I am just starting to realize how much I am willing to be the one with the "problem" in a relationship.

If I am the one with the problem then I can "work" on it.

I suspect this is part of my issues with boundaries. It is so freeing to start to realize that I am not the only problem. At the same time in all honesty I am starting to get pretty mad (at me, at him, and MIL and others involved). To me for taking that on, for everyone else (most in no way in recovery) for letting me, and believing that too. It is not as simple as that but....

I am grateful to recognize it. Recognizing it is a beginning and way far ahead of where I was before.

It just bugs me to have someone (his mother is married to an absuive alcoholic who AH detests bc of the very behaviors AH himself displays) who is the ultimate codie/enabler, try and judge me for trying to be healthy.**

There ya go. Makes excuses for her hubby, then makes excuses for the son.
In a backward sense of "logic"... it all seems a pattern.

Yeah it makes perfect "sense" in the dysfunctional, alcoholic family sort of way, that she'd behave this way-- I guess I gave her more credit than I should have. Thought that after seeing her H destroy his life, abuse his wife, and his kids, she'd want her own son to have a better life and might not enable him... But to leave denial land would mean having to look at her role and that must be too painful. It's kind of tragic for them all. I hope somewhere down the line the cycle gets broken. AH has a sister who has a son (we have 2 girls) so maybe he'll be the male in the family who breaks the cycle... Who knows.