Being sober for 26 years is no guarantee
 

I have known my ah for 11 years. We have been married for 5 of them. When I met him he told me that he was a recovering alcoholic (and until now he had been for 26 years).

After he got sober (through AA), he went back to school for this degree and his masters. In social work. He worked at drug rehab places, etc. I thought wow -this man has truly addressed his problems

His previous home life was not that stellar (family issues) but I believe that people can overcome that.

Fast forward to about 6 months ago. And while I realize nothing happens overnight, and there were signs I did not see then. He started getting "more" moody ( as all alcoholics have depression I have learned, in some form or fashion). He was more angry...more opionionated...etc. And he started talking about drinking, well more wistfully wishing he could. At that point I said he probably needed to go back to AA. Nope...that was not going to happen. (He had stopped going to AA meetings about 5 years into the program).

I have been told that it only takes one drink for an alcoholic to be a drunk. I was told right. Drinking, lying (which used to be his most wonderful quality he did not lie...I hope). Binging, apologizing, binging again. (oh, and going to AA meetings so he could say he was working his program) All of this happened in 6 months. Because once you have been an alcoholic if you go back, you tend to go right back to where you were when you stopped.

During this time he decided he was going through a 'mid life crisis'. I guess that meant, you know I don't want to be married...to you...and I want to be able to do what I want (drink and whatever). So 3 weeks ago, he went out and didn't come home. He appeared at 3pm the next day...new car had supposedly been "broken into"....and he would not tell anyone what happened. Mental anguish he called it.

I did not mention that he also has been perscribed Ambien, Zanax and countless other meds by a well known psychiatrist.

He told me that he was unhappy and wanted a divorce.

I am going to Al-Anon (which showed me I am not totally crazy) and found a therapist (which is helping me not to implode from the hurt and pain). And I read every book, article, etc to help me figure this whole thing out.

What I am learning that no matter how much I cry...no matter how much I pray....I cannot change the current situation. This sucks. But I am a "fixer" which is what we all learn to be. Someone once told me....garbage in...garbage out. You can only stuff so much anger, resentment, etc inside before it comes out.

This is the first time since this has happened I have written it all down. Even if no one reads it, it has helped.:cries3:

Hello Sanity2012,
I am so glad you found this place. What a terrible thing to happen to you. After 26 years of sobriety. I am grateful for the reminder that my 15 + years means nothing really, just one day at a time.
A complete turnaround in a manner of six months? I have not known anyone that has that long sober and went back, but it is true about going back to where you dropped off.

Now that he has decided on a divorce, I see you are going to AlAnon.
It is so important that you do get it out and get support for yourself.
Do you have friends and family nearby? They could be helpful too.
Please come here when ever you feel the need to get it out.

This is a wonderful forum with great people who have experience strength and hope to share with you. No you cannot change the current situation, but you can change how you deal with it. I am glad you are here.

Beth

:ghug3

Hugs to you. I'm sorry you are going through this. Twenty six years and then falling back down the stairs. Wow. We are here with you, so come here to vent as much as you'd like. We will read it, and you're right - it does help.

Thanks
 

I am learning that all things happen for a reason and most of those we don't get for quite a while. I go to Al-Anon and listen to the stories but something here touched me and I appreciate your replies. Nothing is forever as they say, including sobriety if those you care about don't work it. Work it for yourself...not for someone else. That part is hard. To care about someone else is easy, to care about yourself is more difficult for those that are in this situation. I tell my therapist and Al-Anon I just want to stop crying. Then they tell me that is what I need to do to heal. Great! ;)

This is my most favorite quote right now:

"As for you, my galvanized friend, you want a heart. You don't know how lucky you are not to have one. Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable." - The Wizard to the Tin Man

He may have been getting a "buzz" from the ambien & xanex the whole time. Sadly, I knew someone also with 20+ yrs of sobriety & when he return to the bottle he lost his job, wife ect... within a year.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this, yes it sucks. My AH was sober(without any program) for 15 years. Well, he was dry, not really sober but he had truly stayed away from alcohol for 15 years. Then, his depression crept up, then he started drinking while I was away for weekends, then he started drinking at home at night when I was asleep, etc. It's a vicious cycle and alcoholics must remain vigilant every single day to stay away from the booze, prescription meds, etc. Keep coming back to SR, lots of great advice to be heard.

