I waited for a long time for the flashing lights, trumpets and other signs telling me it was officially over. They never came but one day I just knew it was time. Kind of like the line that DMC mentioned. I didn't step over intentionally, I just "looked down" one day and...there I was, over the line. No particular fight, no pushing, no active decision. I was just there.

I was married to a late-stage alcoholic for a brief time many years ago. And I was in a 15-year committed relationship with someone who was normal and safe when we met and very very gradually slipped into addiction.

I had to leave both of them. But for me, I could not leave without hope. So instead, each time, I separated. In the first situation--the marriage--I moved out but met my husband in marriage counseling to see what might unfold. I could not bear the thought that there was no hope. The separation and marriage counseling for me was a transition until the way was clear. It became clear when he refused to stop drinking. But those transition months made the divorce much easier for me.

The other relationship: one day I just had it and asked for a three-month separation while he figured out what he wanted. He was acting and thinking so crazy and like all alcoholics (at that time I didn't realize he was actually addicted), he was convinced that if he just moved to HAWAII that would solve all his problems.

But I was isolated with his craziness enough as it was, there was no way I was going to move to an island away from every person I knew. (Alcoholics always want to isolate us so they have more control). So I asked for a separation of three months, no contact. I could not let go completely and also could not stay completely.

The mistake I made in the latter experience is that it put me in a very painful, emotionally exhausting, almost masochistic position of having to wait to see if he wanted me more than anything else. It was an excruciating wait, I fell into clinical depression from the mental stress of the waiting and had to get medicine. The medicine re-stabilized my system. With that accomplished, I was able to think more clearly, read the books on alcoholism I needed to read, and be able to make some decisions (with medical depression, one often cannot make decisions, even the smallest).

Had I it to do over, I would still have separated as I did, but with a request for joint counseling during the three months. So as not to put myself at the mercy of desperately waiting for his decision.

His decision was to move to Hawaii.

I find that A's pretty much reveal all we need to know about them and our situation during a separation and that for us the time apart eases a transition into letting go completely if we finally need to do that.

What most spouses fear to their core is that the A will find someone else during the time apart.

I have learned in my time in recovery is that together or separated, the chances of an A having an affair are very high anyway. It is a very selfish disease which is disinhibiting and also increases the vigorous pursuit of all pleasures. Anything that brings a high and a rush. So many A's cheat, whether one is still married to them, living with them, or is separated and in counseling with them.

Partners of addicts will always be at the mercy of the addict's selfish, self-centered and predatory nature as long as they are together. The lower brain drives the addict. Not the higher brain which is the center of compassion and discretion.

Every day, your husband is wishing you would just get out of the way and stop killing his high.

And one day you might decide to do just that.

I'm sorry for your family. You are powerless over your alcoholic. Please do find all the help you can. It is so sad for everyone involved. But there is plenty of help available which can save your family.

God bless.

Every day, your husband is wishing you would just get out of the way and stop killing his high.

And one day you might decide to do just that.

^^^^ This! ^^^^

Maybe instead of looking at it as "giving up," you could look at it as "standing up" for yourself and your kids...an opportunity for you to make the life you deserve and want for yourself and them.

Move to hawaii to solve your problems huh? Yup sounds like an A!
Mine wanted to buy all new furniture....as that would 'make me want to be home".
My RAH is 18 mos sober. He is off and on again about working his program. He is almost 40 but hangs out with the youngsters in the group. He is NOT a grown up.
I Love the 3 A's!!! That is really really applicable in real life. so many of the Alanon concepts are so vague it's hard to really find the right tools at the right times...but these 3A's are about US. It's about knowing where your boundaries are. Not threatening, not accepting the unacceptable, being able to say NO I don't want that whether it be a little thing like what movie to watch or something big like a major purchase. When you Accept....you find your voice.
I told mine I didn't want to go to two different events that I had been scared to talk to him about. Yes I was scared. When I say no I'm accused of not wanting to 'work on our marriage' or punished by his silence but yet doors still slam.
I am beginning to feel that he is trying. I know that he is but he is so set in those old patterns of selfishness and "all about me" syndrome-as I call it that unless I tow the line and fall into place as HE decides I should...well I'm not worth even talking to.
Where am I now?
I am miserable. I attend my alanon mtgs. I do my reading. I am doing "the next right thing" when I'm feeling sad, depressed or anxious.
I am slowly coming to see that he is who he is. That we may not be able to make it. That the only way we can is if I keep giving in to what he wants, when he wants it ..and I let him make all the decisions yet I shoulder all the responsibility for the consequences of those decisions and I am just not willing to do that anymore.
I am on the doorstep of Acceptance. I am seeing who he is. I see he loves me, I see that he's trying but I see that it's not enough.
I dream of living in a home of serenity. I dream of waking up alone. I dream of not playing 20 questions when every question is really a judgement not a quest for information.
I dream of a different life.
One day I'll have it.
I have faith. I will get there. I just have to be patient with myself.

