I agree. If he's ever going to change, it won't have anything to do with me being here or not. He can do it from a distance.

Why do consider letting him buttonhole you by enacting a time line? If it takes a year for him conquer his issues, so be it....what is the rush?

As Suki said "He is an abusive, narcissistic egomaniac and a control freak." This man has many other issues that need to be overcome.

If you do as he asks, you are once again falling for his manipulation, mark my words, it will not turn out as you desire, it is all a game with him. One he gets you back where he wants you, it will start all over again with a vengence.

You are going to do what you are going do, however, please try and think with your head, not your heart.

Why are you the one leaving? Can't he move out? It would be much less disruptive for the children. Altho, starting fresh somewhere else may just what you need right now.

I wouldn't go to the counseling appt with him. My therapist said that most therapists will not see both people in a relationship impacted by alcoholism until the A has been sober one year. She said no relationship can be worked on while there's active alcoholism; it is not possible to have a healthy relationship in the presence of addiction, so most therapists won't even attempt couples counseling in such cases.

Emmy,

You wanted advice and direction and this is good stuff...you CANNOT get hurt if you follow it!

1. Do not EVER listen to alcoholic quacks... they are virtually meaningless. What they DO is what they mean... words and meaningless promises are tools they use to manipulate others with.

2. Do get counseling... alone! Let him get counseling... alone!

3. Do talk to legal counsel to discuss the pros and cons of a legal seperation at this this time.

4. Physically seperate! This is a no brainer and you should make it non negotiable and not up for discussion.

5. One year of good progress is the milestone that I would put out there before I would consider joint counseling to see if reconciliation would be something to even consider.

6. Time tells all. If you do not allow yourself to get roped back in and just sit back and watch while you get better your path to your best future will come into crystal clear light... you will know what is right for you.

Remember... no listtening to quacking and allowing yourself to drift into believing stuff that you know is just noise.

Take what you want and leave the rest!

Emmy, physical abuse is a separate issue from the drinking. There are many A's out there who never physically abuse anyone, ever. There are many people out there who are physically abusive who never do drugs or drink.

For me it would be a deal breaker.

Your friend,

Your husband probably believes that he can wrap this up in 3 months, but as a recovered alcoholic myself, I would say that after 7 years I am finally feeling balanced in my life and I didn't have all the issues your husband has to overcome. I still see a therapist twice a month because it's a great fit and I continue to grow as a result. My advice would be to separate and get on with your life and if things work out for him later and you are still interested...there is no law against reconciliation. Work on you and provide a happy, healthy, stable life for your children. I have heard it said, "The dream is the last to go."

Suki's advice is the best. You must let go.