Good advice.

And I am comfortable if he says, sorry, that's how things will be and I'm not changing...going ok, fine. Let's amicably part ways.

If he says, however, I get that you're concerned about my bargoing behavior..I would like to do it every once in a while, and do it in a way that makes you more comfortable, such as maybe bringing you along once or twice so you can meet these people, and keeping the time w/out you to a minimum, I can work with that.

With my ex, he gave me lots of signals he wouldn't change and I ignored them. I'm giving this one, this ONE chance and that's it. I am no longer interested in forcing a square peg into a round hole.

If he's dodging you and you have to make so much effort to track him down...

Lillamy said pretty much exactly what I was going to post.

I want to add something I am learning in my own life, for your consideration. It may not apply to you, but even so, maybe someone else reading this thread may find it useful.

Try this experiment. Let's assume that your BF isn't wrong. He is just a man who enjoys hanging out at bars with friends. There is nothing wrong with it. It is just how he likes to spend his time. Once we stop assuming he is wrong, it frees you up from using energy proving you are right.

If we have to keep investing energy into the "I'm right/he's wrong" cycle, we're like hamsters in a wheel, going nowhere. You can find five people to agree with you that he's wrong, and he'll go find six people who will agree with him that you're a buzz kill.

You like museums and opera, he likes to go to the bar. No one is wrong. We have two people who are incompatible for a long term partnership.

If he has a drinking problem, that's his issue to deal with or not, to diagnose or not. If you have a CoD issue, that's your issue to diagnose or not, and address or not.

He shouldn't be expected to stop being him and go do your thing, any more than you should be expected to stop being you and go do his thing.

There is no right or wrong about two adults who want different things in their lives.

I am finding I have to do this about my ex husband, my current boyfriend and even my own addiction issues. Spending time judging right and wrong gets me nowhere. Detaching from that, and determining what works and doesn't work is more useful for me. Looking at my own behavior and seeing which one's bring me what I want and which don't is more useful than endless debating over the right or wrong of them.

I already tried turning myself inside out to be the right partner for some people I was incompatible with. It didn't work, it was frustrating and even demoralizing. I don't truly want to put anyone else through that, or repeat that cycle myself. It's easier to move on and find a better match.

First I want to say thanks for the thread. I'm finding this very very useful. I'm not dating, thinking about dating, nor do I have opportunities to date but this is all very good experience and sharing on any level.

Yes! It honestly didn't occur to me that people didn't go to the bars but I've actually seen some people that do not. (said with some sarcasm and a whole lot of honesty). They do fun things for fun ;). This is my new normal. Let me never accept less! I'm sure I'd go crazy with the triggers.

I should tatoo this somewhere on my person. "I deem myself worthy enough to let go of people who aren't good for me." Period. The End. This could change a persons life!

Consider that he has already said it. He has spoke with his words and his actions. You have spoke and sent emails and he is not responding any differently. Be careful is all. My ex agreed to all kinds of reasonable compromises and then went and did exactly whatever he had been doing all alone. It is a sticky trap and with the guys that try to keep us happy, and keep us, we have to watch actions very very closely. I think the goes for drinking problem or no drinking problem.

People, places, and things.

Recovering addicts are supposed to change those if they want to stay sober.

I use that advice for myself, too.

I will not choose to be with drunk people. Ever.

It is unlikely his friends will be nursing a beer.

More will be revealed. I think you will know what to do.

Blessings!

The thing is..he WAS banging my door down, spending every weekend with me, and things were going well. Until last Friday, when he went to the bar with his brother and ran into these people. It's all very odd. He's the one who wanted a relationship. He's the one who pursued me.

Long story, but I sat back and let him take the lead in everything...sex, dating, making a commitment to each other. I didn't push him for ANYTHING. Now we're in a relationship, and it's as if he wants to change the terms..to spend LESS time with me, and more time w/these people at the bar.

