Pushed away and shut out by my recovering boyfriend
 

Please Help! I need advice. My family and friends do not seem to understand my situation.
In June 2010, I met my currently ex-boyfriend. From day 1 we liked each other but did not date right away and we became best friends who liked each other. About a week after I met him, he told me he was an alcoholic but previous treatment programs didnt work. I saw alot of good qualities in him and decided to not exclusively date him but keep being "best friends that liked each other". We grew very close and shared alot of personal stories and emotional experiences. In Aug. 2010, he went away to rehab for an intense nine month program in New Mexico. For the first six months of the program, he had no cell phone or computer so he started writing me love letters. We wrote love letters back and forth until he got his phone back and then we decided to exclusively date one another. He was so open, understanding, helpful with problems in my life, and loving. He seemed like the most amazing person I'd ever met. He even told me he loved me before he even came home. When he came home in June 2011, we started exclusively dating. He was emotionally available, calm, and happy. His parents said they hadn't seen him like this in years (since he first drank). We had the most amazing summer together and were totally in love. We both thought we would get married someday. He made plans in the fall to attend college and picked a program that meant alot to him. I planned on going away to veterinary school in Missouri (were both originally from Chicago). We both agreed not to break up and we'd make it work because our relationship was so strong and we were in love. Once he went away to school, things went down hill. The stress of school was too much for him and he slipped and drank one night. His drinking led to him being arrested and kicked out of his college program that he wanted to do so bad. I remained supportive as always. As soon as a few weeks later, I noticed he wasnt as happy anymore. He started slacking in maintaining our relationship and a month later freaked out at me over something that shouldnt be a big deal. He threatened to break up and said he wanted to think about it. The next day he said he realized hes been just upset about reworking his steps and the process of his recovery and he just needs to be more open with me. Things got better for a week or two then went downhill even more. Another month later, my brother was in the hospital and i was upset about it. He freaked out again at me and said obviously things werent working between us, and he wanted space for a while. He blamed it on me being away (about 7 hr drive) at school. Eventually he came back around but things got worse. Two weeks later he said "I love you and do not want to lose you but I cannot have a girlfriend right now so i dont know what i want". I was hurt but he stayed with me and things of course got worse. He seemed to not be emotionally connected with me anymore. He put in VERY little effort to our relationship and could not handle me having even the slightest bit of stress in my life. When I came home two weeks ago for break, he went from being loving one minute to acting like he didnt care about me the next. He treated our sexual life like I was a booty call. Then he finally just broke up with me. After a day of blaming me, He said "I was a bad boyfriend so why drag you down with me. I am not myself and need to figure my life out and what I want from life but I still love you." He wouldn't give me straight answers about the future or if I should hang on or let go and gave me mixed signals by still saying he loved me and his heart is still mine to not even saying I love you the next day. He told me he wanted to continue being just friends (which I cannot do without wanting him back and being in love). I am not sure what to do at this point. As a recovering alcoholic, is there hope that he can get over whatever he is going through? (he told me he needs to do his stepwork and go to meetings which may help) I know there is nothing I can do and he needs to help himself, but is it even possible for him to be back how he was this summer??? Is there a point to me holding on or should I just let go and move on in life??? I want him back, not now but after he works on himself if thats even possible. I just miss the happy loving understanding person I fell in love with. He was my best friend and we understood each other so well. I dont want to quit on him but I am hurting too bad to be just friends right now. Does anyone have any experience with emotionally shutting people out and distancing loved ones until they push them out of their lives during their recovery process?? Will he ever be able to maintain a relationship? I am the only friend he honestly has besides his sponsor and I am the only non-family member who hasn't given up on him from when he was still drinking to now. Any advice would be extremely appreciated. Also thanks for your time, I know this was long.

Also, If it helps, I have NO experience with alcoholism, and only recently found out about al-anon but don't see the point now that were broken up. He is 20 years old and I am 23.
:c021:

Not only is he relatively new to recovery, he also was kicked out of school and has to figure out -for himself- where to go from there. What he is going to do with his life. I'm sure he is depressed about having messed up and getting himself kicked out of school, I know I would be.

