Someone talk some sense into me!
 

AH is asking me to give him three months and to come to his therapy appointment on Friday. I am so angry at him for his drunken craziness. He is of course saying how sorry he is. The hard part of this is the psycho that I've been dealing with for the last two weeks is not the person I live with 99% of the time. He says he can do it, that if I don't see him committed to getting help for the next three months, just walk away. I know he was able to go for a year without drinking and I'm sure he could do that again, but I know this goes much deeper than that. Do I go to the psychologist appointment with him or tell him I'm done? Do people like him ever change? The million dollar question, I know..either way I'm not going home. I'm just wondering if I should give counseling a try or sever all ties and proceed with legal separation.

My two cents worth...Sever all ties and proceed with legal separation.

This guy has MANY problems other than drinking. You KNOW that. He is an abusive, narcissistic egomaniac and a control freak. He is pulling out all the stops to make you doubt yourself. Go back and read the way he talked down to you. You KNOW he is an abuser. The reason he is tossing this pile of horseshite out there is because he senses that you are getting away. You are his punching bag, both physically and emotionally.

Please, PLEASE do not backtrack on all the progress you have made. Please.

You have to ask yourself some difficult questions:
1) Do you love him still?
2) Are you willing to set aside your anger for a couple of hours to attend a counselling sessions that could possibly lead to change?
3) Does attending the session with you pose potential harm for you?
4) Are you just really fed up with it all and need a break?

It is possible to stay sober and change, but often relapses are part of the recovery process and valuable information can be gained from them if the addict is serious about recovery.

A wise lady told me once if I am unsure of what to do don't make any drastic decisions.

I suggest a bit of soul searching, self care, some fun if you can muster, and maybe go talk to a counsellor about it!

Please share more of your story!

(((Emmy))) - yes, people DO change (I'm living proof) BUT I would wait to see actions, rather than trust his words.

I was great at telling people what I thought they wanted to hear when I was using. It wasn't until I hit rock bottom and ACTED like a recovering addict. I had a job, I paid bills, I was where I said I'd be at any given time.

You don't owe him another chance. If anything, HE needs to put actions behind his words.

Personally, I would let him go to his own therapy meeting. If you need therapy, get your own therapist. Let him SHOW he's committed to recovery and stand back while he does this.

If he needs anyone to get into recovery, it's other RA's and possibly a therapist who is familiar with addiction.

He's a big boy...I say let him walk the walk, instead of talking the talk.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

These are the titles to your last several threads.

I feel like I've Just Been Abused
A little scared
Progress
Quacking
Sad but Hopeful
Being Called Crazy
How Do I Stop Worrying
Harassing Phone Calls
Just Realizing How Abnormal My Life Is

Perhaps you should go back and read these threads to remind yourself how abusive your relationship was. Do you really want to go back to that? If you give him an inch, he will take a mile.

I hear you. I'm actually re-reading all of my posts right now. The hard thing about this is this chaos happens once a year. He doesn't act this way or bring up the past or any of this until he goes on one of these binges. I'm not dealing with someone who comes home drunk every night. It's like he has these periodic meltdowns which gives me hope that the loving person side will win the battle. I KNOW this will never change if he doesn't actively seek help, and I don't feel that his getting help is my problem/business. I also see someone who has made some progress to where he goes a long time between these episodes. I am struggling with whether or not to support him in getting help. I already told him I'm not coming home and I will not discuss any of his issues unless it's with a professional present.

EmmyG, we cannot make decisions for you. We can only share our experience, strength and hope. We can only tell you what we see from what you post. We have no reason to lie to you. It won't affect our lives if you go back to this guy, or agree to counseling (which I believe you both need, but not together). We just see, from our own experiences, what this guy is doing.

You are very vulnerable, but you have done a very, VERY strong thing. You have taken the steps to get away from him physically. The rest is all emotional. He knows you well enough to play on those emotions and cause you to doubt yourself. Many of us have been there. If you are truly done with him, then don't take even one teeny tiny step backward, such as going to counseling together. That will only give him the opportunity to work on your emotions more.

He is a master manipulator and his sights are on you. I pray that you have the strength to deny him any further access to you. The longer you are away from him, the stronger you will become. Reading his texts or emails, taking his phone calls or any other type of communication only allows him to attempt more and more manipulation.

You really owe it to yourself to have a period of peace, totally free of hearing his voice or reading his words. Please give yourself that time. You will find that his voice becomes more and more faint in your ear, and you will become stronger for yourself. I wish every good thing for you, Emmy, but there is nothing good for you that involves this horrible, hateful, abusive person. :grouphug:

He also said he doesn't want to see our children grow up in a stressful household like he did, and that maybe counseling will lead to us divorcing but at least we tried it. I don't want to be manipulated. I also don't want to put my kids in an unhealthy environment. I think I'm just going to spend some time reading my previous posts and thinking about reality.

