TCB5568,

:ghug3 hugs for all of you.
You are not weak SM! I grew up the same way, quietly tip toeing around the eggshells.
Try to look at it as training for this moment, years of coddling and avoiding the drunk one (in your case) both of them in order to get some peace.
Remember how you felt (yes, it will hurt, but you can take it) and ask yourself
"Do I want this for my children?" I am pretty sure the answer is no.
I had numbed myself early in life, and forgot that my children were not numb.
You can do this TCB5568.
All you need is inside of you.
You do not have to live like this anymore. Help is out there, and people that help are happy when you ask for it. There is some social worker, or domestic violence counselor or an AlAnon that needs you and wants you to call, so they can hear your voice.

Beth

(PS, I hope this makes sense, I was emotional, and sometimes I ramble a little).

It's alcoholic manipulation-making him think you are over-reacting, or that it's your fault somehow. He belongs in jail. If anyone, ANYONE, ever did these things to my kids I surely wouldn't be sitting there wondering what to do about it. It's unacceptable. One day something worse will happen. Then it will be too late.

How's it going TCB5568?
Thinking of you, and hoping you are ok.
we are here, if you just want to talk. almost anytime, someone is here:)

hugs
chicory

I read somewhere, and I'm pretty sure it was Gail Sheehy, who said that a child will cry out for his/her mother when their arm is on fire, even if it was the mother who set the arm on fire.

Of course your children love their dad. I loved my dad, but he was a rotten dad, and I thank my mom in my heart every day for having the courage to leave him, even though it was in the 60s when there was a huge stigma attached to divorced women.

Obviously my AH behavior is disgusting so why do I still feel to leave him or take kids away from him is the worst feeling as if I am betraying him? He didn't drink today till after dinner. My mom has been keeping one of my kids overnight last night and tonight so that helps. He drank about maybe 4 24oz. Icehouse beers that are high alcohol content. I don't want to talk to him about it when he's drinking or when kids are around..I dread having another talk with him. He hardly even responds most of the time..Our daughter asks if she can go to the mall tomorrow and he just bellars at her why don't u go to bed? When my son's ankle was hurting and sprained 2 days b4 Christmas we found out the next day and AH was drunk calling our son a Sissy and not even being gentle. He had to hold onto the counter that night to walk and in front of my friend and he passed out on the couch...how embarrassing!

why do I still feel to leave him or take kids away from him is the worst feeling as if I am betraying him?

...a symptom of your own sickness: codependency. My mom had it too. Why she didn't put protecting us minor children over protecting my A dad and the "image" of the family is a question I lost a lot of sleep over....I have come to accept she was just as sick as dad was...but amazingly he found AA, got sober and recovered. Through hard recovery work he transformed himself. Mom is STILL stuck, still unable to change, to look in a mirror and see what's what - and so it has been VERY hard to forgive her....not that she would ever apologize or own up to the suffering SHE caused us with her codependency.

I dread having another talk with him.

Talking with an active alcoholic is pointless....because they will just make everything go round and round in circles.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Change requires action - not talk....even baby steps will take you where you want to go. Maybe shift focus COMPLETELY from him and put it onto you and the kids only...he's a grown man and is making grown man choices, let him live with his choices

The past is gone....you are free in this moment!

Peace,
B

TCB5568,

You have a kind heart. It is hard to make changes, especially when you probably want security for your children, it is hard to imagine leaving. it is probably not real productive to talk to your husband, i am sure that you already notice that. there are people here to listen, and help you.
you are a strong woman, SarahMae, that is for sure. just focus on you and the children for now, taking care of yourself, not letting anyone tell you that you are to blame for his behaviors.
thinking of you,
chicory

Above posters nailed it. This is codependency. I understand this feeling. It is a hard place to be in. If you can not leave this day, make it a goal to understand this. Understanding and dealing with this will save your children and set you free.

What are you feeling right now? When I was in your spot I couldn't even have told you. When I told my husband I wanted a divorce he went off the rails. He would scream at me for hours telling me all kinds of awful things and I would cry *for him* and not even consider that I was in the equation. My kids were the most important things for me - I felt like I was sacrficing my very soul to stay married for them. Ugh. They got a tiny bit older and things got a tiny bit worse and I could see in their eyes they didn't understand the drinking. I had flashes of them following the same path. Things were unsafe and I had to wake up. Despite the fact that they were my only focus I was not a good parent. I was drowning in the affects of being married to an alcoholic. I barely spoke to my husband yet he consumed my mental energy and I was suffocating in my own resentments and frustration. I was exhausted in every way imaginable and could not parent well.

(Note: My xah was not as aggressive as your ah - when/if you get to the point of leaving call a domestic violence hotline and have a safe plan).

What can you do this very day? You've posted here so you do have the strength to make forward movement.

Read Co-Dependent No More.
Read the stickies at the top of this forum as many times as you need.
Post. Keep posting - even when the message was stark it helped me so much.
Find a counselor that specializes in addiction if at all possible.
Call a Domestic Violence hotline.

I felt like I was sacrificing my children to save myself when I decided to leave. I left anyway because I felt like staying just wasn't an option any longer. In many ways I didn't leave because of what he was becoming, but because of what I was becoming. I had been sacrificing my children all along.

An alcoholic isn't a present parent (even if there is no abuse). An alcoholic is neglectful and focused only on drinking. They did not lose a parent when I left. They gained one. Inside that relationship I was not a good mother. I was just as focused on the alcohol as my husband was. I wasn't drunk so I was able to keep all the balls in the air but I was not present. Not like I can be now. I was controling and angry. They gained a mother that can find joy, patience, energy, security, calm, consistency and flexibility!, and serenity.