The guy has a lot on his plate. He has asked that you let him sort it all out. Respect that.

I would think you have a lot on your plate too. Veterinary school?

I was married for five years. In the first two weeks I realized I was married to someone who struggled with alcohol. I did not go to Al-anon then.

A couple of days after our five year anniversary I finally went. It has been a lifesaver for me. We were together another four months after that, and then separated/working on divorce/divorced coming up on 17mths ago and I still regularly attend Al-anon.

It has helped me to sort out what is mine and what is not in this relationship, and honestly with others in my life who don't have substance abuse problems. It has helped me learn about addiction and alcoholism and not feel alone. For me the traits that got me into the relationship with an problem drinker were there before the relationship....and I am afraid of a repeat. Al-anon gives me the grounding in myself to know that I will be okay.

Not everyone finds a meeting that works right away. The common saying is try six meetings before you decide if it is for you or not. They all have a different feel.

wow, 20 and 23. you're both very young. you may just end up chalking this as a "summer romance" and move on. Either way, it looks like some space is needed since he has no clue what he wants.

Being around you "clueless" is not going to help him. He has to grow up and learn there are consequences to every action and every decision he makes.

It's not going to happen over night.

For some of us it's a life time process.

DVM, I'm only gonna say you should focus on your degree. Becoming a doctor in any field of study was in the planning stages years before you were accepted as a student. Remember your goals and he will work on his. I am currently working on mine with my wife of 21 years leaving us ( I have 3 kids ages 17 to 20). Its tough for me to focus on getting my life back together and I'm not even in school. I know how hard it is for you in more ways than one.... My wife left because of alcohol and my father was a veterinarian. Its tough enough getting through the vet program let alone juggling a good relationship without hangups. Let him do his thing and you do yours, atleast until you complete YOUR goal. A big hug and reassurring smile to you....now go get that doctorate, you'll be glad you did!

DVM2015: What a great goal for you!!

Ah, see? His heart isn't his to give to you or anyone else right now. He's looking for it, and with a recovering A, there is no guarantee of if/when they will even find it.

I'm sorry you're going through this trouble. Focus on what's good in YOUR life, and find out about Al-anon nearby. The face to face support is immeasurable in its worth!

Thank you for the positive support. I know I cant let this blow my school because ive wanted to be a veterinarian since I was like 5. I've had other relationships fall through because of me being away for school. This one is just so much more important to me because we both were so in love and had such a good friendship for such a long time... so I'm trying to focus on me but still have hope that he may be able to work on himself especially since hes so young. I just have no other experience with alcoholics so I dont know if what he is going through is something he can even work on and get over in the future or if he will be like this forever....? Everyone around me though wants me to just move on and not love him anymore so its hard. Honestly trying to move on or even not focus on him is tougher than being in vet school.

Not a summer romance for sure
 

This definitely was not summer romance. I may be young but Ive had that before and I know what thats like. The things that we have been there for each other in the past year and a half with me being in a high stress environment with school and him going through drinking then rehab and being sober is not just a summer romance. We were best friends and romantically involved for the past year and a half, even while he was in rehab. I didnt quit on him or run away from his issues. I was supportive and I know if it was just a "summer romance" that I would not have put up with his issues and it wouldnt have gone on for a yr and a half. He had no other people besides his family not give up on him. I was his only friend. But I do agree with you that he should accept responsibility for his actions. He is going to lose me if he can't get his life together. He can't even be a friend to me anymore because he is too shut off from everything to even have any emotions. All he can do is work and meetings. I feel bad for him, but I also don't deserve to be treated poorly while he gets his life together. Its sad he had to lose everything he had going for him with school, and me as a friend and a girlfriend. I just hope he can realize it before he hurts me more or loses me forever :/

To Skippernlilg: do you have any experience with recovering alcoholics shutting people they love?? Id like to hear if anyone else ever got over that difficult stage in their recovery or if that is common with recovering alcoholics. With so many unknowns, I dont wanna close all doors but I dont wanna remain hopeful and then get hurt. Also... we arent even speaking as of now because its too painful for me. Do you think an Al-anon meeting would help even though hes not physically in my life anymore? I feel as if maybe its too late for that but I dont have experience or know about that much either.

