No I didn't call a counselor...thought I would warn him and try to be peaceful about it...thought he would listen to me and understand the wrongness of his actions but I've tried this before... I know I'm getting stronger as I don't feel so scared of my marriage ending and more worried about myself and the kids than his feelings...

TCB5568, we are all here behind you, watching your back as you travel your journey.

Now is the time to keep your cards close to your chest, contact some domestic violence professionals who can help you to think and plan, and at least have a PLAN in place. This does not mean you have to make decisions or changes today, just so you have a PLAN in place as you get ready.

You are not dealing with a "normal" person here, you are dealing with an escalating abuser. It doesn't work to give abusers "chances" or "warnings" - tipping your hand to them gives them the upper hand to CORNER you and TRAP you and MANIPULATE you and GUILT you and HARM you.

We know there were things you loved about this man, but right now he is not safe, and he is harming the development of your children.

We are here, to support you, as you make your way through this jungle.


Sending support,

CLMI

Thanks catlover...I love cats too but not allowed to have one AH hates them....yes I loved this man..I still do..wish it didn't have to come to this...in fact I'm always scared for him to come home from work cuz we will fight again. He stops at 3 different stores sometimes on his way home for more beer...drinks them before he even gets home...

We understand you love him, even now. But right now, he is dangerous, and he needs to have a lot of change before he is suitable parent material.

We don't know what the future holds for him, but RIGHT NOW, he is dangerous, unstable, actively drinking, actively harming your children's development, and actively manipulating you into thinking you are making a "big deal" out of "nothing."

We are here, by the hundreds, SarahMae, to tell you you are NOT making a "big deal" out of "nothing."

Striking or pulling a child, causing them fear and insecurity - EVEN BETWEEN PERIODS OF NICENESS - this is abuse, and he doesn't see it as such.

We are here to tell you THIS IS ABUSE.

Sending encouragement!

CLMI

I have been reading all the info and more that hydrogirl sent me...I've read the safety plans and the post fromMorning Glory about stopping the cycles of abuse even when the whole family is abusive which reminds me of my own family...I found a sticky note about how helpful and nice the shelter people were and I have called the shelterhouse in our area a few months ago and they assured me they would be there for me 24/7. Hmmm kids are fighting now...

That's really good, TCB5568. You are learning, and making progress.

Try to keep going forward, a little each day.

See your thread, almost TWO THOUSAND hits and so far THREE PAGES of replies. You are not alone. You are not imagining this.

Partners in a healthy relationship are not afraid, each day when their spouse arrives home. They don't have to walk on eggshells, or try to run interference if there's a "bad mood." They don't have to measure what they say against the harshness or punishments truth could cause for them.

Abusers control and isolate. They intersperse it with periods of "normal" so they can make you think YOU are crazy, YOU are the problem. Once they chisel away at your self-esteem to where you believe they MIGHT have a point, they have control, and are off and running.

Alcoholics provide instability for children - unstable homes, money, moods.

You have BOTH.

YOU are your children's protector. We are here to help you, help them. To get them safe, and where they don't wonder what's coming. Where they don't have to "be careful" in their own space, for fear of upsetting something. Where they can have a childhood, and enjoy the joy of discovery and growth. Not be worried about mommy being sad or angry or hopeless, of if daddy's in a bad mood, or drunk, or if they're fighting again. Not shut up and quiet in their rooms, because it's not safe to be out in the open playing.

You're making great progress!

CLMI

I want to say again that it is in your best interest to NOT talk to him about the possibility of your leaving at all. You can even go so far as to lie and say you changed your mind. You can see that telling him already escalated his drinking. I wonder what he was thinking as he sat on the edge of your daughters bed watching you sleep? Makes me shudder. When you call the counselor, make sure he is nowhere around.

Do you have a neighbor you can trust? If so, it is a very good idea to alert them that you may be in danger and to call the police immediately if they see or hear anything suspicious.

Please keep posting -- but clear your computer history every time!

I have no tolerance for abuse of children. Get yourself and your kids to a shelter before the unthinkable happens. You cannot undo dead.

