Current boyfriend is triggering me..

Old 01-22-2012, 08:45 PM
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Current boyfriend is triggering me..

Hi all,

I used to post here a lot, when I was dealing with my ex, who is an alcoholic in denial. We broke up in Dec. 2010, but it took me a while to be done with him. Thank goodness I am done and so much happier. I hear that he is STILL drinking. If nothing changes, nothing changes.

Anyway, I've been dating a new guy for a few months. He drinks, but I do not think he's an alcoholic. He doesn't get drunk during the week, and he doesn't HAVE to get drunk on the weekends. Whereas my ex had to go to the bar with me all the time, my current bf likes to do other things with me, like go to museums, the opera, etc. I'd been craving a man who would do these things with me.

The problem that's arisen is, while out at a bar wiht his brother, he ran into some friends he hadn't seen in a while. I don't even know these friends, nor has he really spoken to me about them. Right after that, and again this week, he kept emphasizing that he wanted to spend more time with them.

I said fine, we can hang out with them. But then it became clear a) he wants to hang out with them on his own, and b) the only thing they like to do is go to the bar.

This was a HUGE TRIGGER for me. When someone tells me they want less time with me, and more time w their friends at the bar, it raises red flags. And all the feelings from my last relationship came flooding back..all the pain of being rejected for alcohol.

As it is, he lives 45 min away from me and we don't see each other as much as I'd like..now he wants to take MORE time away from us together, to go to the bar with these people?

Not to mention, girls are always flirting w him at the bar.

I guess I'm writing here for support. I sent him a couple of emails explaining why this is hard for me. I'd like to talk to him and work out some sort of compromise...I'm afraid I'm going to get the same "you're trying to control me, and I need my space yada yada," that I got from my alcoholic ex. If that happens, I'm walking. I refuse to be in the position again of trying to compete with the bar. I hope that he'll show me I'm his priority, not the bar.
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Old 01-22-2012, 10:26 PM
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Hugs sandrawg,

Sad to say, he is already showing you you are not his priority.

Good for you for recognizing the red flags.

Remember the decisions others take have nothing to do with YOU.

((Hugs))
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Old 01-22-2012, 10:27 PM
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Sorry! double post.
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Old 01-22-2012, 10:28 PM
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Sandrawg, if he knows your history and why this would be hard for you and has chosen to forge ahead anyway it sounds like there is a real problem.

Have you sat down and done a face to face with him or was it strictly email If you have done the face to face and he is still blowing you off, then you are right it is decision time; as for me I am the suspicious type, my ex wife cheated on me for a long time when she supposedly working, so now I am more inclined to think space = cheating.

Are these all guy friends and he want to do every Friday night with the guys or is it a mixed crowd, if it's a mixed crowd my radar would really be up. If it were me I would send a couple of my girlfriends he has not met into his hangout to do some recon.

Anyway you know the drill, the only person that can control your feelings and reactions is you.

I hope it works out for you, if you want to talk, need to vent, or just want someone to lean on I will be here for you, I also do a mean cyber bear hug with extra parenthesis.

If I can help I will, best of luck to you.

Bill
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Old 01-22-2012, 10:35 PM
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Yep, his actions are a definite trigger. Lots of Red Flags flying there.

Looks like it may be time to do some more work on you to repair your insides I found out years ago that I attract to me, folks that match my insides not my outsides. My sponsor suggested I take a whole year, live by myself, not date, and learn to not only love myself but like myself.

My reaction was 'A WHOLE YEAR' ah come on. But she was adamant. That whole year turned into 3 years, but it was well worth it. I found out things I didn't like about myself and had the opportunity to change me. To fix me. It has made a really huge difference in my life.

There are good men and women too out there. They come into our lives when we are ready for them.

Hang in there (((((sandrawg))))) stand back and WATCH his ACTIONS. They will tell you the real truth.

J M H O

Love and hugs,
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Old 01-23-2012, 06:49 AM
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As far as I know, it's a mixed crowd? But he hasn't told me a lot about them. That's why all this smells very fishy to me.

That was sorta my thought, too-that maybe there's a girl involved. He did tell me that he told these people about me, though.

Man, all of this just seems too reminiscent of my last relationship. I want to run but i think I should hear him out first.

Originally Posted by Willybluedog View Post
Sandrawg, if he knows your history and why this would be hard for you and has chosen to forge ahead anyway it sounds like there is a real problem.

Have you sat down and done a face to face with him or was it strictly email If you have done the face to face and he is still blowing you off, then you are right it is decision time; as for me I am the suspicious type, my ex wife cheated on me for a long time when she supposedly working, so now I am more inclined to think space = cheating.

Are these all guy friends and he want to do every Friday night with the guys or is it a mixed crowd, if it's a mixed crowd my radar would really be up. If it were me I would send a couple of my girlfriends he has not met into his hangout to do some recon.

Anyway you know the drill, the only person that can control your feelings and reactions is you.

I hope it works out for you, if you want to talk, need to vent, or just want someone to lean on I will be here for you, I also do a mean cyber bear hug with extra parenthesis.

If I can help I will, best of luck to you.