Also if anyone has an experience with recovering Alcoholics shutting loved ones out and could offer some advice about that, i would greatly appreciate it. I just want to know if having hope is being too optimistic or if this is typically something that not many get over. It would help in deciding whether to hang on or let go.

:ditto:

His life is a mess right now. If he wants to get it in order he has to focus on that and not a relationship. I'm sorry I know that is hard for you. Alcoholism is forever. It is a really really big deal and recovery from alcoholism is a long range intensive thing. His conflicting messages aren't a reflection of you. They are a reflection of the war in his head. The voice of addiction is speaking very loudly to him and if he is going to maintain his recovery he is going to have to work very very hard. There isn't room for anything else right now. Only his sponsor and recovery program can help him with that.

Also, none of us go back to the way we were. Life experiences change who we are - and that is how it should be. Keep moving forward in your life. Make your life the best it can be based on the choices you make each day. Watch out for your own best interests. You are responsible for that.

He has let you go, and as painful as that is right now it was a good thing for him to do because he is falling apart at the seams. The goal for all of us is not to look back over our shoulder, but to look forward. Thoughts going out to you during this painful time.

I dont know how sponsors and AA programs work. I don't mean this to be selfish because I know he needs to work on himself and his sobriety which is and always should be number one in his life. I just have a hard time coming to terms with the fact he shut me out like I was nothing when I supported him and helped him when no one else did AND we were both head over heels in love until he slipped and became depressed. We were best friends and the only people who understood each other. I know for now he cannot focus on anything but himself and I accept and understand that because i want him to succeed in his recovery... but if the goal of recovery is to look forward and not back, then even if I was a positive influence on him and he shut me out, then they will tell him and help him to just forget about me because "im the past"??? He already told me his sponsor told him not to get back with me and told him to break up with me. I did nothing but help him and now it seems like everyone is tellin him to move on and forget me and everything we had forever. But then again... I dont know what he thinks or feels anymore and he cant tell me because he is too messed up so i dont know if i should keep the door open for any possibility. (if theres even any hope that he finds himself again- his parents told me this summer that they havent seen him like that in years so i know that was the real him) I am just so confused. I guess because i dont know what to expect. i cant stand losing him. Im losing myself over him and its so depressing.

I meant you should look forward, not back over your shoulder. To me looking forward doesn't mean erasing the past or fogetting it, it just means that you keep moving one foot in front of the other. There is no life sitting in limbo over what if's and maybe's and hope - waiting for things to go back to the way they were nearly a year ago.

If you are losing yourself over him then that is something to work on. Al-anon may help. Some short term counseling may help. I had a counselor for a short time when my relationship was ending and it helped soooo much.

You realize that for him to 'get himself together' it will take at least a year. Please do not put yourself in that limbo for a year. And that is if he gets it together. Quite honestly, the odds are tough.

Have you read the stickies at the top of this forum? There is a lot of good information there about alcoholism and relationships with alcoholics. I found them very helpful when I first came here.

DVM,

You are telling my story from a little over 3 months ago and I, too, had no prior experience with an alcoholic. Losing my ABF was NOT going to be an option for me. I just couldn't fathom life without him. His disease progressed very quickly and I strongly believe he would not have lived through another year had he not lost control to such a degree where the only place left to go was back home with his parents. He was not ready to go to rehab. He absolutely refused to go. Instead, he is living at home, holding down a part-time job, working his program and trying to save his life. The first 6 weeks after he moved away our relationship stayed intact. In fact, it was a huge relief because I no longer had to worry about him or live with an active alcoholic, and he was getting the help he needs. We recommitted to our relationship and wrote letters several times a week and spoke several times a day. The last letter I received from him he thanked me for sticking by him when he no longer believed in himself, for recognizing his problem way before he did, and that he cannot wait to spend healthy time with me as soon as possible. 4 days later he called and put our relationship on a break. Just like that. It was only then I realized how sick and codependent I had become with him. I hit my rock bottom several days later. I was inconsolable. I wanted to grab on as tight as possible and never let go.