Xanax (benzodiazepine) is a poor choice for a recovering alcoholic as it acts on the brain in the same manner as alcohol and benzos combined with alcohol super magnify the effects of alcohol and should never be taken together. Alkies LOVE to mix the two as it makes one drink seem like you drank 4 drinks and very often leads to extreme nastiness and blackouts.

It is so sad to hear of someone relapsing after doing well for so long ... this is why I have determined in my heart that I will never get involved wth a person with addictive history even if sober... I could not take the stress of the uncertainty and very real possibility of relapse. Life is simply too short to take the chance again....

I'm so sorry. You are clearly so very heartbroken.

It would seem the prescription narcotics "awakened the beast." It is well known that recovering addicts should avoid all mood-altering substances, as they will trigger the obsession and compulsion mechanisms in the addict brain. Recovering addicts who have surgery have to have intense support afterward to avoid full-blown active addiction as a result of narcotics in surgery and after-care.

He is in the cyclone of addiction right now, and he has no idea what he is doing. His abandonment of you is part of his mental chaos.

He knows where help is and he knows it works. But his addiction has become a lot more complicated with the benzos, as they are very hard to get off, and extremely dangerous to stop cold turkey. He will need medically supervised detox and intense rehab, probably, followed by a return to a 12 step program worked daily and rigorously, multiple weekly meetings for a long time. He is as lost at sea right now as a man can be.

So: that leaves you and your life, and your responsibility to yourself, and your responsibility to the other relationships in your life, for he is off on a long voyage right now, and there is no telling whether he will return nor in what condition. You can pace back and forth on a lonely balcony. Or you can straighten your shoulders and do your work: recovery and life.

The rest of his story and yours will unfold, beyond your control, your timing, your design.

Continue your meetings, continue counseling. Stay on track. More will unfold.

Of course we will read your posts, look how many I got and these GREAT people have not kicked me out yet :lmao

I hope your heart keeps healing. This too shall pass. Honestly, it will, you are taking the steps to get there by Alanon and counseling.

Thanks so much for sharing your story. I went out with an active alcoholic and thought "perhaps if he hadn't found someone else" "perhaps he was not really an alcoholic" "perhaps if he got sober everything would be fine" and I have read all the different scenarios get you the same heartache. There is no way to "win".. alcoholism is horrible, after so many years I can only imagine how much this hurts. Perhaps this pain transforms to gratitude for the good times lived? that is how I feel nowadays.

Hugs, let us know how you are feeling.

In the book "Women who run with wolves" the author mentions in many stories/myths how the woman figure cried and how the tears kept demons away. Tears protect her.

In my case I was in so much pain I was unable to get back to XABF and try "one more time". I truly feel tears saved my life. I would have gone back, back again, back again to active alcoholism.


Cry all you need to but remember you are not alone. We are rooting for your success (sanity, peace, health, joy.. ) over here

A guru told me that, while crying, to imagine another me hugging myself and consoling the one in pain. This visualization has helped me.

I truly believe crying is already healing. A space opens in the end.


PS I recommend "the Grief club" by Melody Beatty, its about dealing with all sorts of changes including ones related to addictions.

I'm so sorry. This must be so terrible.

I dont know what else to say except I'll send you strength

I hope everything works out. It always does, just sometimes not the way we wish. FYI, the above quote is wrong. Not all alcoholics have depression in one form or another. Active alcoholism is depressing yes, but alcoholics don't necessarilly have any form of depression, though it is correct that many, but not all deal with this.

I want to send love and light your way. I'm a cryin mess too, but I believe there will be a lot of healing when the tears dry. I am so proud of you for sharing your story here and for going to Al-Anon. It took me a long time to go to my very first meeting.

Keep going to meetings and posting here.

Love,

Lily

Welcome, Sanity. So very sorry for your situation that brought you here, but I hope you find the peace and solace and many new friends as I have in this wonderful place!

Keep reading and keep coming back!
~T

Just my opinion. xanaax is not a poor choice and you dont "catch a buzz" from it or ambian. I have been sober 29 years and prescribed meds which i need. Just my opinion; sounds like he completely lost his foundation of alcoholism recovery and is now "insane". Please take care of YOURSELF. Thats the MOST important thing. I am a "fixer " too. I had to separate from the people i wanted to fix. Let go of that behavior quick. I wish you the best.

Wow, I identified strongly with your experience.. My AH had stopped drinking (although not for 26 years--mine lasted 5). I recognize all those symptoms you talk about leading up to the relapse--the depression, the wistfulness and talk about missing drinking, the unhappiness with the marriage.

