face, "stuck in the computer ignoring the kids."

I thank you ALL for your prayers and kind words. Not sure why it makes me feel undeserving, but i've climbed out of this pit before. At least I know where the ladder is.

naive

hi transformie!

perhaps best not to leave SR again! see what's happened!

i'm wondering how you can get out of there...is there anyone you can move in with? sister? friend? mother?

it sounds a really unhealthy environment for you...

or, is there anyone you can ask for money? i found when i explained my situation to people, they were willing to help me financially. some rich friend that can give you $5K to move out and get divorced? sell something? perhaps your wedding ring can be pawned?

naive

transformyself

Naive LOL thank you for the laugh, yes I better not leave SR again, but you know how ill behaved I can be. I thought it best at the time, considering I can be such a flaming a$$.

I will think about borrowing money. I would rather he move out, and will find out if that's a reality after I file. I really love this neighborhood and my neighbors. I don't want to move the kids again, we've moved 4 times in 9 years. How horrible.

But what's best for my children will be to not live with us together. I still have a fantasy of someone buying the house I had to move from last year that's right around the corner and maybe working on letting me buy it on land contract. It only has two bedrooms though.

The lawyer said when I file, he'll ask for an injunction on his income. He has stocks he can sell soon, I know that much.

I'm trying to shake my guilt, as I haven't been home much. I try to stay away when he's home but have to stop doing that.

I realized just now that he's probably lashing out at me because I told him he has to not be drunk when our sons friends come over. That and he's just pissed at me in general.

But I also remember that to try to figure it out and defend myself is a waste of time.

Weird how fast I became totally screwed up again.

TakingCharge999

(((hugs))) Transformie so glad to hear about you although I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time. Got you in my thoughts.

I feel ashamed as well because I am still in contact with XBF, not the alcoholic one, but the last one and I feel I can't move on. We kind of have a "good friendship" but I still wonder what I am doing interacting with him. In any case guilt is not helpful. What is helpful is to look at oneself honestly and you are already doing it. I am sorry you are suffering about money. That is a huge stressor by itself, and adding all the rest....

Have you consulted your spiritual guide?
More hugs from your friend TC999.

jfrancis0626

Hey Transform! Im am soo very sorry to hear that your dealing with this crap. I know how hard it is. Just wanted to say a few things. YOU ARE A GREAT MOTHER. He is telling you these horrible things to try and make his shame and guilt feel better. Just by trying to destroy your heart. But You gotta know that your a good mom. Hes the peice o' turd. AND HE KNOWS IT!! Thats probably why he gets so angry when you dont give in to his crap. And just so you know, you can get him out of that house. You can get a protection order, that would make it so he had to leave. ou might have to say that your afraid of him, but you gotta do what you have to in order to keep your kids protected, if not physically, but emotionally...Best of luck to you sweetie! You can do this!!!

TakingCharge999

"If you think you are your a fool."

He does not know basic English rules! Who is the fool now??

transformyself

HI TC

Yes, my guides smile and say, "You forgot Creator is your eternal partner," and other mystical things like that. No offers for money, so far...

I"m so glad to see you!

MyBetterWorld

I know you would rather HE move out, but if the rent is higher than your income maybe you should? I know moving is hard, but it truly might be better in the long run for you and the kids?

I was surprised to see your name this morning-I like to think when people disappear from the forum that they are in a good place and don't need us anymore! Happy to have you back, but sad that you NEED to be back.

transformyself

Ooookay, now he's awake and mumbling ****** things to me under his breath. Thank you for the reminder to keep praying nad saying the serenity prayer..

fourmaggie

I sooo agree what RITA has said in this....we all make misstakes...thats the learning curve of life and our journey...

in my prayers...~Maggie~