We've talked only once since.

Fast forward 3.5 months later - I am just starting to find balance and peace in my life. I can go for most of the day on most days without thinking about him. I attend 2-3 Al-Anon meetings per week and dedicate a part of my day each day actively working on my recovery and step work. I see a therapist. It has taken a lot of work but I have finally gotten to a place where I can see my relationship with him from a better perspective. I have had to relearn how to take care of myself all over again and I'm finally feeling great, and remember feeling how exhausted, frustrated, depressed and anxious I was when I lived with my ABF. Yes, I still miss him. I miss the good times we had over the years. I miss the companionship and love we shared. I miss my best friend. But there is a lot more I do not miss and I am only able to see that now that I've found a bit of serenity. Sure, I know he is in recovery but the thought of a future relationship with him knowing he could relapse at any time is feeling more and more like a risk I'm not willing to take.

I cannot tell you how many times I've asked myself the same question you've been posing...is it wrong to hold onto the hope of a future relationship and risk being let down? I don't know if I could answer that question myself, yet, but I do know that my life needs to be my focus now and that more will be revealed when it's meant to be known. I never would have imagined saying that just 3 months ago.

It sounds like you have a wonderful goal you are investing in!

Hugs to you.

As awful as it is, its calming to hear someone has been in this spot. I already see a psychologist for anxiety and depression which i was diagnosed with a year and a half ago when I first met him. They just put me on meds from a psychiatrist about 4 months ago but cant find the right ones so the week before he broke up with me, i was on a new kind which didnt work n made things even worse.

Even though i really liked him, I stayed just friends with my ex when he went to rehab for those 9 months. Somehow I had the patience to leave the future up to God. After rehab, he came back stronger than ever. Completely happy, loving himself, life, me, and proud of his recovery. Everything was amazing until his slip which was for only one night and he hasnt drank since and that was in september. (It was preceded by him not going to meetings and spending all his time with me) I think his main problem right now is his depression, and anxiety. I think hes mad at himself for messing up school and ruining the 11 months of sobriety he had. I told my psychologist about everything while balling my eyes out on Tuesday but she surprisingly did not help or give me any hope which just made me feel worse. I think I am going to try to attend an ala-non meeting tomorrow night. Its been a week and a half and it feels like forever. Hes talked to me a few times but acts really distant, and Im thinking of telling him i need space and time to get over the pain before talking. Do attending ala-non meetings help you even though he is not talking to you anymore?? Also why do you do step work?? Are you recovering as well? or can anyone do step work?? Does it help?? Sorry i have no idea.... Kinda like you, I do want a relationship with him again, but dont want to be led on or hurt in the future. I only want him back if he truly gets his life together and manages his depression and remains sober. I guess that involves trust on my part too. As of now tho, Im just trying to get thru day by day and not screw up my school which i worked hard to get to this point. I wish there were more success stories to give hope to people like us that it is possible for things to work out in the future... I know the future is unknown but I know we still do love each other but he cant handle a relationship. I guess all I can do is leave it up to fate. (altho its impossible to imagine life without him in the future. He was the first bf i thought was really "the one" and he told me he felt the same about me) :( Im sorry for what youve been through. I know how awful it is. I wish you the best, and the best for your ex as well.