Bill
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Old 01-23-2012, 06:52 AM
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This all went down, face to face, on Thursday. We couldn't really get into an in-depth conversation about it. So then I woke up Fri at 6am realizing the whole thing was bothering me because of all the reason we've discussed in this post. Sent him an email about it. Didn't get any response...I didn't hear anything from him-and usually we talk every day. Next day, I'm even more confused because he went incommunicado.

Then later in the day, I start getting worried. Also, we had plans Sat. night and Sunday...he doesn't text me til 4, saying he left his phone in the cab coming back from --not sure if he was at the bar. He was either there or playing poker at a friend's house. But, probably drinking.

That happened with my ex--he would be too hungover to call me, or did something stupid with his phone while drunk--and it would screw up our Sat night plans. I was already upset, but what happened Saturday just made me even more upset.

We're supposed to talk face to face on Tuesday.

Originally Posted by Willybluedog View Post
Sandrawg, if he knows your history and why this would be hard for you and has chosen to forge ahead anyway it sounds like there is a real problem.

Have you sat down and done a face to face with him or was it strictly email If you have done the face to face and he is still blowing you off, then you are right it is decision time; as for me I am the suspicious type, my ex wife cheated on me for a long time when she supposedly working, so now I am more inclined to think space = cheating.

Are these all guy friends and he want to do every Friday night with the guys or is it a mixed crowd, if it's a mixed crowd my radar would really be up. If it were me I would send a couple of my girlfriends he has not met into his hangout to do some recon.

Anyway you know the drill, the only person that can control your feelings and reactions is you.

I hope it works out for you, if you want to talk, need to vent, or just want someone to lean on I will be here for you, I also do a mean cyber bear hug with extra parenthesis.

If I can help I will, best of luck to you.

Bill
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Old 01-23-2012, 07:11 AM
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When I walked away from my EXAH, I thought my biggest problem was solved.

I was wrong. No matter where I went, I was the first one to get there, and there I was!

I was carrying a big load of baggage around behind me, and continued to do so for 11 long miserable years.

Every relationship was dysfunctional at best. You see, I would compare each one to EXAH and think...well he's not a convicted felon, or he's not violent, or he doesn't do drugs, yada yada yada.

As Laurie mentioned I attracted people whose insides were like my own.

I had done no work on my codependency and resulting issues in those 11 years.

Once I hit a codependent bottom and resolved to have no more relationships or date until I got healthy inside, I started making progress.

Alanon, the book "Codependent No More", and lots of therapy have helped me tremendously on my journey.

Sending you hugs of support.
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Old 01-23-2012, 07:47 AM
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It's hard for me to just stand back. I feel like a bubbling cauldron of anger and confusion right now. I am having a hard time waiting til Tuesday to talk to him.

Originally Posted by laurie6781 View Post
Yep, his actions are a definite trigger. Lots of Red Flags flying there.

Looks like it may be time to do some more work on you to repair your insides I found out years ago that I attract to me, folks that match my insides not my outsides. My sponsor suggested I take a whole year, live by myself, not date, and learn to not only love myself but like myself.

My reaction was 'A WHOLE YEAR' ah come on. But she was adamant. That whole year turned into 3 years, but it was well worth it. I found out things I didn't like about myself and had the opportunity to change me. To fix me. It has made a really huge difference in my life.

There are good men and women too out there. They come into our lives when we are ready for them.

Hang in there (((((sandrawg))))) stand back and WATCH his ACTIONS. They will tell you the real truth.

J M H O

Love and hugs,
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Old 01-23-2012, 08:10 AM
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Write him a letter, get it all on paper,(you don't have to give it to him) but get all that anger and frustration out of you, it will also allow you to organize your thoughts and help you set the agenda for your Tuesday conversation.

I hope it works out, you will be in my thoughts.

Bill
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Old 01-23-2012, 08:11 AM
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The thing is, you really are getting all the information you need already. Lay low and more will be revealed, as they say. In the meantime, go for a long walk, journal, post, read, pray and use your wise mind to find the solution that is best for YOU. ((((Hugs))))
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Old 01-23-2012, 08:21 AM
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Thank you so much, Bill.

I've pretty much said everything I was feeling to him in various emails. it's hard for me to just sit with my thoughts and because of his schedule and because i was too upset to talk to him Saturday, I've had to sit and stew with all this. So I let my feelings out to him, here and there. Maybe not the most efficient way to do it.

I feel like him knowing how I feel before we talk will keep us from going on and on about this for hours and hours. The ball is basically in his court. Does he want this relationship, or does he want to act like a single guy at the bars? Because he can't have both.

Originally Posted by Willybluedog View Post
Write him a letter, get it all on paper,(you don't have to give it to him) but get all that anger and frustration out of you, it will also allow you to organize your thoughts and help you set the agenda for your Tuesday conversation.

I hope it works out, you will be in my thoughts.

Bill
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Old 01-23-2012, 09:41 AM
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Personally I would not trust any man over the age of 22 (as in: graduated from college partying) who gets drunk on weekends (you said he doesn't HAVE to, so I assume that means he does when he wants to) and does his socializing in bars.