If you are sitting on the couch afraid of what you husband is going to do to one of you, you are not able to find those things for yourself even - much less give them to your kids. :hug:

Before I found this website I had been reading some free books on my new kindle fire. Out of boredom and curiosity I was reading Stress busting tips, The Book of Calm, and 7 ancient keys to happiness. Then I started researching alcoholism and learned all about codependency and I am so sure that this is where I am now...codependent enabler addicted to my AH...then I found this site. I've been raising 3 kids for 8 years and thought that I was just depressed because I had some postpartum depression after my 2nd baby. He never was any help with those babies. I was the one who always got up in the night to feed them..he never could because he was passed out drunk. I've been on at least 4 anti depressants for the last 6 years. I was always praying for my marriage to get better and for me to be more aggreable and happy and to just have a plain happy family. I've asked God for signs and clarity and now I'm here. I believe I have some clarity now I still have a ways to go but I am prepared today to make a call to a counselor. I still don't know how to quote these words that you all post to me but I want to thank you all so much for being here for me.

Hello TCB5568,

We are here anytime. Please know that we are on your side, and that you deserve to have a happy and peaceful life!

Many hugs, HG

Yes, TCB5568, we're here for you please know that.

Praying for you and your family.

I am on your side TCB5568,
and yes, I believe a greater force led you to this place, where everyone knows your pain.
(sorry, bad joke about "Cheers" theme song :a213:)

You are the one who will give your children a good life. I had no idea how to "talk" to my kids, or be a good parent. Plenty of help is available for that too.
One step at a time. One day at a time.

Beth

Hi TCB5568,
I hope you and your kids are doing well today. Just remember.....you and your kids are the most important things here. The guilt you talk about it normal/natural for many of us codies, but it's unfounded.
Take Care. I hope you find the strength that you need to do whatever it is you need to do!
M

Welcome to SR! I'm sorry, but your friend's statement seems wrong to me. Any abuse, whether serious harm or not, is unacceptable. If I were your friend, I'd take the advice of those posters here who are giving you resources. And if your AH hits your kid on the head with the model plane, I'd call the police and have him arrested.

I have friends and family I can talk to about my RAH, and they are supportive, etc. But they don't live with an alcoholic, WE DO. Only us non-normies know what hell it is we live in. Easy enough for normies to not think it's a big deal when IT IS a big deal. For instance, my mom always says "Aw, it can't be that bad".... I tell her it is, but she doesn't get it and we sometimes argue about it. I stopped talking to anyone but Al-Anon people and my counselor about the problem. That's why I go to Al-Anon - to be with people who understand what I'm going through. Normies just don't get it, as well intended as they are. Bottom line, use the resources given here, you might be surprised how much better your life will become. I also highly recommend Al-Anon. Perhaps Alateen for your kids?

Just my opinions, take what you like and leave the rest. God bless you and your kids! XOXO

TCB5568,
You are getting stronger and learning more. Good for you dear! Awesome to have a Kindle too, so you can read any time.
It must have been really hard, raising babies alone, while worrying about a drinking husband. I know a little about taking sole care of my little children. how tired I was, when their dad slept away, his time was his own, and mine was all spoken for. I would no sooner get the last one down for a nap, hoping to rest my head for a few minutes, and then the first one down would wake up. I thought I would never catch up on my rest.
I took antidepressants quite a few times in my life. I know that it helped me to deal with my situation. they can be really helpful sometimes.
I hope you are feeling more hopeful tonight. you are not alone. you have a lot of friends here, believe me:) We care about you, and the children, and you are doing such a good thing by reaching out and reading things to learn about how to take care of yourself. If you do that, it will work out somehow.

big hugs,
chicory

Hi TCB5568-- I used to volunteer as a counselor for victims of domestic violence. I am sorry to say that he exhibits classic signs as a chronic abuser and I do fear that things could very easily escalate and one of the children (or you) could be seriously hurt.

I do hope you made the call to the domestic violence counselor and I hope that she was able to help you understand how dangerous this situation can be. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT: If and when you decide that you are ready to leave, DO NOT TELL HIM!! You said earlier you were wanting to talk to him... I hope it wasn't about leaving or anything so serious. Please talk to a counselor and get a good safety plan in place ....do NOT say anything to him about your plans.

I would ask you to read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. You will understand your situation so much better. You will also understand that abusers very, very rarely get "well". Even if he stopped drinking tomorrow, I can bet my bottom dollar that the abuse would continue.

Also, be careful to clear the history of your computer after every session.

Here is a good safety plan template: Domestic Violence Statistics - AARDVARC.org

TCB5568- You sound like such a sweet, big-hearted person and I know you are trying to make things better the best way you know how. I'm afraid for you, though. Your good intentions are endangering your children. Please get counseling.

I am so sorry you are going through all this. You are strong and I know you can do the right thing for your children. There are many resources available to help you. All you have to do is reach out.

(((((Hugs)))))

Yes!
 

So good to hear! You sound strong lady. AWESOME!:Squat:

Tcb5568
 

That strong smiley doing squats is you BTW.... :)

Well I wish I would have read the post by tip 613 last night before talking to my AH. I did tell him that I have been thinking of the things he's done and how it's not right and that I'm not going to allow it anymore... He's like what so u want a divorce? Told him maybe I did but divorcing won't mean he's going to be better to the kids. Now he's afraid I'm going to take his kids from him forever. And he started drinking those tall beers again. When he went to bed he was saying yup I'm a horrible person and father and lover..And he was sitting right on the side of the bed looking at me while I slept...I slept in my daughter's room. He asked me if I wanted him to come home after work...I said whatever sure...