I already see a psychologist and psychiatrist and am also on meds for anxiety and depression. But have not found the right meds yet. He broke up with me the first week of trying a med that made me even worse than I was. My psychologist however was not much help this week and actually made me feel worse. I'm not even sure what point she was trying to make. I have a bad habit of hanging on to boyfriends I love. (this happened before and I was continuously hurt and played games with for 2 and a half years before I finally gave up) I dont know why I let people treat me like that. I know it will take him a while to get his life together. Although he hasnt drank in 5 months, I know he needs to learn how to cope, deal with stress, and manage his anxiety and depression... and to forgive himself. I will not drop out of school or anything extreme like that for him but I just wish I could have some hope that things may work out in the future between us. It seems like everyone feels the opposite tho. My only hope is from knowing his mom and dad. His dad is a recovering alcoholic and has been with his mom for over 25 years, and he does reasonably well, maintains a relationship with his wife and kids, and holds an excellent job. Thats all I've seen of happy relationships working out with alcoholics altho im sure there are others.

Also I can't find the stickies at the top you are describing?? Where would they be?

If you go to the top of the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum there are a number of threads that are separated from the active ones. Most have locks on them. They are called stickeis because they are 'stuck' up there at the top so they never go away.

The couselor I saw specialized in addictions and understood codependency and what it is like to be in a relationship with an alcoholic. I think it really made a lot of difference.

I'm not really trying to tell you anything about this relationship. Mostly I am trying to say focus on yourself and not him. That is where you will find healing no matter what happens. Place hope in yourself. That doesn't exclude him from your life, it makes you a whole and content person within yourself.

Co-Dependent No More is a book that I read and also found very helpful.

dvm, I am sorry you are hurting. I understand some of what you are going thru because the recovering alcoholic in my life has chosen to shut me out also. It's not a romantic relationship, he's a good friend. We worked together for 15 years, saw each other nearly every day, and became good friends and confidants. He was always a heavy drinker but he spiraled out of control over the last year, and as a result, he nearly lost his family and he did lose his job, even tho he went to rehab and has been working on his recovery.

He knows he has my support and friendship, but since he went to rehab, he's gone back and forth about staying in contact. Right now he doesn't want any. It does hurt to be set aside, and I miss him and our friendship very much. But I have come to understand that early recovery is very hard, he's still fragile, and I know that losing the job turned out to be a huge setback for him. Worrying about my feelings isn't something that he is or should be focusing on.. And I also know that there is nothing I can do to help him at this point. he knows where to find me if and when he wants to reach out.

I don't think there is anything wrong with having hope that your boyfriend will want a relationship with you again some day. I haven't given up on my friend yet but I know he's not capable right now of being the friend he used to be. But you can't dwell on the hope; you have to focus on yourself. I know it's hard to distract yourself when you miss someone but focusing on school and your goal of becoming a vet (great goal!!) will help you. Keep reading and posting here, there is much wisdom to be found. Sending you strength!

How true that is. I also realized that each relationship is like a stepping stone to a better tomorrow. I don't regret the many bad choices I made because I learned from them. And more importantly I didn't get lost in them forever. It did take me a while with some more than others but foreword and onward I go.

I wish you all the best.

I understand how frustrating it is to try to find a medication that works.

My therapist told me something that resonated with me. When I met my ABF, he likely was an alcoholic. I would have never guessed this at the time. He is very well educated, was very successful, seemingly had his life together in every regard, very active...ran a sub-3 hour race in the Boston marathon. This is not the kind of person I would suspect being an alcoholic. Maybe this is where my craziness began - I kept thinking it was just me...I'm making too big of a deal over his drinking. Besides, an alcoholic wouldn't be able to run a sub-3 hour marathon! The disconnect between what I was seeing him accomplish and do in his functioning phase of his disease is probably what kept the denial a mainstay for so long in our relationship. Anyway...my therapist told me that when we met, he was giving me all of his best. He likely really WANTED to have the happy, loving, "normal" relationship that I thought we were having, but he just wasn't genuinely able to participate for very long. He was able to act the part for about 6 months before he could no longer hide the disease he was secretly dealing with. He tried his best. It sounds like your BF wants to have something special with you but he simply is not able to right now. You mentioned that he slipped because he was spending too much time with you. Please tell me you aren't blaming yourself for that. Finding a balance in early recovery is very difficult. My RABF told me that he needed to simplify his life as much as possible, and while our relationship wasn't a major stressor, he felt that he really just needed to set it aside for the timebeing. And just like that, he was gone from my life.