As a recovering codependent, I could never be with someone for whom a bar is recreational therapy. I have experienced too much pain and deception from adult men who like to drink.

Hoping you stay safe.
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Old 01-23-2012, 09:45 AM
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I'd like to talk to him and work out some sort of compromise...I'm afraid I'm going to get the same "you're trying to control me, and I need my space yada yada,"
I'm seeing red flags here, of the same kind DeVon is talking about.
If he says "I want to spend more time with these people and go to the bar" and you're wanting to work out a "compromise" -- you are trying to control him. You're not listening to his words OR actions. You want him to do what you want him to do, so that you can feel better.

But you need to feel better on your own. It's not his job to adjust his life so that you feel better. And he's telling you by his actions that you are not the priority you want to be in his life. Listen to him.
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Old 01-23-2012, 10:17 AM
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I had something of a similar experience after I separated from my AH. I didn't date for over a year after ending my 20 year marriage, so I don't know if the amount of time is as important at the learning/growth.

Anyway, the first guy I dated after my marriage was over seemed like such a great guy. He had a steady job, which he had held for more than five years. He was a single father who went to great lengths and personal expense to win sole custody of his children. He was very sweet and charming, and seemed to me to be an admirable person.

The fact that he was so much less of a jerk than my ex made him seem pretty wonderful to me. So much so, that I found myself ignoring the red flags. I never saw him drunk, but he drank more than I was comfortable with. He would "laugh off" and even belittle my opinions about things. (not the drinking, just general opinions on everyday things) He was subtly controlling in many ways.

One day, my better self got my attention. It was a warm spring day and I went and sat in the park under a tree and really considered whether I wanted to continue seeing this guy. My gut said no, even though the other voices said yes. This was a lifelong pattern I was challenging! Better to settle than to be alone, right?

I called him that night and broke it off. I told myself it was the right thing to do and that I would be okay no matter what. I wasn't sure if I believed it, but it felt good to do things differently than I had done all my life. It felt good to put myself first. See, it's not about whether he sees you as worthy enough for him to change his ways. It's about whether you see him as worthy to be in your life. And about whether you deem yourself worthy enough to let go of people who aren't good for you, even at the risk of being alone.

Oh, and for the record, it was about two weeks after I broke it off with the guy that I met my current SO. We've had a lovely, respectful, mostly harmonious relationship for over four years now. I never would have met him if I hadn't let go of Mr. Wrong.

L
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Old 01-23-2012, 10:26 AM
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I'm suspicious and I don't even know the man. Hanging out with buddies is one thing - playing poker, playing soccer, etc. but when it comes to hanging with old bar buddies who drink who he's never mentioned before? It sounds a little fishy to me.
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Old 01-23-2012, 10:43 AM
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Yeah..I think it's only been in this last week that I'm realizing how much being with someone who puts so much emphasis on recreational drinking is triggering me.

Thing is, he knows about my ex and my history. He knows I gave my ex an ultimatum, the bar or me, and my ex chose the bar.

It's astounding to me, tho, how much even people I know in their THIRTIES go to the bar. It seems like there's been this huge shift onto bar-going as the main source of recreational activity for anyone under 40 who's not in AA or something. It's kind of depressing.



Originally Posted by EnglishGarden View Post
Personally I would not trust any man over the age of 22 (as in: graduated from college partying) who gets drunk on weekends (you said he doesn't HAVE to, so I assume that means he does when he wants to) and does his socializing in bars.

As a recovering codependent, I could never be with someone for whom a bar is recreational therapy. I have experienced too much pain and deception from adult men who like to drink.

Hoping you stay safe.
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Old 01-23-2012, 10:45 AM
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My feelings, exactly. And I expressed this to him..

Originally Posted by tabatha View Post
I'm suspicious and I don't even know the man. Hanging out with buddies is one thing - playing poker, playing soccer, etc. but when it comes to hanging with old bar buddies who drink who he's never mentioned before? It sounds a little fishy to me.
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Old 01-23-2012, 10:46 AM
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OK, I see what you're saying..BUT...

When you haven't been in a relationship that long, and there may be behavior on both sides that the other is not comfortable with..isn't it normal and not codependent, to just say "hey this bothers me" and see if you can work it out?



Originally Posted by lillamy View Post
I'm seeing red flags here, of the same kind DeVon is talking about.
If he says "I want to spend more time with these people and go to the bar" and you're wanting to work out a "compromise" -- you are trying to control him. You're not listening to his words OR actions. You want him to do what you want him to do, so that you can feel better.

But you need to feel better on your own. It's not his job to adjust his life so that you feel better. And he's telling you by his actions that you are not the priority you want to be in his life. Listen to him.
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Old 01-23-2012, 10:54 AM
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Originally Posted by sandrawg View Post
Thing is, he knows about my ex and my history. He knows I gave my ex an ultimatum, the bar or me, and my ex chose the bar.
...and now this guy is choosing the bar as well. Almost like he's trying to CREATE a situation where you will break up with him so he won't have to man up and do the right way? Just a thought.
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