His relapse occurred almost simultaneously with our youngest going off to college. He had been more or less the stay-at-home dad while I worked and travelled for business. I think his responsibilities had helped to hold him together--once that glue was gone, he was undone.

When he relapsed, he drank, he went to singles support groups (even though we were never separated during that time--I think he was trying to backfill what he probably expected to be the end of one relationship with a new one). He cried, he complained about me. He went to a "guru" whom he completely manipulated in order to get the permission he was seeking: This woman who I'm sure was well-intentioned but very ill-equipped to counsel an alcoholic, told him, "You're wife is controlling you--why SHOULDN'T you have a glass of wine with your steak?" So that's just what he did.

Meanwhile, I was thrown for a loop; I was in a tizzy--but like you, I went back to AlAnon and also got a therapist.

I just wanted to assure you that I understand everything you said, because I experienced the same thing. Thanks for your story.

I am so very sorry for your pain, dear. :hug:

As a long-term recovering alcoholic/addict (21+ years), I have watched many fall back into the active disease, and it is posts like this that remind me how important my recovery is to me.

As for what his psychiatrist has prescribed him in the past, it is up to your AH to be honest with all his medical providers. I find that being rigorously honest about my alcoholism/addictions with my medical providers (including a psychiatrist) is an integral part of my recovery.

Please be gentle with yourself, and know that you are among friends. :)

I actually thought that with my AH's training in the mental health world he would recognize the situation before it got this bad. Or is that the same as doctor, heal thy self? All those years of me listening to him talk about alcoholics (when he was sober) he was deaf when I repeated what he taught me.

Ambien, Xanax, and countless other meds.

What was this doctor prescribing them for?

Thank you for sharing this...
 

...I think it's very important for us to remember.

Take care,

Cyranoak

Thank you for posting this.

I don't know if this makes any sense at all, but... I left my AXH two years ago. We had friends (he got them in the divorce) who still think I was wrong to leave him. Who think that marriage is for better for worse, in sickness and in health, and the little detail that he threatened to kill us all -- well, that was just the booze talking and when he checked into rehab, I should have danced in the streets and taken him back.

I have seen what you have seen in friends with alcoholism. Of the three active alcoholics I worked with who went to rehab 25 years ago, only one is still sober to this day with no relapses: The one who still attends AA once a week, come hell or high water. No matter where he is. No matter what country. No matter if he understands the language.

Your heart must be breaking. Not only because he has chosen to leave you. But also because the man you've lived with and loved so rapidly returned to where he was at long before you met him. Seeing someone make a disaster of their life is always heartbreaking. Seeing the man you love do it? Must be doubly difficult.

I'm glad you knew where to turn. Lots of big fat hugs.

So tonight I went to my therapist and said...ok, its been 3 weeks, I should have gotten better by now...right? Being given permission to grieve, be mad and it being ok is such a present I cannot tell you. My whole life has always been...deal with it, stop crying....go on.
AH has disappeared from radar - work and family. I think I mentioned he took off wedding band as well. So, if someone else that feels "sorry for his situation, misunderstood, etc" falls for a man with a ring mark on his left hand....I feel sorry for them too. I dream of the day that he "gets it". And today, I actually thought if he did....would I get it as well?

Hi Sanity,

I'm sorry to hear about your husband's mid-life crisis combined with relapse. I guess he gets 'style points' for such a spectacular flame-out?

*sigh* I really hate this disease.

Please, please, please take extra good care of yourself right now! Perhaps make sure your finances and sellable objects are secure, too?

Sending good thoughts and strength!

I was lurking on a recovering A board once, trying to learn, and read a post from a man who said he had been sober over 20 years.
He said he had a "slip". Thats what he told himself. He said his slip lasted for two years. (he was being sarcastic)
He also mentioned that he was chair of his AA home group and had gone to meetings loaded and given advice to newcomers,sponsored several people, etc.

He regained hold of his sobriety. And told his story to his group.

The thread was about 'getting comfortable', and discussed when can an A relax and not be so vigilant about alcohol, and slipping.

His story amazed me. And he was very successful in demonstrating how denial can be strong, and how 20 years means nothing if you lose your gratitude.

I don't know that a relapse after 26 years of sobriety or any other period of time can necessarily be ascribed to lack of involvement in a particular recovery support group, lack of gratitude, lack of a spiritual connection, etc.