Yes, I attend Al-Anon even though he isn't talking to me. At first, I must admit, I went to Al-Anon in hopes that it would show him that I'm serious about recovery too, that I'm dedicated to a life in recovery and that I might be a "safe" person to have a relationship with in the future, someone who has been through hell and back with him and has a deeper understanding of this disease than someone not familiar with it. After some weeks, I began making Al-Anon my own. To answer the 12-step question, Al-Anon has their own 12-steps, adopted from the 12-steps of AA. They're just applied in our own way. While everyone in Al-Anon has a different story, I can always identify part of my story, or part of my journey in someone else's share. I soon realized that we've all been affected in similar ways. Living with my ABF's alcoholism isolated me greatly. Steping into Al-Anon allowed me to feel like I'm truly not alone. There are some stepwork links under the family and friends forum that can help explain the process if you are interested. I work the steps to identify what I need to work on, so that I can grow as a person regardless of whether my A and I have a future. I'm working step 4 and what I've learned about myself has been life changing. All of my relationships have improved - professional relationships, friendships, relationship with family members, and probably most importantly, the relationship with myself.

There are so many great posts on here, and the stickies contain so much great information. Keep posting and reading. You are definitely not alone.

From the first week i knew he was an alcoholic. He was honest up front. I told myself I wouldnt get involved but would just be friends. I even made up stupid rules like "I cant hang out with him 2 days in a row." Although we liked each other while he was drinking, we were not dating. We left it at "we just are best friends who like each other romantically" but we didnt take the romance part seriously. I was going thru a hard time in my life then and we were basically just really supportive for one another. Like you, my boyfriend was also a functional alcoholic , he got straight A's in high school. He kept multiple part time jobs while in high school and still drinking. He was totally functional. He even had a FULL scholarship to art school in wisconsin because he is an incredibly talented artist and metal welder. Then he decided to go to rehab for those nine months and gave up that scholarship. When he came home and we were together, everything was perfect. We were so in love and I think he thought that since hanging out with me made him happy that he'd rather hang out with me and not go to meetings. He honestly had NO stress or anything to deal with. He had already applied to go to a university in michigan for a welding degree and still got scholarships for that. Everything was like set up perfectly for what he wanted in his future and life. However the first week he went away to school, I was not there obviously as his crutch to avoid life issues like I was in the summer. He could not handle his first week away at school with the stresses and pressures of just school and also the environment of MANY kids partying and drinking and he couldn't so he didn't know what to do. His parents sent him away with NO car, and no idea where meetings were. He was very snippy with me the first week away and I didn't fight with him about it. The first weekend there, he told me he needed to not be at school for the weekend or he'd cave in to drinking and so he called a nearby family friend and asked them to spend the weekend at their house. He told me he was going to borrow their car to go to a meeting. All weekend he didn't talk much to me, and Monday called me and told me he had a lot of fun all weekend but didnt go to any meetings or even try. I got pissed at him and told him I was so concerned. It got emotional and was honestly our FIRST real fight as a couple. Stepping back from things, I realize I shouldnt have gotten pissed but I was frustrated that he wasn't helping himself. That night, he drank, and called me crying saying he ruined his sobriety and he didnt know what to do and said he was "sharpening his knives" and accidently stabbed his leg. I told him to stay in his room or get someone to take him to the hospital if he needed stitches but he didn't listen obviously and I found out later that he went into the hall, holding his knife still (stupid i know) and had blood on him and his RA saw him and called the police. He was arrested and got 3 felonies for stupid **** about "having a pocket knife that was too long", and even "attempting to steal duct tape from the hospital". He ended up getting stitches and was put in jail but didnt call me or his parents and the next day NO one had any idea what happened to him. The school wouldnt even tell his parents. He called from jail later the next evening and his parents had to go bail him out, and then he found out from school that he was kicked out... so thats what caused him to just be more depressed and ruined how happy and healthy he was. He had no idea what to do with his life. I do not blame myself for his drinking. That was his choice. I told him not to but I knew that wouldnt be enough. I even believe that even if we didnt fight at all, he was still going to drink, whether it was that day or the next. He wasn't taking care of himself and that I do not blame on myself. His slip was not from spending too much time with me but with not taking care of himself to learn to deal with real life and real world stresses and problems. The pressures of school and life without me holding his hand were too much for him and he didnt have skills to cope or deal with life.

