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Old 10-20-2011, 09:00 AM
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Venting for a sec

I am not picking up stbxah's phone calls or responding to texts.

So now Mommy is fighting her baby boy's battle.

I answered the call from her bc I figured she wanted to talk to the girls (funny thing is that since AH left she hasn't called to talk to the girls a SINGLE time).

Anyway, 2 seconds in, I start being told that the "real" problem is the I am verbally and emotionally abusive toward stbxah; that my "demands" over the years (which consisted of please don't lie to me and please keep your word) were controlling and manipulative.

I ended the conversation very curtly and hung up without defending myself.

BUT... it is really bothering me. It's not the first time I've head an A or their family claim that the other family members are "abusive" and it's triggering for me.

AH is the emotional abuser and so manipulative and yet he spins it to make me the abuser. I have a hard time with the "I'm a victim, I am so persecuted" crap. And I certainly don't need the worlds biggest enabler (his mom) telling me I have abused her son.

I won't be answering the phone if it is her again but for some reason this is sticking with me and really really bothering me and I'm not sure why...

Thanks for letting me talk...
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Old 10-20-2011, 09:15 AM
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I'll share with you what my therapist told me one time: either I subconsciously felt there was an element of truth, or I was annoyed to take the high road when I really wanted to fight.

For me, it's usually the latter
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Old 10-20-2011, 09:43 AM
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WTBH, (((hugs))). I'm sorry you had to deal with her and not taking her calls is fine.

As for why it might be bothering you:

that my "demands" over the years (which consisted of please don't lie to me and please keep your word) were controlling and manipulative.
If feels to me like there still might be some denial there that you were trying to be controlling and "expecting" him to act like an adult. Lord knows I did with my AW. Maybe you just need to look at this and say yeah, I did try to control his behavior, forgive yourself because you were doing the best you could with the information you had and move on.

As for Mom calling again, you don't have to answer if you don't want to.

I hope this helps.

Your friend,
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Old 10-20-2011, 09:52 AM
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I have been accused of controlling and repressing my partner by her daughter 'C' who was visiting. What really made me angry was the fact that C had little or no experience of the crazy behaviour myself and our daughters had been subjected to. She ought to have known better, because her mother had visited her on several occasions and been drunk during the visit. But what this really points to is how manipulative the A can be, I hear it quite often-telling tales about my wickedness, but I'm past worrying about that aspect of things. So your A did a good job on his mother!
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Old 10-20-2011, 09:58 AM
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Your ex-MIL probably has no experience of recovery and thus is up to her armpits in the alligators that come with codependency.

Which means her version of reality is HIS version of reality which you KNOW is effed up.

Pay it no more heed. Hugs.
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Old 10-20-2011, 10:06 AM
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I must admit, I have had the struggle with taking the high road over defending myself and getting involved in the drama. The times it was easy for me were when the criticism was completely unmerited.....

It is hard to not engage, I know. But in the long run that path has led to a better outcome overall for me.
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Old 10-20-2011, 10:53 AM
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Oh I have admitted to AH and myself and am well aware that I did try to "control" for years by bugging him about his drinking etc...

But I was never "abusive" or controlling in the way that she implies (as he has too)... For ex/ I've been very very firm about limits regarding visiting the girls and arrangements being made ahead of time. Totally reasonable. But AH has griped to me and surely to Mommy that I am "controlling" him (by setting boundaries such as "no you can not just show up and dictate when and how you will visit any damn time you want).

It just bugs me to have someone (his mother is married to an absuive alcoholic who AH detests bc of the very behaviors AH himself displays) who is the ultimate codie/enabler, try and judge me for trying to be healthy.

I hate being bad mouthed for things that are untrue and I guess I need to work harder on the notion of not caring what others think. I was caught off guard by MIL and I most definitely will not be answering calls from her anymore. Thank god for caller ID!
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Old 10-20-2011, 11:14 AM
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I wouldn't expect any support from that front.

If she supports you in what your doing she has to take a look at her own life/actions over the years.

Besides...you can use this as reinforcement when your feeling weak and want him back.. or that he needs you....and trust me those moments, fleeting as they can be do come. But..he has a cheering section who will support all his delusions and wacked out thinking.

Just don't answer anymore. You can't change her either.
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Old 10-20-2011, 11:20 AM
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One of my favorite quotes:

"The first few times we make the choice to be peaceful rather than right it feels like denial. But with practice it will become the preferred choice."

Easier said than done, I know, but when done right, it feels so nice to be peaceful!
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Old 10-20-2011, 11:58 AM
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My MIL use to call me to yell and insult. I changed my phone number 3 years ago best thing I ever did. Even now that RAH isnt drinking I still dont join him when he goes to visit, he takes the kids without me. I continue with my recovery and she will never try to get help, so to be in her company wouldnt be healthy for me. Please take care of yourself first and dont worry about your MIL says.
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Old 10-20-2011, 12:02 PM
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
It just bugs me to have someone (his mother is married to an absuive alcoholic who AH detests bc of the very behaviors AH himself displays) who is the ultimate codie/enabler, try and judge me for trying to be healthy.
She's sick too. It helps me to remember that when my parents go into toxic mode, which during those times I go completely no contact.