Those kids are counting on you to keep them safe, you are all they have, they need you, if something happens to you what will become of the kids?

Let the authorities deal with him. He deserves to be in a locked cage, he is an out of control animal. he is a ticking time bomb.

God Bless

TCB5568, sending big hugs for you and your kids. I'm a survivor of a relationship with an abusive alcoholic. His ploys and behavior were different from your AH's, but the feelings imparted and the excuses he used were exactly the same. Contacting the local DV shelter and getting counseling for me and DS have been the best things I've ever done.

You are so much stronger than you know. I hope you come to understand that. KNOW that. FEEL that. When I finally started to understand that, I started finding myself again. The real me; not the shell, not the non-entity, that XAH told me I was. I was able to take one step at a time during those brief periods of clarity, until they got longer and stronger.

You are so much stronger than you know and you are a wonderful Mom.
Wishing you continued strength and sending you hugs.

TCB5568, I agree with Catlover and all the other wise people on here. He is not in a normal space right now. He will try VERY hard to make you think you are over reacting... remember HE is the alcoholic and abuser, not you. HE is sick. Not you... You came to this forum, crying for help. You got answers and you are using your brain and lifeskills that you have learned over your years of living. HE IS NOT. HE chooses to mask his thought processes in alcohol and NUMB whatever it is he is going through. HE is a big boy. He will work it out. BUT as you know, he is better off to do this alone because of your precious babies. (AND because you are precious too!!!!!) WE are cheering for you... Don't give up on your strength you feel.

Got a message from him that said he wants to be a happy family and do whatever it takes not drinking, getting angry etc. is exactly what it said... Etc like is that all?

Be very careful. Those are just words. Trust your gut and protect yourself and your children.
((hugs))

Words, just words. His actions over the next 6 months to 2 years will show you, and in that time it would be better, much better for you and your children if he did not have access to any of you.

Please continue to work on 'A Plan' for immediate/quick exit should it be needed. Go ahead and call the Domestic Violence center and get their input and help in formulating your plan.

And as tjp613 said, no more talk TO HIM about you taking the children and leaving. Please keep very mum about that, for your's and the children's safety.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Just say, "that's great. I will look forward to hearing about your plan." and that's IT. no more than that. Then sit back and watch his actions...and continue with a counselor. Please.

I know it's just words to all of you. He didn't drink yesterday when he got out of work and wanted us all to go hang at the mall. We got our kids some new boots came home had ice cream and he was helpful and "nice" putting kids to bed. I know he could be sneaking drinks but I would be able to tell by his voice if he has been drinking.
One time he tried not to drink for a week but it's hard to believe now that I've read a lot of these stories of people detoxing. He didn't seem to have any of those problems...He has admitted to having a "problem" before. I don't know why he thinks he can fix it himself..

And part of the pattern is that, when that honeymoon period wears off, the aggression is much worse than before, and you get blamed for "making them this way."

We cannot know if your husband will truly change. But if he is following the abuser pattern, which is much more likely, we want you to have a plan, and be prepared to get to safety, quickly.

Sending support,

CLMI

All we are doing, TCB5568, is trying to make you aware...to educate you about the common traits of abusers. Your husband may not be one...but IF HE IS he will do as Anvil and Cat say. Just watch and wait and be aware, that's all. When things start to change for the worse again, take note of that, too. Protect your children. He is now aware that you are having thoughts of leaving so be extra careful. Take this time to educate yourself and get counseling.

I know I speak for all of us here when I say I pray to God that we are all WRONG....but I don't think we are. A leopard cannot change his spots overnight. It just doesn't happen that way.

Please keep posting.

No.

This behavior is ALREADY on the abuse spectrum.

The family physician even thought so, enough to report it.

It is ALREADY showing the pattern over time. Not just one time, a PATTERN of times, many times.

It is ALREADY showing the classic attitude of a controlling abuser ("it's always an accident").

It is most likely now in a honeymoon period.


NORMAL people NEVER do these things to young children.

CLMI

Hello TCB5568,

I just wanted to check in with you and offer a hug :hug:

I hope that this new year will bring you and your children some much-needed peace and joy!

Many hugs and prayers, HG