To be honest, I have a group of friends that drink occasionally. They also do other things. They don't HAVE to drink. We often spend weekends w/out stepping foot into a bar.

I drink occasionally. It doesn't bother me that I'm with people who drink-they're clearly not alcoholics. I was around enough while dating my ex for 4 yrs off and on, that I can tell. Going to the bar isn't that important to them; however, it is something they like to do.

With my bf, I think this is the turning point where I'm finding out exactly where HE stands on things, and how important it is to HIM. He may not be like these people.

It has only been one week. Try not to freak out and just see what happens.

I know that must be really hard. I'm feeling a little freaked out just reading the thread but you will find out what is going on without doing anything more then wait and see. It might be just one weekend that he wants to hang with these people, and it might be a pattern. The whole purpose of dating is to learn about one another.

Either way I think the major thing to learn is how to not get carried away in a sea of emotion over his choices for a couple of weekends ya know? The triggers have to be deadly in the dating world so I'm not making light of it. How can you maintain equilibrium when he (or anyone) throws a curve ball? No answers today - just more questions. Sorry.

You're right, sandrawg. There are people who do go out and drink without getting drunk. My reaction to drinking is because I'm not a normie anymore. So I am extra-sensitive around anyone who is doing more than slowly sipping a glass of wine with a meal. It is because of my past experiences with alcoholics and drug addicts that I react in a different way to people in bars.

I understand that you have your own experiences and you make the best choices for you. We all do our best to avoid what hurts us.

All the best as you figure things out for yourself.

I'm trying not to freak out. It's been hard being in limbo, and dealing with all this triggering. To be honest, I've cried a lot, and I can't tell if it's because of him, or because he's bringing up feelings of how my ex treated me.

I mean, when this topic first came up, I tried to find out how often he was planning on doing this. So that maybe we could negotiate it. Was it an every other weekend thing? One weekend a month? Did he have to take up a weekend night to be with these people? (Weekends are the only time we can really be alone and intimate because of his living situation.) And, actually..yeah. It did have to be, apparently.

Then, when I tried asking these questions, he just spouted out, well if this relationship isn't working out for you, you can walk away..I won't be mad.

?!?

I don't know if this is some sort of martyr thing, or he's saying, accept this or walk.

I guess I will find out tomorrow. Thank you all for your support and help.

Well, that sounds pretty definitive to me. You want to "negotiate," he doesn't.

There is room for negotiation only when the relationship is important enough to both parties to want to negotiate. It doesn't sound like it's that important to him.

L

I stand by what I said earlier -- it sounds to me like he's slippin' out the back, Jack, and he's just too immature to be a man about it. Either that or he wants his cake and eat it too. Either way, it's not healthy.

It's freakin' weird because leading up to that night, nothing was wrong. We both talked about how happy we were in the relationship..how we treat each other so well...how awesome each other are..etc.

What support have you gotten yourself in the year after you and the ex broke up? Alanon, counseling, anything?

Yes, both.

I would have to agree with what the others are saying.

He is clearly showing you who he is you just need to accept it.

If you negotiate...at this point...well you may not be looking out for yourself very well.

You want a man that if you don't call him for 2 days...is calling, and texting and saying hey, are you ok? what's going on? This guy seems to be relishing in the whole "oh I got her hooked...and she just keeps coming while I reel her in'

This is not the guy for you.
He may not be an A but he is an A33hole!
Just the fact he's making the bar, the one place he knows strikes fear in you...as the pivotal factor in this negotiation...well...he's an a##hole.
You deserve better.

There's a lot of good insight here.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Quite apart from the alcoholism thing, I find hanging out in bars/pubs unbearably boring. Literally I'd rather dig a ditch than spend a large chunk of time in a bar. So if I had a hypothetical partner who loved spending every night in a bar, even if we were compatible in a lot of other ways, it just plain wouldn't work. That wouldn't mean I was a jerk or he was a jerk, it's just one of those things.