Sorry that was a long story once again, just trying to provide more insight.
I am going to go to an al-anon meeting tonight to try it. I know I have ALOT to work on myself. Its just a matter of getting the right help to grow as a person. I have similar situations with other ex's although none of them were A's. But I fell into the same pattern, with never wanting to give up and even hanging on even after I was CLEARLY not loved anymore and there was no hope. I played his games for 2 and a half years. It was awful and I don't want that to happen to me again. If I can find an al-anon as good as you say, I am more than willing to work steps for myself and I am going to check out those links about stepwork. I will find time in my busy schedule because I cannot stand being this upset and hanging on for so long. I do not want to repeat that. It seems like i cant tell the difference between "hope" and "hanging on". Hopefully, Al-anon will help.

I am SO grateful for you sharing your story with me. We have SO many similarities even though our stories are different. And our ex's seem to be in the same situation that they really WANT to be in and continue a loving relationship with us but cannot due to their recovery process at this point (so early in recovery) in their lives.You said "My RABF told me that he needed to simplify his life as much as possible, and while our relationship wasn't a major stressor, he felt that he really just needed to set it aside for the timebeing. And just like that, he was gone from my life." That is EXACTLY what happened to me. I cannot thank you enough for your insight. I'm also glad that you didnt believe the situation for me was a lost cause or that I shouldn't have hope. My family and friends have not been very positive about it. They just dont like him and want me to move on. I appreciate it.

dvm2015 be good to yourself, you sound like an amazing young intelligent woman. No one can complete you but YOU. and no one can complete him but HIM. I started where you are at right now but you don't want to end where I am at right now. I love my exah and I always will but no matter how badly I want him to be a non-alcoholic spouse he never will be, that's totally up to him and only him. Go to the SR forum for newcomers trying to quit drinking and read what is going on in their minds and you will have a glimpse of what is happening with your BF and why he had to walk away at this time.

The 3 C's:
You didn't Cause it
You can't Control it
You can't Cure it

There are a lot of animal lovers on this forum and it's so good to know a future veterinarian, please take good care of yourself.

Thanks. Im trying to take care of myself. I dont believe i caused any of it and I have realized i cant control it and he will never be cured. But there has to be some people. out there who do as alcoholics manage to be in healthy loving relationships once farther along in recovery. I want to have hope, but also I dont want to continue being hurt but I saw alot of good in him and was so in love and still is. He says the same about me, and I believe him, So i dont want to give up. I want to just have hope that he will be able to be in a successful relationship someday with me like he says. but havent really heard any success stories besides his parents who have been married almost 30 yrs and are still in love. He was doing SO well too and didnt keep drinking. It was one slip for one night but hurt himself so hard with it. Its the depression and guilt that is getting to him. I just hope he can overcome those feelings. He's been so strong and doing so well with the staying sober part even now. I want to just give him space and have hope but its SO difficult... definitely harder than vet school. If anyone has success stories of alcoholics coming to a point where they can be in a functional relationship someday, I would love to hear about it.

There are RA's out there that can be in functional relationships; a friend/co-worker is one of those stories. The relationship he and his wife have has weathered his addiction and his recovery, and they've been together to raise their beautiful daughter who is now in junior high. The thing is, it has a lot to do with how hard he is willing to work on his recovery, to own it, as well as who they both are as individuals and as a couple.

There is no guarantee in any relationship - even in ones that aren't compromised by addiction.

Another thing to keep in mind is the majority of us at F&F are here looking for ongoing support related to alcoholism and possibly a loved one's recovery, and may not be here as often when things are going well.