To me it seems that the basis of successful recovery is the absolute and unwavering commitment NEVER to resume the behavior, ever, under any circumstances. Not when the times are tough. Not when things are great. NEVER.

Whether this is framed as a lifetime decision (which is how I've done it) or one to be renewed daily, the commitment has to be there. And some folks either never make that commitment, or having made it, they change their minds. Which is why, for me, the bedrock foundation of my recovery is always: I will never drink again, and I will never change my mind.

Not being an active member of a recovery group . . . not being grateful . . . not being happy . . . being too happy . . . none of these are "reasons". They are only excuses for going back on one's commitment.

If those with this disease, can "fix" it by themselves I guess most of us would not be having these conversations. The same could be said for those that love people in the midst of the disease. If I could be what they wanted, needed or thought I should be I would know the powers of the universe. But that did not, does not, and will not work. 26 years to this disease is a water spot on life's timeline. I am trying to learn my own 12 steps of Al-Anon. But unfortunately I am not one to read the instruction manual, and you cannot go from point C to A and back to B successfully. Any pointers? (Acceptance and powerless are the hard parts).

I am so sorry u are going thru this. My AH was sober for over 15 years and was a great guy, husband, father, friend...everyone loved him. He worked hard, we had money saved, planned for retirement, etc. After all the kids were grown n left the house, He relapsed about 8 years ago. I threatened, begged pleaded, for him to get help. He, too, would do a lot of what ur AH is doing. He lost his full time job due to his drunkeness, lost his license due to multiple DWIs. Needless to say, two years ago we separated. he lost everything. Three weeks ago he committed suicide n nobody found him for a week. This is alcoholism. It destroys the person, makes them lose everything, everyone and sometimes even their life.
Thank God I've been in therapy for years n alanon really helped me too. It was a long road for me to get the courage to change the things I can, but I did. I'm in a wonderful, healthy relationship now, and I know I will never again be involved with anyone with any addiction problems, even if they are in recovery. I can't and won't go thru that again.
Hang in there, go to alanon and therapy n pray to your HP....the answers will come.

(((((Sanity2012)))))

I am sorry that you are having to go through this. Please know that we are walking with you in spirit at all times.

When you started this thread, I read it, but just had nothing to respond with. I am a recovering alcoholic. In 4 days I will celebrate 31 years.

When I got sober, there was a group of us that year, some within days of each other, some within months, that stayed sober and have kept in touch all these years. One of those dear friends would have been celebrating 31 years on Oct 18th of this year. I will call him Lee.

Lee, has been a city bus driver for Los Angeles for 30 years and was going to retire on August 31st, and start his retirement. For a while now he has had some health issues that they were trying to figure out what was going on with him.

I got a call from his oldest son today. Last Wednesday, he went in for a 'consult' with his Doctors, yes plural. They had all the results of all his tests. He was diagnosed with ALS (Lou Gehrig's disease), which gives him 2 to 3 years max to live. Thursday he put in for his retirement, effective immediately. After work Thursday, he went to the Liquor store, and I guess from what his son says, bought 2 cases of 1.75 bottles of Rum.

He has been drunk since. Said "F" it. AA folks have been with him, talking with him, watching over him, but he flat out is resisting going to a meeting, says 'there is no point now,' and says 'I will now continue to drink, even if I have to have a straw in the bottle, until I die.'

My alcoholic side is saying, 'I understand, I wonder if I was given that death sentence if I might say "F" it also.' My codie side is saying 'what can I do to help him see this is not the answer?' I am very concerned about his sons, and his ex wife who is also a friend. They have remained friends all these years, and she herself has 27 years sobriety. She called me after her meeting tonight and she is very upset. I suggested that she go to some Alanon meetings and call my Alanon sponsor. She said she would call her after our phone call.

There are no guarantees ......................... I have seen many go back out, with lots of years of sobriety. There is no one answer as to why. No one knows what will set them off, he!! I don't know what would set me off.

What I want to do is go out there and 'shake' some sense into him. I was even on the Southwest Air site, looking at what flight times from here to Burbank, lol. What I will do is hit my favorite Alanon meeting tomorrow, and some others this week.

Once more I find myself praying to HP asking HP to watch over all of us still practicing, practicing again, and in recovery and that Thy Will be done not mine.

Love and hugs,

Wow. That is so sad. :-(

Such a horrible disease. And we are all here just trying to figure out how to cope with watching loved ones self destruct.

:hug: to you and your children. Such a horrible loss.

Love,

Lily