I completely agree. Give him an inch and he will take a mile.

Read what you've written here.
Let him go on and get sober. Just because you separate or divorce doesn't mean you can't rekindle if he proves himself. But make him prove it. Don't put yourself or your children through it.

When I separated, I heard all sorts of lovey-dovey promises. My canned answer became "If you're still sober and I'm still single in a couple years, then we'll talk." That's all I said. Over and over and over. I had to say it a few dozen times to believe it myself. But eventually, I started to believe it. Now separated for nearly 3 and divorced for 1.5 years, there is NO WAY I would go back to that hell.

And FWIW, my marriage was not abusive. (We did EIGHT years of counseling. Lot of good it did. Wouldn't recommend that path, honestly.)

Be strong, and good luck,
D

Emmy, I am going thru the same thing right now. You sound just like me. Best advice I can give you is worry about yourself and your kids. My AH just relapsed after 8 sober months heavy into recovery and active in his intensive outpatient program. Then Fri he decided sober life is boring and walked out on me and our 3 kids the Fri before Mothers Day. You have to show your kids by example. I am so embarassed of all the time I wasted worrying about someone who has no respect for me. In your gut, you know what to do. You just need the self esteem to do it.

Just a P.S. - Please realize that alcoholism is progressive. It will only get worse if he doesn't get professional help. While these issues only come up once a year now, soon, if he continues to drink, they will occur more often. Soon it will be every 8 months, or every 6 months, or every 4 months.

What you just got away from is the best it will be unless he gets help for his drinking, LOTS and LOTS of counseling, and works a STRONG program of recovery. This is not assuming on my part, it is a fact. But then again, his issues are FAR more than just the fact that he drinks alcohol.

((Emmy))) - just because HE wants all this now doesn't mean you have to give in to him. I'm an RA and I wouldn't even THINK about trust another RA without a solid year of actions speaking recovery.

You have the right to say "I'm just not ready" and it's okay. You don't EVER have to be ready. So, he's had periods of being clean...let him prove he can do it on a daily basis AND change his lifestyle AND maintain a job, give you money for the kids, and deal with bad stuff that happens in life, and not use.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

The binge episodes tend to get closer and closer over time.

What's not fair is I'm not the one with the problems, but I always pay for it. I came home tonight to get some stuff because he's out of town on business and I really miss our house and my bed. I see my son's room and the baby's toys, and it makes me sad and it's hard to let go of that "happy family" dream. I see the desk and chair he bought me last month so I could be more comfortable at work. I see the picture we took in January when he took us to the beach for my birthday. It's hard not to remember those good things and focus on how bad the bad really is.

If he's very serious about the changes he's proposing he will get involved in a program of recovery, get himself into counseling and his actions while still being apart from you can tell you whether he's invested in changing.

I always found the most difficult stage w AH to be when he'd go from angry/accusatory to apologetic and full of promises. I so badly wanted to believe his claims he wanted to make things better that I got sucked back in time and time again. The result? His abuse got worse, he didn't keep a single promise and it for harder to leave.

If he doesn't want the kids raised in a home w stress then he needs to look at himself and focus on his issues. Marriage counseling w an active addict is not a good idea. It will turn rapidly into him convincing you and the therapist this is a marriage problem vs an abuse problem.

You can tell him you'll give it a chance but that you'll do it while separated. His actions, not words are what count.

He hasn't gotten his way by bullying or playing the poor me card so now the promises come bc that's the next tactic in the toolkit of manipulators.

Please stay strong. You are worth it!

Fortunately he's been able to run his business for the last few years without a problem, and he gave me a debit card to make sure the boys and I have what we need. He said if I leave he will make sure we are taken care of and help me get a place (which I will refuse. At least the helping me get a place part.)

Reminiscing is what gets me in trouble every.

Every time.

(((Emmy))) - you didn't come here because things were great between you and him. I could get lost in the "but we had some really good times!!!!", totally forgetting the bad.

I had to make a list of things he did that hurt me, that made me not trust him. I read over that list every time I got the "but....." thoughts.

Why not wait and see if his actions meet his words? No binges. Letting you have the debit card when you don't do what he wants.

Though I know how hard it is, there's nothing wrong with saying "I need more time". This is YOUR life and your kids. I suggest you give him a chance to prove his words, and keep taking care of you and your kids.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

The binges might be only occasionally, but in my experience the walking on eggshells is not.

My question is why is the time pressure on you for three months? On you for therapy Friday? The reality of the situation that his drinking has put him in will not be cleaned up in such a short time frame (if at all).

Recovery is a life long journey, that can be shown by another's actions rather than words...