I was truly blessed by someone at an early Al-anon meeting who said "let us love you until you can learn to love yourself." You will heal as well.... I don't know you personally but I do know this: you deserve someone who honestly does love you. You don't deserve this.

DVM,

I hope trying Al-Anon is helpful to you. It sometimes takes a while to find the right fit. I live in a big city where there are many meetings each day. The three different meetings I attend are all different and special in their own way. They say to try 6 Al-Anon meetings in as short of time as possible. And if you don't find a group that feels like home, try 6 more!

I know how tough this is and I realized there wasn't anything I could do to control the outcome of my situation. The only thing I could control was my recovery, and keeping myself as comfortable and as relaxed as possible to get through this time. It's challenging some days, but the grief is lessening. Not only have I been grieving the loss of this relationship, but now I realize that I've been grieving the loss of myself, of the years I spent getting sucked into someone else's fantasy life, etc.

Another thing I've come to realize is that there is no rushing any of this. I'm learning to live my life now and I happen to love it at the moment! If things are meant to come together for us, they will.

Thanks for the positive uplifting post. What is F&F (im guessing friends and family)?? You make a good point that usually people talking on forum boards are not here because everything is going well with their loved ones in recovery.

Thank you, that is very nice of you. From September to December (once he slipped the one night), he has not treated me the same as he did the whole year before this all happened. Even if he came back right now, I would not take him back because he cant be a good boyfriend right now either and I dont deserve that. He told me once when i was freaking out about school, "If you cant take care of yourself, you cant take care of a relationship or anyone else." I wish i could just accept that now the other way around. As for your quote, My ex didnt love himself anymore but I still loved him and it wasnt good enough and he pushed me away. Maybe I am applying this quote the wrong way?? Id really like to see things get better but right now its hard to see that. Thank you for your positivity though.

Yeah I was home over winter break in Chicago and probably should have gone to them then when all this first started... the website i found listed so many. Now im in a small i guess city but nothing compared to Chicago so there's maybe one meeting a night here in town if that. I can really only go on weekends, because of school, but I am going to try. I think talking to others with similar experiences and working on myself will help because others around me have not been so helpful, but this forum has been very helpful. Its encouraging to hear I'm not alone in loving an RA or even losing the RA they love. I can understand what you mean about gettin sucked into someone else's fantasy life.... The same happened here, I can be totally independent and do well in school but when it comes to relationships i put so much energy into them before I just burn out. Its exhausting to not be at peace with yourself. I guess patience is another thing I have to learn along with letting things just be, and leave it up to fate. Its just hard to accept when you are grieving and feeling so blue. It seems things are not getting any easier... :/ Thanks for the advice though. I really do appreciate it, and I am glad things are getting better for you. You deserve to be happy too with or without him currently in your life.

There is a saying I picked up at SR. Hope is not a strategy. A Goal is not a Plan Your happiness can not hang on the hope of not only his personal recovery, but the recovery of your relationship.

You can choose to remain open to a relationship with him but your hope needs to remain with yourself - your own decisions and choices and recovery. To reach a goal of being happy with yourself you have to have a plan to get there. Just like vet school required planning and taking small steps forward - so does the work of becoming a woman that is able to be happy with herself. If you want to remain open to a relationship with him again should the option present itself, you want to be the very healthiest person you can be. Taking the focus of him and putting it on yourself is a win:win.

Your posts are filled with him, what he is doing, what he did, what he might accomplish in the future, how it was, how it could be in the future. Some of that is just normal as this is very recent but please do not get stuck in that spot. It is very easy to get stuck there, I was stuck there for a really long time.

In my case hope came with expectations. When it comes to alcoholism and the relationship I was in I found it very hard to keep my expectations realistic. My expectations/hope was based in wishful thinking. That is a bit of a dangerous place to be because I was making decisions based on something other then reality. Hope kept me locked into a no win situation for a very long time. You can move away from that kind of dangerous hope and continue to remain open to him.