What happened to me is I woke up one morning and realized "I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE"...

What happened to be was a slow progression of my inner fire getting smaller and smaller with every hurt, every lie, and every mean word or action by my RExAB. I started to get sick all the time; became very depressed and went on a high dose of antidepressants; so fatigued that I was tired all the time and u even passed out while running on the treadmill and was taken to the hospital. A side not...my RExAB signed the hospital discharge papers that he would watch me for 24 hours as u had a concussion and needed to watch for certain symptoms. What do you all think happened? He started a fight with me, left my house slammed the door and disappeared for the rest of the night. I called him as I felt dizzy and needed to go to urgent care like the paper said and he NEVER picked up the phone. So I took my self even though I wasn't suppose to drive. NOW you would think that would have been enough for me to leave but it wasn't. I didn't speak with him for a week but he worked his infamous A charm sent flowers, cards, he cried,said everything I wanted to hear and I took him back just to start the cycle all over again.
So when I had enough it was just one day hearing 3 phrases I've heard a thousand times from him and I was discusted, over it, and done. I don't regret it all all. I'm not saying it isn't hard sometimes as he's in recovery but has not really surrendered so he knows the lingo but it isn't sincere. A very dangerous combo to himself. I'm happy and safe alone versus scared, stressed, and sad with him.. We all deserve to fund joy peace and security we just need to give it to ourselves first.

Wow. there are so many good responses here! OP, I can relate to your story very much. I am 33 now. I have 3 young kids. My husband is an alcoholic. Like yours, he managed to work everyday and handle parts of his life well, so the decisions weren't as "obvious" as I would have liked. I posted here 2 years ago for the first time. I was well aware he was an alcoholic and I knew I couldn't change him and there was nothing I could do. But I was worried about what divorce would do to the kids and his actions weren't directly and obviously affecting the kids at that time, or so I thought. Well, it wasn't until about 6 months ago that I actually made him move out. The 3 A's that someone mentioned were right on the money. I was aware well over 2 years ago. I accepted it over the next year. And then I just needed a minor catalyst for the action. I thought the decision to actually divorce would be so hard, but I had done all the work and deciding all along. When the time came, I made the decision without a thought. In fact, it wasn't even a decision. There was nothing to decide. I knew with every fiber in my being what had to be done. And honestly, my kids were only 8, 6 and 5, but they did too. My story and his actions weren't nearly as "bad" as many others you read, but his actions crossed my boundaries and what I felt was best for my kids. Sorry to ramble, but in short, you'll know. I wish it hadn't taken so long, but if I had rushed it, it would have felt like a decision and I may have always doubted it. This was not a decision, there was only one path in the road and it was not with him. Good luck.

I have days like that...and then I do...

I say if you can get the heck out...do it.

Wish I had when it would have been easier and less painful years ago.

I personally would prefer the "burning bush" sign that anvil spoke of in the very first post. It sure would be easier! :)

The only thing that got me to "wake up" was realizing that by staying with my XAH, I was teaching my infant daughter that normal relationships involved codependence and abuse, and that she would probably grow up to repeat the same patterns as me because she wouldn't know any better. When that dawned on me, the first thought that came into my head was "No f*cking way". That's how I started my journey.

That is what happened to me. After several years of pleading with him to get help. And a year of counseling which seemed to get us nowhere.

On Easter Sunday of 2011 I watched the kids open their Easter baskets, made a beautiful brunch, and we all headed for dinner at my parents' home. My AH drank steadily all day and did not spend time with his family. Not drunk. Just medicated. Boozy. As always. I felt like I was going to lose my mind.

I woke up the next morning, drove to his office, let myself in, found 6 vodka bottles. Drove home and opened his car, found vodka in his golf bag. And thought: This is IT. I am done. I cannot take another day of this life. Hustled the kids (in their jammies) and drove them to my parents house. Came home and told my husband to leave. He was already packing. He knew it was over.

It has been a very tough go. Grief, anger, despair, betrayal, love, longing, sad kids, more grief. But every night I climb into bed --- alone --- and feel this incredible peace. I am so glad I finally had the courage to take action.