You have a program of recovery. She doesn't.

I agree sometimes it is difficult to take the higher road.

Sending you hugs of support!
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Old 10-20-2011, 04:48 PM
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It helps me when I remember what my denial looked like (and I was in it for so long). The only difference between where she is now and me is time and a lot of meetings.

She also had an (I think) a functional alcoholic husband too.

That does not mean I did not get mad (cause I did). I had to cut contact too. One time really sticks out. She told me how when he was living with her he was spending all this time out with the guys with football related (and drinking stuff), but in the next sentence told me that though she thought one of his friends had problems with alcohol, she did not think her son did.

As much as you are upset, I think you are doing a great job trusting you for you and the girls.
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Old 10-20-2011, 06:05 PM
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I can feel your frustration in that no matter my efforts in recovery, I still find myself getting triggered by the behaviors of others and I find myself stewing in the stirred up feelings too long. Granted, the stew is shorter after all my hard work on myself and I can usually see quite quickly the lesson in it, where I didn't detach, etc., but getting back to focusing on my day, my needs, and my life can be a struggle. I think, too, the fact that I can't just shrug it off and not keep thinking on it at all, ticks me off just as much as the initial triggering issue. ARRRG! I get the sense this is where you're at, too. You've got a great plan going for, but now wondering how to just let it go.

I've not yet figured a way out of this cycle for myself, I'm hoping one day that will come. Until then, I have to just wait for the storms to blow through when they swirl up.

You are not alone, friend.

Alice
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Old 10-20-2011, 06:31 PM
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It sounds like she is in a lot of denial, sometimes I think about how hard it would be if my son was like my AH. I think having an alcoholic son would be worse than having an alcoholic husband. If my son turns out like this it will literally rip my heart out, I love him so much. Just try to take it with a grain of salt and realize she is a very sick woman and is probably hurting immensely too. I am sorry you have to deal with her crap.
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Old 10-20-2011, 07:25 PM
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I am thankful for this thread. It reminds me of a saying that helped me choose the high road (and I needed the reminder).

The saying:

I can be happy OR I can be right
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Old 10-20-2011, 09:01 PM
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Pelican, I need my kids to have that saying tattooed on the insides of their eyelids...
I've gotten there. But it took time.
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Old 10-21-2011, 04:22 AM
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I am so much less concerned with wanting my stbx mil to understand that I am no the evil person she believes me to be... There was a time not too long ago where I'd call her to try and plead my case and tell her the kind of person I am. That was insane.

Now it's that I just really don't want her issues to be a part of my life anymore. More than wanting to be right I am just plain annoyed that I answered the phone and listened for more than .1 seconds to her crap.

She can believe whatever she wants and I am not going to pretend that I am able to listen to it and not be upset. So my solution that I should have put into place years ago is 100% NC. I gave her the benefit of the doubt that she was calling her granddaughters and I answered. I should have known better. And now I do!
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Old 10-21-2011, 05:45 AM
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WTBH, I didn't phrase my response as well as I could have and I wasn't pointing fingers. A better way to say it is when I have something like:

I won't be answering the phone if it is her again but for some reason this is sticking with me and really really bothering me and I'm not sure why...
it's usually because I have some unresolved piece of emotional baggage I am carrying around and its a reminder that I need to do some work on myself to clear it up.

I agree with you that going no contact is a good idea.



Your friend,
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Old 10-21-2011, 05:58 AM
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WTBH,

Just wanted to say that I could have written your post. My exH is taking me to court and I strongly suspect that his parents are funding it--interesting form of "revenge" now that exH is pissed at ME instead of THEM (it was always a bouncing-back-and-forth of me or them that he was mad at). They all have to be angry and blaming someone and I'm the latest target but won't be the last...I have to remind myself that this is a "cunning, baffling and powerful" family disease.

You are SO not alone, and thanks for bringing this up.

Hugs,
posie
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Old 10-22-2011, 10:11 AM
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Originally Posted by m1k3 View Post


it's usually because I have some unresolved piece of emotional baggage I am carrying around and its a reminder that I need to do some work on myself to clear it up.

I definitely know what it is that I need to resolve-- and you're absolutely right that that's what was largely at the root of my discomfort with mil's call... and it is something that I work on diligently. I find that my in laws are able to trigger those issues in me just as well as AH and my mother were able to. And frankly I've realized that a big piece of the solution "puzzle" is limiting or avoiding contact altogether with toxic people in my life.

I have readily accepted the role of scapegoat for most of my life (obviously as a kid it wasn't a choice and even as an adult I spent a long time believing I really was all the terrible things I was told but regardless, at some point I did make the choice to stay in abusive situations and I can't blame anyone but myself for that) and so, it's easy to let the insults and accusations stick. I know a stronger person might be able to hear it and brush it off but I haven't figured that out yet. So in the meantime I just am going to have NC with those who need to project their issues on to me rather than deal with them on their own.
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